[Closed] Free Feedback from the Prince

[Prince_Azmiran_Myrian]

I have a new novel Can you please tell me what you think? Thank you in advance! https://www.scribblehub.com/series/776522/tales-of-the-endless-darkness/

Your story got deleted, so I cannot appraise it properly. Thank you for submitting, sorry I am slow to give feedback.

In other news, I am making progress through my backlog slightly faster than I expected.

 

[RepresentingEnvy]

"I am not a troll!" The salt bucket cried out, but his words fell upon deaf ears. The princess gestured to him and said, "He is something of a local troll here" to the group that entered the bar.
(To be continued)

 

[Prince_Azmiran_Myrian]

Hi! I'm interested in a review! In the thread is fine.
Eccentric Fate | Scribble Hub

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Thank you for submitting to my Quick Timeless Peerless Sect Dragon Judgement

Spoiler: Feedback

I read to the end of Chapter 9 – Surrender
I stopped because I hit my arbitrary self-imposed time limit for reading the rest of my submissions.

Your writing is pretty good, I liked reading it because you make great use of every line written to have something that builds the scene up or provide information.

I would like it if you had more descriptions of characters and scenes themselves though. That's probably your weakest area. But you made good use of the emotion in the early chapters.

I have nothing else I can suggest for improvement, as I think your writing is good.

Now for spiritual appraisal.

I'm not strongly accustomed to these kinds of stories, cultivation, xanxia, etc. But that doesn't mean I don't understand the spiritual beliefs that they are rooted in.
I disagree with Daoism, but think it can be an interesting storytelling tool. However, the ideas inherent with it require caution when consuming.

As for the events of the story itself, I really like that so many characters care about each other rather than being selfish. Of course, that began to change when the villainous bloodthorn sect came into the picture. I would applaud any efforts to defeat these guys, which I guess from the story description is what will happen later. I can get behind that.

Keep up the good work!

Overall, my appraisal of your story is: Questionable
Don't be discouraged.

I pray that the love of Christ is revealed to you, and that you put away your past to embrace the new future that God has in store for you. Amen.

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[Prince_Azmiran_Myrian]

I think I will dip my toes into the water.

If you have time and the mood to read you are welcome to try out my Story.

Ninetails

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Thank you for submitting to my Scaly Furry Feathered Foxy Dragon Judgement

Spoiler: Feedback

I read to the end of Chapter 9
I stopped because I hit my arbitrary deadline for reading the rest of my submissions.

I like that you used the glossary feature, most authors do not. But don't rely too much on people reading it, I have no idea the views they get but probably much less. Good for people to reference rather than searching back in the text.

I saw that English was not your first language.
The first thing I will point out is that you have quite a few spelling mistakes/ typos. Like the names, the spelling isn't consistent. Some words you misuse instead of the correct similarly spelled word (where instead of were, for example). This doesn't bother me much, but it was noticeable and a more strict person might drop after seeing these mistakes repeatedly.
To help with the names, if you are using a windows computer use ctrl+f and it'll pull up a word search. type in the word and it'll highlight every instance of that word. use that to help spell-check specific words [like names].

Other than spelling, sometimes I notice odd/awkward phrasing. I guess the only way to fix this is to get more accustomed to reading good-flowing English. Or perhaps try putting your text into a text-to-speech app and listen to how the machine reads what you wrote. That might also help with spell check as well.

I like how you established a pattern of switching between the POV of Asil and Tallu. Alternating every chapter and keeping that rhythm was good.

I think you do a good job of varying your paragraph lengths and. Dialogue is not bad, maybe could have a few more speaker tags sometimes. There are some instances where you could use more/different punctuation ( , or ' or . ).

It was still readable, but the errors were noticeable.

For the spirit of the story... I feel it is a typical urban fantasy romance. Not a bad thing, I like reading romance sometimes. I think I could also see the tropes you were setting up for use :) at least with Tallu and Asil.
It's cute. There are some things I appreciate and some I don't.

Thank you for taking the time to write and don't feel discouraged, you're doing well.

Overall, my appraisal of your story is: Questionable
I kinda liked reading it.

I pray that you learn of Christ's love for you and God's desire to commune with you, as were our original purpose. Amen.

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[Prince_Azmiran_Myrian]

Would love feedback on my webnovel and the back cover.

Muse of Maven

A muse is the extension of a maven, the embodiment of one's ambition. At least that is what the necromancers of the Feather clan would have everyone believe... Aspect, Legna, Loa, Muse; they go by many names and have many uses. The Lion clan prefers a more honest classification... Slave....

www.scribblehub.com

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Thank you for submitting to my Quick Timely Not Slow Dragon Judgment

Spoiler: Feedback

I read to the end of Chapter 5 – Missy
I stopped because I don't want to read anymore, and I want to move on to the next story.

