Feed back for a fight scene needed and will be much appreciated

[SirDogeTheFirst]

Hello, I currently write a battle academy book, and I need feedback on the fight scene in Chapter 1:

Generic Battle Academia - Chapter 1: First Test Battle | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

I want to know if you think the combat flow is smooth or has holes and if my descriptions are decent or bad. Just chapter 1 will be sufficient, but if you want to, I won't say no to review of other chapters. (Also I tried to do that closing and opening spoiler thingy to not put a link, but failed to do it. If someone could teach me that I would appreciate it.)

 

[Prince_Azmiran_Myrian]

I was able to follow the flow of events well, but I think it lacks style. There should be more description and more of the five senses.
I feel like it is giving me a summary of the action, not spending enough time making the action awesome.

Personally, I think there's too much banter during combat. It's not bad, but it slows down the action especially when something fast is supposed to be happening. I think that dialogue fits better near the beginning and end of a fight, or during lulls.
Of course, some kinds of stories can get away with this. It might not actually be a bad thing, just a personal preference.

I say this as a poor writer myself. Maybe a better writer can give better feedback.

Edit: it reads more as dialogue with some action, instead of action with some dialogue.

 

[SirDogeTheFirst]

I was able to follow the flow of events well, but I think it lacks style. There should be more description and more of the five senses.
I feel like it is giving me a summary of the action, not spending enough time making the action awesome.

Personally, I think there's too much banter during combat. It's not bad, but it slows down the action especially when something fast is supposed to be happening. I think that dialogue fits better near the beginning and end of a fight, or during lulls.
Of course, some kinds of stories can get away with this. It might not actually be a bad thing, just a personal preference.

I say this as a poor writer myself. Maybe a better writer can give better feedback.

Edit: it reads more as dialogue with some action, instead of action with some dialogue.

First of all, thanks, I appreciate the feedback. And I also agree with many of your points, I should probably use at least two senses to give a more epic feel to attacks, especially since it will be a novel with superpowers. About dialogues, I somewhat agree with you, I have no plan on using this much dialogue in all battles, I just felt like this pyromancer would be talky.

 

[Prince_Azmiran_Myrian]

First of all, thanks, I appreciate the feedback. And I also agree with many of your points, I should probably use at least two senses to give a more epic feel to attacks, especially since it will be a novel with superpowers. About dialogues, I somewhat agree with you, I have no plan on using this much dialogue in all battles, I just felt like this pyromancer would be talky.

I do think that her dialogue gave me good insight into her haughty character, which I did enjoy.
But also, I didn't know what either character looked like during that fight. I imagined two characters from Konosuba fighting. A Konosuba character versus Isaac Clarke. I am unsure if this was your intention.

 

[SirDogeTheFirst]

I didn't know what either character looked like during that fight.

I kinda suck when it comes to describing characters' physical appearances (not the actual describing but when to describe,) so I (unknowingly) avoid it while writing. This is a habit I should break.

 

[melchi]

First thing, heavy passive voice at the start. Considering this is first person it would be better to just omit the stuff about the red pyro group. I would go from the bench sitting straight to the pre fight banter.

Second don't mix action and reaction in the same paragraph.

Mc fires rubber bullets.
New paragraph.
Piro girl reacts to bullets fired.

Third, inconsistent tenses should be fixed. Some sentences are present and others are past. I would suggest past tense for everything because novels in present tense trigger some people.

 

[SirDogeTheFirst]

First thing, heavy passive voice at the start. Considering this is first person it would be better to just omit the stuff about the red pyro group. I would go from the bench sitting straight to the pre fight banter.

Second don't mix action and reaction in the same paragraph.

Mc fires rubber bullets.
New paragraph.
Piro girl reacts to bullets fired.

Third, inconsistent tenses should be fixed. Some sentences are present and others are past. I would suggest past tense for everything because novels in present tense trigger some people.

I have a question about tenses because English is not my native language. I heard using only one tense is better, but why? Sometimes, like when a character speaks, past tense doesn't work well as present tense. Can I jump between tenses from time to time, or is it a no? (Alright I finally understood what you meant. No more began walking in this doge's books.)

 

[bulmabriefs144]

Hello, I currently write a battle academy book, and I need feedback on the fight scene in Chapter 1:

Generic Battle Academia - Chapter 1: First Test Battle | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

I want to know if you think the combat flow is smooth or has holes and if my descriptions are decent or bad. Just chapter 1 will be sufficient, but if you want to, I won't say no to review of other chapters. (Also I tried to do that closing and opening spoiler thingy to not put a link, but failed to do it. If someone could teach me that I would appreciate it.)

Okay, first off.

I was imagining an exosuit like some kind of superhero armor (stretchy synthetic fabric), but the way it closes around him, I guess it was actually a mecha suit. But then they talk about putting the helmet on. Personally, I think if it's big enough to jump into, as you say, it feels off to then have to put on a helmet. But you explained it in a way that makes sense. Next...

Thrust flight part seems okay. I wasn't clear whether these were flame wings or like a jet pack ability.

Logistically, midair flame stuff is dodgy. Balance is a real thing. I'm trying to picture wing flapping and the fireball (btw, there are several ways to create a fireball, but usually the main two are overlapping open hands like a volleyball spike or two cupped open hands similar to a hadoken; the first one is braced by the other hand, but the second is not steady enough with the constant moving of the back and/or shoulders).

When in doubt, try acting out the motions to see if it seems like it should work.

Are these pillars from the flames that split? Or did she manifest them by heating the air at range? Oh there it is, you bumped that explanation to the end.

I feel like the flying part created alot of potential balance issues with her waving her arms all about. Especially when she's making those tornadoes.

I like the scene, especially the dummy part, and I think it works. I also think there's a bit of sexual tension that's kind of nice. Just work on the idea of correlating hand motions to the effect of her abilities (you did that some) and making sure previous actions don't make other actions not work (like the flying example).