First chapter, please read and give opinion.

[Nekroz]

I was cold, shivering, and stuck outside because my door had frozen shut. Or in other words, it was just another day in the slums. The cold, ruined, horrible slums. It was wasteland out here during the winter, stuck between the growing city and the unmoving palace walls. Still, I survived. I wasn't sure if that was a good thing, though, when tomorrow promised more of the same.

Or maybe it wouldn't. Maybe tomorrow my life would make a drastic change for the better. Like one of those Farcical princess stories they told every young little girl. Back before they knew what it really meant to live in the slums.

I fancied those days, like any girl ought, while sharpening my knife. Keeping the blade sharp to keep my mind off the cold. It bit at me, at my legs and hands and face, a constant reminder that I might die today. The thought wasn't an unfamiliar one, it plagued everyone who lived in the slums. Today just seemed to be the day it was right.

I got up, then, moving kept my mind off the cold. Reminded me that I was still alive. And while I was still alive I would move. I moved from my technically not a porch to the little corner we dated to call a market.

It was empty, because no one would be stupid enough to come out in weather like this. Or maybe they just managed to get inside before their doors froze shut. My little walk continued, out of the market and up to the gates. Not the gates to the palace, but to the gates that kept the slums separated from the rest of the city.

The bars, laced with worn silver, said it all. 'This is our cage, the place we were born, and the place we would die'. My mother told me that, ending my childhood early, before I could really entertain the idea of being a princess. I'd have probably done better in life if she hadn't told me that. I'd probably even be inside right now, instead of out here in the cold lamenting my fate.

The gate opened, then. Which wasn't supposed to happen. It could only be opened with a key, and I didn't have one. There wasn't anyone else out here either. Somewhat spooked, I backed up away from the gate. Slinking back towards the cold empty market. But, before I could get far, or run, something grabbed me. And it was invisible.

I could feel the cold grip of steel on my wrist, but I couldn't see anyone. Couldn't hear them either. It was the sort of thing that happened out in the outskirts, where the world was still wild. Or it had been until today. Clearly, it was happening to me, some thing had grabbed, most likely planned to kill me, and then I'd really be dead.

Except that's not what happened.

The icy cold grip grew tighter, and then I heard it. The voice of a madman long dead, a ghost that never existed, the call that changed all who heard it.

Clear as a cloud in the sky, it said, "You've been chosen."

Then it was gone and I was alone again. There was no one else out there but me and the cold... And the open gate. A gate which wasn't supposed to be open at all, unless the guards were taking someone in or out of the slums. The moment dragged out as I thought about what this all meant, and how I'd explain myself to the guards. Or anyone else for that matter.

The sudden realization that I had just been chosen silenced those thoughts. It did more than silence them really. Because I was chosen. Not just chosen, but Chosen. An honor that belonged to the few. A gift that promised change and power and attention.

A lot of unwanted attention.

I needed to hide. The gate no longer mattered. I needed to hide. To get away from anyone with even a hint of royal blood. To go find some place real secluded and digest the new reality I now lived in - The fact that I had just been Chosen. That was of course when someone showed up. Someone big, tall, and covered head to toe in silver armor.

A royal guard. Specifically the head of the royal guard. Who had royal blood coursing through his veins. Not a lot but enough. If the rumors were true that is, and for the first time in my life I wished they weren't.

He stared at me. I stared back, eyes wide and clearly looking for an escape route.

"You open this?" He asked, metal clad hand pointed at the ajar gate.

His eyes, like icy daggers, bore into me as I shook my head no. Then I said it. "No sir. I-I was just, just walking."

"In this cold?" It was a good question. One that cast shade and doubt over my statement. Luckily the truth basically justified my near suicidal actions.

"My door froze shut." I told him. And by the look of his face, he wanted proof. "I can show you." I said, very much willing to show him and potentially get him to break the ice keeping me locked out if I could.

He sighed instead of answering right away, and I knew that things were about to go south. "Sorry lass, but I'm not going in the slums by meself. Too dangerous. And your gonna have to come with me."

