The Chicken Pen (Feedback Thread)

[Sleds]

Hello there, Sleds. The chick has accepted your feed and has decided to give you an opinion.

Firstly, a small introduction of what has been done: the chick has read chapter 1, 50 and 96. There was not too much to be read. The chick does not overfeed. Also, it does not underfeed. Therefore, it decided to read three chapters. The chick's opinion of your work could be summarized in the following words: Improve your English.

Chapter 1:​

1. English Language: This chick believes you have warned your readers that English is not your First Language, and that was well warned. It does a warning of what your readers are going to find in your work: Poor use of vocabulary, Strange choice of words, strange grammar are only a few of the things that you can notice due to your poor fluency in the English language. You manage to fail in all aspects of the language, and even as you continue to write, you do not improve by the leaps and bounds as other second language and native speakers of English do. Which means that to you, English is a foreign language. The only way to improve here would be to drastically increase your exposure to English. Which is NOT something that this chick can help with. And it is something that you should know how to best approach. And if you desire to approach at all.
2. Reference Confusion: "The sky was filled with spatial rifts, millions of beasts escaping from them, invading a huge plain," "many different races composed of millions of humans, elves, dwarfs, angels, beast-men, and other races," "a hint of envy passed through his eyes before disappearing as if he had never existed." I really cannot for the love of god make what is escaping from a rift and invade a huge plain while I fall from the spatial rift from the sky. What are different races all made of at the same time humans, elves, dwarves, angels, beast-men and other races at the same time? Just what is a race in the end? What is a species? And tell me, who was 'he' who disappeared in the end?
3. Narrative time: "Different abilities explode between the two armies making the plain tremble", "The races that defend the plain gradually lose ground." The story is told in the past, yet at these parts of the battle it is in the present.

Chapter 50:​

1. Narrative time: "ready to do anything he can to try to stop that beam." It's in the present, yet the story is told in the past.

Chapter 96:​

1. Repetitive idea: 'shine', 'bright' eyes: This chick was expecting this to be central to the idea of the chapter, considering how repetitive this idea was throughout the chapter… It was sorely disappointed when it turned out to not be…

Conclusion:
I did not nitpick on all your English strange choices. In fact, if I had been to, I would never have been done with this. It is not making your novel impossible to be enjoyed by people, therefore I will not nitpick on it. If you, however, were to improve on your English, making it more accessible to people who are more familiar with a better English, I am sure that your novel will be read by many more. This, however, would require for you to either greatly improve your English, or you to find someone to edit your novel.
Where it concerns your Story, you obviously do not have problems with the story. You have readers, you have people commenting on your story, and you have no problem whatsoever advancing your plot so far. All the chapters I have read were very different points of the story, and they were also able to advance the plot. If only your English was clearer, you would have more of a readership.

Thanks for the feedback, little chicken. I am trying to improve my English, but I have to admit that I have some problems with tense. Some other errors occur often, like writing he/she/his/her instead of it/its due to the words having a gender in my native language.

 

[Flashwolf96]

I beseech thee, humble chicken. Hope you don't mind.

Micah Ever After

High schooler Sawatari Mikasa has it all: An aptitude for sports, above-average grades, lots of friends, and a little brother that she loves more than anything in the entire world. However, after learning of the boy, Yuu's sudden hospitalization one fateful day, she rushes to check on him in a...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[TsumiHokiro]

I just posted the first chapter of a new story. Let me know what you think.

Scion: City of Sin

In the futuristic city of Scion, crime and corruption run rampant. Those with power exploit the system from the Spires. Meanwhile, the Lower Wards run on drugs, sex, and violence. Victor is a netrunner working freelance in the city’s seedy underbelly. A degenerative brain disease forces him to...

www.scribblehub.com

Hello there, Sweetmeat. The chick has accepted your feed and has decided to give you an opinion.

Initially, it would like to congratulate you on your new series. The chick has read chapters one and two, and unfortunately, it usually reads at least three chapters, but considering that you have just begun this story, there is no third chapter for it to read. The opinion of this chick can be summarized as strange words, but otherwise it will comment on your story itself.

