For reaching larger audience you need to:
1. Split the chapters 2~2.5k is the max
2. Add more tags (and genres if possible)
Otherwise the intro seemed a bit unnecessarily long. And this is just a me thing, but I'd highly suggest not mixing multiple/different POVs in the same paragraph. Here for example, instead of this:
“Stop daydreaming, Tolan. Focus on the task at hand.” The voice cut through his mind and shattered the mental images. Tolan turned to the source of the voice and saw Matheus’ hand gently push him away from his thoughts.
It'd be like this:
“Stop daydreaming, Tolan. Focus on the task at hand.” The voice cut through his mind and shattered the mental images.
Tolan turned to the source of the voice and saw Matheus’ hand gently push him away from his thoughts.
Another example:
Matheus didn’t look to Tolan to deliver his reply. His gaze lay affixed to their target.
“They sometimes still do. But I reckon it’s out of jealousy. We were the youngest Junior Mages in a century, no? And anyway, I’ve always thought this about the mundanes and us.” He smiled in response. If he felt unhappy about how his ‘friends’ treated him, Tolan couldn’t see that on him. He was all smiles and laughter. Like always. But some aspect of him had changed. An Important part of him.
Matheus didn’t look to Tolan to deliver his reply. His gaze lay affixed to their target. “They sometimes still do. But I reckon it’s out of jealousy. We were the youngest Junior Mages in a century, no? And anyway, I’ve always thought this about the mundanes and us.” He smiled in response.
If he felt unhappy about how his ‘friends’ treated him, Tolan couldn’t see that on him. He was all smiles and laughter. Like always. But some aspect of him had changed. An Important part of him.
And I'm not really sure how they're talking so clearly in a 'cloud of people' and 'cacophony of shouts'. The first half of the first chapter was very info-dumpy. I don't care about the characters yet why would I care about their backgrounds?
Onto the writing itself, there are tense issues, run-ons, and incomplete sentences, all of which could be fixed with Grammarly. The dialogue needs some work too. Otherwise, the writing is alright for the most part.
