[BL] Feedback Swap (Sypnosis + First Chapter)

xiaomangisbusy · Apr 14, 2021

I know it can be hard to get a BL novel up and running.

This post is so that people are aware that the novels they will be giving feedback on here can be BL and for other BL writers who have a hard time getting feedback. Non-BL Authors are also welcome to give feedback in return for feedback on their non-BL works as long as they don't mind reading BL.

Let's read the sypnosis and first chapter of each other's stories and swap feedback (or you can just give feedback if you are a reader/artist).

Suggested Feedback Request Format:
1. Title with link
2. General BL Genre (Xianxia, Modern, E-sports, Apocalypse, Omegaverse, Western Fantasy, Historical, Sci-fi, etc) *You can choose a few if they all apply, but do specify if it's a non-BL novel.
3. Whether or not your first chapter has mature content (gore, sexual content, strong language) so people are aware and can choose to read what they are comfortable with.
4. Two sentences max on what kind of feedback you're looking for (Optional).

Suggested Feedback Response Format: THE SANDWICH METHOD (We tryna build each other up here, not tear each other down).
Positive + Negative + Positive

Be kind and mindful with critique.
Make sure to reciprocate feedback if you can!
Please do not 1-star rate novels without reading it first and giving a proper explanation why. Everyone has to start from somewhere. Just don't read it if the genre is not your preference. Only spread love and peace ya'll.

Here's mine!
1. How to Raise a White-eyed Wolf
2. Xianxia
3. Sparse strong language in Chapter 1.
4. Sometimes I get wordy/longwinded in my writing so I'd like feedback on: (1) whether or not readers feel the same way and (2) if they find the plot interesting.

BubbleC · Apr 15, 2021

First off, I just want to say that I love the idea of a feedback swap! I'm just a reader, so I don't have any works to trade, but I'll gladly give feedback.
(ﾉ´ヮ´)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

To start, your novel, Xiao Mang, is great!

I rarely make it through most first chapters due to my non-existent attention span, but yours reeled me in from the get-go. I think it accomplishes everything a first chapter needs to do: introduce the protagonist, plot, and tone. Personally, I didn't find it hard to read or noticeably long-winded. The chapter never became boring for me, so I'd say you've done a great job.

If you want more specific feedback, just click the spoilers below. Beware, they're long.

When it comes to the plot, I can't say there's anything that stands out to me because it's great!

The characterization of Xiao Huan as a lonely, stressed-out guy was really well-done, and the introduction of Transcending Heaven's plot was well-done too. I find myself invested in finding out what Bai Yiyan is like, and learning more about Xiao Huan and how he'll grow over the story. The two high schoolers blatantly providing exposition at the beginning was kind of funny to me too (I liked it though, so keep it plz lol).

Overall, the story is interesting and written interestingly, so no qualms here. I really wish there were 50 chapters out so I could binge-read them right now lol.

Overall, there are no major grammatical or mechanical errors that catch my eye.

However, I can see why you consider your writing wordy. I'm not a writer, so take my advice with a grain of salt, but there are some sentences with unnecessary details. This is a bit of a nitpicky example, but when you write:

Xiao Huan had moved into the unit right after getting hired at his job.

The "at his job" is redundant and can be deleted. You may notice if you carefully comb through your writing that there are more redundant propositions and details.

Another really, really minor nitpick is with your synopsis:

Xiao Huan's favorite character, Bai Yiyan, had sacrificed himself to defeat the final villain while the hero Wang Lingxiao claimed all the credit and went on to live happily with the heroine.

In my opinion, you should delete "Wang Lingxiao" after hero as it provides unnecessary details. Unless Wang Lingxiao becomes love interest #2 later on, you should refrain from name-dropping characters that aren't your protagonists. Synopses are meant to be vague and keep the reader's focus on the protagonist and the silhouette of the story. Since we'll learn that Wang Lingxiao is the hero in the first chapter, it's not necessary to mention him in the synopsis. Again, minor nitpick because everything else is so good lol

When it comes to grammar and mechanics, you have basically no errors besides some typos and comma errors (that are practically unnoticeable). For example:

She squealed and smacked her friend's back causing him cough mid-bite and almost drop one of his skewers.

Should be:

She squealed and smacked her friend's back causing him to cough mid-bite and almost drop one of his skewers.

But these are very minor and can easily be fixed if you use a grammar app like Grammarly or Microsoft Word's editor to scan your writing. Using text-to-speech or reading your writing out loud could also help you catch these tiny hiccups.

