Feedback for my webnovel ''World Of Dawn''

[BornInAbyss]

Hello fellas!

I am currently translating and writing my current story ''World Of Dawn'' into english. My english is not the best however. Thats why I make use of a translator. The actual story is written in german. I would like to have feedback if the translation is okay to read and if the story is engaging or not. i will keep editing the chapters depending on your feedback. :)

World Of Dawn - Prologue | Scribble Hub

Thank you very much in advance I am looking forward to your comments! :)

 

[BornInAbyss]

lets bump this up.

 

[IDKWtWrite-San]

The first chapter have an excessive use of comma, one supposedly question are not ? and instead use period.

The recent one is a full block of text, You should cut them up so that the reader will not skip due to them not wanting to use a block of text. ( Just my opinion though ) I only review the first and recent one.

 

[2021]

The first chapter have an excessive use of comma, one supposedly question are not ? and instead use period.

The recent one is a full block of text, You should cut them up so that the reader will not skip due to them not wanting to use a block of text. ( Just my opinion though ) I only review the first and recent one.

What he said

 

[BornInAbyss]

The first chapter have an excessive use of comma, one supposedly question are not ? and instead use period.

The recent one is a full block of text, You should cut them up so that the reader will not skip due to them not wanting to use a block of text. ( Just my opinion though ) I only review the first and recent one.

In german we use a lot of comma I translated it 1 to 1 from german to english. Maybe thats why it has so much comma inside. I am going to erase most of them so it becomes readable.

The last chapter got edited by me. Its not less blocky.

 

[IDKWtWrite-San]

In german we use a lot of comma I translated it 1 to 1 from german to english. Maybe thats why it has so much comma inside. I am going to erase most of them so it becomes readable.

The last chapter got edited by me. Its not less blocky.

I see, so that's why it has a lot of comma.

 

[BornInAbyss]

I see, so that's why it has a lot of comma.

Yes thats the reason why. I've used some kind of comma checking tool on all the chapters. It should be fine now.

 

[SakeVision]

*Sigh*

What can I say? The story seems interesting. But poor execution will probably kill it. You should work on your English more. Use Grammarly or Hemingwayapp for suggestions. You don't have to follow them, but they will go a long way in helping you out with grammar and clarity.

Look at the synopsis.

In a world of powerful, almost devil-like beings, strengthened by his noble lineage, Aramoto Kakumo shall exist to get rid of a world of the powerful beings which is in darkness. His brother Kishimoto Kakumo gave him this task shortly before his unexplainable disappearance. At the same time, he presented him with his inheritance in the form of a crystal necklace, which has unparalleled abilities if you speak a secret spell aloud in front of it. But only a heavenly angel knows this spell, for whose help Aramoto has to beg. As a result of his adventures, Aramoto loses his family and his homeland of Marlovina. As he is about to ask the heavenly angel for help, he fatefully meets a young woman who pretends to know the whereabouts of the heavenly angel whom Aramoto is supposed to ask for help. Both now set off together to carry out Aramato's order. Aramato sees himself become different in the offspring of his commission given to him by his brother Kishimoto Kakumo, so that he realizes that the love between two people is greater than the salvation of the world

Please, don't be lazy. There is a dot missing at the end. Re-read what you post. Put effort in, otherwise people will think you don't really care and you will drop this novel soon.

 

[BornInAbyss]

*Sigh*

What can I say? The story seems interesting. But poor execution will probably kill it. You should work on your English more. Use Grammarly or Hemingwayapp for suggestions. You don't have to follow them, but they will go a long way in helping you out with grammar and clarity.

Look at the synopsis.

In a world of powerful, almost devil-like beings, strengthened by his noble lineage, Aramoto Kakumo shall exist to get rid of a world of the powerful beings which is in darkness. His brother Kishimoto Kakumo gave him this task shortly before his unexplainable disappearance. At the same time, he presented him with his inheritance in the form of a crystal necklace, which has unparalleled abilities if you speak a secret spell aloud in front of it. But only a heavenly angel knows this spell, for whose help Aramoto has to beg. As a result of his adventures, Aramoto loses his family and his homeland of Marlovina. As he is about to ask the heavenly angel for help, he fatefully meets a young woman who pretends to know the whereabouts of the heavenly angel whom Aramoto is supposed to ask for help. Both now set off together to carry out Aramato's order. Aramato sees himself become different in the offspring of his commission given to him by his brother Kishimoto Kakumo, so that he realizes that the love between two people is greater than the salvation of the world

Please, don't be lazy. There is a dot missing at the end. Re-read what you post. Put effort in, otherwise people will think you don't really care and you will drop this novel soon.

Thanks for the feedback. I have purchased the premium version of grammarly now and am currently putting all the written text in there so it can get corrected.