Blunt Feedback Thread [Closed]

[Anon2024]

I closed my horrible reviews thread because it was mostly for fun and didn't mean much. I'm currently trying to do a lot of writing, but I feel that doing some reading in between will also help me continue forward. I'm going to come out of the "Anonymous" persona a bit and state my preferred genres and tropes which are: Philosophy, angry characters (doesn't have to be MC, but I love it when characters lose their mind and go berserk) and some comedy.

I actually don't care for Smut all that much unless it's done really well.

I will read any genre and give feedback. Thread will close when I have too many requests to fulfill and re-open when I've caught up and have time.

The Preferred Genres are so you don't expect me to 'love' your story if it's not the genre I like. I will be just as rude as the other guy, but honest.

Anyway, if you'd like me to give some feedback I'm going to be harsh about it as I think @SailusGebel is way more useful to writers trying to improve their craft than a lot of other feedback threads (no offense to others who have them). I'll read the story until I get bored of it before the feedback.

To apply for feedback please post a link to your story in this thread. If you don't mention PM I will post it in thread.
I will not post a review/rating on your story because I don't believe in the rating system (actually I can just give you whatever rating you want, but I prefer not to add to my reading list right now).

Authors To Catch up On:
Closed Until I want to read again. Last person will be PM’d when I have time to read.

 

[Deleted member 57675]

Yay.

 

[Anon2024]

Opened again. Huh

 

[LessThanSavory]

I actually don't care for Smut all that much unless it's done really well

Well, it's not well written, but it's also doesn't have a lot of actual smut, so maybe that balances out somewhat?

Inherent Skill of Corruption

I was a trashy NEET with no friends or ambitions, nevermind something like a girlfriend or a career. After years of lazing around and doing nothing, even I realized that it would take a miracle for me to turn my life around. Luckily, I got just that. A blue haired...

www.scribblehub.com

I'd appreciate it in this thread, if you don't mind.

 

[Anon2024]

Well, it's not well written, but it's also doesn't have a lot of actual smut, so maybe that balances out somewhat?

Inherent Skill of Corruption

I was a trashy NEET with no friends or ambitions, nevermind something like a girlfriend or a career. After years of lazing around and doing nothing, even I realized that it would take a miracle for me to turn my life around. Luckily, I got just that. A blue haired...

www.scribblehub.com

I'd appreciate it in this thread, if you don't mind.

Alright so before I write what I write I want to give a caveat that this is my subjective opinion and you should only take it as one reader on the internet. There are probably many who will enjoy your story but I'm giving blunt feed back with my own thoughts.

First I'll start with what I liked.
1. I liked the subject matter, in that it's about some guy and his inner dialogue with some corruption demon that can enhance his masturbation and other techniques.
2. I think you put quite a bit of thought into the dialogue and how the characters should act. You also set up the future milf and the future love interest.
3. You mention breast size... which I like when people do that.


Now on to what I didn't like.
While I can say you put thought into the dialogue, it doesn't mean the dialogue is actually good. The Majority of the dialogue is generic with no distinct words between characters. Everyone talks the same. Even if people are in the same culture their word choice and diction in using those words will be different.

Second.. I didn't like how it was sometimes difficult to identify who is talking AND I AM A NATIVE ENGLISH SPEAKER AND READER!
Example

"Sorry, I was rinsing off my hands."

She squinted at me for a moment before looking at the bathroom where the sound of the sink running could be heard.

"Hmph! You were probably just in the middle of jerking off, right?"

W-well… not exactly, but I wish you weren't so close. Let's move the conversation away from that assumption.

"Why is that what you immediately jump to?"

"Because someone like you is definitely always either playing games or jerking off."

"Give me a break, Luce-

"Ms. Ohm!"

"Whatever."

"You're whatever!"

There are many sections in the story where there are lots of dialogue sequences like this where there are only quotation marks and you leave the reader to have to figure out who is saying what. It gets annoying at times. In a script, it's fine because you have a speaker listed and you know who is talking but in writing it becomes a completely different issue because you have to continue to paint the picture as the dialogue goes unless you're really good at using distinct words to separate the character.