Overall, I'd give your first chapter 5-stars. Great writing, great premise, great characterization, great potential--definitely going in my reading list. I've gotten invested in this novel just as Xiao Huan was with Transcending Heavens. I hope you continue writing, Xiao Mang. Keep up the great work!

From,
Your new reader lol

xiaomangisbusy · Apr 15, 2021

BubbleC said:
First off, I just want to say that I love the idea of a feedback swap! I'm just a reader, so I don't have any works to trade, but I'll gladly give feedback.
(ﾉ´ヮ´)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

To start, your novel, Xiao Mang, is great!

I rarely make it through most first chapters due to my non-existent attention span, but yours reeled me in from the get-go. I think it accomplishes everything a first chapter needs to do: introduce the protagonist, plot, and tone. Personally, I didn't find it hard to read or noticeably long-winded. The chapter never became boring for me, so I'd say you've done a great job.

If you want more specific feedback, just click the spoilers below. Beware, they're long.

When it comes to the plot, I can't say there's anything that stands out to me because it's great!

The characterization of Xiao Huan as a lonely, stressed-out guy was really well-done, and the introduction of Transcending Heaven's plot was well-done too. I find myself invested in finding out what Bai Yiyan is like, and learning more about Xiao Huan and how he'll grow over the story. The two high schoolers blatantly providing exposition at the beginning was kind of funny to me too (I liked it though, so keep it plz lol).

Overall, the story is interesting and written interestingly, so no qualms here. I really wish there were 50 chapters out so I could binge-read them right now lol.

Overall, there are no major grammatical or mechanical errors that catch my eye.

However, I can see why you consider your writing wordy. I'm not a writer, so take my advice with a grain of salt, but there are some sentences with unnecessary details. This is a bit of a nitpicky example, but when you write:

The "at his job" is redundant and can be deleted. You may notice if you carefully comb through your writing that there are more redundant propositions and details.

Another really, really minor nitpick is with your synopsis:

In my opinion, you should delete "Wang Lingxiao" after hero as it provides unnecessary details. Unless Wang Lingxiao becomes love interest #2 later on, you should refrain from name-dropping characters that aren't your protagonists. Synopses are meant to be vague and keep the reader's focus on the protagonist and the silhouette of the story. Since we'll learn that Wang Lingxiao is the hero in the first chapter, it's not necessary to mention him in the synopsis. Again, minor nitpick because everything else is so good lol

When it comes to grammar and mechanics, you have basically no errors besides some typos and comma errors (that are practically unnoticeable). For example:

Should be:

But these are very minor and can easily be fixed if you use a grammar app like Grammarly or Microsoft Word's editor to scan your writing. Using text-to-speech or reading your writing out loud could also help you catch these tiny hiccups.

Overall, I'd give your first chapter 5-stars. Great writing, great premise, great characterization, great potential--definitely going in my reading list. I've gotten invested in this novel just as Xiao Huan was with Transcending Heavens. I hope you continue writing, Xiao Mang. Keep up the great work!

From,
Your new reader lol

Thank you! I wasn't expecting such a detailed analysis haha. I really appreciate that you took the time to read my work so carefully and give me examples. So helpful! :)
I hope that the future chapter releases will be up to your expectations haha

BubbleC · Apr 15, 2021

xiaomangisbusy said:
Thank you! I wasn't expecting such a detailed analysis haha. I really appreciate that you took the time to read my work so carefully and give me examples. So helpful! :)
I hope that the future chapter releases will be up to your expectations haha

Don't feel pressured! I just tend to write too much when reviewing; I don't know when to hold back lol. I'm glad you found it helpful.

Ruyi · Apr 15, 2021

i'm here i'm here~

i've already commented on Xiaomang's chapters but i'm happy to rant about her story at length again haha.

general impressions below:

first off, i've read my fair share of xianxia novels (raws and translations) and played games about them too since it's one of my favorite genres. i'd like to say i recognize its usual flairs and tropes. how to raise a white-eyed wolf is definitely one of the most genuine experiences i've had the pleasure of enjoying in the english-speaking originals of xianxia BL, because it just gets things right. honestly, the chinese cover and setting was convincing enough in c1 to make me believe i was reading a translation, not a purely english work. you could throw it into the annals of jjwxc easy and no one would bat an eye.

