Feedback on my Introduction

[YusakuRay]

Hi, y'all I recently started writing and completed my Introduction of my novel, If you have time I'd like some feedback in these parts primarily

1. 1st chapter because I notice most read the first chapter and don't move on to the next would like to know you're impressions/opinions if I should edit names or if there's something else im missing to add or if it lacks something? or maybe im just overthinking it and its fine as is (I'm happy with it myself.)
2. anything to add to make it easier for readers to help them not get mixed up with another person talking or thinking (i'm not sure how I'd fix that. maybe something like "so and so says.")
3. would like to know how's the pacing or maybe wait for the next 8 chapters to know for sure not sure when first dungeon chapters are done in isekai's (thinking about uploading in 8 chapter intervals maybe 4 because i find myself rushing to upload a chapter on time when I was uploading the initial 8.)
4. Also does the Illustrations help visualize some of the scenes?
5. Punctuation/Grammar
6. Tips to help with writing fight scenes ( I think I struggle with not making it drawn out enough as it can be/cool)

thank you for taking the time to read my post. will do my best to reply.
-Saku
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/994407/my-eternal-afterlife/

 

[Lysander_Works]

I'll be blunt but also with an initial disclaimer that I am EXTREMELY picky about liking any kind of Isekai stories.

Right from the start, there is a lot missing from your chapter 1 (really from all the chapters). The fact that lots are reading chapter 1 only to put it down is because Chapter 1 is your first chapter; the very location where readers will decide if this is their cup of tea or not. There are lots of scenic detail, character emotion, and even lots of world building details missing. As I say, it's kind of dry.

One of the biggest issues with Isekai is that way too many people try to launch one and make it work. The book market is suddenly so saturated with these right now that it can be considered a trope by default, and therefore uninteresting without something amazing and immediate to set it apart as unique. What I mean by this, is that for this genre, you are best starting the very first chapter with something most of these kinds of stories generally lack. That can be difficult to do especially with plot since it can mess up the flow, so best work on the style/world building if that method is a no go.

Backing from my first point, you have way too much of jumpiness in the advancement in plot, and because of this, a total lack of any sense of possible emotion or empathy a reader can make with the MC or side characters. There's no traceable thought process, no traceable feeling to draw from, and thus no way to feel immersed into this environment you have created. The illustrations at this point neither hurt nor help the situation.

Grammar: I'll only mention one important issue, since for the time being, grammar is the least of your worries. NEVER write your content in all caps, even if it is in quotations. It's lazy, lots of people don't like it.

Combat scenes: This is difficult to learn to draw out, and my only advice to someone who needs to learn from start is to read. Read other people's work and try to absorb what you can from their methods. If any combat scenes in writing you bump into bore you, avoid their styles. Mostly, avoid passive advance as much as possible. Combat should not be [Action] > [Action] > [Event] > [Action]. Instead, it should be [Action] > [Reaction] > [Character Emotional processing] > [Character Logical Processing] > [Action] > [Background of element if relevant] > [Reaction] > and so on...
Not a complete guide, just a warning not to write something like 'Axel swung his sword into the bandit. He missed. He swung again. Blood splattered from the enemy.'

Final thought: My initial reaction to this flags the entire story as a trope. Goblins and magic, fantasy and dragons, all of this CAN work in a story, but if I'm to make assumptions on the premise that all of this unusual stuff just exists, and therefore, it is, I'm going to be personally bored very fast, because it is not unique in a sea of similar stories. Maybe you can expand on these creatures, get more creative with different types of goblins, explain how the magic system works more, and have something more original than someone resurrected into another world being found floating to shore. This is separate from the writing style of having more of the detail I mentioned earlier. More reading, more practice, and more practice after that. Stay inspired and it will go a long way.

 

[YusakuRay]

I'll be blunt but also with an initial disclaimer that I am EXTREMELY picky about liking any kind of Isekai stories.

Right from the start, there is a lot missing from your chapter 1 (really from all the chapters). The fact that lots are reading chapter 1 only to put it down is because Chapter 1 is your first chapter; the very location where readers will decide if this is their cup of tea or not. There are lots of scenic detail, character emotion, and even lots of world building details missing. As I say, it's kind of dry.

One of the biggest issues with Isekai is that way too many people try to launch one and make it work. The book market is suddenly so saturated with these right now that it can be considered a trope by default, and therefore uninteresting without something amazing and immediate to set it apart as unique. What I mean by this, is that for this genre, you are best starting the very first chapter with something most of these kinds of stories generally lack. That can be difficult to do especially with plot since it can mess up the flow, so best work on the style/world building if that method is a no go.