Also, there are a lot of Useless Dialogue that doesn't move the story along, and info dump scenes where it feels like it's just dragging the story along.

There are plenty of examples of dialogue where there is neither attacking or defending like the above where there are no weight, but here is what I call an info dump scene:

Actually, forget the quotation... it's basically all of chapter 2 where Conor and Fig are talking constantly about how it works.

I'm not going to rate your story because it's not complete, and just because the beginning starts off this way doesn't mean it won't end well or get better as it goes along. This isn't a story you're putting on the shelf to be sold completed and web novels (if they're good) tend to improve... or sometimes (if the author has a huge amount of donations) devolve into trash.

Lastly, you need to work on pacing in the smut scenes. They seem very rushed.

Those are my thoughts on your writing, otherwise I do think it's up my alley in something I might enjoy.

 

[georgelee5786]

The second story in my Signature. It is only one chapter though so.....

 

[Anon2024]

The second story in my Signature. It is only one chapter though so.....

On thread or PM?

 

[georgelee5786]

Thread

On thread or PM?

 

[Anon2024]

Thread

Disclaimer: The following is my subjective Opinion

So...
What I liked:
1. Good descriptors of the Silver Phoenix Mecha
2. Some mention of lore and history of that robot.

What I didn't like:

First, this is not a story. It's a prologue. You wanted me to give feedback on a prologue that has zero plot direction so far, no characters... nothing. Just a giant robot and some of the carnage it might have done. The only speaking points were by some nameless general or announcer.

If you want criticism, I would say that while you are able to establish good tone, the word choice doesn't allow the paragraph to flow neatly and to native english speakers it sounds like an inexperienced writer, or low effort writing. A 2nd hand english speaker will probably not see this, but it's perfect for web novels because most people read them for genre anyway.

I won't rate because it's not a story, it's just a prologue and somewhat similar to your deleted Iron Admiral about a ship that was part of some empire.

Call me back when you've written some named characters who have scenes and dialogues.

 

[georgelee5786]

Disclaimer: The following is my subjective Opinion

So...
What I liked:
1. Good descriptors of the Silver Phoenix Mecha
2. Some mention of lore and history of that robot.

What I didn't like:

First, this is not a story. It's a prologue. You wanted me to give feedback on a prologue that has zero plot direction so far, no characters... nothing. Just a giant robot and some of the carnage it might have done. The only speaking points were by some nameless general or announcer.

If you want criticism, I would say that while you are able to establish good tone, the word choice doesn't allow the paragraph to flow neatly and to native english speakers it sounds like an inexperienced writer, or low effort writing. A 2nd hand english speaker will probably not see this, but it's perfect for web novels because most people read them for genre anyway.

I won't rate because it's not a story, it's just a prologue and somewhat similar to your deleted Iron Admiral about a ship that was part of some empire.

Call me back when you've written some named characters who have scenes and dialogues.

Right. Just needed to make sure I hadn't horribly fucked something up. I'll ask you again once I establish more of the story.

 

[LessThanSavory]

Alright so before I write what I write I want to give a caveat that this is my subjective opinion and you should only take it as one reader on the internet. There are probably many who will enjoy your story but I'm giving blunt feed back with my own thoughts.

First I'll start with what I liked.
1. I liked the subject matter, in that it's about some guy and his inner dialogue with some corruption demon that can enhance his masturbation and other techniques.
2. I think you put quite a bit of thought into the dialogue and how the characters should act. You also set up the future milf and the future love interest.
3. You mention breast size... which I like when people do that.


Now on to what I didn't like.
While I can say you put thought into the dialogue, it doesn't mean the dialogue is actually good. The Majority of the dialogue is generic with no distinct words between characters. Everyone talks the same. Even if people are in the same culture their word choice and diction in using those words will be different.

