Prince_Azmiran_Myrian
🐉Burns you with his Love🐉
- Joined
- Aug 23, 2022
- Messages
- 1,987
- Points
- 128
You can judge my story. It's a little slow at the start but it will start to progress forward more from chapter 18 or 20.
View attachment 18836
“Chosen by the Elements”
In a parallel universe where magic is not just a thing of legends, Alex, a young student struggling with his mundane life, embarks on an extraordinary adventure. After enduring endless taunts and disappointment, Alex's life takes an unexpected turn when he stumbles upon an ancient ring left...www.scribblehub.com
“Chosen by the Elements”
Synopsis:
In a parallel universe where magic is not just a thing of legends, Alex, a young student struggling with his mundane life, embarks on an extraordinary adventure.
After enduring endless taunts and disappointment, Alex's life takes an unexpected turn when he stumbles upon an ancient ring left behind by the late Mr. Johnson, the school's enigmatic security guard. Little does he know that this seemingly ordinary ring holds the key to unlocking a world where magic reigns supreme.
As Alex puts on the ring, he is transported to a parallel universe, a realm pulsating with raw magical energy and inhabited by mystical beings. Here, he discovers that he possesses an innate connection to the elements, he sets off on a captivating journey.
Join Alex as he explores enchanting landscapes, encounters mythical creatures, and delves deeper into the mysteries of this magical realm.
As he interacts with fellow magic users and faces formidable challenges, Alex's journey becomes a transformative experience, pushing him beyond his limits and unlocking his true potential.
Thank you for submitting to my Magical Holy Unicorn Rarity Dragon Judgement
I read to the end of “Interlude – Whispers of the Wise: An Old Man’s Imagination”
I stopped because I want to read something else, preferably the next request that has been patiently waiting on me.
Thank you for your patience as well.
I like the cover art. The text on it could be better however.
I prefer the way you transport to the other world. So many stories have the MC die in order to get to the next life, but your version is much more gentle and less intrinsically saddening. It is still obviously an appeal to escapism, but I don't blame you for writing that. A lot of people crave escapism.
Everything appears to be about empowering and glorifying MC after this point. This isn't a bad thing, but it's also not that interesting to read, at least for me.The big issue is the lack of tension in your writing. I'm not skilled enough to explain but i know there are some youtube videos that discuss tension and suspense (they are different).
Your writing comes off to me as amateurish, I say this because it reminds me of the way I used to write when I was a teen and wanted everything to sound deep and meaningful. I think you fall into that same error. When every little event and accomplishment is groundbreaking and impactful, none of them feel that way to the reader. Stop overstating every development as important.
In your writing i noticed you sometimes get repetitive with a phrase between paragraphs.
I think the best aspect of your writing was your scene descriptions. I enjoyed reading those and imagining them in my own head. Definitely your stronger suit.
You could improve on your character descriptions a bit.
In the early chapters there were a couple of instances where MC stops to rest but moves on without anything happening. To fix this, you could move your scene descriptions to be witnessed while he is resting. Otherwise, I don't understand why you wrote the break in the first place. Use your text time wisely, sometimes things can be improved by just moving some things around or adding/removing stuff.
Once MC reaches the top of mountain to the temple there's a handful of chapters of what felt like mostly info dumping. This was the most boring chapters that i read, and there are several back to back. I sorta liked the apostles, but i think there was a better way of handling this.
I got interested once again at chapter 9, where you go back to describing scenes that your synopsis promised. Even the way you write his expanding comprehension here is not bad.
The way you write about the elements and their interconnectedness reminds me of a visual novel type game i loved called Golden Treasure: The Great Green. Great immersion and it just has that spark of magic in it. So I say that's a good direction there.
I don't want to discourage you and your efforts. The power of storyteller is not easy to wield. But once you start thats when you begin improving. It takes time, but you'll never improve if you don't try.
At the risk of sounding rude, i want to share an idea on how to approach the story differently. Feel free to ignore the idea if it doesn't fit with what you were going for. Or for any reason.
Honestly think this channel has a lot of useful videos on writing.
I stopped because I want to read something else, preferably the next request that has been patiently waiting on me.
Thank you for your patience as well.
I like the cover art. The text on it could be better however.
I prefer the way you transport to the other world. So many stories have the MC die in order to get to the next life, but your version is much more gentle and less intrinsically saddening. It is still obviously an appeal to escapism, but I don't blame you for writing that. A lot of people crave escapism.
Everything appears to be about empowering and glorifying MC after this point. This isn't a bad thing, but it's also not that interesting to read, at least for me.The big issue is the lack of tension in your writing. I'm not skilled enough to explain but i know there are some youtube videos that discuss tension and suspense (they are different).
