The Chicken Pen (Feedback Thread)

[marvel_away]

Was my novel skipped or is it still in back log?

 

[TsumiHokiro]

Was my novel skipped or is it still in back log?

Yours is number 2. I'm with a backlog, and I'm not doing it everyday due to being busy.

 

[TsumiHokiro]

Aww, this is a great little idea. Here chicky, I offer you my feed. I love adorable things like this. :)

Hello, Harrydouthwaite, how are you? Thank you for the feed, the chicks have peeked on it and one of them has decided to offer you an opinion on it.

Initially, the chick has read chapters 1 and 12 of your offer. It has made some notes, which follows, but it would like to first let you know that your text could use some edition:

Chapter 1:​

1. The Paragraphs: "Rays of evening (…) at school that day", "For P.E he had to change (…) was incredibly traumatising", "The only teacher (…) it was missing." All of these quotes are a single paragraph in the original, yet, as this chick has divided then, they can become three: Description of the Boy; An event that happened during P.E; Another event that happened after P.E. 3 different ideas, yet you wrote it in a single huge paragraph. And this is only one example, because later, there are more of these huge walls of text that this chick has seen. Making each event its own logical division makes it easier for when you need to go back and re-read, get lost in the text, need to find information in the text. It is organization, it's both good for the writer and for the reader. In the past, words were not written with a space between them, nowadays, they are. It is the sort of thing that once you learn the benefit of doing it, it becomes hard to adapt to how the old ways were.
2. Awkward sentence: "Robin scribbled in the number of the front four carriage set he had just seen." The number seen in the four front carriages? On the fourth carriage? The way this is phrased is ambiguous. This bird will use this entry to remind that it usually does points out much of the spelling, unless it is recurring. In your case, it is VERY recurring, but there won't be highlighting. There are other things to note.

Conclusion:

The chick did not take any notes during chapter 12 because you were very consistent in your writing. This, however, only means you repeated the same things from the first in your last chapter. This bird has been wondering, after having read, if it might not have been intentional somewhat how long those paragraphs had been during the initial chapter. However, the state of your latest one makes it believe that you have a tendency of not dividing paragraphs unless there is dialogue ahead of you. This is very evident in 12, which paragraphs are very well-defined, but only because there is so much more dialogue. When there is not, they start to grow uncomfortably long.

Another thing, you have probably not done a second reading of your text, have you? There are some silly misspellings, missing quotation marks opening dialogue, repetition of words where you probably have rephrased a sentence which is the hallmark of an author who has not edited their own text, or asked for anyone to do so. There are other things (hyphenation, commas, etc.) but those can be addressed with computer aid, so if you're interested, look at some options, there are plenty. Do keep some author personality, though. You already have your own writing style, you only need to polish.

As for your story, this feathered creature has nothing to say about it. As it opened this conclusion saying, it is very consistent. It found it very interesting and was kind of bummed when it noticed that chapter 12 was the last chapter. It is also glad that it can read it all when it has time and more disposition for reading as well, as your writing is very appealing indeed. With that said, this chick hopes you find this comment useful and have a good new year.

 

[TsumiHokiro]

Cold Hearted Revenge

It follows the unsuspecting life of Melissa Thompson, a young woman seeking therapy to overcome her smoking addiction. Little does she know that her therapist, Dr. Eleanor Turner, and a vengeful tycoon named Victor Kane have woven an intricate web of manipulation around her. [Image: Source...

www.scribblehub.com

Would like to know what mistakes I made and where to improve.

Merry Christmas, marvel_away. Thank you for the patience, and for really wanting the feedback of this chick.

Initially, the bird has read chapters 1.1 and 1.2 to write this feedback. What, no latest? No, due to how the chapters were written, the feathered creature has decided not to read the latest of your series. This is because of what it has considered recording here.

Chapters 1.1 and 1.2:​

1. Describe, don't tell: "The therapist's probing questions unearthed the layers of Melissa's insecurities, weaving a narrative of emotional turbulence." Vs "beneath him seemed oblivious to the storm brewing within the confines of his mind." The first passage is from chapter 1.1, whereas the second is from 1.2. They both are telling, not descriptions, but what came after them are very different. In chapter 1.2, you describe this storm that had been brewing in the confines of the character's mind is, whereas in 1.1, you are done with any mentions of such "emotional turbulence", finishing the encounter between Melissa and the Doctor as fast as possible. In fact, you are in such a hurry that this is mainly what this feedback will be about. Why are you in a hurry?
2. Describe, don't tell: "Melissa, driven by a genuine desire to better herself", "But these were merely the preliminary stages of a more profound metamorphosis that awaited her", "Once our enemies are dealt with, you'll get what you desire. Until then, keep manipulating our pawn." The hurry is even more evident here. Who is Melissa? Why are you telling us so many things instead of taking your time to introduce them? Do you have a quota? Obviously, you do. Nowhere do you go beyond telling things, perhaps leaving it for later.