Second.. I didn't like how it was sometimes difficult to identify who is talking AND I AM A NATIVE ENGLISH SPEAKER AND READER!
Example


There are many sections in the story where there are lots of dialogue sequences like this where there are only quotation marks and you leave the reader to have to figure out who is saying what. It gets annoying at times. In a script, it's fine because you have a speaker listed and you know who is talking but in writing it becomes a completely different issue because you have to continue to paint the picture as the dialogue goes unless you're really good at using distinct words to separate the character.

Also, there are a lot of Useless Dialogue that doesn't move the story along, and info dump scenes where it feels like it's just dragging the story along.

There are plenty of examples of dialogue where there is neither attacking or defending like the above where there are no weight, but here is what I call an info dump scene:

Actually, forget the quotation... it's basically all of chapter 2 where Conor and Fig are talking constantly about how it works.

I'm not going to rate your story because it's not complete, and just because the beginning starts off this way doesn't mean it won't end well or get better as it goes along. This isn't a story you're putting on the shelf to be sold completed and web novels (if they're good) tend to improve... or sometimes (if the author has a huge amount of donations) devolve into trash.

Lastly, you need to work on pacing in the smut scenes. They seem very rushed.

Those are my thoughts on your writing, otherwise I do think it's up my alley in something I might enjoy.

Much appreciated.

I'll definitely try to improve how I do dialogue in particular, and probably go back and redo some chapters once I feel like I've got the hang of it.

 

[Anon2024]

Much appreciated.

I'll definitely try to improve how I do dialogue in particular, and probably go back and redo some chapters once I feel like I've got the hang of it.

To be honest, it's good enough as it is to get a following. Webnovels aren't meant to be perfect. Most web novels in Japan are re-written as light novels when they're ready to be sold or have enough of a following to sell. You can go back and fix readability sure, but most readers would prefer you put out the next chapter than going back and fixing stuff.

New readers may appreciate it though.

 

[SK123]

Mind if I join in? I'm a newbie writer and English is my second language.

Here's the link: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/515091/sword-king/

 

[greyblob]

>complains about wasting time on the forums
>starts a review thread

 

[Anon2024]

Mind if I join in? I'm a newbie writer and English is my second language.

Here's the link: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/515091/sword-king/

Again, I'm writing my subjective opinion. I'm just one reader.

What I liked:
1. Name of the story.
2. The attempt to italicized thoughts to differentiate.

What I didn't like:

First off I hate this:

This is so cool!” Albeit exclaimed, swinging his Claymore easily.

After everyone got their Divine Weapons, it glowed again, brighter than earlier. Everyone flinched and closed their or even let go of them. Three seconds passed and the light vanished. Everyone glimpsed at their weapons until they noticed a mark. Attached to their weapon's handle.

“Uhm, mister, why does my weapon has a chicken mark?” the girl asked.

“Why does mine have a tiger?” the boy scratched the mark.

These are what you call action tags.

Your story has many action tags whenever there is a conversation whether the dialogue is meaningful or not. While it is grammatically correct, it shouldn't be used in a long drawn out conversation where the dialogue is supposed to be meaningful. If you want meaningful dialogue then the impact of the words should be enough to where action tags are not necessary.

While names can be used often, they get repetitive if you can't clear it out. I believe one of your commentators Doravg already addressed this.

Now... as for the plot... THERE IS ZERO SENSE OF URGENCY AT THE BEGINNING. Yeah sure you bring in that noble boy Izaac to push the word peasant to Nolan but at best he is just a stock character and there is no real rivalry. Just him fighting then the voice come out of nowhere without a scene change and no explanation about him getting stronger.

The technical aspect of your scene structure is that it doesn't use any words to explain what's going on when there is a shift. Then there is the training arc before some tournament. There is no tension that would be expected from the "sword king" and there is no emotional value because we don't know if Nolan has any actual dream or why he needs to achieve a dream. There is no stated goal or theme at the beginning of why Nolan wants to get stronger and be recognized by royals when he is already looked down upon by them.

I'm just saying that there are a lot of problems with the beginning and I only read to chapter 4 and already wanted to skim. Plus, although you italicize some 'thoughts' there are multiple misses when concerning the thoughts of some of the other characters.