Your writing comes off to me as amateurish, I say this because it reminds me of the way I used to write when I was a teen and wanted everything to sound deep and meaningful. I think you fall into that same error. When every little event and accomplishment is groundbreaking and impactful, none of them feel that way to the reader. Stop overstating every development as important.
In your writing i noticed you sometimes get repetitive with a phrase between paragraphs.
I think the best aspect of your writing was your scene descriptions. I enjoyed reading those and imagining them in my own head. Definitely your stronger suit.
You could improve on your character descriptions a bit.
In the early chapters there were a couple of instances where MC stops to rest but moves on without anything happening. To fix this, you could move your scene descriptions to be witnessed while he is resting. Otherwise, I don't understand why you wrote the break in the first place. Use your text time wisely, sometimes things can be improved by just moving some things around or adding/removing stuff.
Once MC reaches the top of mountain to the temple there's a handful of chapters of what felt like mostly info dumping. This was the most boring chapters that i read, and there are several back to back. I sorta liked the apostles, but i think there was a better way of handling this.
I got interested once again at chapter 9, where you go back to describing scenes that your synopsis promised. Even the way you write his expanding comprehension here is not bad.
The way you write about the elements and their interconnectedness reminds me of a visual novel type game i loved called Golden Treasure: The Great Green. Great immersion and it just has that spark of magic in it. So I say that's a good direction there.
I don't want to discourage you and your efforts. The power of storyteller is not easy to wield. But once you start thats when you begin improving. It takes time, but you'll never improve if you don't try.
At the risk of sounding rude, i want to share an idea on how to approach the story differently. Feel free to ignore the idea if it doesn't fit with what you were going for. Or for any reason.
Several ideas here, hopefully i can present them reasonably.
1st: instead of having MC meet all the apostles in person at the same time, have them communicate to him through his magic ring. Perhaps in his dreams. They could assist him through it as well by transporting him to the realm he needs to go to.
Have him meet the apostles one by one as he reaches comprehension of each respective element (via ring power). This would give you plenty of time to have them interact personally and perhaps help his understanding of the elements.
Later on, once each apostle has helped him with their element, MC could finally be brought to the magic elemental realm to meet them all in person and perhaps do a final important task.
2nd: instead of being trained by the apostles, have mr. Johnson be the one who preps him for the task ahead in the time they know each other. The first Mentor, if you will.
This would give that character more utility and you could use it to explain why MC is an outcast. (Because he believes in the wierd magic practices that don't work in our world.)
You don't even have to show all the basic training or explaining in the beginning. Just sprinkle some flashbacks periodically that show security guard explaining or training MC in basics. (When appropriate time comes)
....
I realize I'm asking you to rewrite, which is the bane of any writer's existance.
I think that if you did both of those things you wouldn't need to spend so many chapters info dumping and could get into the story much faster. And you could still explain how he knows what to do by johnson's preparations. Spread out your worldbuilding, readers don't absolutely need to know it all in the beginning. You could retain some mystery to the readers as well, enhance the feeling of discovery.
1st: instead of having MC meet all the apostles in person at the same time, have them communicate to him through his magic ring. Perhaps in his dreams. They could assist him through it as well by transporting him to the realm he needs to go to.
Have him meet the apostles one by one as he reaches comprehension of each respective element (via ring power). This would give you plenty of time to have them interact personally and perhaps help his understanding of the elements.
Later on, once each apostle has helped him with their element, MC could finally be brought to the magic elemental realm to meet them all in person and perhaps do a final important task.
2nd: instead of being trained by the apostles, have mr. Johnson be the one who preps him for the task ahead in the time they know each other. The first Mentor, if you will.
This would give that character more utility and you could use it to explain why MC is an outcast. (Because he believes in the wierd magic practices that don't work in our world.)
You don't even have to show all the basic training or explaining in the beginning. Just sprinkle some flashbacks periodically that show security guard explaining or training MC in basics. (When appropriate time comes)
....
I realize I'm asking you to rewrite, which is the bane of any writer's existance.
I think that if you did both of those things you wouldn't need to spend so many chapters info dumping and could get into the story much faster. And you could still explain how he knows what to do by johnson's preparations. Spread out your worldbuilding, readers don't absolutely need to know it all in the beginning. You could retain some mystery to the readers as well, enhance the feeling of discovery.
Honestly think this channel has a lot of useful videos on writing.
It needs some work, but don't be discouraged.
I pray that the Love of Christ gives renewed purpose to your life through gratefulness. Amen.
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