Conclusion:

Let's begin, shall we? Or rather, talk real. Extremely short chapters which advance the plot, yet describe little of the main plot device (Melissa). This is a way of making a story, but you are losing so much of the novel at the same time. Why do you have a character and are going to tell so many things about her just to not use her? This chick is talking specifically of her circumstances.

Everything in your story is about Melissa, yet nothing in it tells the reader of her, only of things around her. You are telling me she is going to change, but not from what, only to what, and that does not particularly make for a compelling psychological, it makes for an interesting adventure.

"Appearance Changes"? How exactly? You never took the time to describe how the character looked initially, and if she did look something before, the reader didn't have time to establish familiarity with it for it to really be of significance. If anything, you are depicting a change of clothes! Yes, like that of a skin during a game, between matches!

If you wanted to create a very shallow character that you are later going to describe, you have very well managed to do it, but from the start you have not created a psychological novel, instead, a thriller. Because these are novels that have action happening scene after scene; a sex scene not long after the beginning; the cherry of the cake, people going after the mastermind. Not psychological at all.

You have not taken the time to give character to your protagonists. They are paper thin, unidimensional, the total opposite of what is to be expected from the genres you have told your readers. They were supposed to be bi or more dimensional, with plenty of internal conflicts for them to delight themselves in. In fact, this was what this bird had expected to find after reading the synopsis and the tags, but instead, here is an Action Mystery Thriller.

Have a good end of the year, Super-Heroes-Comic-Homebase Writer.

 

[marvel_away]

Merry Christmas, marvel_away. Thank you for the patience, and for really wanting the feedback of this chick.

Initially, the bird has read chapters 1.1 and 1.2 to write this feedback. What, no latest? No, due to how the chapters were written, the feathered creature has decided not to read the latest of your series. This is because of what it has considered recording here.

Chapters 1.1 and 1.2:​

1. Describe, don't tell: "The therapist's probing questions unearthed the layers of Melissa's insecurities, weaving a narrative of emotional turbulence." Vs "beneath him seemed oblivious to the storm brewing within the confines of his mind." The first passage is from chapter 1.1, whereas the second is from 1.2. They both are telling, not descriptions, but what came after them are very different. In chapter 1.2, you describe this storm that had been brewing in the confines of the character's mind is, whereas in 1.1, you are done with any mentions of such "emotional turbulence", finishing the encounter between Melissa and the Doctor as fast as possible. In fact, you are in such a hurry that this is mainly what this feedback will be about. Why are you in a hurry?
2. Describe, don't tell: "Melissa, driven by a genuine desire to better herself", "But these were merely the preliminary stages of a more profound metamorphosis that awaited her", "Once our enemies are dealt with, you'll get what you desire. Until then, keep manipulating our pawn." The hurry is even more evident here. Who is Melissa? Why are you telling us so many things instead of taking your time to introduce them? Do you have a quota? Obviously, you do. Nowhere do you go beyond telling things, perhaps leaving it for later.

Conclusion:

Let's begin, shall we? Or rather, talk real. Extremely short chapters which advance the plot, yet describe little of the main plot device (Melissa). This is a way of making a story, but you are losing so much of the novel at the same time. Why do you have a character and are going to tell so many things about her just to not use her? This chick is talking specifically of her circumstances.

Everything in your story is about Melissa, yet nothing in it tells the reader of her, only of things around her. You are telling me she is going to change, but not from what, only to what, and that does not particularly make for a compelling psychological, it makes for an interesting adventure.

"Appearance Changes"? How exactly? You never took the time to describe how the character looked initially, and if she did look something before, the reader didn't have to establish familiarity with it for it to really be of significance. If anything, you are depicting a change of clothes! Yes, like that of a skin during a game, between matches!

If you wanted to create a very shallow character that you are later going to describe, you have very well managed to do it, but from the start you have not created a psychological novel, instead, a thriller. Because these are novels that have action happening scene after scene; a sex scene not long after the beginning; the cherry of the cake, people going after the mastermind. Not psychological at all.

You have not taken the time to give character to your protagonists. They are paper thin, unidimensional, the total opposite of what is to be expected from the genres you have told your readers. They were supposed to be bi or more dimensional, with plenty of internal conflicts for them to delight themselves in. In fact, this was what this bird had expected to find after reading the synopsis and the tags, but instead, here is an Action Mystery Thriller.

Have a good end of the year, Super-Heroes-Comic-Homebase Writer.

Some people had almost the same opinion as you, so I am trying to shore up my weaknesses in the later chapters but it will take time.

Anyway thanks for the feedback.

 

[TsumiHokiro]

Some people had almost the same opinion as you, so I am trying to shore up my weaknesses in the later chapters but it will take time.

Anyway thanks for the feedback.

Edit your past. This will make your novel that much better. Of course, you will also need to rewrite, but it is good to know you have heard from others. This chick did see that people were commenting on your story, and as such, is happy for you.

 

[Sadgeness]

My Transformation Fiction in Another World of BAD ends!

