Feedback/Reviews

[Rudexvirus]

Hey guys :D

My story has been coming out for a bit over a week now, with a part released each day.

I was wondering if anyone would be up for maybe trading feedback/reviews.


I have plenty of room to improve, and the story has a while before it comes to the conclusion.

The eyes would be greatly appreciated, and I am more than willing to return the favor. :)


Link: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/27365/visiting-an-old-one/

 

[zeryn]

Hi Rudexvirus, just something I have noticed from reading the first chapter. I feel like the usage of asterisks to denote an emphasis, especially while in a quote, seems clunky. For example, “You know that Earth’s rocket ships actually crash land *every single time* they come back into their own atmosphere?” Bria asked her companions.

I think using italics would be less clunky. “You know that Earth’s rocket ships actually crash land every single time they come back into their own atmosphere?” Bria asked her companions.

Though, I am a new writer, but also as a reader that is what I feel.

 

[Rudexvirus]

Ahhh, you know- that is a big oversight kn my part.

I hate to admit that I didnt notice, but it was originally written for markdown that would have turned the astricks into italics.

I will go through and try to fix those.

Thank you!

 

[JustHANO]

For me atleast, what keeps me in the story for a horror/mysterious show/story is the character. Your characters seem far enough away from basic trope characters but I have no connection to them. I feel this is coming from a few places.

The view point is a narrator who mainly following Dash, therefore his perception of his team is being cast on us. Instead of diving in the thoughts of Bria and tay(I forgot her name and I'm on a phone) we're forming our relationship with them from Dashs pov. This is fine, but i feel we need more interactions for me to really care about them or a different pov where we can see their thoughts as well.

There's no description of how the characters looks. This is very important for me to feel anything in a story. I need to be able to visualize them because i come from a mainly media watching background.

Other than that and some werid choices like zeryn pointed out (also "He liked being left out less than he liked going on their ridiculous adventures" is the most brain twisting way to say that) it seems fine. To go above average i feel you should take the opportunity in chapter 1 to describe more things. Have some fish come up to him. He's scared to jump, why. He was at the back of the line, did he see his mates swim confidently towards the unknown. Stuff like that.

 

[Rudexvirus]

For me atleast, what keeps me in the story for a horror/mysterious show/story is the character. Your characters seem far enough away from basic trope characters but I have no connection to them. I feel this is coming from a few places.

The view point is a narrator who mainly following Dash, therefore his perception of his team is being cast on us. Instead of diving in the thoughts of Bria and tay(I forgot her name and I'm on a phone) we're forming our relationship with them from Dashs pov. This is fine, but i feel we need more interactions for me to really care about them or a different pov where we can see their thoughts as well.

There's no description of how the characters looks. This is very important for me to feel anything in a story. I need to be able to visualize them because i come from a mainly media watching background.

Other than that and some werid choices like zeryn pointed out (also "He liked being left out less than he liked going on their ridiculous adventures" is the most brain twisting way to say that) it seems fine. To go above average i feel you should take the opportunity in chapter 1 to describe more things. Have some fish come up to him. He's scared to jump, why. He was at the back of the line, did he see his mates swim confidently towards the unknown. Stuff like that.

Thank you for your thoughts!!

I have gone through and fixed all of the Italics ** issue I could find, so hopefully, those look better.

I will need to have a proper read through for tricky sentences like that, I am sure one or two more are written awkwardly.

On the issue of descriptions, I am afraid that's part of how I write. I don't write a lot of physical descriptions unless it really pulls the story forward, and in most situations, it just doesn't for me. I also left the descriptions of the cast vague for a reason.

They aren't human. They are aliens coming to earth that later get discovered. They get more descriptions through the eyes of the locals sort-to-speak.

So the adventure is told through Dash's eyes. He knows these girls, he knows how they think and he doesn't often think about how they look or what they may be doing. It's second nature to him. I think its also important to the story that its told through the Main character when we are with him. While the story does include a perspective shift later, it still looks on at Talyn and Bria from the outside. They are important, but keeping their actions visible to others and their motivations hidden is a tool used for tension and plot and character development.

