In a dying universe a planet stands alone In The End heroes are born and forged, in The End heroes perish and suffer on his hands In the darkness the fires of hope will set us free This is the story of how three friends fought aggainst the evil in...
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I am in great need of any criticism (dont mind if its harsh or rough, unless it makes no sense and is injustified)
You dont really need to read it to give your thoughts, any kind (may it be tips in writting or wharever) is good
I like it. You have a unique writing style it's kinda like a script but I don't think that's bad however some people may not be able to get into it due to that so I want you to be aware.
The only thing I think is needed is some exposition from what I understand this takes place in a fantasy world of swords and magic so there are classes and whatnot. This is cool but I'm interested in how the power system works I'm assuming you're doing a "show the characters use powers then explain how they work as the series goes on" type of thing? Then that's fine since there are only seven chapters. currently.
I like it. You have a unique writing style it's kinda like a script but I don't think that's bad however some people may not be able to get into it due to that so I want you to be aware.
The only thing I think is needed is some exposition from what I understand this takes place in a fantasy world of swords and magic so there are classes and whatnot. This is cool but I'm interested in how the power system works I'm assuming you're doing a "show the characters use powers then explain how they work as the series goes on" type of thing? Then that's fine since there are only seven chapters. currently.
There are more chapters on wattpad (With plus drawings) they are much far ahead
The power system ill explain as the story progress, thank you nonetheless for the feedback on my writting
I apreciate your words and hope you enjoy it in the long run
It doesn't really feel like a book. The reason I say this is that the majority of actions, or anything that isn't dialogue, seems to be done inside asterisks. ( these *). It feels more like it's something that belongs in a visual novel or a game cutscene.
If this is due to a conscious choice on your part, ignore this suggestion, but if it's due to inexperience, I would suggest putting almost everything currently in asterisks as a new paragraph, along with whatever minor adjustments are needed to make sense. For example:
(??)-"Poor Gayoul... so determined, so pathetic, so weak, soo..." *grabs his arm* "fragile..." *shaters the bones of his right arm* "atleast you tried Gayoul..."
Would become:
"Poor Gayoul... so determined, so pathetic, so weak, so..."
It grabs Gayoul's arm.
"Fragile..."
Then shatters it.
You'll probably also find it easier to include more description this way, as well.
The only other thing I'll say, is that its definitely worth it for you to go back and do spellchecks. I find bad spelling to be very offputting. To point out a few from ch.1:
soo -> so (although this one might be deliberate.)
shaters -> shatters
atleast -> at least
youre -> you're
dint -> didn't
It doesn't really feel like a book. The reason I say this is that the majority of actions, or anything that isn't dialogue, seems to be done inside asterisks. ( these *). It feels more like it's something that belongs in a visual novel or a game cutscene.
If this is due to a conscious choice on your part, ignore this suggestion, but if it's due to inexperience, I would suggest putting almost everything currently in asterisks as a new paragraph, along with whatever minor adjustments are needed to make sense. For example:
(??)-"Poor Gayoul... so determined, so pathetic, so weak, soo..." *grabs his arm* "fragile..." *shaters the bones of his right arm* "atleast you tried Gayoul..."
Would become:
"Poor Gayoul... so determined, so pathetic, so weak, so..."
It grabs Gayoul's arm.
"Fragile..."
Then shatters it.
You'll probably also find it easier to include more description this way, as well.
The only other thing I'll say, is that its definitely worth it for you to go back and do spellchecks. I find bad spelling to be very offputting. To point out a few from ch.1:
soo -> so (although this one might be deliberate.)
shaters -> shatters
atleast -> at least
youre -> you're
dint -> didn't
This is something i need to check (mostly cause the first 8 chapters were done 1 year ago before i posted then) some of those mistakes are more of my lack of understanding in english, its not my first language
I am more than thankfull to you for pointing out those mistakes
As of the writting with the game like/visual novel feel is because i want to make it into a animation or HQ/comic
There are more chapters on wattpad (With plus drawings) they are much far ahead
The power system ill explain as the story progress, thank you nonetheless for the feedback on my writting
I apreciate your words and hope you enjoy it in the long run
