Within a desolate realm, where discarded worlds were stitched together, a rupture tore open, releasing a small child into this fragmented expanse. Above him, the sky revealed three eerie moons, while an ominous black mass loomed ominously in their wake. Disoriented and engulfed by a putrid...
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I'm not a big fan of the perspective switch at the beginning. It's difficult to understand how disoriented Cain is when Feick is the initial point of contact. I'd also work on some of the grammar and word choice in the opening lines. There are a couple of run ons, and I'm not a fan of the phrase "gesticulate excessively." It's trying a little too hard to show off vocabulary when on a sentence level, a lot of the ideas and syntax aren't necessarily quite there yet.
The point of view in general also just doesn't sit well with me, the way that we have an omniscient narrator telling us that Cain is contaminated but doesn't really know it. Why doesn't Feick explain this to Cain? It could be a moment for them to bond as characters. Now, on its own, I'm okay with that, I actually think it could be really clever, but a few notes.
If you're going for an omniscient narrator like this, I would like more of a stylized voice. At the moment, the writing and structure of the narrator is carried out in a very matter of fact sense. The sentences go through very basic emotional curves, like Cain wondering who he is, the general displeasure of burying bodies, and also just some general sense that the wasteland is kind of fetid and gross.
But my issue with this is that precisely because there's no style in the way you've carried out the voice, it's difficult to maintain a lot of consistent interest in the story. I want a narrator, omniscient or otherwise, that kind of shows off their personality so that we know the story has some character to it. I like the attempt with the phrase "Netherane was a very remote place or as Feick put it 'Butt Fuck nowhere'" but that's not enough for me. I want the envelope to be pushed a little bit in this regard.
There are also certain inconsistencies. The narrator knows some things, but doesn't know others. For example, "Regarding where Cain is in the swamplands, well, he is smack dab in the middle of Netherane...probably" demonstrates that the omniscient narrator isn't as omniscient as previously thought. I appreciate the attempt at humor, but this could have been delivered a bit better. Maybe something to the effect of, "Cain didn't really know where he was in the swamplands, or even if he was in the swamplands to begin with. For all he knew, Feick could've been lying." I hope that brings my point across.
Anyway, I think bits and pieces of this have some interesting potential. Keep at it!
Do whatever you want with mine, mate.
Ah, being a Mercenary, it's like being a soldier except more fun, and you don't have to care about silly things like 'not blowing up a children's hospital' Follow a team of ten totally unprofessional soldiers of fortune as people throw money at them to solve tasks that range from...
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A couple things I'll throw out there as food for thought.
I'm not super invested in the opening parts of the chapter. I think my general impression is that it's serviceable, it introduces us to a rag tag team of mercs, they kind of sound sort of different, so you're doing well on making sure they have distinctive voices. I just wish there was more to signal that there's actual boredom, because to me it feels like a sign where someone just says they're bored and then maybe 1.5-2k words later, I'm reading about them mowing down a bunch of people. Why couldn't we have just started at the killing? I ask myself that question only because the opening doesn't grab me, but maybe an action packed scene might've done the trick.
I think the briefing scene was good, but I wish I had more context on what was going on. Why are they just fighting another PMC? I get that the Mercs are kind of just nonsense/illiterate folk, but they also don't really sound that way. Someone at some point expresses that someone has an abysmal taste in clothes, which kind of threw me off because I wasn't expecting that kind of language in dialogue, so I think that particular area could use some clean up to make sure that things stay within that sort of tone or atmosphere that you wanted to build.
I like the opening to the second chapter, I think it's kind of funny. I still think there are bits of dialogue that I'd clean up, but otherwise, the premise of it is amusing to say the least. So good job, and keep going!
Ooh... That's cool. Check my second novel then.
Wake Up Lousy Agent Volume 1.
Volume 2 is set on schedule.
Holmer Aldnoa is a hardworking special agent living in Freedom City. The place is one of the most corrupted environment where the high-ranking criminals are living comfortably and lurking in the shadows freely. Technically, he is a regular man who wanted to retire from his tough job, but for...
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A couple thoughts as I read.
I want to know how exactly the criminal uses parkour to outmaneuver the pursuers. It's just a narrow alley right? Wouldn't it normally just be a straight corridor? Are there objects in the way? Is he hopping over fences? Just some more detail would be nice. Same thing with *BOOM* and other similar one word phrases across the prologue (and elsewhere) where I felt like one or two more sentences would have done the trick better.
I also don't try to say this but I think among some of the other stories, you could definitely use some more grammar edits and making sure you keep your tenses consistent. There are quite a few that are eye catching in the first couple of paragraphs alone, so I'd spend some time to clean those up because that does impact whether a reader even wants to read your work.
I do like the bait and switch between the introduction of the criminal and Hol's introduction, I think it's kind of funny, and it's amplified by the two separate monologues, which adds to the humor of it. So I like seeing that kind of pattern. However, the narration loses me shortly after that. I'm not super drawn in by the typology of criminals and the ranting followed by Hol's professed love for the director is just kind of strange to me, especially since it jumps between awkward navel-gazing and then Hol asking himself how many people's he's killed.
I think part of the reason I feel this way could be with the fact that I don't get a strong individual voice from Hol. And I don't mean that I want him to have strong convictions or a strong personality, I mean that in terms of just the writing style, I don't get that erratic/awkward style of writing that should correspond with the ideas and items that he's narrating. Like for instance:
"I feel awkward whenever I talk with other people. But not every time I faint like a wimp, I can spent an hour talking the topics that I take interest -making the others lost interest."
First of all, the second sentence is pretty ungrammatical, so I'd like to remind you again to definitely work on straightening out some of the language kinks. Second of all, first sentence is good, but I think there needs to be more personality in the sentences afterwards. What are the topics that Hol enjoys that others lose interest in? I want to know, because that adds to his character, but you rob me of that knowledge by just moving on to the next thing. If you were to rewrite, maybe something like:
"It's not like I faint like a wimp every time. You give me quantum physics, the theory of bust sizes, the best way to cook adobo, things that usually either bore or scare people away, now I can talk about those things for hours."
Obviously the wording has to fit with your style, but something like this gives that sentence a lot more energy and vitality. Right now, a lot of the things that Hol says on a sentence level are super flat and don't tell me all that much about him outside of certain generic details.
Anyway, keep going! And good job!