Your writing isn't too bad, but I had an issue where the dialogue didn't have impact because I didn't understand what the characters were talking about. I think you may need to introduce some world-building stuff a little better. The prologue especially introduced a lot of terms that I was unclear of the meaning.

There was also some points where the characters were doing one thing then were doing or refering to something else without showing me what they were looking at. (I noticed some of this in CH4 and 5)
You could improve your visual/character descriptions a bit. I had to fill in a lot of blanks and it ended up looking like a generic anime in my head. (with floral architecture) Maybe spend some time setting the scene at some points.

I am/was in a bad mood for the past few days and reading your story did not really help that. I really only started warming up to the MC in chapter 5, but I can't help but feel like I dislike most of the characters. I think in every chapter I read I found some event to be upsetting, but I am unsure if this is because of my critical mood or if I just dislike everything that's going on in the story world.

I can sense some potential storytelling morals, but also potential immorals as well. Since I am not going to spend more time reading deeper into them, I can only go with what my gut instinct tells me. At first, it seemed like you were going to go for a very grey moral spectrum where there are no identifiable good guys. But at ch5 I got the first inkling of there being some sort of that. Still unsure since I am stopping there.
I prefer it when a story actually takes a stance against evil rather than portraying everything mucky bad.

Thank you for your patience, I hope my feedback on your early chapters helps you. Please do not be discouraged in your writings, keep on improving!

edit: The cover looks pretty good to me.

Overall, my appraisal of your story is: Intrusive Thoughts
Your MC has those, too

I pray that God reveals His love for you and that you come to know Him personally. Amen.

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[AdOtherwise]

If you see this, if you ever open back up this thread could you let me know? Love getting advice from different peeps.

Here is my story: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/727045/lowly-ascent/

 

[Prince_Azmiran_Myrian]

Hellossu!
Are you still giving feedback?

If so I would like one about my story Infinity Seed | Scribble Hub
I'm new here, so there's only one chapter for now.

Thanks for reading.

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Thank you for submitting to my Never Too Late To Recieve Dragon Judgment

Spoiler: Feedback

I read to the end of the latest chapter 2nd Root: Red Hood & the Wolf

It took me a bit to realize, but you definitely have a writing style, I think. That makes it harder for me to critique, as I am unsure what is a stylistic choice and what is requiring improvement. I wouldn't want to mess that up for you. I like seeing writing that stands out a bit from what I'm used to seeing on SH.

Personally, I am not a fan of written-out sound effects. I prefer the sound to be described, but this is just a personal preference.
Sometimes you describe an object before naming it, but it would be much shorter just to say what it is. Like the telescope in Sowing 2.
Reading your style can feel a bit awkward at times, especially when the sentence structure feels passive instead of active. Can mess up the flow, I think.
'Speaking' of sentence structure, I think you do a good job of varying the lengths of your sentences and paragraphs, Well Done.
Keep the starting word of each sentence in mind, and try not to repeat them too much.

I can't help but notice that the character spoken of in the description/synopsis has not shown up yet. While the ones merely mentioned are the ones in focus from the start. (As far as I can tell) I'm just pointing out that it is not reflecting what I was expecting yet.

Since the story is still warming up It is kinda hard to get a good read of it, So I have to work with what's there and the story description.
From the description and tags, it appears to be a little silly, a little absurd, of course if you are using well-known tales it is kinda necessary to put your own spin on it.
By far the most objectionable thing is the fairy scene in the first prologue. Was not expecting something like that right off the bat.
Other than that, it is hard to get a good grasp of the spirit, which is why it earned the rating it has.

I also noticed you haven't written in a while, I hope you are doing well. If you don't keep writing, how will anybody find your treasure?

Overall, my appraisal of your story is: Questionable

I pray that this review finds you well and that your soul is regenerated by the love of Jesus Christ who died in order that you might have a personal relationship with God eternally. Amen.

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[Prince_Azmiran_Myrian]

Great Melon Eating Prince, All though I don't want to expose myself, Care to give feedback to this one?. Deep Glooms my alt..

My story came to life today

As a miner writer, transmigrating into his own book had been a heavenly blessing for him. Death does not matter as long as i cross over! Seeing, feeling and hearing. Watching the world which has become reality, who knows this world better then i? The misunderstandings i created unfolded, The...

www.scribblehub.com

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Thank you for submitting to my Revealing Spotlight Of Serious Storytelling Dragon Judgment

Spoiler: Feedback

I read to the end of the latest Chapter 7

Ok, I had to read the story twice because the first time I was really confused, mostly in chapters 2-4.
5 was where I started understanding the first round of reading.
I think a big part of this was misunderstanding who was who in the scenes. Originally, I thought that the MC was the father instead of Guan liting.
That and the narrative interruptions really did a number on my understanding what was happening during my first read.
The second read-through made much more sense.