I didn't resist. Resisting would basically be the same as admitting to a crime. A crime I didn't commit. And running would just be stupid for a list of reasons. So I let him cuff me and take me to wherever it is guards take people after catching them. It was my first time out of the slums. My first steps into the world outside of the one I'd been born into, and it was beautiful.

There were complete houses. Clean streets. Trees, and smoke coming out of houses. A large fire sat in the middle of the plaza for people to warm their hands. People thar I noticed weren't all carrying knifes on their person. Or if they were, they were masters of concealment.

It looked like a paradise compared to the slums. Then I turned and saw the palace. Before I'd only seen its tall walls, which looked like they were reaching for the sky. The actual palace itself, though, was something else. It was beautiful and gold and reminded me of what being a princess entailed.

Servants, protection, power, and not freezing to death. I wanted it in a way that a man in a desert wanted water; desperately. I also knew I'd never have it. It was for the privileged and the prosperous. For royals and nobles and kings and queens.

Then I remembered that I had just been Chosen. Which ruined the moment with the added possibility that I could become royalty. That through blood, conquest, and shedding humanity, I could live the life of my dreams. Which, if given the option, isn't something I would have chosen. I didn't want to be a butcher, or one of those reviled legends. Nor did I want to create another Slums in the pursuit of something that wasn't mine.

My thoughts were dragged back to reality at the sound of a door opening. It creaked and squeaked as it slid open, unhindered by ice, on the other side was the guard house. Otherwise known as the graveyard.

The head guard basically pushed me in and shut the door behind him. If he didn't have royal blood I would have glared at him with imaginary daggers. Since he did have royal blood - probably - I avoided even looking up. Rumor was that royals could read you through your eyes. That they could see the depths of your souls through them.

I wasn't going to test if that was true.

So, when I sat down in a seat opposite of the one the head guard was now sitting in, I looked down at the table. My eyes traced circles and Cracks in the old wood. It's history practically screamed at me: Hi welcome to the graveyard, your next.

"So, the gate." He started, tearing my attention away from the table.

"What kind of wood is this?" I dodged.

He didn't buy it, though. He saw straight through my brilliant tactic of talking about something else and repeated himself. "The gate."

"Is it magic?" I tried.

"Old oak from the old forest, it remembers. Now tell me about the gate."

I didn't need to look to feel his stare. It bore into the top of my head with an intensity that I couldn't ignore. The same sort my mother used to give me before she passed away. It broke me, and I sighed in defeat, and lifted my head. He stared me straight in the eye, then, as if before he hadn't really seen me. It was a look of absolute recognition.

"So you do know how it was opened." He stated, not asked.

A spark of joy nearly made me jump out of my seat. He may have been of royal blood, but he couldn't tell that I was Chosen. He only saw what he wanted to see, someone who had answer to his question. Except I didn't really have a good answer. Just a guess.

"A ghost opened it. Sir."

He didn't looked convinced. He didn't sound the part either. "So you're telling me that a ghost opened the Silver gate? Why?"

"Yes." I said, choosing not to answer his second question.

"Why?" He repeated, a hint of tiredness in his voice.

"Look," I raised my cuffed hands, "I'm just a girl from the slums ok! Why would I know why a ghost came to visit?"

He leaned forward, and I suddenly remembered who it was I was dealing with. Not just the head guard with royal blood, but a retired legend. The king slayer, the one and only Sir, Ruben the Dragon.

I gulped, despite my best attempt not to.

"I can see it in your eyes, Girl! Now tell me why a 'ghost' opened the Silver gate lest I add another memory to this table!" He spat.

The table writhed with something twisted in response to his words. It had an eager energy now, hungry and expectant. Then it went silent, as did the retired legend in front of me. My words shook them both as well as myself. They had an air of undeniability about them, a palpable quality that couldn't be escaped.

"Because I was Chosen."

 

[Snowyflakes]

Hi!

I will tell you my opinion, splitting it into two: technicalities (grammar, phrasing, and so on) and from a reader's point of view (mixed with some knowledge as a writer). However, I want to mention that English is my second language, so keep that in mind.