Haa... Really, the other transmigrator, reincarnator, and so on were busy saving beautiful girls and beating guys. Here I am, beating a beautiful girl and protecting a guy. I'm really damn speechless at how ironic and sad my situation is. Cleris stared at the anomalies heavily inspired by...

www.scribblehub.com

Please give me some of your insights and your thoughts about the story. (It's only at the beginning. But its quite long so it's almost 2 chapter or more. The first instance of the novel is going to be... a bit long monologue haha...)

 

[harrydouthwaite]

Hello, Harrydouthwaite, how are you? Thank you for the feed, the chicks have peeked on it and one of them has decided to offer you an opinion on it.

Initially, the chick has read chapters 1 and 12 of your offer. It has made some notes, which follows, but it would like to first let you know that your text could use some edition...

Aww, thanks for your honest and helpful feedback little chickie! :)

Yes, I must admit I do have a lot of work to do to tidy up my story. So much perhaps that I just wasn't quite sure where to start. I'll try to keep the paragraph lengths in mind when I go through the next round of editing.

There isn't anything 'misspelled', this book is set in the U.K and is primarily aimed for that audience, so the spellings (and terminologies) are British-English.

I also haven't noticed any missing quotation marks. Unless in an instance like this:
'This is the most fun I've had for ages. Robin thought.' I noticed that quotation marks were not used for thoughts, while I read 'Babe' by Dick King Smith.

I have been editing and removing redundant language whenever I notice it, but clearly I need to keep working on it.

 

[Amrasil207]

My Arknights' Fan-Fiction.
I had been stumbling around the forum, looking for insights, and perhaps fix my messy English. That's why I found this thread and I thought of giving it a go...

 

[TsumiHokiro]

Aww, thanks for your honest and helpful feedback little chickie! :)

Yes, I must admit I do have a lot of work to do to tidy up my story. So much perhaps that I just wasn't quite sure where to start. I'll try to keep the paragraph lengths in mind when I go through the next round of editing.

There isn't anything 'misspelled', this book is set in the U.K and is primarily aimed for that audience, so the spellings (and terminologies) are British-English.

I also haven't noticed any missing quotation marks. Unless in an instance like this:
'This is the most fun I've had for ages. Robin thought.' I noticed that quotation marks were not used for thoughts, while I read 'Babe' by Dick King Smith.

I have been editing and removing redundant language whenever I notice it, but clearly I need to keep working on it.

This chick did not mean the boring fight between American and British spelling. You have overused hyphens to link words where there might otherwise not have been, but this is a style of your own. If you understood this comment to mean spelling as this, please, read again and understand it as this. Words linked with hyphen are also considered a "spelling" mistake if you do not have cause for use.

Of course, you might be trying to bring emphasis to the situation. It might be that your character, or you, as the author, have a different understanding of that word than usual, and therefore, thought it was interesting to link these words with "-", but when they are spelt with "-", it is still a spelling variation, and therefore, something that usually follow rules. These situations failed to cause such warring, and therefore, is why the bird thought it was something useful to call attention to.

And yes, there are some dialogues, from memory now the chick said it was chapter 12, it might not have been (a few days have already gone by and the further in time it goes by, the less likely it is to remember the passage).

My Arknights' Fan-Fiction.
I had been stumbling around the forum, looking for insights, and perhaps fix my messy English. That's why I found this thread and I thought of giving it a go...

Understand something, although the chicks MIGHT tell you of your English spellings and messy constructions, this is not the main focus of the thread. If you are looking for someone to edit your writing, use a computer program available on the internet, or look for help on Discord. In fact, if your writing is too messy, none of the chicks might read your text at all instead. This is not a volunteer for edition, it is trying to offer insight where such programs fail to offer you help with.

 

[someawkwardflame]

Hello great chick! I've just started my first public story and would love feedback on it, particularly anything that seems to be habits that can become bad down the line, but any feedback would be very useful! It is smutty, i hope the chicken does not mind.

My story!

 

[Amrasil207]

Make sense, alright then.

 

[miyaskya]

Hi, I'm new to Scribble Hub and would like some feedback on my first story:

Grand Epic Elemental

In a world overseen by the goddesses of the four elements, Leiyu accompanies a trade caravan traveling westward to the Kingdom of Ishkhandar. Little does he know, he is about to meet someone who will change his life and embark on a journey to escape fate. *** This story is a...

www.scribblehub.com

This story is a novelization of my webcomic of the same name, so some chapters might seem shorter than others since they correspond to the comic episodes.

 

[KDBooks97]

I humbly offer my story, The Miserably Macabre Tales of Luna Samuels as potential chicken feed.

Trigger Warning: Do be advised, if any of your chickies have an allergy to non-explicit mentions of self-harm, mental health issues and suicidal thoughts, my story may upset your chicken's tummies.

The Miserably Macabre Tales of Luna Samuels

'My name is Faith Elizabeth Samuels. Well, it used to be, before I left my fundamentalist helicopter parents and started going by Luna... My counselor tells me writing will help me to 'heal'. Somehow, writing my feelings of depression, anxiety, self harm and suicidal thoughts will negate a...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[TsumiHokiro]

Oh holy and merciful chick I offer you my story. I hope it is to your liking. 🫴

Wandering the World

Stan, Dariüse, and Quiet are three friends reunited through the death of Stan's wife. This tragedy leads them on a journey around the world to not only discover themselves, but also how they fit into the world around them. Stan wants revenge against the powers that be, but who...

www.scribblehub.com

Merry Christmas, MoMoKushBear. The Chicken Pen hopes you are having a delightful day when you receive this feedback.