Chapter 1:​

1. Strange choice of words: "Victor could hear Sunny's eyes rolling through the communicator","slowly shimmied along the wall." This chick has never heard eyes roll on their sockets before, nor has it believes it is possible to hear them unless the eyes are mechanical. Also, people typically shimmy along walls on a vertical movement, going from down-up, or they are doing strange shaky movements, like trying to put a too-tight leather jacket, for example.
2. Strange Idea: The way you finish your chapter, with the MC jumping out of the window and the man simply throwing bottles at him was strangely anti-climatic to this chick. Personally, the description of the MC calmly walking down the alley after the scene was down-turning. This chick was seriously expecting the MC to continue running down until it was certain it would not be pursued by the knife-wielding man, after all, would someone who has just been robbed of 100k, after having threatened them with a knife, let this person walk away that easily? It seems very strange to this chick.

Chapter 2:​

1. Dissonant Image: "look, electronic signs and billboards (…) When combined with the crowd, the effect was an echoing cacophony that never ceased." And then we have the image. There is no crowd in the image. There is no fight for space by the electronic signs and billboards in the image. There is no cacophony in the image. Also, an echoing cacophony is a strange choice of words in this chick’s opinion: echo gives the idea of repetition, whereas cacophony is the idea of disorder. A repetition has a certain order, since all echoes are a repetition of themselves. In this chick's mind, once it becomes an Echo, it is no longer cacos (chaos).
2. Repetitive Words: Megacorp. Yes, I know you like this word, and it makes sense you have to use it. But a megacorporation is but a corporation, company, etc.
3. Small English editions: "He couldn't put a finger on why exactly", "It was late and he hadn't eaten anything all day, so Victor decided to grab something here." Put a finger on WHAT, and there is no need for the "here," you have just explained the place, there's no need to explain you are going 'here' again. This becomes redundant.

Conclusion:
From time to time, you will choose some strange figures to use in your story. I believe that if you re-read your story or ask for someone's else opinion this could be prevented. Your English language is, overall, great. You obviously know how to write the language and there is no need for me to nitpick on it. I simply did it because I noticed and it was there.
What I really would pay attention to would be the words and images I decide to represent my story. Those are very important, especially the images. Incongruence between images and the text can be fatal. Readers are left with "Which should I believe is a true representation of the story?" feeling, and in some cases you might end up doing more than simple mistakes of forgetting a crowd in the picture; you might have two different people, one on your text and another on your picture.

 

[Sweetmeat]

Thanks for the detailed feedback.

I disagree with you in a few areas, but they're just matters of taste. For example, where you pointed out that you can't hear eyes rolling. Of course I know that, but the meaning is figurative. There was so much dismissal in his tone as he spoke, that he could tell his eyes were rolling just from his inflection. Hence, he 'heard' his eyes rolling.

Same thing for the sentence, "He couldn't put a finger on why exactly, but it just felt off." The thing that he can't 'put a finger on' is the reason why he feels a certain way. Even though a reason isn't a literal thing you can touch, I think the idiom still works there.

In the example, "It was late and he hadn't eaten anything all day, so Victor decided to grab something here." You mention that 'here' is redundant, and this is true. But again, I think it sounds better with it being there despite technically being redundant. As you mentioned, the focus of that paragraph was on the location, not the action. He could have eaten anywhere, but he ate here. The location is the important part.

For the part about it being strange that Victor simply walks away after escaping through the window, I suppose I should revisit that scene and try and clarify it a bit better. It's supposed to be understood that the attacker isn't willing to jump from a three-story window after him, but I could make that more clear.

As for the thing about my images not matching the text exactly, haha fair enough. If only I could get the image generation model to spit out exactly what I'm imagining every time. Maybe I'll go back and manually paint in some more silhouettes in that image and see if it looks alright.

 

[TsumiHokiro]

Click on the links in my signature, or my banners.

Greetings, Assurbanipal_II. The Chick has gone through your feed but has encountered some problems digesting them.

