This training covers Hazardous Materials and OSHA requirements.
Employee Poster Notifications are required at all work locations, including undercover operations. However, for interests of security, you may put the poster on a wall that spins around when you flip a secret switch, as long as it makes a "Shh-whoosh" sound, because that'd be rather cool.
Each and every employee must have a hazardous chemical exposure file. Each and every file will read "Feelin' Fine."
Safety Data files are required for all Product and Hazard IDs that can be accessed by employees on request. These should include the following:
Suggested first aid measures in case of exposure.
Suggested conditions when mercy killing is appropriate.
Measures for handling an accidental release.
Measures for handling a, quote, accidental, unquote, release.
What organs the chemical targets (try to keep spare organs on hand)
A list of all physical side effects like Toxicology, possible mutagenesis effects, and disposal consideration.
What is a toxic substance?
It could be anything. A little know fact, even too much water can kill a man, But you already knew that, didn't you?
A list of possible hazardous materials are:
Paint. Paint thinner, Rubber Cement, Wheat, Wheat By-Products, Vimby, and Copy toner.
Toxins come in many different forms like:
Solids, Liquids, Gases, Plasma, Undulating Flesh, and fragments of space-time that were never meant to touch.
Remember: Good Hygiene Will Save You!
Don't eat or smoke around hazardous materials!
Wash your hands!
Molt frequently!
How do hazardous Materials enter the body?
By Mouth, Absorbed through the skin, being absorbed by skin, Inhalation, Injection, teleportation, Memetic Agent, and your Eyes…
Any of them.
Exposure limits are to be determined by your pay grade.
Ways to reduce your exposure:
Ventalation, Proper environmental storage conditions, Doing all the real work in a secret off site location that the OSHA inspectors don't need to hear about, and Not Being A SNITCH.
Finally, The list of Hazardous Substance warning signs.
All warning signs are diamond shaped.
If the sign has a red wavy line, that means fire hazard.
If the sign has three wavy lines, that means bacon,
If the sign has three vertical green wavy lines, that means tentacles.
If the sign has a grey mutating blob, that means the substance has been shown to cause cancer in igneous rocks.
If the sign has a man clawing out his eyes, that means Human Resources.
If the sign has a red wavy line over a person, that means ginger.
If the sign has alternating green and red lines, that means Christmas … And tentacles.
If the sign has Three triangles and a dot, that means radiation.
If the same symbol appears superimposed on a six fingered hand, that still means radiation, but the cool kind.
If you stare at the sign long enough and it eventually reveals itself as a slowly rotating hypercube, that means Omnidimensional Object. Handle with tongs.
If the sign has a picture of a man with X's over his eyes and long fangs, that means undeath. Make sure to carry holy symbols and plenty of garlic.
If the sign is of a man with normal eyes and long fangs, that means lycanthropy. Make sure to carry silver bullets, but NO garlic, as they will just consider that seasoning.
If it is a white circle with a halo of red squiggles, that means minty.
If the sign is just a question mark, It's a -mystery-.
If the sign has a ribbon and a bow on it, it's a gift! Open it somewhere far away from innocent bystanders.
If the sign depicts the man on his hands and knees in defeat, it means Existential Crisis. This cannot be averted, such as life cannot be averted. Are you actually here right now, looking at this sign and gazing, slack jawed and misty eyed, at the rusted over yellow and black of this slate of metal? Or are you, perhaps, in a coma, and have somehow projected your consciousness onto another plane? Are you living in another dimension, never to see your family or loved ones again?
This has been Hazardous Materials and OSHA training. Don't worry about signing the training log, we took care of that for you.