Firstly, for the purpose of writing this feedback, the fed chick has read the first chapter, The Prelude, and the latest, Yekini. The chicks really like numbered chapters, but since your story does not have that many, this chick will not make such a fuss out of it. If you do decide to introduce numbered chapters alongside your named ones, this chick will rejoice!

The Prelude:​

1. Repetitive word: Year. Seven (7) times do you repeat it on the first paragraph only. Seven is an exceptional number: it is prime, how many days you have in a week, is considered holy in many religions around the world. Yet, for repeating it 7 times, year is not really that special of a word in the chapter. There is a "special hunt THIS YEAR", the word that should have been repeated so many times in the first paragraph should have been HUNT instead, not YEAR, this chick believes. The year is just another one, made special because of the events that happened then, not because it was THE YEAR.
2. Story Time: "He had enlisted into the Marines at 18 (…) playing the games." What a great confusion you have done here. You write in the same paragraph, no wait, middle of the paragraph, a convoluted story of the past and present and finish up with the rules of a game that is still happening! This chick was almost convinced you had delivered a perfect tale had it not been for "Murder is allowed"… and then everything went down the drain. After consulting other tentative chicks, we have come to the conclusion that it is indeed convoluted and confusing.

Yekini:​

1. The English: "Yekini can intimate just from the sight of him alone", "The sound is deafening being heard by people miles" Yekini is a very amorous person, capable of getting intimate with you with sight alone. Splendid. Second, grammar broken. This is pervasive throughout the chapter.

Conclusion:

3 years have passed between "The Prelude" and "Yekini." Yet, not much in the sense of an improvement in the quality of storytelling has been done this time. Did you stop writing? Did you stop reading? Did you stop improving your English, in the meantime? Somehow, this feathered creature would not find it strange if you said yes. Over a thousand days have passed, but the quality of your writing did not improve much at all. Well, your words did diversify a bit, this bird will grant you that: whereas in your first chapter you had been repeating words 7 times in a row (paragraph), they now appear with a bit more of space in between them, and with a bit bigger of a semantic field of choice in your synonymous. But this is not spectacular.

Consider editing your chapters before you publish them: read them once again, see if they make sense to you. Some very basic mistakes are present. Consider using the free edition of programs like Grammarly or LanguageTool. Yes, I'm naming them for you. You really could use them to improve your writing. You need a language editor before you need a story one. If you don't have a good form, you can't deliver good content. The chick has not refused to read your story, but it has degraded so much your story content that the chicks were depressed over reading your story. So please, be a bit more careful with it, OK?

 

[SurfAngel_1031]

Merry Christmas, MoMoKushBear. The Chicken Pen hopes you are having a delightful day when you receive this feedback.

Firstly, for the purpose of writing this feedback, the fed chick has read the first chapter, The Prelude, and the latest, Yekini. The chicks really like numbered chapters, but since your story does not have that many, this chick will not make such a fuss out of it. If you do decide to introduce numbered chapters alongside your named ones, this chick will rejoice!

The Prelude:​

1. Repetitive word: Year. Seven (7) times do you repeat it on the first paragraph only. Seven is an exceptional number: it is prime, how many days you have in a week, is considered holy in many religions around the world. Yet, for repeating it 7 times, year is not really that special of a word in the chapter. There is a "special hunt THIS YEAR", the word that should have been repeated so many times in the first paragraph should have been HUNT instead, not YEAR, this chick believes. The year is just another one, made special because of the events that happened then, not because it was THE YEAR.
2. Story Time: "He had enlisted into the Marines at 18 (…) playing the games." What a great confusion you have done here. You write in the same paragraph, no wait, middle of the paragraph, a convoluted story of the past and present and finish up with the rules of a game that is still happening! This chick was almost convinced you had delivered a perfect tale had it not been for "Murder is allowed"… and then everything went down the drain. After consulting other tentative chicks, we have come to the conclusion that it is indeed convoluted and confusing.

Yekini:​

1. The English: "Yekini can intimate just from the sight of him alone", "The sound is deafening being heard by people miles" Yekini is a very amorous person, capable of getting intimate with you with sight alone. Splendid. Second, grammar broken. This is pervasive throughout the chapter.

Conclusion:

3 years have passed between "The Prelude" and "Yekini." Yet, not much in the sense of an improvement in the quality of storytelling has been done this time. Did you stop writing? Did you stop reading? Did you stop improving your English, in the meantime? Somehow, this feathered creature would not find it strange if you said yes. Over a thousand days have passed, but the quality of your writing did not improve much at all. Well, your words did diversify a bit, this bird will grant you that: whereas in your first chapter you had been repeating words 7 times in a row (paragraph), they now appear with a bit more of space in between them, and with a bit bigger of a semantic field of choice in your synonymous. But this is not spectacular.

