Feedback is What I Seek

[Scribbler]

I've got 10 chapters and 75 pages of my story Olympus Online. What is it about you ask, my dear potential reader? Why I'll tell you! It's about a guy who enters a VRMMO, and not just any VRMMMO! It's the first full dive VRMMO ever! So there aren't any tutorials or guides already posted elsewhere online. Watch him partake in thrilling events such as tutorials and talking with shopkeepers! Okay, so those don't sound too thrilling, but then there's a dungeon and quests! Those are sure to be exciting! Probably!

Uh, what else. If I had to describe the story in three words I would say it's a shounen action comedy. The mood isn't all that serious, though it can get serious a few times. Uhhh, I hope you like it or that anyone will give me feedback!

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/24094/olympus-online/

 

[binarysoap]

I would say it's not bad, but I've seen better

There are some grammar/writing issues I've noticed, but most of the time, they aren't at the point where it detracts from the story.
I don't understand what you're trying to say sometimes though, such as:

Spoiler: chapter 8

public displays of fidelity
Like what is that even supposed to mean? Googling fidelity gives the definition of faithfulness

or

Spoiler: chapter 9

took purchase of the railing overlooking the room. I'm pretty sure you don't mean he bought the railing.

On a side note, in chapter 7, in the comments section, Pyro5379 made a suggestion for change.
My take on that is

Spoiler: chapter 7

Changing it the way the person exactly suggested would not work because there is a lot more going on.
What the real "problem" is, is that in that paragraph:

This continued on. The boss attacking me. Me narrowly evading its attacks and falling stalactites, and getting a hit in when I could. Scope shooting his arrows and landing an eyeshot more often then I could attack. And Priscilla firing ice shards.

Most of those aren't even sentences. Aside from the first sentence, none of them actually have verbs, and thus, are sentence fragments. Verbs ending in -ing usually end up becoming nouns (look up gerund if you are curious).
If you wanted to make things grammatically correct, you would need to do something like change all those verbs like attacking to "attacked" or "was attacking".

Spoiler: example correction

This continued on. The boss attacked me. I narrowly evaded its attacks and falling stalactites, and got a hit in when I could. Scope shot his arrows and landed an eyeshot more often then I could attack, and Priscilla fired ice shards.

It's easy to understand what's happening though, so you could choose not to change it.

 

[Serzy]

There are some grammar/writing issues I've noticed, but most of the time, they aren't at the point where it detracts from the story.
I don't understand what you're trying to say sometimes though, such as:

Spoiler: chapter 8

public displays of fidelity
Like what is that even supposed to mean? Googling fidelity gives the definition of faithfulness

or

Spoiler: chapter 9

took purchase of the railing overlooking the room. I'm pretty sure you don't mean he bought the railing.

Regarding those two examples, I think they're pretty understandable. At the very least, I've seen both words used in those ways before.
To clarify:
For fidelity, if you googled it, then the second definition about sexual faithfulness should be right in context. It just means some sort of indecent act occurred.
For the 'took purchase', it's just another way to say he got a grip or foothold on the balcony. Like saying your foot found purchase while trying to climb a slippery slope or something would just mean your foot was able to get traction with the ground and not slip.

 

[zeryn]

Regarding those two examples, I think they're pretty understandable. At the very least, I've seen both words used in those ways before.
To clarify:
For fidelity, if you googled it, then the second definition about sexual faithfulness should be right in context. It just means some sort of indecent act occurred.
For the 'took purchase', it's just another way to say he got a grip or foothold on the balcony. Like saying your foot found purchase while trying to climb a slippery slope or something would just mean your foot was able to get traction with the ground and not slip.

While those words do work, some people may not understand it, and in those situations I would say: are you writing something your audience should understand? Scribbler mentions that it is a shounen, the main audience of shounen (I assume, not always the best thing to do) is generally a younger audience. So it could be right either way, but if the targeted audience doesn't understand, try to use easier to understand or more known usages of synonyms.

 

[jinxs2011]

My feedback: work on your description of your novel. From the above, it sounds like every VRMMO novel that has ever existed, but with less originality and exciting things.

