Feedback Trade: Synopsis and First Chapter

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Deleted member 29081

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I'll give feedback on the synopsis and first chapter of one of your stories in exchange for feedback on the synopsis and first chapter of mine.

Link to my story: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/290553/death-drive/

5/26/2021 Update​

Please post the works you want me to review first. I might not have the time or interest to review every work that comes up on this thread. If I do, it would be nice to get feedback on my story, but only AFTER I've given feedback on yours.
 
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D

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I read both entries. Unfortunately, I’m not really a fan of these types of stories, so I can’t give you accurate feedback.

Some general nitpicks I have, though, are the meaningless descriptions of color and the wording.

Example:
A girl, a simple female on the cozy bed, yawned, having her thin hands stretched out at the ceiling. Her unique fuchsia eyes glanced around the room, viewing the tedious white walls and ceiling, a hint of purple blended.
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Personally, I would change it to this.
Resting on a cozy bed, a girl yawned and stretched her arms out towards the ceiling. Her eyes, which beheld the highly unique color of fuchsia, scanned her surroundings. In doing so, she established that, in contrast to her unconventional eye color, her walls and ceiling were merely a dull white (with only a hint of purple, blended into the hue, to break the blandness).
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Then maybe you could use that to segue to the fact that the room was bought and paid for by her parents and how, if she had her way, her room would be more colorful and exciting.

Other than grammar, the story is alright from an objectivist perspective. As for the synopsis, I think it does a good job in explaining what the reader is in for.

The title is grammatically incorrect: “The Final Boss Resets You” not “The Final Boss Reset You”.

If you would let me tweak the synopsis a bit, you can accept or decline these design changes.


“MUFUFUFU~! You have entered the final level of this world, the Demon Lord’s Domain! And I congratulate you for making it this far. However, I have never been beaten before, and the reason why is because I am the almighty final boss: here and now, ready to return you to the start!”

These are the last words the Hero hears before his stats are reset and he is returned back to the beginning of the game. “What a horrible feature!” the hero laments. “What made the developers think it was a good idea to put this in the game!?”

Except, it’s not a feature.

Meet Nameiko Lessime (pen name: Nameless), a young girl assigned to be the final boss of a VRMMORPG game—NOT! She has, in fact, hacked the game, making her character into the demon lord. And now, she spends her days sadistically resetting the progress of anyone who has the misfortune of arriving at her doorstep.

Will the Hero ever be able to beat her?

“As the final boss, I reset you!”
 
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Tyhond

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deu6 said:
“MUFUFUFU~! You have entered the final level of this world, the Demon Lord’s Domain! And I congratulate you for making it this far. However, I have never been beaten before, and the reason why is because I am the almighty final boss: here and now, ready to return you to the start!”

These are the last words the Hero hears before his stats are reset and he is returned back to the beginning of the game. “What a horrible feature!” the hero laments. “What made the developers think it was a good idea to put this in the game!?”

Except, it’s not a feature.

Meet Nameiko Lessime (pen name: Nameless), a young girl assigned to be the final boss of a VRMMORPG game—NOT! She has, in fact, hacked the game, making her character into the demon lord. And now, she spends her days sadistically resetting the progress of anyone who has the misfortune of arriving at her doorstep.

Will the Hero ever be able to beat her?

“As the final boss, I reset you!”
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I'll accept it! :3
 
YuriDoggo

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Synopsis:
This isn't the type of story I like to read, so keep in mind what point of view I'm coming from.

I think the synopsis would be more engaging if you gave the organization a name. Like,
However, those plans were ruined when a group of spirits calling themselves the Death Row abducted...
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since it gives them a face. Or:
However, those plans were ruined when a group of spirits abducted and forced him to join their organization: Death Row, where they solve crimes and mysteries for other spirits.
Click to expand...
Also, you're being a bit redundant by combining "Not remembering anything" and "amnesiac." You can replace amnesiac with "nameless."

-------------------------------------

As a whole, the story wasn't appealing to me at first blush (since the tags wasn't to my liking), and the synopsis didn't jump out at me.