I would suggest listening to a text-to-speech read your work, that can help you find weird-sounding parts.

My biggest issue with your story is that the MC is so happy that they died and doesn't really care about their old life. That is seriously an awful mindset. One shouldn't be so ready to throw their life away. It's one thing to accept it but another to be exceedingly grateful about it.

Other than that, I'm unsure what to say about the story after rereading it. It doesn't stand out to me in either direction yet, although my instinct is leaning in the negative. I am not sure I agree with the MC's way of thinking. Normally, I would not read a BL so there's that as well.

Anyway, don't be too discouraged. The more you write the better you will get. Reading also helps, but I have always preferred watching YouTube videos talking about writing. There is something about actually doing the work of writing/storytelling that is also illuminating.

Overall, my Appraisal of your story is: Questionable
Needs more for a more accurate appraisal.

Maybe This one as well? Its okay if not.

Disfigured

Is abnormality Sickness? or is it a normal that is rejected by the mass majority? A healthy plant will always have smooth leaves since young, and an ugly plant will always have spots even in its seeds. If a black cat has crossed your path, the path is bound to...

www.scribblehub.com

Thank you submitting to my First Double Dragon Judgment

Spoiler: Feedback

I read all three chapters.

This was an interesting short experience. Exploring different perspectives can be revealing, and can lead to new insights.
Thank you for including explanations in the comments, Some of them were necessary to me.

I don't really have any improvements to suggest, as this is non-standard writing/storytelling. I'm not great at poetry. Wish I could be more helpful with this one.

That said, I'm not sure diving into the mind of a person such as this is a healthy thing to do. It would be admirable if they learned how to do good, instead of growing further into whatever issues they have. I mostly mean for you as an author, but it also goes for readers too.

Overall, my Appraisal of your story is: Intrusive Thoughts
Kid has problems.

I pray that you find yourself in the destiny that God has laid out for you, starting with the love of his son Jesus Christ. There is a purpose and way of living that God has designed us for. Amen.

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[Prince_Azmiran_Myrian]

I'd love feedback on my story. But... each of my chapters is 10k so I'm fine with you reading only the first chapter (Not chapter 0 prologue, that one is optional and only 1k words)

Keeper of Totality [Time-Travel LitRPG]

The death of the Hero reset the timeline. That wasn’t what Lucy had intended when she made that last soul attack while dying. But she returned to Earth and tried to do the obvious thing: use her knowledge of the future to dominate the System’s Tower. Except A:...

www.scribblehub.com

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Thank you for submitting to my Ostentatious Unexaggerated Fulfilling Dragon Judgement

Spoiler: Feedback

I read to the end of Chapter 2 (2 of 2) Existential vomiting bug and haunted eyes.
I stopped because that was the end of the tutorial, and it seemed like a good place to stop.

I think your writing is pretty good. On SH the spacing between paragraphs is kinda large, which I know bothers some readers more than others.
I'm having a hard time thinking of improvements you could make to it. You did a great job of character description, like with the abyss monster. And initial scene descriptions... but I feel like after the initial descriptions you usually don't mention them again. Of course, it wouldn't be good to spend too much time on scenes that are not that important. Varying narrative distance I guess?
hmm... maybe incorporating descriptions more in dialogue and action rather than just their own paragraph? You sorta do this with MC's facial expressions, but it could be expanded to more than just that. This is a minor suggestion since I don't think I am conveying it well and I think your writing is still decent without it. And again, I wouldn't want you putting in too much time into something that doesn't need such a level of detail, but for scenes that are supposed to be more impactful.
Perhaps you could try using more of the five senses. Yes, maybe that's where you should focus on improving.

I liked your strategic use of POV change, like with the demon she was fighting. I think there is potential for that sort of thing, even if some people get annoyed at POV changes.

Okay, so now I'm going to look at the spirit of your story. First, It's a villain story, so I don't expect positive morals or teachings to flow from it. It's possible there might be a major change of heart later, but I saw none of that with such a small portion of the story that I read, so I won't hold my breath. There seems to be a lot of focus on deceit, which I think is very fitting for a villain, I see deception as the main tool of evil. The MC herself, I don't really like her, I'm sure plenty of people do but I'm not one of them. That said, I do enjoy seeing conmen get conned every once in a while, so she gets a thumbs-up for that.

well I guess looking at the story tags again, she is an antihero, which wasn't the impression I got when she is trying to defeat the hero. (That's something villains are known for doing) Eh, I'm less of a fan of antiheroes than I am of just straight-up villains.