Backing from my first point, you have way too much of jumpiness in the advancement in plot, and because of this, a total lack of any sense of possible emotion or empathy a reader can make with the MC or side characters. There's no traceable thought process, no traceable feeling to draw from, and thus no way to feel immersed into this environment you have created. The illustrations at this point neither hurt nor help the situation.

Grammar: I'll only mention one important issue, since for the time being, grammar is the least of your worries. NEVER write your content in all caps, even if it is in quotations. It's lazy, lots of people don't like it.

Combat scenes: This is difficult to learn to draw out, and my only advice to someone who needs to learn from start is to read. Read other people's work and try to absorb what you can from their methods. If any combat scenes in writing you bump into bore you, avoid their styles. Mostly, avoid passive advance as much as possible. Combat should not be [Action] > [Action] > [Event] > [Action]. Instead, it should be [Action] > [Reaction] > [Character Emotional processing] > [Character Logical Processing] > [Action] > [Background of element if relevant] > [Reaction] > and so on...
Not a complete guide, just a warning not to write something like 'Axel swung his sword into the bandit. He missed. He swung again. Blood splattered from the enemy.'

Final thought: My initial reaction to this flags the entire story as a trope. Goblins and magic, fantasy and dragons, all of this CAN work in a story, but if I'm to make assumptions on the premise that all of this unusual stuff just exists, and therefore, it is, I'm going to be personally bored very fast, because it is not unique in a sea of similar stories. Maybe you can expand on these creatures, get more creative with different types of goblins, explain how the magic system works more, and have something more original than someone resurrected into another world being found floating to shore. This is separate from the writing style of having more of the detail I mentioned earlier. More reading, more practice, and more practice after that. Stay inspired and it will go a long way.

This was very well put and I thank you for taking the time to explain this, I kind of understand now though writing in this genre if you want it to be successful, I never knew about the caps thing I'll go ahead and edit it, I agree with a lot of your points I just thought no one would be interested in the magic system because its hard to deviate from the norm of magic also you're right I need to add more emotion I want to give the impression that at the start the MC has no intention of wanting to be there i need to emphasize that more. thanks a lot again for your input I want this novel to be successful as well as entertaining for anyone to read.

 

[Lysander_Works]

This was very well put and I thank you for taking the time to explain this, I kind of understand now though writing in this genre if you want it to be successful, I never knew about the caps thing I'll go ahead and edit it, I agree with a lot of your points I just thought no one would be interested in the magic system because its hard to deviate from the norm of magic also you're right I need to add more emotion I want to give the impression that at the start the MC has no intention of wanting to be there i need to emphasize that more. thanks a lot again for your input I want this novel to be successful as well as entertaining for anyone to read.

You are welcome. Interesting that I only found this post at random after trying to learn how to filter forum searches more, this one being on unanswered posts/threads. Anyways, have a good day and good luck in revisions.

 

[AYM]

This daoist has interpreted the first chapter of the Story Formation. It is not my cup of tea, and there are several vulnerabilities to note for improvement.

The first paragraph introduction is quite lackluster. Your method that you've employed to describe the scene is unnecessarily long-winded. Pragmatically, the only acceptable use of long, exaggerated narratives is to describe a heavenly-defying jade beauty, a woman of supreme beauty who is definitively, undoubtably unreachable to the lowly peon... unless you are like this young master, who is too attractive and too wealthy and too talented to ignore. (humble)

It has been said proficient ability in qi flow and control facilitates auspicious feng shui, but subpar abilities obstructs it.

The sounds of bats squeaking and wolves howling fill the air from the forest nearby as night approaches, suddenly a figure emerges from the woods searching for a suitable place to make camp along the coast.

The sounds of bats squeaking and wolves howling fill the air from the forest nearby as night approaches. Suddenly a figure emerges from the woods searching for a suitable place to make camp along the coast.

In this example, a period is needed instead of a comma. The more glaring flaw, however, is the unnecessary description.

A soft sea breeze cuts through the humid air as the sun sets on the horizon on the coastline as countless waves break in, pushing against the red sands. The sounds of bats squeaking and wolves howling fill the air from the forest nearby as night approaches, suddenly a figure emerges from the woods searching for a suitable place to make camp along the coast.

There is no merit in this Story to remember the locations of bats and wolves because they are irrelevant. There is no need to keep this description of the approaching night because it has been said already that the sun is setting.