However, as I read it over again, I found that it was kind of interesting, with Bungo Stray Dogs vibes (try to check out the synopsis for that as a reference?). I became interested in what the afterlife was like, and what the other spirits were like.

What I wasn't interested in was the protagonist, since he's faceless except for his debauchery. I don't know what's special about him, I don't know why he's kidnapped. He needs to be sold to the audience as something worth reading more about.


Chapter 1:
Right off the bat, the protagonist has a "give no fucks" personality, which isn't bad. But still, not my type, as I'm not really a fan of pervert. Really interesting though, and assuming I do like perverts, his unashamed peeking is golden.

His reaction to the "tall, buff dude" is funny too, although "Stop, you idiot" needs an exclamation mark.

I could really use elaboration on the nightmarish appearance.

Reading on, it's hilarious. The egg is funny, trolling the protagonist, and even though I don't like the protagonist all that much, I might stick around for the egg. Might. I'll read the next chapter and see if I like it, but that's no longer in the scope of this.

-------

This is no Bungo Stray Dogs, but it's still really funny. The writing clear and the egg is quite charming. Depending on the reader (not me) the protagonist is really funny and fun to read about, so if you're reaching the right audience the first chapter is probably a 4.5/5, while for me it was personally 3/5 simply because the protagonist doesn't appeal (for reasons mentioned above).

I like it so far.
My story is in my signature.
 
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TypeAxiom said:
Synopsis:
This isn't the type of story I like to read, so keep in mind what point of view I'm coming from.

I think the synopsis would be more engaging if you gave the organization a name. Like,

since it gives them a face. Or:

Also, you're being a bit redundant by combining "Not remembering anything" and "amnesiac." You can replace amnesiac with "nameless."

-------------------------------------

As a whole, the story wasn't appealing to me at first blush (since the tags wasn't to my liking), and the synopsis didn't jump out at me.

However, as I read it over again, I found that it was kind of interesting, with Bungo Stray Dogs vibes (try to check out the synopsis for that as a reference?). I became interested in what the afterlife was like, and what the other spirits were like.

What I wasn't interested in was the protagonist, since he's faceless except for his debauchery. I don't know what's special about him, I don't know why he's kidnapped. He needs to be sold to the audience as something worth reading more about.


Chapter 1:
Right off the bat, the protagonist has a "give no fucks" personality, which isn't bad. But still, not my type, as I'm not really a fan of pervert. Really interesting though, and assuming I do like perverts, his unashamed peeking is golden.

His reaction to the "tall, buff dude" is funny too, although "Stop, you idiot" needs an exclamation mark.

I could really use elaboration on the nightmarish appearance.

Reading on, it's hilarious. The egg is funny, trolling the protagonist, and even though I don't like the protagonist all that much, I might stick around for the egg. Might. I'll read the next chapter and see if I like it, but that's no longer in the scope of this.

-------

This is no Bungo Stray Dogs, but it's still really funny. The writing clear and the egg is quite charming. Depending on the reader (not me) the protagonist is really funny and fun to read about, so if you're reaching the right audience the first chapter is probably a 4.5/5, while for me it was personally 3/5 simply because the protagonist doesn't appeal (for reasons mentioned above).

I like it so far.
My story is in my signature.
Click to expand...
Thank you for the feedback. If there's any counter-feedback I have, it's the request for elaboration on the "nightmarish appearance".

When writing a first-person story, I like to tap fully into the perspective of the POV character. My philosophy is to write it as if the character themselves are writing the story, or better yet, experiencing it in real-time.

Now, some characters might take the time to describe, in full detail, what is happening for the benefit of the reader, but my character is clearly not in the department of descriptive story-telling. He curses, he insults, and, most importantly, he lies. When writing this story, I choose my wording based on how someone with that personality would react in any given situation. I don't think it would make sense, both character and plot-wise, for Pitch to stop and describe the monster, especially when he's just been stabbed, in full professional detail. His personality is more simplistic and to the point.

Other than that, your feedback is spot-on and I've changed my synopsis in response.
 
