First Chapter Feedback - Story: The Children of the Divine Limit

[Icanica]

I have been writing for some time already but I decided to get some feedback on my first chapter which I recently reworked. The important part is whether you would keep reading the story after reading the first chapter and how I could improve the first chapter to make it easier for people to start reading the second chapter.

Synopsis taken from the novel page:
Ajax and Shaula are two young adults with a very deep friendship.

One day, in the final semester of their high school, the Supreme God Oromasdes appears before Ajax and Shaula with the message that He is summoning the two of them along with their entire classroom to another world called Omicron to be heroes, with the promise that Ajax and Shaula will return in a few decades.

Ajax is being ripped away from his mom, dad and his sister Rita. Shaula, who has no one beloved except Ajax, has to protect him in this new world while awaiting their homecoming.

Their mission given to them by Omicron, specifically the Holy Sapioran Federation representing the human race, is to help the humans fight against the demons who have launched an annihilation campaign against humanity.

Unlike their classmates, neither of them have received the divine protection of the Hero, resulting in a hell beyond their imagining. Nevertheless, the providence that both Ajax and Shaula have received from Oromasdes has yet to fully reveal itself.

The world of Omicron they've been summoned to is extremely complex with a rich history. They aren't in a video game or a dream.

Their feelings of pain are real. Their feelings of sorrow are real. Their feelings of love are also real. Their effect on the new world is real and tangible. People live and die here just like back home. There are racial and class struggles even here, especially here. Conversely, the emotions and pain that their enemies and friends feel are also real.

Shaula is committed to surviving with Ajax until the promised day when both of them can return. Ajax wishes to protect the people he can reach and make it back to his family.

So long as they have each other, they'll live...

But at what cost?

IMPORTANT:
Try to bear with me through my slow pacing in the prologue because there is a lot of stuff there that will be explored in the rest of this very long and intricate story. In case, you've reached Chapter 9, I recommend continuing through chapter 10 and 11 to really see if you're interested in where I'm taking this story. I'll be posting those today Wednesday, June 9th, 2021

<<----- I will be posting chapters daily around 8:30pm EST. Chapters will be between 1200 - 2000 words on average. I will notify everyone if I need longer to write the daily chapter. ----->>

Give me comments if you can! I'd love to know how I could improve my writing style! Be warned, there will be lots of sexually explicit, gruesome, gory and disturbing scenes. The writing will be 18+.

Also posted on RoyalRoad, here is my profile there: https://www.royalroad.com/profile/228574/fictions

The cover is taken from a website called This Waifu Does Not Exist (Google it, all anime girls there are public domain) and heavily edited by myself. Let me know how it is!

https://www.scribblehub.com/read/286360-the-children-of-the-divine-limit/chapter/286361/

 

[SailusGebel]

I have been writing for some time already but I decided to get some feedback on my first chapter which I recently reworked. The important part is whether you would keep reading the story after reading the first chapter and how I could improve the first chapter to make it easier for people to start reading the second chapter.

Synopsis taken from the novel page:
Ajax and Shaula are two young adults with a very deep friendship.

One day, in the final semester of their high school, the Supreme God Oromasdes appears before Ajax and Shaula with the message that He is summoning the two of them along with their entire classroom to another world called Omicron to be heroes, with the promise that Ajax and Shaula will return in a few decades.

Ajax is being ripped away from his mom, dad and his sister Rita. Shaula, who has no one beloved except Ajax, has to protect him in this new world while awaiting their homecoming.

Their mission given to them by Omicron, specifically the Holy Sapioran Federation representing the human race, is to help the humans fight against the demons who have launched an annihilation campaign against humanity.

Unlike their classmates, neither of them have received the divine protection of the Hero, resulting in a hell beyond their imagining. Nevertheless, the providence that both Ajax and Shaula have received from Oromasdes has yet to fully reveal itself.

The world of Omicron they've been summoned to is extremely complex with a rich history. They aren't in a video game or a dream.

Their feelings of pain are real. Their feelings of sorrow are real. Their feelings of love are also real. Their effect on the new world is real and tangible. People live and die here just like back home. There are racial and class struggles even here, especially here. Conversely, the emotions and pain that their enemies and friends feel are also real.

Shaula is committed to surviving with Ajax until the promised day when both of them can return. Ajax wishes to protect the people he can reach and make it back to his family.

