Citizens! I am FIENDING for FEEDBACKS!!!

[KingMusa]

Hello citizens of ScribbleHub Forum, i come seeking feedback on my story! it currently has 7 chapters, and each chapter is bellow 2000 words, so they are quick and easy to get through. please come check it out and leave constructive feed backs, pointing out what i can improve on, or what you like about my work!

Grand Adventure! Click Here!

Here is a synopsis:
On the small island of Oak, Kojo helps his family Tavern, known as Maple. Maple Tavern is a popular hot spot for all sorts of adventurers and travelers to come visit and rest up.

Kojo, not knowing much beyond his small hub island, would be fascinated by the countless stories that the adventurers would tell. He would listen to at least 10 different stories in one sitting, before being shooed off to bed by his Grandpa.

Years pass and Kojo grows up to be a strong and resilient young man, with an honest heart. Inspired by all the stories he had heard as a child, Kojo is filled with hunger, no, starvation to start his own Epic Adventure, exploring the world to its fullest, as it's the only way to fill his starvation.

Inspired by his Master, Kojo embarks on his epic journey to join a guild known as Grand Adventure. A famous guild, that'll allow him to Explore the world to his heart's content.

Follow Kojo, as he explores the wonders and tragedies of the world, improving his skills, growing his experience, and making lots of bonds on the way to live a story that will be remembered for all the years to come after.

This story is heavily Shonen-inspired, so yes I will be using a lot of clichè Shounen tropes. Since it's an adventure story, be prepared for a bunch of random adventures.

Grand Adventure! Click Here!

 

[TsumiHokiro]

Hello there, KingMusa, I've read the first and the last chapter of your story (to this date, that means the 7th.)

First, I would like to say that your story, being targeted at the male teenager demography, does not make me your potential reader. Shounen is a demography that I usually veer, and not steer, away from. But since you asked for advice, I will present to you a few things I have noticed that MIGHT be keeping further readers from enjoying your novel. (I say might because, as I have pointed out, I really am not your target reader.)

1. You sometimes use words in the wrong context: "Kojo responded looking up at his mentor"
2. It is alright to have fantasy elements, but the way you build your world is a fantasy itself. People going across the sea in small boats? A kid sleeping in a rowing boat that has been left to drift in the sea and does not wake up to the sound of a waterspout, or water tornado as you have written it? And then, they get to a dock and simply "park" their boat and leave it there, forgetting it ever existed. Without having to deal with nothing related to the boat itself... A very queer place indeed.
3. Use a Thesaurus. I'm tired of the times you have repeated words. Word repetition is an art that few should dabble in. Most should avoid it, for a reason: unless you have an idea behind that word that you want to present that is related to that, synonymous offer a better alternative for the eyes and the mind-eye. "..the duo reached the island... The duo were lucky to have a small boat…". Try to use pronouns from time to time instead of the noun. Repeated naming is really tiring.
4. You don't need to explain to your readers who is talking every single time. People can make logical assumptions just fine that once someone has ended their line, it would be someone's else turn to talk! That's how dialogues have been conducted throughout history, and unless you are doing some very unorthodox dialogue, people are not going to get lost between two people's turn.
5. You are using too many words when you could have profited from less. Don't over explain uselessly: "brought stars to Kojo's wide-open eyes", "Gripping his worn-out sword... brittle sword". You're being needlessly redundant. Here, you should have stuck with only one description or the other, not both.
6. I understand you're doing a very Hunter X Hunter inspired story here. It reeks of Gon, but even Gon was not such a suicidal maniac. If you are trying to go for comic relief with the idea of a reckless but capable Kyou-type person, think again what your protagonist must have. There's a difference between being Adventurous and throwing yourself to your death and relying on plot armour to save people from all their problems. From where this story seems to be going to me, the second is the decision you have taken as an Author.

With that said, you do have a story to tell, and you have a direction in mind. Your presentation could be better, however. Once you have worked on your presentation, just keep watch on not degrading your story content and you should be great to go.

 

[Assurbanipal_II]

Hello there, KingMusa, I've read the first and the last chapter of your story (to this date, that means the 7th.)

First, I would like to say that your story, being targeted at the male teenager demography, does not make me your potential reader. Shounen is a demography that I usually veer, and not steer, away from. But since you asked for advice, I will present to you a few things I have noticed that MIGHT be keeping further readers from enjoying your novel. (I say might because, as I have pointed out, I really am not your target reader.)

1. You sometimes use words in the wrong context: "Kojo responded looking up at his mentor"
2. It is alright to have fantasy elements, but the way you build your world is a fantasy itself. People going across the sea in small boats? A kid sleeping in a rowing boat that has been left to drift in the sea and does not wake up to the sound of a waterspout, or water tornado as you have written it? And then, they get to a dock and simply "park" their boat and leave it there, forgetting it ever existed. Without having to deal with nothing related to the boat itself... A very queer place indeed.
3. Use a Thesaurus. I'm tired of the times you have repeated words. Word repetition is an art that few should dabble in. Most should avoid it, for a reason: unless you have an idea behind that word that you want to present that is related to that, synonymous offer a better alternative for the eyes and the mind-eye. "..the duo reached the island... The duo were lucky to have a small boat…". Try to use pronouns from time to time instead of the noun. Repeated naming is really tiring.
4. You don't need to explain to your readers who is talking every single time. People can make logical assumptions just fine that once someone has ended their line, it would be someone's else turn to talk! That's how dialogues have been conducted throughout history, and unless you are doing some very unorthodox dialogue, people are not going to get lost between two people's turn.
5. You are using too many words when you could have profited from less. Don't over explain uselessly: "brought stars to Kojo's wide-open eyes", "Gripping his worn-out sword... brittle sword". You're being needlessly redundant. Here, you should have stuck with only one description or the other, not both.
6. I understand you're doing a very Hunter X Hunter inspired story here. It reeks of Gon, but even Gon was not such a suicidal maniac. If you are trying to go for comic relief with the idea of a reckless but capable Kyou-type person, think again what your protagonist must have. There's a difference between being Adventurous and throwing yourself to your death and relying on plot armour to save people from all their problems. From what this story seems to be going to me, the second is the decision you have taken as an Author.