A soft sea breeze cuts through the humid air as the sun sets on the horizon on the coastline as countless waves break in, pushing against the red sands. Suddenly a figure emerges from the clearing of the nearby woods searching for a suitable place to make camp along the coast.

Other adjustments and critiques can be made, but this will do for now. Qi flows through the first paragraph, carrying the same ideas within a shorter length.



The second vulnerability that this daoist will comment on is the character Gobbi. Gobbi seems like a Treasure-hoarding goblin. Who else would carry an oversized bag? Therefore, Gobbi seems to be a very greedy goblin.

So why is Gobbi more likely to use its own resources to help an unconscious, unknown human, and less likely to loot the same human for valuables? From this one's understanding of foreign fantasy, a Goblin is as worthless to others as a trash mortal third son from the most backward, backwater village is to a Golden Core cultivator, and Human-Goblin relations were usually hostile.

Gobbi looks a little unsettled but refocuses and continues “And here on the right side is where we are! alllll the way down here on the Nameless Coast. We’re currently in the Vharahel, a land ruled by mainly monsters with very little humans here. I could even count on my fingers how many I’ve seen here. So, as you can see Humans aren’t particularly welcome in this land

You have already confirmed that the relationship between humans and monsters is poor, unless you want to clarify that a Goblin is not a monster.

Therefore, this one would have expected when a greedy Goblin encounters a rarely seen exploitable human, it would 1. loot the human for unique valuables and items, then 2. kill the human because it does not like humans or to give the human to its superior in exchange for valuables. I recommend contemplating further on the interaction between the two characters.



The current state of Chapter 1 fails to convince this daoist to read the next chapter. To reiterate, foreign fantasy of "Goblins" and "Elves" is not my cup of tea.

"Isekai" has been told as many times as I have courted death; to stand out as an author, one must take it upon oneself to create a Story Formation in a way that is more memorable and distinct from the others. But how I perceive Gobbi the Treasure-hoarding goblin does not forecast a great future.

 

[YusakuRay]

You are welcome. Interesting that I only found this post at random after trying to learn how to filter forum searches more, this one being on unanswered posts/threads. Anyways, have a good day and good luck in revisions.

I revised my chapters and was hoping you'd give it a re-read I also let my audience know i'm revising it to, I feel way more comfortable now than before with my story i want to keep the premise the same but adding elements of suspense feels nice you don't have to re-read fully but I'd appreciate another review if you can.

This daoist has interpreted the first chapter of the Story Formation. It is not my cup of tea, and there are several vulnerabilities to note for improvement.

The first paragraph introduction is quite lackluster. Your method that you've employed to describe the scene is unnecessarily long-winded. Pragmatically, the only acceptable use of long, exaggerated narratives is to describe a heavenly-defying jade beauty, a woman of supreme beauty who is definitively, undoubtably unreachable to the lowly peon... unless you are like this young master, who is too attractive and too wealthy and too talented to ignore. (humble)

It has been said proficient ability in qi flow and control facilitates auspicious feng shui, but subpar abilities obstructs it.


In this example, a period is needed instead of a comma. The more glaring flaw, however, is the unnecessary description.

There is no merit in this Story to remember the locations of bats and wolves because they are irrelevant. There is no need to keep this description of the approaching night because it has been said already that the sun is setting.

Other adjustments and critiques can be made, but this will do for now. Qi flows through the first paragraph, carrying the same ideas within a shorter length.



The second vulnerability that this daoist will comment on is the character Gobbi. Gobbi seems like a Treasure-hoarding goblin. Who else would carry an oversized bag? Therefore, Gobbi seems to be a very greedy goblin.

So why is Gobbi more likely to use its own resources to help an unconscious, unknown human, and less likely to loot the same human for valuables? From this one's understanding of foreign fantasy, a Goblin is as worthless to others as a trash mortal third son from the most backward, backwater village is to a Golden Core cultivator, and Human-Goblin relations were usually hostile.

You have already confirmed that the relationship between humans and monsters is poor, unless you want to clarify that a Goblin is not a monster.

Therefore, this one would have expected when a greedy Goblin encounters a rarely seen exploitable human, it would 1. loot the human for unique valuables and items, then 2. kill the human because it does not like humans or to give the human to its superior in exchange for valuables. I recommend contemplating further on the interaction between the two characters.



The current state of Chapter 1 fails to convince this daoist to read the next chapter. To reiterate, foreign fantasy of "Goblins" and "Elves" is not my cup of tea.

"Isekai" has been told as many times as I have courted death; to stand out as an author, one must take it upon oneself to create a Story Formation in a way that is more memorable and distinct from the others. But how I perceive Gobbi the Treasure-hoarding goblin does not forecast a great future.