The way the story is built, giving them chapters inside their head would take away from all of that.

 

[JustHANO]

Yes by all means, dont feel the need to build around my opinion. I'm glad there's more of a reason why you're not describing them than just writing preference tho. I would suggest putting that part in spoilers tho, dont wanna ruin that twist for your readers who may come across this thread.

 

[Phantomheart]

Hey guys :D

My story has been coming out for a bit over a week now, with a part released each day.

I was wondering if anyone would be up for maybe trading feedback/reviews.


I have plenty of room to improve, and the story has a while before it comes to the conclusion.

The eyes would be greatly appreciated, and I am more than willing to return the favor. :)


Link: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/27365/visiting-an-old-one/

Notes on Visiting an Old One
Chapter I
The start of the story threw me off, I had imagined some type of mystical or advanced introduction to the world at hand, establishing some type of intrigue withe the reader to the story, but it started off a bit rushed. There was no hook, not that every story needs one, but the story just jumps straight in with no exposition, and while exposition can always be provided later in the chapter, the way the chapter started without any introduction to the events or characters at hand was quite jarring.

It seems that you didn't know how to begin writing your story, I'd suggest having a general idea or outline of you you want your chapter to go that way you can add in details as you go, and smoothen transitions between scenes and character actions. The beginning seemed unplanned, almost improvised with how short and stark it is in detail compared to the rest of the chapter.

You go into generous amount of detail about the crew's surroundings later in the chapter, but that type of flow is lacking n the beginning of the story, making it seem lack luster. You also start off with dialogue from a character that isn't our main protagonist, or at least the character whose thoughts we can actually look into.

The story seems abrupt, as if you didn't write everything you wanted to say to introduce the story. It leaves me with a lot of questions, which is good and bad. Questions intrigue the reader and makes them want to continue reading in order to quench their thirst, but too many questions can just become plot holes and confuse the reader, which the first chapter did to me.

What were they looking for? (You mentioned this in the story description but the description isn't the story and is not your introduction, it's a hook separate from your story, so it should be treated as such).

Who are these kids? (There are no introductions, and we only learn who is our main protagonist through the omniscient thoughts of Dash a couple of lines down the chapter. Human impressions are made in the first five seconds of interaction, and you don't introduce this main character until past that, even if someone is speed reading. This chapter reads as if it's a chapter way ahead in the story instead of the very first).

What is the setting? It seems scientific, but who, what, and where is this? (You established a sci-fi setting through the first line of dialogue, which is great! But then you go on about the Great Old Ones, which we -- the readers -- have no idea about. You establish a setting but you introduce characters without any background, as if the reader is supposed to know them already.

Overall the first chapter seemed rushed, and while your writing probably evolves and changes further along the story, you need a stable foundation for your first chapter, otherwise readers become disinterested, and in my case get too confused and halt reading further. You need to establish a connection with the reader to the story, not just rush into it, expecting the reader to follow along. It's like getting a dog to trust you, you need to let the dog sniff your hand, test the waters, get to know you, and so on -- writing a story that gives no context to the reader makes no sense, just like throwing something at a random dog and expecting them to go fetch.

 

[Rudexvirus]

Notes on Visiting an Old One
Chapter I
The start of the story threw me off, I had imagined some type of mystical or advanced introduction to the world at hand, establishing some type of intrigue withe the reader to the story, but it started off a bit rushed. There was no hook, not that every story needs one, but the story just jumps straight in with no exposition, and while exposition can always be provided later in the chapter, the way the chapter started without any introduction to the events or characters at hand was quite jarring.

It seems that you didn't know how to begin writing your story, I'd suggest having a general idea or outline of you you want your chapter to go that way you can add in details as you go, and smoothen transitions between scenes and character actions. The beginning seemed unplanned, almost improvised with how short and stark it is in detail compared to the rest of the chapter.

