Feedback: New Synopsis

[Kidd_Wadsworth]

Some say there was time long ago when the dragons were wise and good, when they lived in peace with humanity. And Magic flowed among the people like a river at flood. Magical people were born into every family: healers, wind-whisperers, movers . . . The dragons, also magical, were scholars and artists. They sculpted glass with their fiery breath, they learned of the tides and of the oceans, they wrote music and poetry. But greed and lust for power corrupted the dragons. Secretly, they began to eat magical people, boosting their own abilities with the magic they gained from the dying person. Too late they learned that stolen magic is addictive. With every magical person the dragons consumed they craved more. The more people they ate, the more their own ability to make magic atrophied, until the dragons could no longer make magic within themselves. To live, they had to eat magical people.

Then Magic itself began to die, and the number of magical people born dwindled. Faced with starvation, the dragons ate the only magical beings they could find—each other.

I am the last magical person. I am being hunted by the last, starving, psychotic dragon. It can smell the magic within me.

I don’t want to die.

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What do you think?

Hunted

Some say there was a time, long ago, when the dragons were wise and noble, when they lived in peace with humanity as scholars, bards, and sculptors. In those days, magic flowed among the people like a river at flood. Magical people were born into every family: healers, wind-whisperers, movers ...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[georgelee5786]

Some say there was time long ago when the dragons were wise and good, when they lived in peace with humanity. And Magic flowed among the people like a river at flood. Magical people were born into every family: healers, wind-whisperers, movers . . .

Why are there spaces between the dots? I think the first sentence could be phrased better.

The dragons, also magical, were scholars and artists. They sculpted glass with their fiery breath, they learned of the tides and of the oceans, they wrote music and poetry.

...how does something with claws write? Do these dragons have hands? Or did they dictate the poems to someone else? Not a criticism, just a passing thought.

But greed and lust for power corrupted the dragons. Secretly, they began to eat magical people,

Magical people? That sounds clunky as fuck. The word 'mages' makes the sentence look better while keeping the meaning the same.

boosting their own abilities with the magic they gained from the dying person. Too late they learned that stolen magic is addictive.

The second sentence could be phrased better. "They soon realized that stolen magic was addictive, but by then, it was too late," sounds a bit better.

With every magical person the dragons consumed they craved more. The more people they ate, the more their own ability to make magic atrophied, until the dragons could no longer make magic within themselves. To live, they had to eat magical people.

Mages.

Then Magic itself began to die,

How does that work? Because mages die, magic dies? Might want to make the cause of magic dying a little clearer.

and the number of magical people born dwindled. Faced with starvation, the dragons ate the only magical beings they could find—each other.

I am the last magical person. I am being hunted by the last, starving, psychotic dragon. It can smell the magic within me.

I don’t want to die.

I feel like the final sentence could be done better. Something with a little more flair than, "I don't want to die," might be good.

---

What do you think?

Hunted

Some say there was a time, long ago, when the dragons were wise and noble, when they lived in peace with humanity as scholars, bards, and sculptors. In those days, magic flowed among the people like a river at flood. Magical people were born into every family: healers, wind-whisperers, movers ...

www.scribblehub.com

...mages. But, my issues aside, the story sounds cool as fuck.

 

[Kidd_Wadsworth]

I've collected the feed back and changed the synopsis. Here it is. (BTW also got some hugely useful feedback from RR. Thanks, people.) My banner hasn't changed, but the new synopsis is too long to fit on the banner. I'll need to work on a shortened version.

New Synopsis:

Some say there was a time, long ago, when the dragons were wise and noble, when they lived in peace with humanity as scholars, bards, and sculptors. In those days, magic flowed among the people like a river at flood. Magical people were born into every family: healers, wind-whisperers, movers . . .

But greed and lust for power corrupted the dragons. Secretly, they began eating magical people, boosting their abilities.

Too late, the dragons learned that stolen magic addicts. The more people they ate, the more their own ability to make magic atrophied until the dragons could no longer create magic within themselves. To live, they had to consume.

Then Magic, the being all thought was eternal, the primal source, began to die, and the number of magical people born dwindled. Faced with starvation, the dragons ate the only magical beings they could find—each other.

We thought they were all dead.

But one starving, foul, psychotic dragon lives. It has sniffed me out. It wants to eat me.

I, Saoirse Togair, am the last magical person.

I am HUNTED.