Thank you for you're advice and appreciate you taking a look at my chapter 1 it helped me understand my flaws, I will do my best to learn to practice this technique more as I continue writing chapters for my novel thank you again for responding!

 

[Lysander_Works]

Well, I re-read them as you requested me to. I didn't see much change. The grammar of course got much better. Grammar is usually easy to improve since it's a universal standard. The rest is not so simple, and I think you may have missed a point I made earlier. If I were you, I wouldn't revise these chapters at all. I'd rework them from the ground up. I think you are going to have to basically start all over on the approach. Before this freaks you out, I cannot be 100% certain if it is all for the best, because it is your story and I thus cannot see what exact end-goal you are imagining when working on this story. It matters, and it's not my book, so I don't know what elements you have envisioned and been inspired by to start with this world and plot.

Two key points here are, I think you need some reading practice first. It's hard to name things on the spot, but go ahead and skim the works of Samuel Richardson if you get a chance.
The other point is that you need to slow down and really think about the moments in each scene and in each chapter you want to create, replicating every inch of those moments.

I will do one more thing to help you. I will take your first chapter, and attempt to re-write it from the ground up. It will of course be using my own style, and I may inadvertently create plot holes, but the point of doing this is to kind of explain what I've mentioned by example. It can't wind up perfect cause nothing ever is.
Also, I won't be able to post that here until a couple of days or so, since that kind of thing takes time.

 

[YusakuRay]

Well, I re-read them as you requested me to. I didn't see much change. The grammar of course got much better. Grammar is usually easy to improve since it's a universal standard. The rest is not so simple, and I think you may have missed a point I made earlier. If I were you, I wouldn't revise these chapters at all. I'd rework them from the ground up. I think you are going to have to basically start all over on the approach. Before this freaks you out, I cannot be 100% certain if it is all for the best, because it is your story and I thus cannot see what exact end-goal you are imagining when working on this story. It matters, and it's not my book, so I don't know what elements you have envisioned and been inspired by to start with this world and plot.

Two key points here are, I think you need some reading practice first. It's hard to name things on the spot, but go ahead and skim the works of Samuel Richardson if you get a chance.
The other point is that you need to slow down and really think about the moments in each scene and in each chapter you want to create, replicating every inch of those moments.

I will do one more thing to help you. I will take your first chapter, and attempt to re-write it from the ground up. It will of course be using my own style, and I may inadvertently create plot holes, but the point of doing this is to kind of explain what I've mentioned by example. It can't wind up perfect cause nothing ever is.
Also, I won't be able to post that here until a couple of days or so, since that kind of thing takes time.

I see, though what I thought from what meant as "dry" was to add more backbone to the world which i put in from Gobbi's description from the two lands, also the addition of a suspense scene giving the MC echoes of the future from people he hasnt met yet i feel like is a good hook.

I did skim some of pamela and clarissa books from richardson i'll keep reading although im not sure what to exactly look for.

I kind of? understand what you mean by slowing down during each moments scene i'm just not sure which or how to implement them.

I do enjoy the current overall narrative from my story and don't want to deviate from it, I think it will flow well with the overall roadmap i have for the MC and side characters.

I will also say me going back to revise everything gave me a really big boost of experience I feel like my character's are alot more fleshed out now and the scene's too (MC falling through the sky kinda like TotK opening where they can see the layout of the land) since the revision so i wanted to thank you again for doing this. I really appreciate your input.

 

[Lysander_Works]

Ok, I'm back. As I mentioned before, I was going to attempt to totally redo chapter 1, and so I have. Again, the purpose isn't to tell you to write exactly like this; it's instead to showcase an example of something more, scenic. Other small bits were changed here and there, such as possible character motivation arcs, but it doesn't have to change to that if you don't want it to. All I want you to do is observe some of the differences, but also give thought to how it makes you feel in each moment of the story context. ODT is attached.

 

[YusakuRay]

Ok, I'm back. As I mentioned before, I was going to attempt to totally redo chapter 1, and so I have. Again, the purpose isn't to tell you to write exactly like this; it's instead to showcase an example of something more, scenic. Other small bits were changed here and there, such as possible character motivation arcs, but it doesn't have to change to that if you don't want it to. All I want you to do is observe some of the differences, but also give thought to how it makes you feel in each moment of the story context. ODT is attached.

wow is the first thing i have to say after reading this, it was a bit hard to follow at first but then it started making sense and became really enjoyable to read. being able to see what would make you turn the page really gives me a mental image in my mind of what readers look for in a web novel I didn't expect to understand but this helps immensely, However now i'm unsure on what to do. I could revise it again but then my reader's would have to wait... i don't have many but I still want to deliver maybe I could revise it while chapters release then I'll eventually catch up (since its still early) or i could just scrap it and rewrite from the ground up but still follow the plot the same way using your writing as guide for both options I'll have to think about it. I truly appreciate your help so thank you again. I'll try and decide something something quickly... (probably the former?)