Unfortunately, the form which you have chosen to present your novel has not agreed with the stomach of this chick. The chick has difficulties with their small feet and is very lazy. It tries its best to do the most with the least effort. Therefore, when it looked at how much space there was between your paragraphs, it quickly felt bloated and saturated.
There was so much space between the lines that it would spend as much time going through the lines as it would spend time reading the text. And this is a fatal flaw for this chick, unfortunately. No matter how interesting something might be, this chick hates having to exert effort with its claws simply to go through text. As such, it does not feel comfortable enough reading what you wrote to produce meaningful feedback. The feather it uses to annotates on the text had instead been used to scroll through the text and its brains was more worried about "Why is there this gigantic space between the lines? Will the next chapter be better?" than really worried about the story.
Since this is a stylistic style you have chosen to adopt, there is little for this chick to criticises. There is also, little for this chick to do about it. This chick is not so understanding as to be able to go through a text it cannot concentrate on and produce the same quality work it has produced before. It did warn before: it will decide on what it feeds.
There was only something it was able to make note of on chapter 1 of "Schwarz -‖- Der Wille zur Macht":

1. Dissonant Image: "white hell wasn't as dead as she was made to believe (...) A loud crack disturbed her pristine peace." This chick really wonders what peace you are talking about? The MC is in hell and you suddenly talk about peace? Such strange ideas…

 

[Assurbanipal_II]

Greetings, Assurbanipal_II. The Chick has gone through your feed but has encountered some problems digesting them.

Unfortunately, the form which you have chosen to present your novel has not agreed with the stomach of this chick. The chick has difficulties with their small feet and is very lazy. It tries its best to do the most with the least effort. Therefore, when it looked at how much space there was between your paragraphs, it quickly felt bloated and saturated.
There was so much space between the lines that it would spend as much time going through the lines as it would spend time reading the text. And this is a fatal flaw for this chick, unfortunately. No matter how interesting something might be, this chick hates having to exert effort with its claws simply to go through text. As such, it does not feel comfortable enough reading what you wrote to produce meaningful feedback. The feather it uses to annotates on the text had instead been used to scroll through the text and its brains was more worried about "Why is there this gigantic space between the lines? Will the next chapter be better?" than really worried about the story.
Since this is a stylistic style you have chosen to adapt, there is little for this chick to criticises. There is also, little for this chick to do about it. This chick is not so understanding as to be able to go through a text it cannot concentrate on and produce the same quality work it has produced before. It did warn before: it will decide on what it feeds.
There was only something it was able to make note of on chapter 1 of "Schwarz -‖- Der Wille zur Macht":

1. Dissonant Image: "white hell wasn't as dead as she was made to believe (...) A loud crack disturbed her pristine peace." This chick really wonders what peace you are talking about? The MC is in hell and you suddenly talk about peace? Such strange ideas…

 

[nii07]

Do you mind checking out two of mine?

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/843745/my-goddess-mother-gave-me-a-system-and-kicked-me-out/

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/843715/bleach-gazing-mirage/

 

[mykaDehr]

If you have time getting some feedback would be much appreciated!

The Soft Spoken Girl Next Door Won’t be Denied – Anamihikiru

That feeling that you've lost something. You had so much but you just let it slip away... Katsumi Murakami is in high school and has been on a downward spiral the last year. Horrible lifestyle choices and a delinquent girl that encourages this has led him to the brink. When...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[TsumiHokiro]

Would love some feedback. Thankyou.

Reincarnation of the Totem

Slipping through the gravels of time, she found herself in a new land that she had never dreamed of. Here she was nothing but a female supporting Character to a tale of a reborn heroine, her life meaningless but around some set lines. Watch her navigate through these murky realms...

www.scribblehub.com

Greetings, Cloudee77. The chick has accepted your feed and has decided to give you an opinion.

The chick has read chapter one and chapter 28 for this opinion. It has overlooked your latest chapter, 32, but it did not take notes of anything from there, having decided that the notes from chapter 28 being enough to cover your latest chapter. This is because of how long your chapters were. Unfortunately, this chick should have checked before going through them. It apologizes in advance. In case you are not satisfied with this, remember that you can try asking again.

Chapter 1:​

1. Fragmented text: "stood mightily – as sturdy as a soldiers overrun with a high-tide of powerful enemies – similarly". There should be continuity on parts that are cut by an appositive, and here there is not.
2. Narrative time: "overturned in the knee-deep sludge, or even get stuck". The "get" is not describing a frequent, common event of the universe, but a singular event. Therefore, it should be in accordance with "overturned".
3. What is your theme? : This is the main point. This chick could have not pointed out anything else because this is serious. Throughout the chapter, many-many things are described. In a lot of detail as well. Yet, only three, five paragraphs are dedicated to your story proper. Everything else is filler. It adds little to the sense of the story. This chick could not see any point before those last few paragraphs and this is dangerous, considering how much you have written.