Consider editing your chapters before you publish them: read them once again, see if they make sense to you. Some very basic mistakes are present. Consider using the free edition of programs like Grammarly or LanguageTool. Yes, I'm naming them for you. You really could use them to improve your writing. You need a language editor before you need a story one. If you don't have a good form, you can't deliver good content. The chick has not refused to read your story, but it has degraded so much your story content that the chicks were depressed over reading your story. So please, be a bit more careful with it, OK?

Spot on review. Please keep up the the fine feedback you provide.

 

[MoMoKushBear]

Merry Christmas, MoMoKushBear. The Chicken Pen hopes you are having a delightful day when you receive this feedback.

Firstly, for the purpose of writing this feedback, the fed chick has read the first chapter, The Prelude, and the latest, Yekini. The chicks really like numbered chapters, but since your story does not have that many, this chick will not make such a fuss out of it. If you do decide to introduce numbered chapters alongside your named ones, this chick will rejoice!

The Prelude:​

1. Repetitive word: Year. Seven (7) times do you repeat it on the first paragraph only. Seven is an exceptional number: it is prime, how many days you have in a week, is considered holy in many religions around the world. Yet, for repeating it 7 times, year is not really that special of a word in the chapter. There is a "special hunt THIS YEAR", the word that should have been repeated so many times in the first paragraph should have been HUNT instead, not YEAR, this chick believes. The year is just another one, made special because of the events that happened then, not because it was THE YEAR.
2. Story Time: "He had enlisted into the Marines at 18 (…) playing the games." What a great confusion you have done here. You write in the same paragraph, no wait, middle of the paragraph, a convoluted story of the past and present and finish up with the rules of a game that is still happening! This chick was almost convinced you had delivered a perfect tale had it not been for "Murder is allowed"… and then everything went down the drain. After consulting other tentative chicks, we have come to the conclusion that it is indeed convoluted and confusing.

Yekini:​

1. The English: "Yekini can intimate just from the sight of him alone", "The sound is deafening being heard by people miles" Yekini is a very amorous person, capable of getting intimate with you with sight alone. Splendid. Second, grammar broken. This is pervasive throughout the chapter.

Conclusion:

3 years have passed between "The Prelude" and "Yekini." Yet, not much in the sense of an improvement in the quality of storytelling has been done this time. Did you stop writing? Did you stop reading? Did you stop improving your English, in the meantime? Somehow, this feathered creature would not find it strange if you said yes. Over a thousand days have passed, but the quality of your writing did not improve much at all. Well, your words did diversify a bit, this bird will grant you that: whereas in your first chapter you had been repeating words 7 times in a row (paragraph), they now appear with a bit more of space in between them, and with a bit bigger of a semantic field of choice in your synonymous. But this is not spectacular.

Consider editing your chapters before you publish them: read them once again, see if they make sense to you. Some very basic mistakes are present. Consider using the free edition of programs like Grammarly or LanguageTool. Yes, I'm naming them for you. You really could use them to improve your writing. You need a language editor before you need a story one. If you don't have a good form, you can't deliver good content. The chick has not refused to read your story, but it has degraded so much your story content that the chicks were depressed over reading your story. So please, be a bit more careful with it, OK?

I literally pay for grammarly where I write the story on their app to make sure there are no spelling and grammar errors. If you didn't like the story or it's not your thing you could have just said that. No need to insult someone and try to hide it as advice. But I guess thanks for your two cents.

 

[TsumiHokiro]

Not sure if you remember Wise Chicken, but you've given feed back another anither story of mine before.

I'm here with a different story, it's a rewriting of my most successful story and i'd like your opinion on it. It currently only jas 9 chapters and each chapter is below 1,600 words, so they're quick to get through, anyway enough talking, I'll let my story do the rest!!!

Elenora's Academy of Magicka: Ken Granfold

Merry Christmas, KingMusa. The chicks have accepted your offering and come to deliver you an opinion.

Firstly, the chicks remember writing you the first opinion. It was even from there that this chicken pen has opened its doors for new offerings. They yet do not know if it was a good idea or a bad idea. But they continue doing what it has somehow begun with your old story.
As for your new story, chapters 1 and 10 have been read and used as reference for writing the following opinion.