 

[Lysander_Works]

Gradual improvement to one's own writing skill takes time, sometimes years, and this is something which is unavoidable. It is a conundrum, and I would estimate that possibly half of your readerbase would rather wait for larger improvements while the other half would be impatient (simply because there are impatient people in the world). Usually there is always a split somewhere, so the decision you make would have to come from you and no one else exclusively.

That said, if I were reading an Isekai whether first time or not, I would wish to see high quality output and wait very patiently for more even if the drops take longer ~ that's just me I suppose; I am very picky about that when I read stories. The way it was before would surely have me turning away and looking elsewhere, and it probably wasn't easy to pin down an exact or specific reason because there were just so many. I hope I am not discouraging you with all of this. When I thought way back then that I was the best only to find out that I was not, strangely I was only more motivated to improve, and subsequently did, and continue to do so in the same kind of cycle, but this may just be a personal trait of mine.

Samuel Richardson wrote or helped to write "History of Young lady," and while I never finished it (it's labeled one of the longest books in the world), the diction and wordiness seemed to belong in such a way where I wanted to at least sound as elegant. It is only one of many examples, but immersing myself in really difficult to understand works was one of the ways I managed to improve on my own over the years.

If you just want to get the story out there as soon as possible though, I understand this too, and wish you luck in the writing process.

 

[SurfAngel_1031]

Hi, y'all I recently started writing and completed my Introduction of my novel, If you have time I'd like some feedback in these parts primarily

1. 1st chapter because I notice most read the first chapter and don't move on to the next would like to know you're impressions/opinions if I should edit names or if there's something else im missing to add or if it lacks something? or maybe im just overthinking it and its fine as is (I'm happy with it myself.)
2. anything to add to make it easier for readers to help them not get mixed up with another person talking or thinking (i'm not sure how I'd fix that. maybe something like "so and so says.")
3. would like to know how's the pacing or maybe wait for the next 8 chapters to know for sure not sure when first dungeon chapters are done in isekai's (thinking about uploading in 8 chapter intervals maybe 4 because i find myself rushing to upload a chapter on time when I was uploading the initial 8.)
4. Also does the Illustrations help visualize some of the scenes?
5. Punctuation/Grammar
6. Tips to help with writing fight scenes ( I think I struggle with not making it drawn out enough as it can be/cool)

thank you for taking the time to read my post. will do my best to reply.
-Saku
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/994407/my-eternal-afterlife/

I saw this thread and decided to take a look at Chapter 1 of your story.
I have a few things to point out.

First is that you have a few places of mixed tense. Overall, you stick to present tense, but in some of the thoughts you move to past tense.

“f-frog head?” The boy wraps his arms around his stomach in disbelief, only able to recall he's not from this world. Coughing, hearing a dying croak in his stomach as his face grows a sinking despair and looks up towards a monstrous hand. “I-impossible... no, no, no. you’re a goblin???” The boy starts crazily laughing. “this is a dream right? This can’t be real hahaha...” Then after a moment, he sighs looking down at the red sands, then the golden sea at the sunset realizing that this isn’t a dream thinking.

How did I get here? The last thing I remember was... I think falling? And then everything turned red... did I die?

The boy's deep in thought gets interrupted by a cough from Gobbi “Ahem” “Ah right I’m sorry Gobbi.” He shakes Gobbi’s hand “thanks for saving me sorry i was in shock before, I’m not from here… and I’ve never met a goblin before but it’s nice to meet you.” The boy says giving a slight smile.

This is just one little part. Before and after the thought bubble, the pattern appears to be present tense. The thought itself is past tense.
There are a few others.

A soft sea breeze cuts through the humid air as the sun sets on the horizon on the coastline as countless waves break in, pushing against the red sands.

Your opening sentence took me a few times to get through. Reworking it and giving each idea their own sentence with detail might work. You seem to be working with the "Humid air", the "sunset" on the coastline, and the countless waves and how that interacts with the red sand.
These are multiple things that can easily be expanded on and give the reader a better feel.

