Haruhism of a Lesser

[Suzumiya]

Hello, I'm writing a story called "Haruhism of a Lesser."


Cover:

Synopsis:

A satiric fantasy following Randy Ditty, a soldier in the Amricean Army, during the advent of the Kreyan War (1955).


Genre: Action, Adventure, Fantasy, Mature,

Table of Contents:

• Frontmatter:
  • I. Preface
  • II. Introduction
  • III. Prologue
• Book One:
  • Chapter One:
    • 1.1: Randy Ditty
    • 1.2: The Abyss
    • 1.3: Essette Lance
    • 1.4: Randy Ditty
  • Chapter Two (Scheduled Completion Date: June 2020)
    • 2.1: Randy Ditty
    • 2.2: Hyuntae Kim
    • 2.3: Essette Lance
    • 2.4: Hyuntae Kim
    • 2.5: The Librarian

Changelog:
20210108: Posted chapter 2.5. 2.7 fully drafted.
20201202: More revisions. Posted chapters 2.3, 2.4. 2.5 and 2.6 fully drafted.
20201030: More revisions. Posted chapter 2.2. 2.3 outline completed. 2.4, 2.5 outlines drafted.
20201026: More revisions. Posted chapter 2.1. Chapter 2.2 draft and outline completed.
20201005 - Revised chapters 1.2 and 1.3. Posted chapter 1.4. Skeleton draft rework is all finished! Expect to have completed Chapter Two by Nov 05.
20200910 - I will be posting this on RoyalRoad as well. Hopefully this will boost readership! I'm still working on updating the skeleton draft to accomodate the restructure. I feel that it will vastly improve the finished product, and I'm eagerly working on chapters 1.3 and 1.4 with this restructure in mind!
20200908 - Restructured 1.3-3.2 to expedite introduction of main plot. Release dates updated to reflect efforts.
20200905 - Updated Prologue, 1.1, 1.2 for readability and rhythm. Fixed a couple typos and restructured 1.2. Changed cover page.

 

[Discount_Blade]

Is english your first language? This synopsis is pretty awkward

 

[HJ]

I've been reading MTL and I could say I can understand even the most awkward and the most trashy translations, but this one takes the cake.

 

[NotYourTypicalMan]

I've been reading MTL and I could say I can understand even the most awkward and the most trashy translations, but this one takes the cake.

that's where the problem lies mate.You read MTL too much that you can't understand the normal...

 

[Suzumiya]

Is english your first language? This synopsis is pretty awkward

Hmm. This is intended to be the Introduction section for a novel, so to say that it's awkward is fairly alarming.

I'm not sure how I could've expected differently, though. The introduction is intended to be given by an ill prepared university student as the Cover Page Introduction section of their scientific report.

I'd gone to a workshop on this a while back and the feedback was primarily of it being inaccessible, especially to those without at least an interest in sci-fi. I've included it below for reference.

I wonder whether it would be prudent to rewrite it without the literary filters and simply give it from my perspective. What do you think?

 

[HJ]

You read MTL too much that you can't understand the normal

I disagree. The OP's synopsis if far from normal.

 

[Suzumiya]

I disagree. The OP's synopsis if far from normal.

I agree on the synopsis/Introduction; it is far from normal.

What're your thoughts on the prologue and first chapter?

 

[Suzumiya]

I've rewritten the Introduction. I wonder if people could give me feedback on whether they prefer this or the original. I've also posted a picture of the original for handy side-by-side comparison.

EDIT: Yeah, thinking about it for a bit, I'm fairly convinced this is a good change. Thanks @HJ.

 

[HJ]

I'd gone to a workshop on this a while back and the feedback was primarily of it being inaccessible, especially to those without at least an interest in sci-fi.

Anyone can appreciate a sci-fi novel if it was written well.

Beware of unnecessary words and phrases.

Writers are told to be as descriptive as they can be but sometimes they go overboard that they overwrite. Suddenly every noun has two or more modifiers. The frequently used words are replaced with uncommon terms that do not really provide a good impact on the story. Rather, it adds confusion to the reader and side tracks them from what is important. Instead of putting the attention to the material, the writer is unknowingly drawing attention to themselves.

Spoiler

Magic, however, is a peculiar thing and is never native to the dimension it influences. The magic of Dimension 3^(n-42) gave root by the sentients populating Dimension 3^(n-39) when a league of their greatest minds joined in tinkering on the very foundations of all reality. Together, they birthed a living machine whose sole purpose was—in advance to the heat death of their universe—to invent immortality and omnipotence for every sentient creature. Succeeding, they realized themselves a pantheon of gods and continued existence as 10 dimensional beings.