i'd say part of that stems from the fact that the tone and phrasing have a bit of chinese flair to them, especially in the descriptions of modern street food culture and the background story of the novel characters. transmigration novels like these inevitably have info-dump in the first chapter or two, but it's fleshed out in an interesting way that gives personalities to the characters at play. i'm already rooting for the poor sacrifice bai yiyan and mildly resenting the hero and heroine with our MC by the time he crosses over, which is a good thing!

regarding the plot:

it's standard but that's why i like it. i crave the dude-transmigrating-into-secluded-master-away-from-the-world-who's-kinda-powerful and i live for master-disciple relationships. is it weird to say this fits the parameters of my wish-fulfillment novel all too well? it's like...hey, i wish i wrote this myself XD

i like the author's take of the usual "MC finishes a book before he dies in an accident and transmigrates into it" because we take just enough time to get a sense of the MC's personality before he crosses over. we get an insight into his loneliness and his pain, which makes him relatable, but then we have the delicious foreshadowing with the osmanthus wine and whatnot that makes me wonder if there's a bigger story behind the scenes. it's a good sense of scope in the first chapter to prime readers for potential plot twists later and expands the world to more than just "lolz we novel side character now."

yes it's a cliched setup but when written well has the magic combo of "fresh and yet familiar." reading white-eyed wolf basically felt like coming home in a way.

p.s. i love the theater bits, XD

regarding verbosity:

i get what you mean about wordiness because i suffer from the same habits. things like "looking frumpy and exhausted, but relieved," "strolled at a leisurely speed" and basically patterns of adjective1 + adjective2 + noun are my standbys in writing cough.

honestly i think as long as you maintain the present cadence you have now it'll be wordy but not overwhelming. if you can manipulate the rhythm by choosing certain words and sounds it'll even end up poetic.

i think clarity is still most important and you seem to be handling that well so far. i would say things get a little murkier when you have to churn out large amounts of backstory in a short time, this passage stands out in particular:

Bai Yiyan had ended up suddenly sacrificing his hun in place of Wang Lingxiao, allowing them to seamlessly overpower and defeat the final villain. With their newly gained momentum, Wang Lingxiao and his cousin slaughtered their way to Yin City's now unguarded crystal core leaving Bai Yiyan's body to be devoured by the remnant demonic miasma.

After acquiring the core, instead of destroying it, Wang Lingxiao utilized the crystal core's power to break through to the immortal realm. The sheer amount of raw spiritual energy of the core also allowed Yue Xunyi, his cultivation partner, to enter the immortal realm shortly after.

again, clarity and words are fine, it's just the long sentences force the reader to keep their attention until the very end, which can be harder if you have multiple things going on at once (WLX + cousin slaughters, a crystal core, BYY's body getting devoured).

another place where i suddenly got lost was:

At only seventeen years old, his appearance caused a violent dispute between the prominent daughters of two neighboring sect leaders which prompted his father to send him away to the isolated and politically neutral Qingshan sect in the east under the guise of expanding his studies.

because we have 4 people (BYY, dad, 2 daughters), 2.5 locations (neighboring sects, Qingshan sect), and a major conflict + solution (marriage and how to avoid it) all being crammed into one sentence. it's understandable though--you need to bring readers up to speed with canon before throwing them and the MC into the plot proper.

there's also the usual curse of multiple names being thrown out at once. i totally lost myself between:

At the end of chapter 787, Wang Lingxiao was stuck in a deadlock with the final villain in Yin City. His comrades Yue Xunyi, his cousin Wang Jinghao, and close comrade Bai Yiyan were also...

and had to reread to make sure i didn't mix up the cousin and the friend and girlfriend. but hey, first chapter woes~

TL;DR i think your verbosity is fine. so is your word choice, not too simple nor obscure/obtuse. sometimes sentences drag on longer than they need to but it's very minor and only induces a reread or two for readers like me to get the point.

hope my ramblings made sense! with that said *tosses her xianxia into the review pile*

cultivation retirement plan
xianxia
death/suicide by drowning
does the MC follow logical thought patterns according to his (depressed/apathetic) state of mind? is the shift in POVs clear by the last third of the chaper? and...i guess if there are any confusing parts in the text hehe

woohoo thanks!

xiaomangisbusy · Apr 15, 2021

Ruyi said:
i'm here i'm here~

i've already commented on Xiaomang's chapters but i'm happy to rant about her story at length again haha.