“How Interesting... In this war-torn land, miles and miles of sea lie ahead and yet this human ended up on this shore, how in the world...” The figure scratches their chin with their wrinkled deep green hands revealing they’re a goblin, they set down their backpack and unwrapping the seaweed covered human.

They start making a small remedy with some wild herbs crushing them with a handheld basin, he uses a small fire incantation to heat the basin, while pouring in a violet tonic and small creature to finish the brew. He then starts to wake up the human slapping his chest, the human awakens sporadically shooting out a spout of sewer water coughing trying to recover.

This set goes from "They" to "He" without any indication of of the goblin being a guy in the beginning. There is no need to hide the fact the goblin is a "he" because "he" pops out in the second sentence of the chapter. No need to mess with the "mystery". Commit to the gender and be done with it.

“It was nothing but how did you get here anyways, boy it really isn’t normal for a human to be on this side of the world.” Gobbi asks.

“About that... I’m still in a daze I can't seem to remember who I was, what I lived for, even my own namesake... Also I have no idea where this is or what region I’m even on...” The boy asks.

“Oh boy this might take awhile, tell you what, boy help me set up camp and I’ll tell ya, because if you don’t even know where we are, you’d be at the mercy of every living being here Keh. I wouldn’t want a potential customer to go dying me prematurely keh keh.”

Gobbi snickers a bit as he throws logs, tools, skewers and a casting net, Kosei sets the logs as Gobbi produces a small sphere from his pocket, marble like he drops it between the logs and a fire begins to start crackling. Once they're comfortable some time passes as Gobbi starts explaining.
"So this is Eterra... and this land is inhabited by both humans and monsters.” The boy says as he sits in silence taking in the view as Gobbi explains.

Okay, The highlights are just to point out what I struggled with.
When I use "Ask" there is a question attached to it. The two uses here, there is no question.
Next - The boy outright says he doesn't know where he is, and there is no mention of the planet name or part of the world until the boy says it? How does he know if he doesn't know where he is?
The last highlight just needs something else - its contradictory. Boy "says" but "sits in silence".

"Well... there's a little more to it than that boy, this land of boundless sorcery and power is admits a current power struggle between the current Devil King and the King of the land of humans. To tell you bluntly it's eat or be eaten... you should be thankful you ran into man rather than the albino goblin tribe. They massacre, pillage, and do horrid things to their inhabitants... That's just one example of this world on the human side from what I've heard they enslave any of their own kind if they have no intrinsic worth, even worse if they capture a monster they not only enslave them but force-feed them to keep them alive just barely enough to keep working for them." Gobbi quivers at the thought unsettled while the boy breaks out a cold sweat...

This is one run on sentence. Then at the end of the paragraph you don't need the three dots, you are not continuing Gobbi's thought/speech. Just a period. End the thought.

"See here boy, this is the land of Vharahel and here we are at the end of the continent along the nameless coast, and over on the other side of the continent is the Kingdom of Aramesir there is a body of water almost separating the continent, however there is this stretch of land the everyone is fighting for currently a 'No man's land' filled with crags and mountains being filled with countless bodies no clear victor can be seen.

This is another run on sentence. You could easily split this into sections while Gobbi talks and does little actions between the speech, like pointing out directions, drawing the concepts in the sand, anything.

Gobbi nods ands prepares an incantation while grabbing the boy's arm with is wrinkled aged hand sections of Gobbi's body start dimly glowing a faded blue, The boy mystified, notices a sort of gnawing at the front of his mind the magic becomes unstable as the boy's body not acclimated to magic his very soul and bones, become forcibly infused with magic while Gobbi's magic which is supposed to help him remember instead he hears echoes from a clouded visions in his mind.

Run on sentence. Much like above, I suggest splitting the ideas up and group them up so that each person has definitive actions.

The last two paragraphs are much the same way, but I think you have examples now.
I have faith that you can update the entire thing so it flows more naturally for your readers and gets your point across.

Be well!

 

[YusakuRay]

I saw this thread and decided to take a look at Chapter 1 of your story.
I have a few things to point out.

First is that you have a few places of mixed tense. Overall, you stick to present tense, but in some of the thoughts you move to past tense.

This is just one little part. Before and after the thought bubble, the pattern appears to be present tense. The thought itself is past tense.
There are a few others.


Your opening sentence took me a few times to get through. Reworking it and giving each idea their own sentence with detail might work. You seem to be working with the "Humid air", the "sunset" on the coastline, and the countless waves and how that interacts with the red sand.
These are multiple things that can easily be expanded on and give the reader a better feel.