Chapter 28:​

1. Reflexive and passive use: "there was certain chance of it having been heavily invaded", "The artifact of which she understood very little of still, was likely to have achieved having done that", "She wasn't troubled by the unexpected way everything was leading on as if a hand was guiding her to urgently go in this muddling way", "She had been spending the past fourteen days indulging (…) she had been struggling (…) she was to expect it coming in the inheritance trial for sure." This chick has no problem whatsoever with participle. But when you are mistaking the perfect tense with reflexive case and ABUSING it, that becomes one. Same with passive. There is none using it, there is when you overuse it. Don't have your characters have their scenes stolen from them! See?
2. Concern with what is important: You are, once again, being over descriptive with little things. This might be a consequence of your overuse of reflexive and passive. Remember what is relevant to the story.

Conclusion:
You tend to spend a lot of time describing little things or going roundabout way of describing them. This gives your chapters a very high word count, but it also makes you prone to forgetting that which is essential. It also comes with some language peculiarities that I decided not to mention, since the very fact you have this roundabout way of speaking makes you prone to show them. If you were more direct with your words, and they still were noticeable, then perhaps, if they were a problem to understanding your story, I would point them out.
Meanwhile, I would be more worried about how much time people have to read your story to get anywhere in fact. The overuse of reflexive and passive makes your characters not the owners of their actions but rather the consequence of a divine will of sorts. Of course, this is a joke. They did something for that to happen, it is just that when written like that, characters are no longer responsible for their actions. Things become much more abstract in the grand scale of the universe and you end up with a very murky image of who is doing what in the end.
Also, if you were to spend less time having to describe who could possibly be doing those things for your characters, such as the trees, the clouds, the mountains, and the roads, you will end up with a more relatable story as well. The more time spent on things that your readers can relate to means more readers. As a side gain, you will also have less of a chance of forgetting something was in the scene and create plot holes!
Your latest chapter, 32, suffers much of the same as chapter 28, and therefore, I decided not to give it a very detailed reading. It was also my mistake, I should have seen how long your chapters were before deciding how much I was going to read.

 

[Sylverius]

Is it alright if I currently only have around 3 chapters? I need reviews yes, but mainly about how I write.

 

[Sergeandgreen]

Chronicles of the red eyed girl

Synopsis: The year 506 a.d. marked the 15th year of the second magical school in the world, Toadwits. Charlotte was one of it's older students and because of her special relationship with the founders she received a few special privileges, but none of her classmates would want to trade positions...

www.scribblehub.com

Hello i think it is amazing what you do and read the feedback you gave to others, and thought it was worth it to try to feed the chicken too. As I tried a completly different writing style in this story the feedback would be invaluable.

 

[TsumiHokiro]

Is it alright if I currently only have around 3 chapters? I need reviews yes, but mainly about how I write.

Just post a link, that follows the rules. The chicks don't mind how much they end up reading.

 

[PBJ_Time]

I've got a synopsis, a prologue, and 6 chapters at the ready, including several character profiles. Please let me know what you think. I was gonna upload the PDF version of this, but after some thought, it still needed work. I'll be actively editing this draft as we speak. Thank you.

Crimson Purple

Synopsis “You can’t earn your happy ending in a house that always wins.” Hajime was never hit by a truck, let alone died and transported to the game-like world of Cretis. Insane as it sounds, his kind can be considered aliens, magicless beings who look human until someone gets a taste of their...

docs.google.com

 

[Sylverius]

Just post a link, that follows the rules. The chicks don't mind how much they end up reading.

King: The Silver King’s echo (Reworked)

Disclaimer: This is the reboot of the original. Synopsis: A King is more than just a generation or a class. They are known as Kings due to the mysterious powers they wield. Their power allows them to destroy armies alone, guide their people to greatness, split mountains with their bare...

www.scribblehub.com

Here you go, oh great and powerful chicks, I stopped writing for 2 years, and only managed to deliver a prologue and 2 chapters. I hope it's quality is enough to satisfy you.