With that said, you do have a story to tell, and you have a direction in mind. Your presentation could be better, however. Once you have worked on your presentation, just keep watch on not degrading your story content and you should be great to go.

Where can I recruit your services, oh wise chicken?

 

[TsumiHokiro]

Where can I recruit your services, oh wise chicken?

Services? Which services?

 

[Assurbanipal_II]

Services? Which services?

Your feedback services. *shameless self promoter*

 

[TsumiHokiro]

Your feedback services. *shameless self promoter*

I'll consider your request... and when, and if, they're made available spontaneously, post a thread.

 

[Assurbanipal_II]

I'll consider your request... and when, and if, they're made available spontaneously, post a thread.

...

 

[J_Chemist]

Fiending*

 

[KingMusa]

Hello there, KingMusa, I've read the first and the last chapter of your story (to this date, that means the 7th.)

First, I would like to say that your story, being targeted at the male teenager demography, does not make me your potential reader. Shounen is a demography that I usually veer, and not steer, away from. But since you asked for advice, I will present to you a few things I have noticed that MIGHT be keeping further readers from enjoying your novel. (I say might because, as I have pointed out, I really am not your target reader.)

1. You sometimes use words in the wrong context: "Kojo responded looking up at his mentor"
2. It is alright to have fantasy elements, but the way you build your world is a fantasy itself. People going across the sea in small boats? A kid sleeping in a rowing boat that has been left to drift in the sea and does not wake up to the sound of a waterspout, or water tornado as you have written it? And then, they get to a dock and simply "park" their boat and leave it there, forgetting it ever existed. Without having to deal with nothing related to the boat itself... A very queer place indeed.
3. Use a Thesaurus. I'm tired of the times you have repeated words. Word repetition is an art that few should dabble in. Most should avoid it, for a reason: unless you have an idea behind that word that you want to present that is related to that, synonymous offer a better alternative for the eyes and the mind-eye. "..the duo reached the island... The duo were lucky to have a small boat…". Try to use pronouns from time to time instead of the noun. Repeated naming is really tiring.
4. You don't need to explain to your readers who is talking every single time. People can make logical assumptions just fine that once someone has ended their line, it would be someone's else turn to talk! That's how dialogues have been conducted throughout history, and unless you are doing some very unorthodox dialogue, people are not going to get lost between two people's turn.
5. You are using too many words when you could have profited from less. Don't over explain uselessly: "brought stars to Kojo's wide-open eyes", "Gripping his worn-out sword... brittle sword". You're being needlessly redundant. Here, you should have stuck with only one description or the other, not both.
6. I understand you're doing a very Hunter X Hunter inspired story here. It reeks of Gon, but even Gon was not such a suicidal maniac. If you are trying to go for comic relief with the idea of a reckless but capable Kyou-type person, think again what your protagonist must have. There's a difference between being Adventurous and throwing yourself to your death and relying on plot armour to save people from all their problems. From where this story seems to be going to me, the second is the decision you have taken as an Author.

With that said, you do have a story to tell, and you have a direction in mind. Your presentation could be better, however. Once you have worked on your presentation, just keep watch on not degrading your story content and you should be great to go.

Thank you so much for the Feedback!

Yes I am working on expanding my vocabulary, and hopefully by the end of this series and any series I do in the future will be proof of my improvement.

Yeah that boat was just to get them from point A to B, (Small Spoiler) in the next Chapter it's explained that such a small boat won't be of use to them. As for the part where the Mc was sleeping on a boat out at sea and the whole water tornado thing happens, well I learned about a cool thing known as "Suspension of Disbelief" and decided to use it right of the bat.

I'll work on my presentation, and most likely rewrite it in the future after I've completed the first volume. Thank You again for the review, I do agree with a lot of stuff you said.

 

[TsumiHokiro]

Thank you so much for the Feedback!

Yes I am working on expanding my vocabulary, and hopefully by the end of this series and any series I do in the future will be proof of my improvement.

Yeah that boat was just to get them from point A to B, (Small Spoiler) in the next Chapter it's explained that such a small boat won't be of use to them. As for the part where the Mc was sleeping on a boat out at sea and the whole water tornado thing happens, well I learned about a cool thing known as "Suspension of Disbelief" and decided to use it right of the bat.

I'll work on my presentation, and most likely rewrite it in the future after I've completed the first volume. Thank You again for the review, I do agree with a lot of stuff you said.

Suspension of belief is not a technique for you to impose on your readers, but is something which your readers naturally adopt themselves. If you force too much of a nonsense on your readers, you will lose them.

You can make people superhuman. You can have people revive. You might be God inside your story, that is not a problem. But your readers need LOGIC behind each and every action you take. This is called World-building, and it is essential if you want to keep consistency. A non-consistent world will fall apart, and its readers will jump from the boat, leaving you, the writer, alone in a shipwreck that that will already be too late for repair.

Logic is not our world's logic. It is just a clear line of reason of why things are happening. Fail to provide that, and no matter how great you try to spin a tale, you will not end up with more than a tall tale.

 

[KingMusa]

Understood, I'll be sure to keep that in mind moving forward