Chapter 1:​

1. The comma: "was a teenage boy, his deep brown," "I'll be back to get you later, for now, head back", "Well then you best." Nothing really critical, but was the first consistent error that has come to this chick's attention: the squiggly little thing in the text. They're not worms, else they would have been eaten! They should be replaced with periods, unfortunately. That's not how you use a comma. First passage there's a clear difference of idea between first sentence and second sentence, a ";" could have been used, and then suppressed the pronoun. The second one, only a period would save it. And in the third, there should be a comma after "Well", the interjection. This will be all on commas.
2. Describe, don't tell: "Parts of the cabin were covered in vines and moss, giving it a unique beauty." Vines and mosses can make something look many things: abandoned, rustic, beautiful. Describe to your readers the feeling of beauty you have envisioned, don't simply assume people associate nature with beauty. You don't have to really describe the vines growing on the walls and the moss filling the space in between the wood logs, but how it inspired a sense of completeness with the forest, instead of an artificial construct. It sure would help people understand your author's aesthetics. No, you cannot use this bird's words. Don't simply be a bore telling people of furniture, a house like any other (after saying it was a beautiful house compared with nature itself. Not many houses look good inside a forest!) At the same time, don't waste too much time describing it TOO much, since you obviously don't want to give it importance. If you are going to mention something, it's because it has some importance.
3. The Narrators: "Apart from August, no one else knows about Volterra." A very interesting narrative style you have decided on. There are two narrators in your chapter: one for introducing characters and events past (it uses present tense and past tense), and another for the current events (it uses the past tense). It is also a very dangerous style which you should have clearly limited to that which this chick has described here, introduction and current events, for a reason: don't confuse your narrative with different voices. Their style of telling a story is different right from the beginning, they use different verb tenses! And by mixing them together, you finally placed a sentence in the wrong narrator, "No one else knew". This should be a current narrator sentence. You have used the present tense because to you, the author, it is in the "present"; therefore, you let it slip in your mind, and it became a present thing, didn’t it? Keep your narrators, people might complain you are complicating your story needlessly, but it is something that brings uniqueness to you, and it is your own style. But get rid of anything that will bring confusion to your story ASAP. Such as this example and any other happenings. You're on your own to find them.

Chapter 10:​

1. Semantics: "However for a few other students who had no former relation to their new colleagues". Ah, nothing beats new dorm life, but nothing can sour it more than finding out that you are a mate with a former relation(ship)! Or maybe, spicy it! Who knows, maybe it's time for rekindling old loves? *Winks* You probably meant previous relation here.
2. Repetitive words: "She carried a broadsword equipped to her hip." Carried and equipped? Can you not decide if it was either one or the other? One gives the impression of a burden of weight, the other of versatility of an attachment to your body.
3. Semantics: "We can help each other discover new knowledge." What is knowledge? Is it so cheap that two can monopolize? Or rather, is it so easy to uncover that students can do it to each other? If it were "new things", and not knowledge, it would be easy to understand, but the word "knowledge" bear so much more to it than simply something that fresh students did not know just because they are neophytes in the study of something. It bears the weight of wisdom that has been proven useful, and therefore, is worth knowing. So casually was this aid, as if it was the easiest of things for anyone to discover new things worth knowing.
4. Miscellaneous English: "Dorm 44’s Welcoming Party got louder and louder into the night, everyone was building rapport with each other," "From the small group Ken was a part of, only Ken and Lydia." Not "was", only "everyone building". This has bugged this bird enough: why are you not using pronouns and repeating people's name so many times? Koko, Koko, Lydia-Ken/Lydia-Ken…

Conclusion:

Although at first it seems you have different problems in chapter 1 and chapter 10, the chick does not seem so. Part of your problem in chapter 1 was trying a different way of telling a story. It's something that is gone in your latest. The narrators, that it had somehow enjoyed? They were replaced by a character that now introduces others. At least, with it are gone your concerns of past-present tense. There are fewer comma issues, though there still are some. Not enough for this feathered creature to make a dedicated entry to them.

For reason unknown, you have been using words in strange ways. Are you relying on a thesaurus or some program suggestions? If that is the case, double check those. If not, check any word you are not familiar with before you use. Words have peculiarities, which depending on the context they are used they might not be that which they usually mean (former is one such example) whereas others have a much broader meaning (knowledge) and unless you are familiar with those words, it is never a good idea to senselessly accept any suggestions for substitution of a known word for another one simply because you are trying to be less repetitive or want a different feel. Whereas where you could be using your creativity, rephrasing your sentences so they look less repetitive, straightforward, less or more wordy, this chick does not seem to see the same energy spent.

All in all, it is nice to see that you have worked on the past suggestions and that new problems have arisen. This means that you have progressed, even if this progress might not seem like one to a few. Not being in the same place is always some progress. To change is having new possibilities open to you, so you can try that new approach. Now, you simply have to keep changing, and get that quality you desire.

 

[KingMusa]

Merry Christmas, KingMusa. The chicks have accepted your offering and come to deliver you an opinion.

Firstly, the chicks remember writing you the first opinion. It was even from there that this chicken pen has opened its doors for new offerings. They yet do not know if it was a good idea or a bad idea. But they continue doing what it has somehow begun with your old story.
As for your new story, chapters 1 and 10 have been read and used as reference for writing the following opinion.