 

[TsumiHokiro]

I've got a synopsis, a prologue, and 6 chapters at the ready, including several character profiles. Please let me know what you think. I was gonna upload the PDF version of this, but after some thought, it still needed work. I'll be actively editing this draft as we speak. Thank you.

Crimson Purple

Synopsis “You can’t earn your happy ending in a house that always wins.” Hajime was never hit by a truck, let alone died and transported to the game-like world of Cretis. Insane as it sounds, his kind can be considered aliens, magicless beings who look human until someone gets a taste of their...

docs.google.com

King: The Silver King’s echo (Reworked)

Disclaimer: This is the reboot of the original. Synopsis: A King is more than just a generation or a class. They are known as Kings due to the mysterious powers they wield. Their power allows them to destroy armies alone, guide their people to greatness, split mountains with their bare...

www.scribblehub.com

Here you go, oh great and powerful chicks, I stopped writing for 2 years, and only managed to deliver a prologue and 2 chapters. I hope it's quality is enough to satisfy you.

Take your time, both of you. The chicks require time to go through the requests.

 

[TsumiHokiro]

Please do mine, wise chicken. Thank you https://www.scribblehub.com/series/890910/altered-threads-of-fate-gl-isekai/

Greetings, Verdante. The chick has accepted your feed and has decided to give you an opinion.

Initially, the chick has read chapters 1, 8 and 10 before writing this opinion. They were chosen in a time-manner fashion: one being your earliest, eighth being submitted a month or so later and the tenth one being your latest chapter in the series, also a month later.

Your writing style is consistent, although you might go some time without working on the series, and there was not much variation seen in the quality of the grammar in these. There have been some peculiar word choices here and there, and I decided to bring one to attention in particular to illustrate something that might be happening in the other scenarios. This is something you should decide as an Author how to best deal with (including not dealing with).

Chapter 1:​

1. Image dissonance: A very, very rainy chapter. Yet, why is that the picture of your hospital shows a somewhat sunny weather? This chick went back and read the passage to make certain, but, the whole of the chapter happens under rain. A very gloomy weather. Except for that image.
2. Reference confusion: "'Say, if you wanted to, you could kill everyone in this car right now.' Phoenix glared at the man, desperately wanting to pierce through that hollow skull with his own bullet." He? Who is he? Why is Phoenix a man only in this paragraph? Or if it's not Phoenix who wants to, who wants to put the bullet through that hollow skull? The driver? The "kidnapper"?

Chapter 8:​

1. Reference confusion: "She swallowed her impulse and waited for the first dance to finish. After it marked the beginning of the ball’s festivities." This could just be seen as bad English grammar. But this also seems like a reference confusion in the sense of, what was that it came after; what came after the thing, it that marked the beginning…?

Chapter 10:​

1. Needless redundancy: "A woman around Lilianna and Phoenix’s age walked in with a tray." Why are you saying both women's name? Although one's body is there, her consciousness is not, and the one who is going through the POV is only one of them.
2. Reference confusion: "She noticed some security footage around the house too" This. This one had me doubt what I was reading. Security Footage? She was not watching to some video, she was being walked around the house. Not inside some security room, camera room, TV room. Just what exactly were you referring to when you wrote this scene?

Conclusion:

Whenever you are going to write, imagine the scene, make sure of who you are imagining from, then write from that POV. Don't assume another person while you are making the scene unless you want to do sensorial experiment writing. Let your readers know you are going to do those in case you decide to do them. Chicks get confused when they see things they do not expect. I imagine humans do as well. All that thing about superior logic thinking must be doubly hard on them. Manage their expectation better, K?

Other than that, the pictures I've seen, other than the one in the first chapter, were alright! That's nice. But, really, careful with pictures. They tell your readers faster about your story than your text will. That's just how pictures are, unfortunately. Everything else, your story could benefit from editing a bit more after you have written it. Which you have promised to do later, so this chick will end it here. Have a good day, Green Pastures.

 

[Verdante]

Greetings, Verdante. The chick has accepted your feed and has decided to give you an opinion.

Initially, the chick has read chapters 1, 8 and 10 before writing this opinion. They were chosen in a time-manner fashion: one being your earliest, eighth being submitted a month or so later and the tenth one being your latest chapter in the series, also a month later.