Then when talking about the plot it's just an overdone I want to get stronger type of deal. The only way to make a story like this work is if the main character grips the audience and gets the audience to relate to him right from the start. Perhaps introduce a world mechanic so there is a little world building or put in a scene with his mother doing things.

Again... it's only 4 chapters in so I won't give a rating. These are just my thoughts. Since there isn't much foundation I'd try re-writing the first chapters and try to hook the reader before the main character starts training by showing what his goals are and why he needs to achieve them.

>complains about wasting time on the forums
>starts a review thread

So I read your post and this is just my subjective opinion.

What I like:
The blob face.

What I don't like:
Why are you criticizing me for my hypocrisy? I just want to chill on the forum and read people's stories while giving feed back. Did it ever occur to you that you're truly a tsundere? Like tsundere beyond all tsunderes, like if there were a crown for who is the most tsundere you would get that crown and then the other tsunderes by seeing your radiating glory of tsudereness would worship you as their deity.

I'm just saying @greyblob .

 

[greyblob]

Again, I'm writing my subjective opinion. I'm just one reader.

What I liked:
1. Name of the story.
2. The attempt to italicized thoughts to differentiate.

What I didn't like:

First off I hate this:


These are what you call action tags.

Your story has many action tags whenever there is a conversation whether the dialogue is meaningful or not. While it is grammatically correct, it shouldn't be used in a long drawn out conversation where the dialogue is supposed to be meaningful. If you want meaningful dialogue then the impact of the words should be enough to where action tags are not necessary.

While names can be used often, they get repetitive if you can't clear it out. I believe one of your commentators Doravg already addressed this.

Now... as for the plot... THERE IS ZERO SENSE OF URGENCY AT THE BEGINNING. Yeah sure you bring in that noble boy Izaac to push the word peasant to Nolan but at best he is just a stock character and there is no real rivalry. Just him fighting then the voice come out of nowhere without a scene change and no explanation about him getting stronger.

The technical aspect of your scene structure is that it doesn't use any words to explain what's going on when there is a shift. Then there is the training arc before some tournament. There is no tension that would be expected from the "sword king" and there is no emotional value because we don't know if Nolan has any actual dream or why he needs to achieve a dream. There is no stated goal or theme at the beginning of why Nolan wants to get stronger and be recognized by royals when he is already looked down upon by them.

I'm just saying that there are a lot of problems with the beginning and I only read to chapter 4 and already wanted to skim. Plus, although you italicize some 'thoughts' there are multiple misses when concerning the thoughts of some of the other characters.

Then when talking about the plot it's just an overdone I want to get stronger type of deal. The only way to make a story like this work is if the main character grips the audience and gets the audience to relate to him right from the start. Perhaps introduce a world mechanic so there is a little world building or put in a scene with his mother doing things.

Again... it's only 4 chapters in so I won't give a rating. These are just my thoughts. Since there isn't much foundation I'd try re-writing the first chapters and try to hook the reader before the main character starts training by showing what his goals are and why he needs to achieve them.


So I read your post and this is just my subjective opinion.

What I like:
The blob face.

What I don't like:
Why are you criticizing me for my hypocrisy? I just want to chill on the forum and read people's stories while giving feed back. Did it ever occur to you that you're truly a tsundere? Like tsundere beyond all tsunderes, like if there were a crown for who is the most tsundere you would get that crown and then the other tsunderes by seeing your radiating glory of tsudereness would worship you as their deity.

I'm just saying @greyblob .

now you're name calling and using the t word. I will continue this conversation no further

 

[Anon2024]

now you're name calling and using the t word. I will continue this conversation no further

 

[SK123]

Welp, I better use my brain to make my plot better~ thanks for the feedback by the way.

 

[Anon2024]

Welp, I better use my brain to make my plot better~ thanks for the feedback by the way.

Not the plot, the introduction. 4 chapters isn’t enough to get into the plot.

 

[SK123]

Not the plot, the introduction. 4 chapters isn’t enough to get into the plot.

Ohhh...