Chapter 1:​

1. The comma: "was a teenage boy, his deep brown," "I'll be back to get you later, for now, head back", "Well then you best." Nothing really critical, but was the first consistent error that has come to this chick's attention: the squiggly little thing in the text. They're not worms, else they would have been eaten! They should be replaced with periods, unfortunately. That's not how you use a comma. First passage there's a clear difference of idea between first sentence and second sentence, a ";" could have been used, and then suppressed the pronoun. The second one, only a period would save it. And in the third, there should be a comma after "Well", the interjection. This will be all on commas.
2. Describe, don't tell: "Parts of the cabin were covered in vines and moss, giving it a unique beauty." Vines and mosses can make something look many things: abandoned, rustic, beautiful. Describe to your readers the feeling of beauty you have envisioned, don't simply assume people associate nature with beauty. You don't have to really describe the vines growing on the walls and the moss filling the space in between the wood logs, but how it inspired a sense of completeness with the forest, instead of an artificial construct. It sure would help people understand your author's aesthetics. No, you cannot use this bird's words. Don't simply be a bore telling people of furniture, a house like any other (after saying it was a beautiful house compared with nature itself. Not many houses look good inside a forest!) At the same time, don't waste too much time describing it TOO much, since you obviously don't want to give it importance. If you are going to mention something, it's because it has some importance.
3. The Narrators: "Apart from August, no one else knows about Volterra." A very interesting narrative style you have decided on. There are two narrators in your chapter: one for introducing characters and events past (it uses present tense and past tense), and another for the current events (it uses the past tense). It is also a very dangerous style which you should have clearly limited to that which this chick has described here, introduction and current events, for a reason: don't confuse your narrative with different voices. Their style of telling a story is different right from the beginning, they use different verb tenses! And by mixing them together, you finally placed a sentence in the wrong narrator, "No one else knew". This should be a current narrator sentence. You have used the present tense because to you, the author, it is in the "present"; therefore, you let it slip in your mind, and it became a present thing, didn’t it? Keep your narrators, people might complain you are complicating your story needlessly, but it is something that brings uniqueness to you, and it is your own style. But get rid of anything that will bring confusion to your story ASAP. Such as this example and any other happenings. You're on your own to find them.

Chapter 10:​

1. Semantics: "However for a few other students who had no former relation to their new colleagues". Ah, nothing beats new dorm life, but nothing can sour it more than finding out that you are a mate with a former relation(ship)! Or maybe, spicy it! Who knows, maybe it's time for rekindling old loves? *Winks* You probably meant previous relation here.
2. Repetitive words: "She carried a broadsword equipped to her hip." Carried and equipped? Can you not decide if it was either one or the other? One gives the impression of a burden of weight, the other of versatility of an attachment to your body.
3. Semantics: "We can help each other discover new knowledge." What is knowledge? Is it so cheap that two can monopolize? Or rather, is it so easy to uncover that students can do it to each other? If it were "new things", and not knowledge, it would be easy to understand, but the word "knowledge" bear so much more to it than simply something that fresh students did not know just because they are neophytes in the study of something. It bears the weight of wisdom that has been proven useful, and therefore, is worth knowing. So casually was this aid, as if it was the easiest of things for anyone to discover new things worth knowing.
4. Miscellaneous English: "Dorm 44’s Welcoming Party got louder and louder into the night, everyone was building rapport with each other," "From the small group Ken was a part of, only Ken and Lydia." Not "was", only "everyone building". This has bugged this bird enough: why are you not using pronouns and repeating people's name so many times? Koko, Koko, Lydia-Ken/Lydia-Ken…

Conclusion:

Although at first it seems you have different problems in chapter 1 and chapter 10, the chick does not seem so. Part of your problem in chapter 1 was trying a different way of telling a story. It's something that is gone in your latest. The narrators, that I had somehow enjoyed? They were replaced by a character that now introduces others. At least, with it are gone your concerns of past-present tense. There are fewer comma issues, though there still are some. Not enough for this feathered creature to make a dedicated entry to them.

For reason unknown, you have been using words in strange ways. Are you relying on a thesaurus or some program suggestions? If that is the case, double check those. If not, check any word you are not familiar with before you use. Words have peculiarities, which depending on the context they are used they might not be that which they usually mean (former is one such example) whereas others have a much broader meaning (knowledge) and unless you are familiar with those words, it is never a good idea to senselessly accept any suggestions for substitution of a known word for another one simply because you are trying to be less repetitive or want a different feel. Whereas where you could be using your creativity, rephrasing your sentences so they look less repetitive, straightforward, less or more wordy, this chick does not seem to see the same energy spent.

All in all, it is nice to see that you have worked on the past suggestions and that new problems have arisen. This means that you have progressed, even if this progress might not seem like one to a few. Not being in the same place is always some progress. To change is having new possibilities open to you, so you can try that new approach. Now, you simply have to keep changing, and get that quality you desire.

Yes I've already struggled with past and present tense, so at one point of my writing carrying I think I might of unconsciously kinda stopped caring. Also this story was first written in first person so I guess that didn't really help it.

Yes, I use a thesaurus while I write. I use to get a lot of criticism on my repetitive writing, so I thought thesaurus was the answer, I'll be sure to use it more wisely. As for editing I use Grammarly and Google Docs spell check, as well as my eyes.

Thank You Great Chic for feeding on my work. Hope to bargain with you again!

 

[TsumiHokiro]

My Transformation Fiction in Another World of BAD ends!