Your writing style is consistent, although you might go some time without working on the series, and there was not much variation seen in the quality of the grammar in these. There have been some peculiar word choices here and there, and I decided to bring one to attention in particular to illustrate something that might be happening in the other scenarios. This is something you should decide as an Author how to best deal with (including not dealing with).

Chapter 1:​

1. Image dissonance: A very, very rainy chapter. Yet, why is that the picture of your hospital shows a somewhat sunny weather? This chick went back and read the passage to make certain, but, the whole of the chapter happens under rain. A very gloomy weather. Except for that image.
2. Reference confusion: "'Say, if you wanted to, you could kill everyone in this car right now.' Phoenix glared at the man, desperately wanting to pierce through that hollow skull with his own bullet." He? Who is he? Why is Phoenix a man only in this paragraph? Or if it's not Phoenix who wants to, who wants to put the bullet through that hollow skull? The driver? The "kidnapper"?

Chapter 8:​

1. Reference confusion: "She swallowed her impulse and waited for the first dance to finish. After it marked the beginning of the ball’s festivities." This could just be seen as bad English grammar. But this also seems like a reference confusion in the sense of, what was that it came after; what came after the thing, it that marked the beginning…?

Chapter 10:​

1. Needless redundancy: "A woman around Lilianna and Phoenix’s age walked in with a tray." Why are you saying both women's name? Although one's body is there, her consciousness is not, and the one who is going through the POV is only one of them.
2. Reference confusion: "She noticed some security footage around the house too" This. This one had me doubt what I was reading. Security Footage? She was not watching to some video, she was being walked around the house. Not inside some security room, camera room, TV room. Just what exactly were you referring to when you wrote this scene?

Conclusion:

Whenever you are going to write, imagine the scene, make sure of who you are imagining from, then write from that POV. Don't assume another person while you are making the scene unless you want to do sensorial experiment writing. Let your readers know you are going to do those in case you decide to do them. Chicks get confused when they see things they do not expect. I imagine humans do as well. All that thing about superior logic thinking must be doubly hard on them. Manage their expectation better, K?

Other than that, the pictures I've seen, other than the one in the first chapter, were alright! That's nice. But, really, careful with pictures. They tell your readers faster about your story than your text will. That's just how pictures are, unfortunately. Everything else, your story could benefit from editing a bit more after you have written it. Which you have promised to do later, so this chick will end it here. Have a good day, Green Pastures.

Thank you so much! You raise great points. I didn't even notice the sunny weather in Ch 1's picture .

For chapter 10, I wanted to show Lilianna's dependency on Phoenix like how she thinks about her all the time LOL. I actually wanted to say 'a woman around their age' there, but I think that would be more vague.

Also, nice catch on the security footage! I meant security cameras oops

I forgot to mention the other point in 'that hollow skull with his own bullet', his refers to the kidnapper because he's the only one with the gun in that car!

 

[TsumiHokiro]

I beseech thee, humble chicken. Hope you don't mind.

Micah Ever After

High schooler Sawatari Mikasa has it all: An aptitude for sports, above-average grades, lots of friends, and a little brother that she loves more than anything in the entire world. However, after learning of the boy, Yuu's sudden hospitalization one fateful day, she rushes to check on him in a...

www.scribblehub.com

Greetings, Flashwolf96. The chick has accepted your feed and has decided to give you an opinion.

For the purpose of this review, the Chick has read your Chapter number 1 and 30

Greetings, Flashwolf96. The chick has accepted your feed and has decided to give you an opinion.
For the purpose of this review, the chick has read your Chapters of numbers 1 and 30. They have not been done in their entirety, however. A good portion, however, has been read. To do almost 19k words in a single sitting was a bit much, this chick hopes for your understanding.

Chapter 1:​

1. Redundant words: "As the physically shortest of the group, the tips of her fingers barely reached the cheek of Nari, the tallest". The text already alludes to the height of people, there is no need for "physically".
2. Strange choice of words: "Her melancholic tone and peculiar request unconsciously caused Mikasa’s heart rate to speed up slightly." *Melancholic*? Did you mean grief? Because this is what humans are said to feel under these circumstances, not melancholy. They would feel such much, much later.
3. Your English Fluence: Let's mention the actual problem here: English is obviously not your first language. You might have some decent fluency with it, but at times your text seems more like a translation of your first language into English than an actual English written text. Expressions that have been written out of context, strange choice of words, expressions that have been miswritten, overly complex words. It is everywhere. You really should come back to this chapter and do a really good edition because your latest chapter does not show as much. As much.