general impressions below:

first off, i've read my fair share of xianxia novels (raws and translations) and played games about them too since it's one of my favorite genres. i'd like to say i recognize its usual flairs and tropes. how to raise a white-eyed wolf is definitely one of the most genuine experiences i've had the pleasure of enjoying in the english-speaking originals of xianxia BL, because it just gets things right. honestly, the chinese cover and setting was convincing enough in c1 to make me believe i was reading a translation, not a purely english work. you could throw it into the annals of jjwxc easy and no one would bat an eye.

i'd say part of that stems from the fact that the tone and phrasing have a bit of chinese flair to them, especially in the descriptions of modern street food culture and the background story of the novel characters. transmigration novels like these inevitably have info-dump in the first chapter or two, but it's fleshed out in an interesting way that gives personalities to the characters at play. i'm already rooting for the poor sacrifice bai yiyan and mildly resenting the hero and heroine with our MC by the time he crosses over, which is a good thing!

regarding the plot:

it's standard but that's why i like it. i crave the dude-transmigrating-into-secluded-master-away-from-the-world-who's-kinda-powerful and i live for master-disciple relationships. is it weird to say this fits the parameters of my wish-fulfillment novel all too well? it's like...hey, i wish i wrote this myself XD

i like the author's take of the usual "MC finishes a book before he dies in an accident and transmigrates into it" because we take just enough time to get a sense of the MC's personality before he crosses over. we get an insight into his loneliness and his pain, which makes him relatable, but then we have the delicious foreshadowing with the osmanthus wine and whatnot that makes me wonder if there's a bigger story behind the scenes. it's a good sense of scope in the first chapter to prime readers for potential plot twists later and expands the world to more than just "lolz we novel side character now."

yes it's a cliched setup but when written well has the magic combo of "fresh and yet familiar." reading white-eyed wolf basically felt like coming home in a way.

p.s. i love the theater bits, XD

regarding verbosity:

i get what you mean about wordiness because i suffer from the same habits. things like "looking frumpy and exhausted, but relieved," "strolled at a leisurely speed" and basically patterns of adjective1 + adjective2 + noun are my standbys in writing cough.

honestly i think as long as you maintain the present cadence you have now it'll be wordy but not overwhelming. if you can manipulate the rhythm by choosing certain words and sounds it'll even end up poetic.

i think clarity is still most important and you seem to be handling that well so far. i would say things get a little murkier when you have to churn out large amounts of backstory in a short time, this passage stands out in particular:

again, clarity and words are fine, it's just the long sentences force the reader to keep their attention until the very end, which can be harder if you have multiple things going on at once (WLX + cousin slaughters, a crystal core, BYY's body getting devoured).

another place where i suddenly got lost was:

because we have 4 people (BYY, dad, 2 daughters), 2.5 locations (neighboring sects, Qingshan sect), and a major conflict + solution (marriage and how to avoid it) all being crammed into one sentence. it's understandable though--you need to bring readers up to speed with canon before throwing them and the MC into the plot proper.

there's also the usual curse of multiple names being thrown out at once. i totally lost myself between:

and had to reread to make sure i didn't mix up the cousin and the friend and girlfriend. but hey, first chapter woes~

TL;DR i think your verbosity is fine. so is your word choice, not too simple nor obscure/obtuse. sometimes sentences drag on longer than they need to but it's very minor and only induces a reread or two for readers like me to get the point.

hope my ramblings made sense! with that said *tosses her xianxia into the review pile*

cultivation retirement plan

xianxia

death/suicide by drowning

does the MC follow logical thought patterns according to his (depressed/apathetic) state of mind? is the shift in POVs clear by the last third of the chaper? and...i guess if there are any confusing parts in the text hehe

woohoo thanks!

Hullo~ Thank you for the review! Here's mine for yours.

First of all, I wanna say, I got mad respect for you for publishing 30+ chapters and releasing them so consistently.

Sypnosis Comments

I like that you have a proper Chinese title for a xianxia genre novel~

The first time Mo Yixuan dies, he drowns in the sea. The second time Mo Yixuan tries, he jumps off a cliff. The third time...

I like this hook sentence, although as a stylistic choice you could probably take out the second Mo Yixuan for its redundancy.

I like the organization of the last few sentences. Fluid and catchy. Also to the point and gives the potential reader a teaser of the relationship dynamics between the three.

Chapter 1 Comments:

As someone who good imagery, I really like that I can visualize what is happening like a movie in my mind just from reading your sentences.