Haa... Really, the other transmigrator, reincarnator, and so on were busy saving beautiful girls and beating guys. Here I am, beating a beautiful girl and protecting a guy. I'm really damn speechless at how ironic and sad my situation is. Cleris stared at the anomalies heavily inspired by...

www.scribblehub.com

Please give me some of your insights and your thoughts about the story. (It's only at the beginning. But its quite long so it's almost 2 chapter or more. The first instance of the novel is going to be... a bit long monologue haha...)

Hello, Sadgeness. The chicks have accepted your feed but they could not eat it to the end. No, it was not too big; there was something wrong with the consistency.

Firstly, for the purpose of this opinion, your story only has one chapter, therefore the only chapter that could have been read, and has been, was that one. As has been said, it was not read to the end, however. Due to a few problems, which shall be discussed later, the chick who was feeding on it was a bit ill:

Chapter 1:​

1. The length: It's not usual for this chick to tell about this but after some more pondering (reading some more experienced writers and hearing their opinion on the matter) it has decided that it could warrant to alert people on it. Alert, not really tell people not to do it, after all, what you do is up to you. But considering even you have thought you wrote a bit TOO much, imagine that your readers are also going to think the same. Two chapters worth of text are worth more than a single extra-long chapter. Why? Because readers will get the sensation that the plot has advanced twice as much instead. Kind of weird, but there is something in that arbitrary division of numbers 1, 2, 3 and so on that gives them a thrill when they begin binge reading. It's just how humans are wired nowadays. You should also figure it out. Half as many words, 3k is great, something about people's attention spam. You can only keep people's attention for so long. A birds', like this one, however, can endure much more punishment. It is said the normal human loses focus after 15 steps. Quite frightening.
2. Repetitive words: "Leaving that aside, I have a rather peculiar situation that requires an urgent response. Anyway, here's the context." While they are not the same word, "Leaving that aside" and "Anyway" both have the same feel about them, and this bird will therefore put it under this category FOR NOW. There is another problem here, namely, the repetition of "Anyway" is kind of empty. Why are you anyway-ing? You are not changing topics abruptly, nor there is reason for reticence, as instead, you are getting specific. This is the perfect example of an extra word you would get rid of if you had reread your chapter and done some edition. Great use of the comma, by the way.
3. Semantics: "There's a game I've been following from its initial announcement until its actual release." So why do you keep talking about the game later with so much passion? You said, "until its actual release". There should have been no more following after it was released. That's how the sentence work. Now this bird is sure of it, did you reread your text?
4. Incongruent Ideas: "I found out after playing the game for a bit that it was a sh*t game." Now you're contradicting yourself. Even harder than before. Not only it continued after release, your narrator goes in total opposition of what they had just said two paragraphs prior. The game was good enough for that, and now, so shit, it is hot garbage. It's not wrong to say the excitement of a release could make games look better than they look, but the words you have used is what is wrong. You have defined the sentiment of your first-person narrator as something, only to not long later they go totally opposite. Your narrator is as inconsistent as a mentally confused person, incapable of being trusted with telling a logical story.

Conclusion:

Let's get real, shall we? Your text could benefit from the edition. There are a lot of extra words that could be removed from the text, and this was just from a rapid glance. A careful reading of the text has found that your narrator is an unreliable storyteller. How so? They cannot decide if they should be liking a game decisively in a paragraph, and then, almost the next one, they are hating the game with their guts.

The story is told not in the present tense, which would allow for such feelings; after all, if this chick is now feeling in love with your writing, 30 minutes from now it could be very sad it even read it. No, it is writing this story from the future, about things that have already happened, and therefore, it should have some certainty about what has happened in the days of yore. This is what past voice has.

Even a first-person narrator, who is uncertain about everything, since they are only a single individual in the universe, many times they are even a character of the story, know of the events of the past; they know of the things that have happened days before and about their feelings, experiences, emotions regarding events certain. More so if these are so important to the tale. UNLESS YOU ARE WRITING PSYCHOLOGICAL. OR MYSTERY. Then you might have a narrator who is uncertain of their own feelings. The second is much less common, however. It is counterproductive most of the time, but it can happen.

Which begs the question, what are you writing? Why are you using an uncertain narrator? You are not writing psychological. Your story is instead characteristic of bad elements that should have been polished during the edition of your text. And for that, you should go back and edit your text. You should see what your narrator is certain of, and make sure they are not so sure of it in the future. You write with absolute certain, they are sure of things in ways that are not in accordance with the text. Following until the launch, but they go beyond the launch, to play the game, to find it is a massive bore.

This is bad narration. Iron out the inconsistencies. Polish out your narrative. Be sure your text does not say something in the beginning, just later to say it is doing exactly the opposite of it.

You have a story here; you have something to tell, but you do not have a clear, objective way of telling it. You really need to iron it out, and for that, you need an editor to do it. Either find someone who will do it, or do the edition yourself. Authors improve much when they edit the text themselves. But if you find someone to do the edition for you, hear them out.

This bird will not do more than this because it is clear that you are suffering from a poorly, hastily written, first edition version of something you wrote. You will get readers, in fact, you have more than this chick has with its own novel, so do not feel discouraged in your endeavours.

Have a good journey, young writer.