Technicalities

Spoiler

There were some sentences or phrases that confused me a little, and I will explain why.

Here:

I got up, then, moving kept my mind off the cold.

I think I understand what you wanted to say, but it's not totally clear. Maybe if you add the ford 'for' in front of the word 'moving' and after the comma?

Here:

And the open gate. A gate which wasn't supposed to be open at all, unless the guards were taking someone in or out of the slums.

I believe you can delete that because you explained before what's up with the gate. Or add this the first time you write about it? What I want to say is that it doesn't seem to be necessary, and it feels like you just try to write more words without a purpose.

Here:

Who had royal blood coursing through his veins. Not a lot but enough.

It seems somehow forced and awkward. Maybe you can rephrase that like this: "Who, despite not being part of the royal family, still had royal blood coursing through his veins.' or 'Who had royal blood coursing through his veins, even though he was not one of the members of the royal family.'

Here:

It's history practically screamed at me: Hi welcome to the graveyard, your next.

Maybe you wanted to write: 'Hi, welcome to the graveyard, you're next'? I pointed this out because while reading, I stumbled upon it, and it made me a little confused.

From a reader's point of view

Spoiler

From the first two paragraphs, you've managed to make me feel the harsh weather in which the character is and her actual situation. Basically, with your words, you achieved immersion for the reader, which is a big + for me.

The flow of action is amazing. Nothing seemed out of place and added a + to the reading experience. Although you explained a little bit later what it means to be Chosen (which in this chapter became the main point of interest since the scene with the ghost), it made me, as a reader, intrigued by the story, and it made me want to read more.

Worldbuilding - From the information you gave in this chapter, I could grasp the situation well enough. And I like how you explained and mixed certain information about worldbuilding with those about the character and her actions.

Characters - To me, the main character seemed to be calm and cautious, and her reaction seemed real. The scene with the royal guard is great. The tension between the main character and the guard is well explained in my point of view. Also, I liked you explained why they said certain things (like when she wanted to change the subject or to avoid answering a question).

Descriptions - 10/10, in my perspective. The words you chose to describe the scenery, the character, her emotions and thoughts, other characters, and so on helped me to see all of it as if it were a short film.

Opening/ ending - The opening is good and, as I said before, immersed me into the story from the first two paragraphs. The ending is great because it doesn't seem to be abrupt, forced, or hurried. It made me curious about the next chapter. (By the way, what story is this chapter part of? I would like to add it to my reading list).

The pacing - The storyline doesn't seem to be too slow or too fast. It flows naturally, in my opinion.

Final thoughts - It is written in a way that I like, which makes me want to read more. I hadn't felt bored at any point (which is a +) by description or action. It is a good chapter, from my perspective.

 

[Nekroz]

Hi!

I will tell you my opinion, splitting it into two: technicalities (grammar, phrasing, and so on) and from a reader's point of view (mixed with some knowledge as a writer). However, I want to mention that English is my second language, so keep that in mind.

Technicalities

Spoiler

There were some sentences or phrases that confused me a little, and I will explain why.

Here:

I think I understand what you wanted to say, but it's not totally clear. Maybe if you add the ford 'for' in front of the word 'moving' and after the comma?

Here:

I believe you can delete that because you explained before what's up with the gate. Or add this the first time you write about it? What I want to say is that it doesn't seem to be necessary, and it feels like you just try to write more words without a purpose.

Here:

It seems somehow forced and awkward. Maybe you can rephrase that like this: "Who, despite not being part of the royal family, still had royal blood coursing through his veins.' or 'Who had royal blood coursing through his veins, even though he was not one of the members of the royal family.'

Here:

Maybe you wanted to write: 'Hi, welcome to the graveyard, you're next'? I pointed this out because while reading, I stumbled upon it, and it made me a little confused.

From a reader's point of view

Spoiler

From the first two paragraphs, you've managed to make me feel the harsh weather in which the character is and her actual situation. Basically, with your words, you achieved immersion for the reader, which is a big + for me.