Snusmumriken

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deu6 said:
Thank you for the feedback. If there's any counter-feedback I have, it's the request for elaboration on the "nightmarish appearance".

When writing a first-person story, I like to tap fully into the perspective of the POV character. My philosophy is to write it as if the character themselves are writing the story, or better yet, experiencing it in real-time.

Now, some characters might take the time to describe, in full detail, what is happening for the benefit of the reader, but my character is clearly not in the department of descriptive story-telling. He curses, he insults, and, most importantly, he lies. When writing this story, I choose my wording based on how someone with that personality would react in any given situation. I don't think it would make sense, both character and plot-wise, for Pitch to stop and describe the monster, especially when he's just been stabbed, in full professional detail. His personality is more simplistic and to the point.

Other than that, your feedback is spot-on and I've changed my synopsis in response.
Click to expand...

imho if a character sees something so out of this world his mind might try to describe it with the most vivid but completely unrelated examples.

For example - his eyes looked like rotten apples; a carpet of tendrils surrounded its mouth, twitching and moving, always hungry. always seeking more.

That little bit of the off detail adds a tiny step in dissonance, possibly making the scene a bit eerier.



.
 
YuriDoggo

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deu6 said:
Thank you for the feedback. If there's any counter-feedback I have, it's the request for elaboration on the "nightmarish appearance".

When writing a first-person story, I like to tap fully into the perspective of the POV character. My philosophy is to write it as if the character themselves are writing the story, or better yet, experiencing it in real-time.

Now, some characters might take the time to describe, in full detail, what is happening for the benefit of the reader, but my character is clearly not in the department of descriptive story-telling. He curses, he insults, and, most importantly, he lies. When writing this story, I choose my wording based on how someone with that personality would react in any given situation. I don't think it would make sense, both character and plot-wise, for Pitch to stop and describe the monster, especially when he's just been stabbed, in full professional detail. His personality is more simplistic and to the point.

Other than that, your feedback is spot-on and I've changed my synopsis in response.
Click to expand...
As Snusmumriken said, you can add a bit of description without it being out of character for such an urgent and panicked situation. Nightmarish doesn't say much and leaves the reader (me at least) wanting.
Also, I love the new synopsis a lot more. It feels a lot more active, and there's a lot more information but doesn't feel all that busy.
 
Tyhond

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TypeAxiom said:
I don't tend to like non GxG content, but I did look at your synopsis and I think it's well done. However, I don't think you're talking about a pen name, but rather In-game Name (IGN).
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It is a pen name, her In-Game name is titled as "Demon Lord"
 
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TypeAxiom said:
So what happened to doing the feedback trade? I gave feedback on your story, and now it's your turn, no?
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I’ll get it done. I had work today, so I couldn’t do it till now.
TypeAxiom said:
So what happened to doing the feedback trade? I gave feedback on your story, and now it's your turn, no?
Click to expand...
You can take, change or leave this version of your synopsis:

Erika is a simple village girl, bound to the whims of those around her. Her greatest wish is to break free from the puppet strings that restrain her and to take her fate into her own hands.

Marian is a traveling Rover, afflicted with wanderlust. Having lost those she loved on the battlefield, she travels from place to place, trying to fill the emptiness inside her. When she encounters Erika trying to find freedom from the shackles she was born into, she extends her hand in aid.

Awakened to a new strength with the help of a benevolent stranger, Erika resolves to cast off her shackles, lead her own life as she pleases, and make her mark on a world bigger than herself. This time, the one who holds the strings will be her.

Chapter 1 Impressions:

The story premise is not really my cup of tea, so take my feedback with a grain of salt.

Grammar: A+ as far as this site is concerned.

Plot: For the first chapter, I don't know if you want to start from the point of view of Marian. According to your synopsis, Erika is a sheltered girl. Her lack of knowledge of the world would be better suited for the initial part of the story since the readers themselves don't know anything about the setting. If you want to start anywhere other than that, then I'd make the beginning your prologue and keep it shorter.

Characters: I have a fairly good understanding of the characters and relationships from this chapter, so that was done right. Nothing else to say here.

Overall: I wish you luck with this story.
 
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