Decent guy transmigrated to an NTR/Smut world (No actual smut!)

[Vnator]

I mentioned wanting to make this story a long time ago on the forums, but I've finally stepped up and hammered some of it out!

So after getting tired of all of the seemingly interesting sounding stories only to get slapped in the face with those three accursed letters, I decided to write my own take on what a world like that would be like, and how a decent guy would go about trying to live a normal life despite all of the horniness around him. LOTS of world building to make such a world believable as well! It doesn't shit on fans of NTR or smut either, mind you, but it definitely shows off what a decent person with a litrpg System and the whole nine yards would realistically handle living there.

Check it out, or at least the first chapter and let me know what you think!

Living it for the Plot

 

[SailusGebel]

Boobs.

 

[mitkopom]

Excellent idea. It reminds me of the ugly bastard's system novel, which was a true masterpiece. I will check your story

 

[SailusGebel]

Okay, now a serious reply. 1.5/5 stars. There is no satire, no parody, no comedy, no drama, characters don't have personalities all of them are spokeperson for your own thoughts, system, and so far lazy usage of transmigration(or body swap, doesn't matter). I can't say the way you write is good, but it's the only relatively good point.

 

[mitkopom]

I disagree with SailusGebel!!!!
I find your work so catching, I was hooked from the start! When is going to be the next chapter???? I need MOAR!!!
A normal person acting as a reasonable human being in a wicked NTRworld. That is a plot you dont see often...

 

[WarJoy]

Its really good and interesting. I see a real work put into the text and the story seems thought through. A wicked sad world of NTR.

 

[Anon2024]

We kinda already live in that world in the big cities. Modern society is full of screwed up smut.

we don’t have an RPG system though.

 

[SailusGebel]

We kinda already live in that world in the big cities. Modern society is full of screwed up smut.

Based.

 

[Vnator]

Okay, now a serious reply. 1.5/5 stars. There is no satire, no parody, no comedy, no drama, characters don't have personalities all of them are spokeperson for your own thoughts, system, and so far lazy usage of transmigration(or body swap, doesn't matter). I can't say the way you write is good, but it's the only relatively good point.

The protagonist has just arrived, and they've only spent 3 chapters trying to figure out what's going on. And if you didn't find the dress-down in chapter 1 or the freak outs in chapter 2 as unfunny, then our taste in jokes are very different. But in terms of actual drama, it'll take a few more chapters for it to show up, and it'll be more than a lazy "look at how mean and stupid the ntr person is hurr durr" when it does. Like, an actual problem not caused by someone being a horny idiot.

Okay, now a serious reply. 1.5/5 stars. There is no satire, no parody, no comedy, no drama, characters don't have personalities all of them are spokeperson for your own thoughts, system, and so far lazy usage of transmigration(or body swap, doesn't matter). I can't say the way you write is good, but it's the only relatively good point.

The protagonist has just arrived, and they've only spent 3 chapters trying to figure out what's going on. And if you didn't find the dress-down in chapter 1 or the freak outs in chapter 2 as unfunny, then our taste in jokes are very different. But in terms of actual drama, it'll take a few more chapters for it to show up, and it'll be more than a lazy "look at how mean and stupid the ntr person is hurr durr" when it does. Like, an actual problem not caused

I disagree with SailusGebel!!!!
I find your work so catching, I was hooked from the start! When is going to be the next chapter???? I need MOAR!!!
A normal person acting as a reasonable human being in a wicked NTRworld. That is a plot you dont see often...

Thanks! You'll definitely be getting more!

