Hello, Sadgeness. The chicks have accepted your feed but they could not eat it to the end. No, it was not too big; there was something wrong with the consistency.
Firstly, for the purpose of this opinion, your story only has one chapter, therefore the only chapter that could have been read, and has been, was that one. As has been said, it was not read to the end, however. Due to a few problems, which shall be discussed later, the chick who was feeding on it was a bit ill:
Chapter 1:
- The length: It's not usual for this chick to tell about this but after some more pondering (reading some more experienced writers and hearing their opinion on the matter) it has decided that it could warrant to alert people on it. Alert, not really tell people not to do it, after all, what you do is up to you. But considering even you have thought you wrote a bit TOO much, imagine that your readers are also going to think the same. Two chapters worth of text are worth more than a single extra-long chapter. Why? Because readers will get the sensation that the plot has advanced twice as much instead. Kind of weird, but there is something in that arbitrary division of numbers 1, 2, 3 and so on that gives them a thrill when they begin binge reading. It's just how humans are wired nowadays. You should also figure it out. Half as many words, 3k is great, something about people's attention spam. You can only keep people's attention for so long. A birds', like this one, however, can endure much more punishment. It is said the normal human loses focus after 15 steps. Quite frightening.
- Repetitive words: "Leaving that aside, I have a rather peculiar situation that requires an urgent response. Anyway, here's the context." While they are not the same word, "Leaving that aside" and "Anyway" both have the same feel about them, and this bird will therefore put it under this category FOR NOW. There is another problem here, namely, the repetition of "Anyway" is kind of empty. Why are you anyway-ing? You are not changing topics abruptly, nor there is reason for reticence, as instead, you are getting specific. This is the perfect example of an extra word you would get rid of if you had reread your chapter and done some edition. Great use of the comma, by the way.
- Semantics: "There's a game I've been following from its initial announcement until its actual release." So why do you keep talking about the game later with so much passion? You said, "until its actual release". There should have been no more following after it was released. That's how the sentence work. Now this bird is sure of it, did you reread your text?
- Incongruent Ideas: "I found out after playing the game for a bit that it was a sh*t game." Now you're contradicting yourself. Even harder than before. Not only it continued after release, your narrator goes in total opposition of what they had just said two paragraphs prior. The game was good enough for that, and now, so shit, it is hot garbage. It's not wrong to say the excitement of a release could make games look better than they look, but the words you have used is what is wrong. You have defined the sentiment of your first-person narrator as something, only to not long later they go totally opposite. Your narrator is as inconsistent as a mentally confused person, incapable of being trusted with telling a logical story.
Conclusion:
Let's get real, shall we? Your text could benefit from the edition. There are a lot of extra words that could be removed from the text, and this was just from a rapid glance. A careful reading of the text has found that your narrator is an unreliable storyteller. How so? They cannot decide if they should be liking a game decisively in a paragraph, and then, almost the next one, they are hating the game with their guts.
The story is told not in the present tense, which would allow for such feelings; after all, if this chick is now feeling in love with your writing, 30 minutes from now it could be very sad it even read it. No, it is writing this story from the future, about things that have already happened, and therefore, it should have some certainty about what has happened in the days of yore. This is what past voice has.
Even a first-person narrator, who is uncertain about everything, since they are only a single individual in the universe, many times they are even a character of the story, know of the events of the past; they know of the things that have happened days before and about their feelings, experiences, emotions regarding events certain. More so if these are so important to the tale. UNLESS YOU ARE WRITING PSYCHOLOGICAL. OR MYSTERY. Then you might have a narrator who is uncertain of their own feelings. The second is much less common, however. It is counterproductive most of the time, but it can happen.
Which begs the question, what are you writing? Why are you using an uncertain narrator? You are not writing psychological. Your story is instead characteristic of bad elements that should have been polished during the edition of your text. And for that, you should go back and edit your text. You should see what your narrator is certain of, and make sure they are not so sure of it in the future. You write with absolute certain, they are sure of things in ways that are not in accordance with the text. Following until the launch, but they go beyond the launch, to play the game, to find it is a massive bore.
This is bad narration. Iron out the inconsistencies. Polish out your narrative. Be sure your text does not say something in the beginning, just later to say it is doing exactly the opposite of it.
You have a story here; you have something to tell, but you do not have a clear, objective way of telling it. You really need to iron it out, and for that, you need an editor to do it. Either find someone who will do it, or do the edition yourself. Authors improve much when they edit the text themselves. But if you find someone to do the edition for you, hear them out.
This bird will not do more than this because it is clear that you are suffering from a poorly, hastily written, first edition version of something you wrote. You will get readers, in fact, you have more than this chick has with its own novel, so do not feel discouraged in your endeavours.
Have a good journey, young writer.
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, Large. Diversity is the spice of life. You are not spending your time writing about the same encounters. Expand a bit your lexical approach and things can be much more interesting… especially when these words are repeated in series. There is a mystic to making repetition being nice: you prepare the reader for them, give meaning to it. They are not simply done randomly. Few people can do that. Whereas in porn it can be easier done, since it is much more about repetition, a few steps cannot be skipped in the process, such as preparing the reader to the symbolism that the word will take in the scene. Here, the words have grown dull. "Fiona had a cock, and that cock needed to cum" is a good example of where you have given real meaning to the repetition.