You go into generous amount of detail about the crew's surroundings later in the chapter, but that type of flow is lacking n the beginning of the story, making it seem lack luster. You also start off with dialogue from a character that isn't our main protagonist, or at least the character whose thoughts we can actually look into.

The story seems abrupt, as if you didn't write everything you wanted to say to introduce the story. It leaves me with a lot of questions, which is good and bad. Questions intrigue the reader and makes them want to continue reading in order to quench their thirst, but too many questions can just become plot holes and confuse the reader, which the first chapter did to me.

What were they looking for? (You mentioned this in the story description but the description isn't the story and is not your introduction, it's a hook separate from your story, so it should be treated as such).

Who are these kids? (There are no introductions, and we only learn who is our main protagonist through the omniscient thoughts of Dash a couple of lines down the chapter. Human impressions are made in the first five seconds of interaction, and you don't introduce this main character until past that, even if someone is speed reading. This chapter reads as if it's a chapter way ahead in the story instead of the very first).

What is the setting? It seems scientific, but who, what, and where is this? (You established a sci-fi setting through the first line of dialogue, which is great! But then you go on about the Great Old Ones, which we -- the readers -- have no idea about. You establish a setting but you introduce characters without any background, as if the reader is supposed to know them already.

Overall the first chapter seemed rushed, and while your writing probably evolves and changes further along the story, you need a stable foundation for your first chapter, otherwise readers become disinterested, and in my case get too confused and halt reading further. You need to establish a connection with the reader to the story, not just rush into it, expecting the reader to follow along. It's like getting a dog to trust you, you need to let the dog sniff your hand, test the waters, get to know you, and so on -- writing a story that gives no context to the reader makes no sense, just like throwing something at a random dog and expecting them to go fetch.

Wow, thank you for the time you spent here, I really appreciate it.

I don't tend to think about adding a lot of background to the top of my stories. I really wanted to throw the reader into the action and get the story started.

I will go to the drawing board and perhaps I can come up with a prologue that will help solve some of those issues without fussing with the pace of the first chapter. Will come back to ya when I get that sorted. :D

Did you find it too rushed to move on to other chapters? Too difficult to get invested when you didn't think you had the information you wanted?

 

[Rudexvirus]

I am finishing up this story, and was wondering if anyone else would be kind enough to provide feedback.

I am making changes before I call it polished and would love the eyes. I am willing to read/review/rate in return. :)

 

[AweksLear]

Its has an interesting start and other than some odd phrases, is pleasant to read.

My main problem with the story is that none of the characters really have any agency. The main cast meets the old one and gets caught by the G-Man and let go. They don't really get to do anything. This causes the story to lose momentum part way through.

The horror vibe from the start is also lost because G-Man works out the mystery too easily and the main cast are never in any real danger. The actual interesting stuff only happens after the cast leaves the stage.

Its an ok experience but feels incomplete, like its an extended prologue to the real story.

Please give me your thoughts on my story as well. https://www.scribblehub.com/series/16811/relevance-and-a-world-flying-off-the-tracks/

Thank you.

 

[Kotohood]

I saw that the story is done so I might give it a read tonight, I'll drop you a feed back when I'm done reading it.

 

[Rudexvirus]

Its has an interesting start and other than some odd phrases, is pleasant to read.

My main problem with the story is that none of the characters really have any agency. The main cast meets the old one and gets caught by the G-Man and let go. They don't really get to do anything. This causes the story to lose momentum part way through.

The horror vibe from the start is also lost because G-Man works out the mystery too easily and the main cast are never in any real danger. The actual interesting stuff only happens after the cast leaves the stage.

Its an ok experience but feels incomplete, like its an extended prologue to the real story.

Please give me your thoughts on my story as well. https://www.scribblehub.com/series/16811/relevance-and-a-world-flying-off-the-tracks/

Thank you.

I appreciate the time you took! I will make sure to look at your story ASAP.

I made notes about them working out the mystery/needing danger, and I was tinkering with more at the end as well to show some more action. Good to know what direction I need to take it.