 

[Scribbler]

I would say it's not bad, but I've seen better

There are some grammar/writing issues I've noticed, but most of the time, they aren't at the point where it detracts from the story.
I don't understand what you're trying to say sometimes though, such as:

Spoiler: chapter 8

public displays of fidelity
Like what is that even supposed to mean? Googling fidelity gives the definition of faithfulness

or

Spoiler: chapter 9

took purchase of the railing overlooking the room. I'm pretty sure you don't mean he bought the railing.

On a side note, in chapter 7, in the comments section, Pyro5379 made a suggestion for change.
My take on that is

Spoiler: chapter 7

Changing it the way the person exactly suggested would not work because there is a lot more going on.
What the real "problem" is, is that in that paragraph:

This continued on. The boss attacking me. Me narrowly evading its attacks and falling stalactites, and getting a hit in when I could. Scope shooting his arrows and landing an eyeshot more often then I could attack. And Priscilla firing ice shards.

Most of those aren't even sentences. Aside from the first sentence, none of them actually have verbs, and thus, are sentence fragments. Verbs ending in -ing usually end up becoming nouns (look up gerund if you are curious).
If you wanted to make things grammatically correct, you would need to do something like change all those verbs like attacking to "attacked" or "was attacking".

Spoiler: example correction

This continued on. The boss attacked me. I narrowly evaded its attacks and falling stalactites, and got a hit in when I could. Scope shot his arrows and landed an eyeshot more often then I could attack, and Priscilla fired ice shards.

It's easy to understand what's happening though, so you could choose not to change it.

First off, thank you for taking your time to read it.

For chapter 8, instead of saying, "public displays of affection, " I wanted something that was similar to it but not the same, so I chose fidelity. I wouldn't call it a joke exactly, but it would call into question what exactly a public display of fidelity was. And in my imagination it was of a person serenading their significant other about how faithful they have been. It would make sense for people not to know what I imagined it to be from the few words I put down of it. But I wanted to confuse the reader and make them think what the heck is a public display of fidelity? I may have been too sparse with my words in this instance. If you agree, I'll think about elaborating on the wanted sign as to why the player is being sought.

For chapter 9, though the definition of take purchase that I'm using in that instance is more similar to taking an advantageous footing in a duel, I hoped that those who knew that part of the definition would know what I meant when I used it. No, it's not technically correct. But I do think people who know that part of the definition will know what I mean. I should strive to be correct, but I think that breaking the rules has some advantages some times. Speaking of breaking rules, what a great segue!

Yeah, it's not grammatically correct. But I thought that way of writing it would make it seem more fast paced or action packed. Also I thought that part was boring, a simple telling of events within a battle. And not the moment to moment parts of it. So I also wanted to get through that part as fast as I could.

 

[Scribbler]

While those words do work, some people may not understand it, and in those situations I would say: are you writing something your audience should understand? Scribbler mentions that it is a shounen, the main audience of shounen (I assume, not always the best thing to do) is generally a younger audience. So it could be right either way, but if the targeted audience doesn't understand, try to use easier to understand or more known usages of synonyms.

Even if my audience were younger, I wouldn't want to simplify my writing for them. I don't think there are many occasions where one can use words that people normally never do. Which I know, by definition, is true. But what I mean is I think it's a good teaching opportunity. When I don't understand something I read in books I look it up and then can use it in my book. And I enjoy that feeling of learning, and of understanding what the writer meant. And it happens so few times where I don't think it gets annoying. But I do see where you're coming from and admit that it very easily could become so.

Edit: and I'm wasn't trying to sound obscure, but that word was the best that came to me at the time.

 

[Scribbler]

My feedback: work on your description of your novel. From the above, it sounds like every VRMMO novel that has ever existed, but with less originality and exciting things.

I wouldn't say my story is original or trying to be. It may indeed sound generic, but I wanted it to sound definitive.

I thought that all those things were things that should be in a VRMMO. I didn't give my MC any special powers. He has no secret class. He's just another player in the game. Within the context of the narrative he's not extremely poor or at death's door or leading some tragic life. I don't want him to be special, I want him to make himself special. I want him to prove himself in the game. I know there's no hook or anything relatable. I know that. But I can't make the description any more interesting since the MC is utterly and completely uninteresting, or there's nothing that innately makes him interesting. And the setting of the game is a generic medieval fantasy. There's nothing special about the AI, they aren't actually alive.

Maybe when I get further into the story I can find something interesting to put into the description of it.