This set goes from "They" to "He" without any indication of of the goblin being a guy in the beginning. There is no need to hide the fact the goblin is a "he" because "he" pops out in the second sentence of the chapter. No need to mess with the "mystery". Commit to the gender and be done with it.


Okay, The highlights are just to point out what I struggled with.
When I use "Ask" there is a question attached to it. The two uses here, there is no question.
Next - The boy outright says he doesn't know where he is, and there is no mention of the planet name or part of the world until the boy says it? How does he know if he doesn't know where he is?
The last highlight just needs something else - its contradictory. Boy "says" but "sits in silence".


This is one run on sentence. Then at the end of the paragraph you don't need the three dots, you are not continuing Gobbi's thought/speech. Just a period. End the thought.

This is another run on sentence. You could easily split this into sections while Gobbi talks and does little actions between the speech, like pointing out directions, drawing the concepts in the sand, anything.


Run on sentence. Much like above, I suggest splitting the ideas up and group them up so that each person has definitive actions.

The last two paragraphs are much the same way, but I think you have examples now.
I have faith that you can update the entire thing so it flows more naturally for your readers and gets your point across.

Be well!

Thank you so much for your comment I'll begin revising it immediately, I struggle a lot with run-on sentences lol but I think it's been getting better in recent chapter's? at least I hope i'm improving thanks again for the advice and help I'll be sure to keep improving my writing style and grammar as future chapters come out!

 

[SurfAngel_1031]

Thank you so much for your comment I'll begin revising it immediately, I struggle a lot with run-on sentences lol but I think it's been getting better in recent chapter's? at least I hope i'm improving thanks again for the advice and help I'll be sure to keep improving my writing style and grammar as future chapters come out!

I have faith that you can do it! Good luck.
If you have a specific chapter you would like me to take a look at, I will certainly do so. (When I have the time - I am writing my own things as well.)

 

[YusakuRay]

NEVER write your content in all caps, even if it is in quotations. It's lazy, lots of people don't like it.

Quick Question. Is there no time at all caps should be used like you said or say for example someone pleading for their life it could be used there or is it just a no-no overall. ( Also side update I feel my writing style is improving writing each chapter so thank you again I decided to update the previous chapters as I go. So I think all is well on that front.)

 

[SurfAngel_1031]

Quick Question. Is there no time at all caps should be used like you said or say for example someone pleading for their life it could be used there or is it just a no-no overall. ( Also side update I feel my writing style is improving writing each chapter so thank you again I decided to update the previous chapters as I go. So I think all is well on that front.)

While you weren't asking me directly, the question has me curious. Can you pop the example you want to use in the thread that way I can see what you want in all caps?
Thanks!

 

[YusakuRay]

While you weren't asking me directly, the question has me curious. Can you pop the example you want to use in the thread that way I can see what you want in all caps?
Thanks!

sure chapter's about to release in 30 mins so i dont mind but here I'll leave some context too

((("Believe me kid, I hate to kill prey we don't bother to eat, but I suppose there's something to be said about no witnesses. Right?" The other Ogre nods. "I'll make as painless as possible don't you worry." She reaches for her axe raising it in a black sheen using the back blunt side. The little girl's fleeting life flashes before her life, a time of happiness with a full family, a time of sorrow of only her and her sister as sole survivors from an attack, a time of worry as everyday her sister would come back to a well decorated room bloodsoaked and tired, a time where now she gained new friends in the townspeople who adored her. A promising future cut short, Analise screams out her last words.





"Help someone! Please help!" A harrowing cry. "Sister where are you!!! I need you-" A deafening silence fills the air as a black wind courses through the peaceful morning sky. As the ogre unburies her axe from her bludgeoned face looting what they can, leaving the near lifeless, body of a young girl braindead but still barely breathing holding on. The golem crawling with the last of its power after the ogre's leave Crawls to Analise in a vain attempt to protect her body from the boultures. saying with the last of its power. "Mayor. I'm sorry I could not complete my mission this vessel was found lacking strength and is not worthy to protect." It powers down for a finally time looking at its separated core and Analise's body as it's eye's become devoid of color.





The black crow laughs flying away.)))

The bold part idk how to highlight I'd think would be better in caps as she's full of terror but im not sure exactly if It will add to the depravity I want to show. thank you for your response by the way.
added some more

sure chapter's about to release in 30 mins so i dont mind but here I'll leave some context too

((("Believe me kid, I hate to kill prey we don't bother to eat, but I suppose there's something to be said about no witnesses. Right?" The other Ogre nods. "I'll make as painless as possible don't you worry." She reaches for her axe raising it in a black sheen using the back blunt side. The little girl's fleeting life flashes before her life, a time of happiness with a full family, a time of sorrow of only her and her sister as sole survivors from an attack, a time of worry as everyday her sister would come back to a well decorated room bloodsoaked and tired, a time where now she gained new friends in the townspeople who adored her. A promising future cut short, Analise screams out her last words.