Regardless of whatever rating I gave you, I don't think your story is horrible, I'm just not sensing the moral uprightness from the little that I have read.
I hope my feedback was helpful to you as an author in some ways, maybe if we continue the discussion I might be able to clarify my suggestions.

Overall, my appraisal of your story is: Toxic
This is more my prediction, than what I read so far.

I pray you learn the love of God and the meaning of Jesus on the cross. Amen.

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[TsumiHokiro]

It's alive! The dragon still reviews!

 

[Prince_Azmiran_Myrian]

Here's mine! Would love your feedback on Jade Edge

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Thank you for submitting to my Intuitive Understanding OverInflated Dragon Judgment

Spoiler: Feedback

I read to the end of Chapter 6: Emma, The Roommate
I stopped because I don't want to read anymore. My tolerance has been deleted by this thread but I want to at least do everyone who submitted.

My impression so far is that this is a typical kind of story, that's not a bad thing. It seems like the two isekai'd characters are going to be enemies and main conflict, at least to begin with. Later the forces that transported them might come into play. It seems like there are going to be a lot of cliches, not bad.

I like the pictures that you include in each chapter, helps me visualize the characters much easier.

Your writing isn't awful, but it's not great.
Sometimes it gets a little too repetitious or monotonous. awkward/clunky sentences.
When you gloss over an event or discussion make sure the narration isn't too vague, keep it meaningful.
I think there are points where you have too many paragraph breaks, some of them could/should be combined.

Try using action tags to break up the talking head syndrome and move the scene along at the same time. Try to accomplish multiple things at a time within a scene. I mean to manage the reading time efficiently. While I was reading, I felt like more should be happening for how much time I spent. You don't necessarily have to fill this time with story-critical elements, but incorporate descriptions, body language, mannerisms, or idle business. Stuff that helps us see what a character is like beyond what they say. little things. Using more of the five senses could help as well.

One thing I don't like is the whole amnesia trope, I feel like it bogs down the story more than anything. The beginning of the story is where you keep or lose the readers. Confusion and amnesia can be useful for introducing readers to a new world that operates substantially differently because it's the interesting world that carries the reader through this hard bit, but the way you use it is more like a restriction on the MC. I'm not interested in the mystery of who she is, since we already have a good hint. The only mystery is why she is this way, and that seems like a long way off from being answered. But I am not hooked. There are not enough questions that I care about. I do wonder what male MC is planning, whether he's good or bad. There needs to be more I'm wondering about.

The character introductions do not give me a good enough sense of what kind of person they are. As a reader, I need to know this if I am to care about them. What do the characters value? Male MC is better with this since he is not focused on amnesia.
Side note: Another good way to use amnesia is to do it to a character that is already well-established to the reader. I know we got a prologue, but I don't think it was good. Story might be better without the prologue.

On the spiritual side, I don't know what to think. I am unsure what ideas or philosophical questions are being posed by the story. Either that or they are bland to me. It may be too early to tell.

Of course, what do I know? I'm just a dragon who doesn't like reading. This story may not be for me, because I feel like I've read some like it several times in the past. This one just doesn't interest me.

If this is your first story, which I think it is, finish it before you seek more feedback on it. What I really want you to avoid is going back and rewriting what you already have finished. I made a similar mistake and stopped writing mine altogether. I think a young inexperienced reader would appreciate it more than I would. I read amateurish stuff when I was younger, this story reminds me of that. Although those were webcomics rather than webnovels.

Overall, my appraisal of your story is: Questionable
For what little I read, it seems like a typical story

I pray that all confusion in your life is made clear. May the truth of Jesus set you straight on the right path. Amen.

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[RepresentingEnvy]

Bump from the first story poster in this thread.

 

[Prince_Azmiran_Myrian]

Bump from the first story poster in this thread.

You never did finish that joke.

 

[RepresentingEnvy]

You never did finish that joke.

It had no ending in sight, and I got bored when you stopped reviewing. Teehee? The joke was motivation.

 

[Detective_Quack]

ew a puppet.

@TheMonotonePuppet what did you do to him??!!!

 

[Prince_Azmiran_Myrian]

@TheMonotonePuppet what did you do to him??!!!

Nunya

 

[TsumiHokiro]

For a second there I thought I was about to say it again...

But it's mostly people spamming an almost dead thread.

The review was buried in the comments... so sad...

 

[PBJ_Time]

Is this thread open again? I'm seeing you giving newer feedback.

 

[Prince_Azmiran_Myrian]

Is this thread open again? I'm seeing you giving newer feedback.

Not really, I'm trying to finish people's submissions.

 

[PBJ_Time]

Not really, I'm trying to finish people's submissions.

So it's closed, then. Oh, well. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