Spoiler

(Problematic areas italized.)
Isn't magic already a peculiar thing?

"in advance to the heat death of their universe"
What does this mean? "To heat death" Please use appropriate words. Do not just throw words casually so as not to keep your readers from wondering what you mean with every sentence.

Succeeding, they realized themselves a pantheon of gods and continued existence as 10 dimensional beings.

The beings living in the Earth of the 39th dimension were able to create a machine that makes people immortal and omnipotent. Having achieved this, they considered themselves as gods.

Did I get this right?

Spoiler

Yet, being 10 dimensional beings, there became consequences. Plancks of omnipotence burst forth from the supernovae of their realization, infesting lesser dimensions with their control.

With the massive amount of power that these beings ammassed, it came as no suprise for the other dimensions to be affected.

Ps. I don't know if you are trying to allude to Planck's quantum theory here. But I assume this is the case since you are writing a sci fi.

Spoiler

Violent plague and misfortune, such was magic, this pantheon’s ‘gift’ to lesser realities. In creatures and things it festered and erupted, a herald for timeless devastation. When finally upon their Earth Sapients evolved, worship commenced, ‘blessings’ fell, and war began unending.


The pantheon were not really gods. (You are not writing a mythology story, are you? Use appropriate words.)
They are just super beings who came to be after they modified what is normal.

Lesser realities? Or lesser beings/ normal beings?

When finally upon their Earth Sapients evolved, worship commenced, ‘blessings’ fell, and war began unending.

Beware of the unnecessary use of passive voice. Unless you are trying to write poetry then you can get away with most of the English grammar.

Spoiler

I will now recount a location of great significance to this plague, the military establishment most poised to the Haruhism of a Lesser and Korea’s whole breakage into two warring parts, the North-South Kreyan Demilitarized Zone Forward Operating Base 2-A.

Plague. Was there an infectious disease occuring in this story or did you use it to mean misfortune or unrest?

Might be good if you defined what is a 'haruhism'. If it is a term you created that is unique to your book then it would be nicer to describe it. Otherwise just use a better term.

Lesser. Can be used as an adjective or an adverb. If you used the word as an adjective, it should be followed by a noun.

Lesser what? A lesser being?

Darn I had to dissect your prologue. It needs a lot of work.

When it comes to writing sci fi, it is not about throwing every term you can think of just to make it sound "sci-fi-ic". Throwing words carelessly will create a messy writing.
It is alright to use simple terms. It does not diminish the fact that you are writing sci fi.
What is important is to make the world you are creating understandable and appealing to readers.

Be mindful of the use of past participle. Simple past tense is usually much better since it eliminates unnecessary words and makes your sentence clearer. Powerful prose is built sentence by sentence. The most important part of the sentence is what echoes in the reader's mind.

 

[NotYourTypicalMan]

Anyone can appreciate a sci-fi novel if it was written well.

Beware of unnecessary words and phrases.

Writers are told to be as descriptive as they can be but sometimes they go overboard that they overwrite. Suddenly every noun has two or more modifiers. The frequently used words are replaced with uncommon terms that do not really provide a good impact on the story. Rather, it adds confusion to the reader and side tracks them from what is important. Instead of putting the attention to the material, the writer is unknowingly drawing attention to themselves.

Spoiler

Magic, however, is a peculiar thing and is never native to the dimension it influences. The magic of Dimension 3^(n-42) gave root by the sentients populating Dimension 3^(n-39) when a league of their greatest minds joined in tinkering on the very foundations of all reality. Together, they birthed a living machine whose sole purpose was—in advance to the heat death of their universe—to invent immortality and omnipotence for every sentient creature. Succeeding, they realized themselves a pantheon of gods and continued existence as 10 dimensional beings.

Spoiler

(Problematic areas italized.)
Isn't magic already a peculiar thing?

"in advance to the heat death of their universe"
What does this mean? "To heat death" Please use appropriate words. Do not just throw words casually so as not to keep your readers from wondering what you mean with every sentence.

Succeeding, they realized themselves a pantheon of gods and continued existence as 10 dimensional beings.

The beings living in the Earth of the 39th dimension were able to create a machine that makes people immortal and omnipotent. Having achieved this, they considered themselves as gods.

Did I get this right?

Spoiler

Yet, being 10 dimensional beings, there became consequences. Plancks of omnipotence burst forth from the supernovae of their realization, infesting lesser dimensions with their control.

With the massive amount of power that these beings ammassed, it came as no suprise for the other dimensions to be affected.

Ps. I don't know if you are trying to allude to Planck's quantum theory here. But I assume this is the case since you are writing a sci fi.