"Help someone! Please help!" A harrowing cry. "Sister where are you!!! I need you-" A deafening silence fills the air as a black wind courses through the peaceful morning sky. As the ogre unburies her axe from her bludgeoned face looting what they can, leaving the near lifeless, body of a young girl braindead but still barely breathing holding on. The golem crawling with the last of its power after the ogre's leave Crawls to Analise in a vain attempt to protect her body from the boultures. saying with the last of its power. "Mayor. I'm sorry I could not complete my mission this vessel was found lacking strength and is not worthy to protect." It powers down for a finally time looking at its separated core and Analise's body as it's eye's become devoid of color.





The black crow laughs flying away.)))

The bold part idk how to highlight I'd think would be better in caps as she's full of terror but im not sure exactly if It will add to the depravity I want to show. thank you for your response by the way.

added more context

 

[SurfAngel_1031]

sure chapter's about to release in 30 mins so i dont mind but here I'll leave some context too

((("Believe me kid, I hate to kill prey we don't bother to eat, but I suppose there's something to be said about no witnesses. Right?" The other Ogre nods. "I'll make as painless as possible don't you worry." She reaches for her axe raising it in a black sheen using the back blunt side. The little girl's fleeting life flashes before her life, a time of happiness with a full family, a time of sorrow of only her and her sister as sole survivors from an attack, a time of worry as everyday her sister would come back to a well decorated room bloodsoaked and tired, a time where now she gained new friends in the townspeople who adored her. A promising future cut short, Analise screams out her last words.





"Help someone! Please help!" A harrowing cry. "Sister where are you!!! I need you-" A deafening silence fills the air as a black wind courses through the peaceful morning sky. As the ogre unburies her axe from her bludgeoned face looting what they can, leaving the near lifeless, body of a young girl braindead but still barely breathing holding on. The golem crawling with the last of its power after the ogre's leave Crawls to Analise in a vain attempt to protect her body from the boultures. saying with the last of its power. "Mayor. I'm sorry I could not complete my mission this vessel was found lacking strength and is not worthy to protect." It powers down for a finally time looking at its separated core and Analise's body as it's eye's become devoid of color.





The black crow laughs flying away.)))

The bold part idk how to highlight I'd think would be better in caps as she's full of terror but im not sure exactly if It will add to the depravity I want to show. thank you for your response by the way.
added some more

added more context

What you have highlighted is just fine without the caps. If anything use it very sparingly if you do use all caps. Mainly because it's pulls the reader from anything else you've written. I'd also pull the extra exclamation points. One is you you need for it. It's better to write out the fear and horror rather than try and rely on a trick to do the job.

In fact, the last line of the first paragraph "A promising future cut short..." Sounds like it should be the first line of her panic. It combines the thought and is about the person in question. Adds depth to the second paragraph.

That first paragraph has a run-on, "The little girls fleeting life..."

"Deafening silence"? Not a fan of that combination.

Anyways, I strayed from the point. That line you highlighted is fine without the caps, let the exclamation mark(s) do their job.

Be well!

 

[YusakuRay]

What you have highlighted is just fine without the caps. If anything use it very sparingly if you do use all caps. Mainly because it's pulls the reader from anything else you've written. I'd also pull the extra exclamation points. One is you you need for it. It's better to write out the fear and horror rather than try and rely on a trick to do the job.

In fact, the last line of the first paragraph "A promising future cut short..." Sounds like it should be the first line of her panic. It combines the thought and is about the person in question. Adds depth to the second paragraph.

That first paragraph has a run-on, "The little girls fleeting life..."

"Deafening silence"? Not a fan of that combination.

Anyways, I strayed from the point. That line you highlighted is fine without the caps, let the exclamation mark(s) do their job.

Be well!

would uncanny be a better word than deafening? I also already revised what you suggested just now. thank you again. might just stick with "Silence...etc"

 

[SurfAngel_1031]

would uncanny be a better word than deafening? I also already revised what you suggested just now. thank you again. might just stick with "Silence...etc"

If it were me since the whole thing is before she dies, I'd go with something like :

unnerving silence or the like. If you want, just using silence works as well. It's about what you want to convey :)