Constructive Criticism please :D

[zeryn]

I started writing my story back in April of 2018, and took a year long break after getting stuck on a certain chapter as well as other hobbies pulling me away from this hobby. However, I don't really have the people around me who can or are willing to give constructive criticism for my work.

So... I'd appreciate any feedback! My story is Tethralin, and I just started posting it yesterday.

Any criticism in any fashion would be welcome.
Thank you!

 

[sak-chii]

Ohhhh congrats... ***clicks on your story to view***

 

[jinxs2011]

Bit of a shame nobody else has posted.
I read your story, and it's pretty good so far. Grammar is fine, story is interesting...
I would probably advise against using exclamation marks as an expression of alarm or astonishment, though. It can work in games, but if you think about it, exclamation marks by themselves don't mean anything. It's impossible to say "!!". It's better to write something along the lines of "He whipped his head towards the sound in alarm", or "His eyes widened with surprise".
Another thing which is less of a writing issue and more of a story or world building issue - or it could even be a non-issue - is the system broadcast thing in chapter 1. I can't really think of a reason that would be broadcasted to the people in-game. The people in-game know the truth of their own situation, so the corporation can't convince them otherwise, and you would think it would just be a needless distraction for the players.

 

[zeryn]

Thank you so much for the feedback. You make great points and I will definitely learn from it. What you say makes sense, and world building is definitely something I need to work on. for the broadcast thing, that will be something that has to be explained deeper down the line, though. Especially now that you brought it up regarding that it doesn't make sense.
Thanks jinxs!!

 

[jinxs2011]

Thank you so much for the feedback. You make great points and I will definitely learn from it. What you say makes sense, and world building is definitely something I need to work on. for the broadcast thing, that will be something that has to be explained deeper down the line, though. Especially now that you brought it up regarding that it doesn't make sense.
Thanks jinxs!!

No Problem. That's part of the reason I mentioned it might be a non-issue, though - If you weren't aware of it, it would be an issue, but if you were already aware and you have plans that need to be introduced later in the story, then it's all well and good.

 

[zeryn]

I still would appreciate any other feedback if anyone has any! Particularly concerning dialogue between people as more of that as come up in my latest chapters. I always feel like dialogue is difficult!