Chapter 30:​

1. Strange choice of words: "There are too many things about her circumstances I find auspiciously disadvantageous, so it's worth following up on if this woman in white angle doesn't pan out." Two words that have opposing ideas going together, these do not work together in English. No-no. Also, it's not "help a smirk", but "help but smirk" in that context.

Conclusion:
I have not read your chapters fully, but from what I have noticed your English fluency has improved remarkably these three years since you have published your first one! Which is great! Now go back there and edit it! Show people that you can be a better author than you were back then.
The strangeness that I have found on your first chapter can be described as: am I reading something translated? These were my initial thoughts: someone had decided to translate an original novel in a language I know and decided to have a very "stick to the original culture" approach.
I do not have a problem with this, some authors might prefer this approach when they have their work done in other languages, but the choice of words was very unorthodox, to say the least! A few of them I would only expect to find in a historical novel/drama. Your latest chapter does not present such quirkiness, which makes me assume you were not aiming for recreating a historical English novel in a foreign setting.

Other than that, I do not have any issues whatsoever. Lies, the length of your chapters astounded me! You are writing a web novel, you could cut down your chapters in half of that and people would still have plenty to read in a single reading season, I believe. But that is very, very personal. Do take this with more than just one or two grains of salt.

 

[TsumiHokiro]

Do you mind checking out two of mine?

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/843745/my-goddess-mother-gave-me-a-system-and-kicked-me-out/

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/843715/bleach-gazing-mirage/

Greetings, nii07. The chick has accepted your feed and has decided to give you an opinion.

Firstly, the chick has read both of your novels, though two chapters of one and one of another. Chapters 1 and 105 of Bleach: Gazing Mirage and chapter 255 of My Goddess Mother Gave Me a System and Kicked Me Out were read for this purpose.

Chapter 1:​

1. Repeated words: "As he lay on the ground, a throbbing pain overcame him, causing him to clutch his head and squirm in pain. When the pain subsided"; Soul Reaper; Hollow. Tiring, just tiring. There was also the "Young Man", though it has been repeated in a lesser fashion. Pronouns exist to be used.
2. Incongruent image: The Young man is paralysed by fear, yet, his thoughts are strangely logical! He is also capable of speaking just normal. Why? Are you telling me that when people cannot move due to fear, they are still retaining their other mental faculties? Movement is also controlled by the brain, just like speaking, and if one cannot move, this chick would imagine the man being unable to do pretty much anything else! Especially since moving uses muscles memory, a much more primitive function than that of language. And of logical thinking! Which has been quite well-preserved in this unmovable man.

Chapter 105:​

1. Don't separate your adjectives by comma needlessly: "on the cold, unforgiving surface". This also happens in your first chapter, something about the body of a spider… and this will happen again in chapter 255.
2. Don't simply say, explain: "The air crackled with tension as they approached the holding cells" Crackled with tension? Am I to assume that a lightning discharge happened in this case, then?

Chapter 255:​

1. The adjectives: "lovely, powder-blue dress" Enough has been said.
2. Redundant words: "symbiote clothing liquified and stopped the blade (…) thwarted by Yoko's symbiote clothing", "'I like you,'she said, surprising the woman with her words". Why are you repeating yourself? Also, there was something about repeating the fear the woman felt so many times…

Conclusion:

You have a terrible habit of separating words with comma when you don't need the comma, and not using the comma when you need it. There are other English mistakes such as prepositions and conjunctions being misused. You really should pay more attention to your grammar.

And don't simply assume your readers know what you mean. Don't stop explaining things because they are obvious to you. Some images that you evoke through your text to explain some situations are not that great for the situation. This is something you really should pay attention to. A bad explanation is worse than no explanation at all.

 

[Assurbanipal_II]

Request 2.0: Read novel below

Schwarz

1. Click link.
2. Go reader preferences.
3. Set paragraph spacing to 0.
4. Set theme.
5. Check whether the settings satisfy you.
6. Read.