So long as they have each other, they'll live...

But at what cost?

IMPORTANT:
Try to bear with me through my slow pacing in the prologue because there is a lot of stuff there that will be explored in the rest of this very long and intricate story. In case, you've reached Chapter 9, I recommend continuing through chapter 10 and 11 to really see if you're interested in where I'm taking this story. I'll be posting those today Wednesday, June 9th, 2021

<<----- I will be posting chapters daily around 8:30pm EST. Chapters will be between 1200 - 2000 words on average. I will notify everyone if I need longer to write the daily chapter. ----->>

Give me comments if you can! I'd love to know how I could improve my writing style! Be warned, there will be lots of sexually explicit, gruesome, gory and disturbing scenes. The writing will be 18+.

Also posted on RoyalRoad, here is my profile there: https://www.royalroad.com/profile/228574/fictions

The cover is taken from a website called This Waifu Does Not Exist (Google it, all anime girls there are public domain) and heavily edited by myself. Let me know how it is!

https://www.scribblehub.com/read/286360-the-children-of-the-divine-limit/chapter/286361/

I won't continue reading this story. In fact, I barely finished the first chapter. I can't say much about the story(plot) itself, as I can't force myself into reading it. Your story simply doesn't suit my taste.

As for the technical aspect, it got better but still lacking. I know you might think that I deliberately find fault with your writing, but I absolutely don't. I, myself, spent hours, I mean a minimum of three-four hours a day editing a single chapter. So, the moment anyone said that I had a LOT of mistakes, I brushed them off. I knew that I would inevitably leave one-two mistakes and a few typos. That's why I didn't bother to listen to the few and rare comments that stated I made lots of mistakes. Yet the moment I go back and edit previously written chapters, I see how MANY mistakes there were.

I would advise you to go through more thorough editing. By editing, I mean fixing typos, grammar, and most importantly fix your punctuation! Without commas, the meaning of a sentence may change to the polar opposite. I copypasted your text into Grammarly and saw that there were around 200 mistakes. Almost half of these mistakes are due to your punctuation.

 

[Icanica]

I won't continue reading this story. In fact, I barely finished the first chapter. I can't say much about the story(plot) itself, as I can't force myself into reading it. Your story simply doesn't suit my taste.

As for the technical aspect, it got better but still lacking. I know you might think that I deliberately find fault with your writing, but I absolutely don't. I, myself, spent hours, I mean a minimum of three-four hours a day editing a single chapter. So, the moment anyone said that I had a LOT of mistakes, I brushed them off. I knew that I would inevitably leave one-two mistakes and a few typos. That's why I didn't bother to listen to the few and rare comments that stated I made lots of mistakes. Yet the moment I go back and edit previously written chapters, I see how MANY mistakes there were.

I would advise you to go through more thorough editing. By editing, I mean fixing typos, grammar, and most importantly fix your punctuation! Without commas, the meaning of a sentence may change to the polar opposite. I copypasted your text into Grammarly and saw that there were around 200 mistakes. Almost half of these mistakes are due to your punctuation.

I have fixed the grammar errors. I've never used Grammarly before so that will be a useful tool for re-edits and future chapters.

When you say the story doesn't suit your taste, which part do you mean? The genre? The subgenre?

 

[SailusGebel]

I have fixed the grammar errors. I've never used Grammarly before so that will be a useful tool for re-edits and future chapters.

When you say the story doesn't suit your taste, which part do you mean? The genre? The subgenre?

What I mean is something like this. I like oranges but you give me berries. A combination of genres, subgenres, tags, synopsis so on and so forth. It's simply not my cup of tea.

 

[Snusmumriken]

From chapter 1 I think the conversation was done more or less okay, the biggest issue I see is that you both tell and don't show. and you tell a lot.

Before the conversation when the beings look at his soul this makes the prose very dry. It felt to me like I was reading a report on some activity rather than a story.

The second part when the guy wakes up feels better but suffers through a lot of descriptions. And a lot of these descriptions are absolutely unimportant. I just cannot imagine that " He’s covered up to his waist by a thick white quilt." would be important ever again, nor that it is important in chapter 1.

the rest is once again: tell and not show. You are listing character actions more like a report and most importantly you simply state his feelings, rather than describe them. All this makes it harder for a reader to relate to your MC.