Glassy Concern

MrGlassMan

New member
Joined
Jan 6, 2023
Messages
3
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This is out of my style of doing things but, I wish to ask how to gain some feedback on my story. No one has commented yet and I just wish to see something.
 

M.G.Driver

Member
Joined
Dec 31, 2022
Messages
60
Points
18
I'm not native English speaker, so I can't judge grammar.

Format:
I read all three chapters - the paragraphs are too chunky and long. Capitalization is not consistent either, along with spacing between words. Have you tried reading it on mobile?

Story:
Due to the format it's hard to catch all the events that are happening when reading. If you start with a high tension scene, my personal opinion is that you need to break up the paragraphs even more as paragraph spacing becomes even more important to pace reading speed.

It's great the way you describe the chaos, but due to the lack of a proper blurb, no one really knows or have even 20% of what is happening. If this is the concept you're going for, that's okay, but the format doesn't help it.

Blurb:
The blurb can be way better - it's the main way of hooking your target audience. Who is your target audience and who do you want to attract? Lack of a proper blurb = no one even tries to read.

I'm not native English speaker, so I can't judge grammar.

Otherwise, I overall get the feeling it's like the start of some usual Korean portal opening LN or smth.
 
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