The flow of action is amazing. Nothing seemed out of place and added a + to the reading experience. Although you explained a little bit later what it means to be Chosen (which in this chapter became the main point of interest since the scene with the ghost), it made me, as a reader, intrigued by the story, and it made me want to read more.

Worldbuilding - From the information you gave in this chapter, I could grasp the situation well enough. And I like how you explained and mixed certain information about worldbuilding with those about the character and her actions.

Characters - To me, the main character seemed to be calm and cautious, and her reaction seemed real. The scene with the royal guard is great. The tension between the main character and the guard is well explained in my point of view. Also, I liked you explained why they said certain things (like when she wanted to change the subject or to avoid answering a question).

Descriptions - 10/10, in my perspective. The words you chose to describe the scenery, the character, her emotions and thoughts, other characters, and so on helped me to see all of it as if it were a short film.

Opening/ ending - The opening is good and, as I said before, immersed me into the story from the first two paragraphs. The ending is great because it doesn't seem to be abrupt, forced, or hurried. It made me curious about the next chapter. (By the way, what story is this chapter part of? I would like to add it to my reading list).

The pacing - The storyline doesn't seem to be too slow or too fast. It flows naturally, in my opinion.

Final thoughts - It is written in a way that I like, which makes me want to read more. I hadn't felt bored at any point (which is a +) by description or action. It is a good chapter, from my perspective.

Thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed the read.

I agree with most of your points and I see how I could have handled them better now. Though when it comes to your first point I can see how you were confused, but let me explain why I wrote it that way.

'I got up, then, moving kept my mind off the cold' consider this as two statements. The first part is 'I got up, then,' you would read this part as one statement. Then you would pause due to the second comma, after that you would read the next part of the sentence as a statement added onto the first.

While I could add 'for' like you suggested it would make the sentence clunky, in English at least. For is not as commonly used in sentences as you might think and in some instances where it would work to put it there it would be like speaking in old English. Which is a clunky language.

As for the story's name, it's 'Chosen - a tale of magic, glutes, and adventure.'
As a warning there will be some butt expansion in the story but nothing explicit.

 

[Snowyflakes]

Thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed the read.

I agree with most of your points and I see how I could have handled them better now. Though when it comes to your first point I can see how you were confused, but let me explain why I wrote it that way.

'I got up, then, moving kept my mind off the cold' consider this as two statements. The first part is 'I got up, then,' you would read this part as one statement. Then you would pause due to the second comma, after that you would read the next part of the sentence as a statement added onto the first.

While I could add 'for' like you suggested it would make the sentence clunky, in English at least. For is not as commonly used in sentences as you might think and in some instances where it would work to put it there it would be like speaking in old English. Which is a clunky language.

As for the story's name, it's 'Chosen - a tale of magic, glutes, and adventure.'
As a warning there will be some butt expansion in the story but nothing explicit.

No problem! It was my pleasure. Happy I could help!

I understood what you wanted to say, but for me, at least, it took two times to read the sentence to understand it properly. Although I didn't know that the word "for" used in this manner could make a sentence clunky (I use it in my book when I feel like it sounds good and helps the grammar ).

I added it to my reading list, and I will read the first chapter from the book page as well, although I don't know if I will leave a comment (since I already told you here what I think about it).

 

[Nekroz]

No problem! It was my pleasure. Happy I could help!

I understood what you wanted to say, but for me, at least, it took two times to read the sentence to understand it properly. Although I didn't know that the word "for" used in this manner could make a sentence clunky (I use it in my book when I feel like it sounds good and helps the grammar ).

I added it to my reading list, and I will read the first chapter from the book page as well, although I don't know if I will leave a comment (since I already told you here what I think about it).

Thanks, and don't worry about using "for" it wouldn't be wrong for you to do so. English is just an oddly subtle language where are there a multitude of ways to say the same thing with a lot of those ways being correct, sometimes even if their 'grammatically' incorrect.

It's actually quite complicated.