He fought back with everything he had—first face-to-face, then in the courts. But everything he used was turned against him, and everyone he trusted turned out to be a ruse, a trick—a farce of a play by Shangguan Yin (上官隱) to toy with him. When nothing worked, Mo Yixuan (陌逸軒) went into hiding, but even there his rival sought him out and pursued him relentlessly. He didn’t just want Mo Yixuan to lose, but to despair.

For the Chinese characters, might I suggest putting them as a footnote next to the name instead of in parentheses? So readers can choose to see it or not if they're interested. I think the reading experience may be smoother that way, especially for people who can't read Chinese.

Also is "cultivation insanity" the equivalent of qi deviation? (Not a feedback comment, just a passing curiosity lol)

Mo Yixuan paused at the entrance to the crystal cave to take in the sight before him. He was standing atop a mountain overlooking a gorgeous gorge below. Lush forest and plains spread out before his eyes, while a sparkling blue river wound lazily between them both. The skies were a bright, radiant blue dotted with fluffy white clouds. A school of cranes flew past as he stared, followed by a few humans—cultivators riding on their swords. The surrounding mountain ranges were dotted with buildings of the sect, and he could spot more figures dressed in white walking, talking, or training amongst them.

Really liked this part. I can imagine the great view he had.

Mo Yixuan knitted his brows as he tried to break free of the fingers gripping his robe. What are this kid’s hands made out of? Steel?

This last sentence is nice. It helps give some variance (some ups and downs, emotional break) in chapter flow and keeps the readers interested while not taking away from the plot or breaking the mood.

I liked the announcement at the bottom too. Good for world building and helps the plot come off more well-developed.

Overall...
I personally think the first chapter holds my interest well. Albeit, it does portray a face-paced mood because so much happened in one chapter lol (he lived, then he died, had his background story told, transmigrated, introduced multiple recurring characters, then a disciple appeared). It gives a sense that the MC is overwhelmed the whole time which may or may not be OOC if he's designed to be low tension and apathetic after transmigration.

Chapter 2 Comments:

I really like all the character dialogue in this chapter. Very proper xianxia-esque. It's like I'm watching one of those 3D donghuas lol.

In this chapter, I felt that the paragraphs got really long which is usually fine on desktop, but hard for mobile readers (I read it through once on desktop and then again on mobile to compare the reading experience lol).

Some examples:

Either his master would throw him off in a fit of rage, exposing his temper in front of the sect leader and losing enough face to take him away, or the sect leader would show up first, see him hugging his master like a human popsicle, and cause Mo Yixuan enough embarrassment that he’d whisk them both away.

This sentence is a bit long to start a chapter with and looks long on mobile which may make it more difficult to keep a reader's attention.

Another one:

In any case, it was a tried and true fact that Mo Yixuan prided himself on appearances and abhorred things that placed him in awkward positions. He worked hard to maintain the image of a cool and distant immortal despite having little of the qualifications; it’d taken Nan Wuyue a while to unmask him in his previous life because he’d been naive, but he was too keen to fall for the same old tricks now. So he simply clung on and waited for the inevitable, glorious fallout.

Mo Yixuan jostled briefly, but when that yielded no results, he simply gave up and stood still as a matter of habit. If you couldn’t beat the flow, better to let it wash over you until it passed. Like most unpleasant things, the strange teen was shoved to the back of his head as his gaze drifted to the flying cultivators in the air. Would he be strong enough to carry the extra weight if he flew? Could he even fly, if he didn’t have his sword handy? Where was it, anyways…

I think these two paragraphs could be separated into multiple by separating Mo Yixuan's "action" sentences and his "thought" sentences into different paragraphs

The reading experience smoothed out near the end though so I think the chapter wrapped up quite nicely!

Overall, a good first two chapters that would keep me reading. Some comments about making it more easy to read for mobile readers, but the plot itself is great and I can see you've put a lot of thought into names and locations. No confusion with the general plot and direction of the story so far. Looking forward to reading more of this novel~

I do have a bad habit of skim reading though so please take this feedback with a grain of salt because I might have overlooked details lol.

[BL] Feedback Swap (Sypnosis + First Chapter)

xiaomangisbusy

Well-known member

BubbleC

Floating Idiot

xiaomangisbusy

Well-known member

BubbleC

Floating Idiot

Ruyi

༺ aureate sect ༻

xiaomangisbusy

Well-known member