 

[Ilikewaterkusa]

bruh

 

[SailusGebel]

The protagonist has just arrived, and they've only spent 3 chapters

That is part of the bigger problem. Bad pacing. Instead of focusing on the only thing that matters at the beginning of an isekai, MC and his reaction, you spew out worldbuilding. For three chapters straight we see a lot of irrelevant stuff and unfunny jokes(for those who don't have the same sense of humor as you). The way you tried to do worldbuilding in those two chapters completely ruins the pacing. When your MC should freak out and somehow address the fact that he is in a new world, you try to show your vision of a 'smut world.' The small bits you wrote when MC looked at the banners on the road are a million times better than two whole chapters. Instead of showing MC's reaction to a MAJOR change in life, you write a convoluted description of how the memory of Mike works. And btw, you broke your own rules. MC states that he isn't influenced by the memories yet he is influenced by them. Even if you will describe how it works LATER, right now, I can't perceive it as something other than a plot hole.

And if you didn't find the dress-down in chapter 1 or the freak outs in chapter 2 as unfunny, then our taste in jokes are very different.

Absolutely true, our taste is different. However, there is also a chance that you are unfunny. No offense here.

But in terms of actual drama, it'll take a few more chapters for it to show up, and it'll be more than a lazy "look at how mean and stupid the ntr person is hurr durr" when it does. Like, an actual problem not caused by someone being a horny idiot.

The fact that a person is now in a new body is already drama material. That's why I wrote it is a lazy implementation of an Isekai so far. Because you didn't address his past in any way or form. You didn't omit it naturally so that I will be interested in finding it out, and you obviously didn't describe his past. You were too busy trying to show your vision of a 'smut world.'

 

[mitkopom]

Oh Sailus you are such a harsh critic. I better never show you my story or you will chew me alive. I know you are trying to give constructive criticism but it sounds too agressive. the plot is almost unique, the writing is clear and scenes are well defined...

 

[SailusGebel]

Oh Sailus you are such a harsh critic. I better never show you my story or you will chew me alive. I know you are trying to give constructive criticism but it sounds too agressive. the plot is almost unique, the writing is clear and scenes are well defined...

I know that it sounds too aggressive but I can't convey my thoughts in a more amicable way. At least I'm not calling everything shit or use swear words like I used to.

 

[Vnator]

@SailusGebel Agree to disagree then. I feel like issues you've listed have been addressed in the story, but not in a way that was immediately noticed. Could be that I made it way too subtle or it just went over your head.

Like with the freak out, he does almost topple off a railing and even gets into a car accident as the weight of being in a new world hits him. And with Mike's memories, how do they influence MC? They give him information, and MC reacts to that information by either getting upset or freaking out. Is there something I'm missing there?

 

[SailusGebel]

Like with the freak out, he does almost topple off a railing and even gets into a car accident as the weight of being in a new world hits him.

Toppling off =\= proper reaction to being plunged into a new world and body by someone. There is no inner monologue for MC to come to terms with the new reality. I wasn’t in my own goddamn body anymore! I picked myself up with a painful groan and made my descent down to the lot below. A very slow descent. Who knew what the hell was going on, but the first logical step was to figure it out. That's the extent of his reaction. This is not a reaction of a person who is isekaied. This is the author's reaction. This is your reaction. We don't know whether he knows about isekai or not. If he knows, he should comment on this in an inner monologue. If he doesn't know, he should obviously freak out much more. And yes, in my opinion, this is a picture-perfect example of lazy writing.

Btw, another thing I forgot to mention. “Yeah! You treat me like shit, and have the nerve to ask me to beg to be fucked by the guy you’re cheating me on with? Life isn’t a fucking porno, and even if it were, you’d be the kind of star who’d wash out as a heroin junkie working a truck stop bathroom after a few years. You’re honestly not worth it, and probably deserve a prick like Jeff. Have fun with him, for ever long that lasts!” In my opinion, this isn't something a decent person would say, but whatever.

Anyway, it was a mistake on my part to write a serious reply seeing how defensive you act. No need to reply to me anymore. Just think that I misunderstood everything.

 

[Vnator]

Anyway, it was a mistake on my part to write a serious reply seeing how defensive you act. No need to reply to me anymore. Just think that I misunderstood everything.

Damn, you act like I'm the one being aggressive, when I just asked for clarification while you put an insult in every one of your responses. But yeah, we're not getting through to each other so let's leave it at 'agree to disagree'.