Feedback for my novel plz

[NotAUniquename4502]

Hi! My name isEdd99 and today I wrote the first chapter of Assassins Apocalypse. Its probably really shit, however, i always wanted to make a LitRPG novel as i have been reading them for years. I was wondering if anybody would like to take a look at it. It is about an assassin in a system apocalypse with a unique ability. No sexual content, just gore. Thx.

 

[Ninini]

Don’t like it
YOU should make into smut

 

[WarJoy]

I dont know even what to say. It's bad. It looks like you rushed wrote it without any thought and then posted it without editing.

My advice is don't rush. You can probably see wrong things with what you wrote yourself. Enjoy making something good.
If you want to write something longer you will spend an insane amount of time on it. Thousands of hours. You cant go through it thinking "I want it to end, I want to have it already written", because you will just drop it at some point.

So your first feedback is its incredibly rushed. Too much too fast

 

[ConansWitchBaby]

Whiplash. Consider focusing on the in-between moments of action and plot in the novels you've read. Pacing is just as important.

 

[greyblob]

not bad honestly. needs some editing but otherwise okay. i don't get why you had 2 povs. i didnt see Mujahid's pov adding anything new so there's really no point of having it. lastly, your paragraphs are going to be very intimidating for the average litrpg reader. try breaking them down a bit.

 

[ChaosGodOfJashin]

I dont know even what to say. It's bad. It looks like you rushed wrote it without any thought and then posted it without editing.

My advice is don't rush. You can probably see wrong things with what you wrote yourself. Enjoy making something good.
If you want to write something longer you will spend an insane amount of time on it. Thousands of hours. You cant go through it thinking "I want it to end, I want to have it already written", because you will just drop it at some point.

So your first feedback is its incredibly rushed. Too much too fast

Yes. Too much new writers do this. But as time went by they will get better in pacing

 

[NotAUniquename4502]

Cool Thanks for feedback. Tbh apart from English essays ive never written anything bigger than 500 words b4 so i have no clue what im doing
Greyblob thanks for your feedback, and imma rewrite sections of it

 

[NotAUniquename4502]

not bad honestly. needs some editing but otherwise okay. i don't get why you had 2 povs. i didnt see Mujahid's pov adding anything new so there's really no point of having it. lastly, your paragraphs are going to be very intimidating for the average litrpg reader. try breaking them down a bit.

Can u try reading it again? i spent like like 2 hours revising it and fixed tons of grammar mistakes and formatting

 

[greyblob]

Can u try reading it again? i spent like like 2 hours revising it and fixed tons of grammar mistakes and formatting

looks much better. you could go anywhere with your story so don't worry too much and have fun.

 

[NotAUniquename4502]

looks much better. you could go anywhere with your story so don't worry too much and have fun.

Yeah thx. Im going on holiday til tuesday but after that imma probably write the second chapter

 

[NotAUniquename4502]

If anybody is still looking at this forum lmao, i finally posted the second chapter