Spoiler

Violent plague and misfortune, such was magic, this pantheon’s ‘gift’ to lesser realities. In creatures and things it festered and erupted, a herald for timeless devastation. When finally upon their Earth Sapients evolved, worship commenced, ‘blessings’ fell, and war began unending.


The pantheon were not really gods. (You are not writing a mythology story, are you? Use appropriate words.)
They are just super beings who came to be after they modified what is normal.

Lesser realities? Or lesser beings/ normal beings?

When finally upon their Earth Sapients evolved, worship commenced, ‘blessings’ fell, and war began unending.

Beware of the unnecessary use of passive voice. Unless you are trying to write poetry then you can get away with most of the English grammar.

Spoiler

I will now recount a location of great significance to this plague, the military establishment most poised to the Haruhism of a Lesser and Korea’s whole breakage into two warring parts, the North-South Kreyan Demilitarized Zone Forward Operating Base 2-A.

Plague. Was there an infectious disease occuring in this story or did you use it to mean misfortune or unrest?

Might be good if you defined what is a 'haruhism'. If it is a term you created that is unique to your book then it would be nicer to describe it. Otherwise just use a better term.

Lesser. Can be used as an adjective or an adverb. If you used the word as an adjective, it should be followed by a noun.

Lesser what? A lesser being?

Darn I had to dissect your prologue. It needs a lot of work.

When it comes to writing sci fi, it is not about throwing every term you can think of just to make it sound "sci-fi-ic". Throwing words carelessly will create a messy writing.
It is alright to use simple terms. It does not diminish the fact that you are writing sci fi.
What is important is to make the world you are creating understandable and appealing to readers.

Be mindful of the use of past participle. Simple past tense is usually much better since it eliminates unnecessary words and makes your sentence clearer. Powerful prose is built sentence by sentence. The most important part of the sentence is what echoes in the reader's mind.

Man...i really wanted to kidnapped you and forced you to be my editor...

 

[HJ]

Man...i really wanted to kidnapped you and forced you to be my editor...

Ai, I was found out? Fufufu. My editor days are done. I prefer reading nowadays.

 

[Suzumiya]

Darn I had to dissect your prologue. It needs a lot of work.

When it comes to writing sci fi, it is not about throwing every term you can think of just to make it sound "sci-fi-ic". Throwing words carelessly will create a messy writing.
It is alright to use simple terms. It does not diminish the fact that you are writing sci fi.
What is important is to make the world you are creating understandable and appealing to readers.

Be mindful of the use of past participle. Simple past tense is usually much better since it eliminates unnecessary words and makes your sentence clearer. Powerful prose is built sentence by sentence. The most important part of the sentence is what echoes in the reader's mind.

Yeah, the introduction needed quite a bit of work. It was implied to be written by a STEM student from Planck University, an institution mentioned on what would be the front cover to a novel but is instead the profile picture for a webnovel. I wanted to play on STEM students being bad at writing to prove a point, that STEM students can sometimes be perfectly alright at writing. You also mentioned dissecting the prologue. I wonder if you're editing your post to include a dissection of the prologue? I hope you are! I'd be grateful. :)

The book isn't intended to be sci-fi; I'd like it to be low fantasy with scientific elements. The pantheon the introduction mentions is intended to exist in the 3^(n-40)'th dimension. 3 and 4*10 because it is theorized that dimensions loop every three and ten values. That is, 1d space 2d space 3d space; 4d space is 3d space in a line, 5d space is 3d space in a plane, 6d space is 3d space in a 3d space; 7d space is like 4d space, 8d like 5d, 9d like 6d; 10d is an infinitessimal space, a single point within a greater dimension and the whole of every lesser dimension. Those beings in dimension 3^(n-40) became gods when they became of their new dimension--able to influence with omnipotence all dimensions existing below theirs.

My initial vision was to deeply layer the narrative of the introduction, but now I feel like that was unnecessary and simply hurt the appeal of the whole product. (Heh heh. HOAL product. :^])

I really appreciate your pointing that out to me. It would've been a long time, if ever, before I'd have noticed it.

 

[HJ]

I've rewritten the Introduction. I wonder if people could give me feedback on whether they prefer this or the original. I've also posted a picture of the original for handy side-by-side comparison.

The premise of the second opening is more catchy and intriguing. It connects the reader to the main character right away which is what we want.

By describing what Haruhi observed in this different dimension, we get to have a sense of what is to come. At the same time, it encourages the readers to look forward to this new dimension.

 

[Suzumiya]

The premise of the second opening is more catchy and intriguing. It connects the reader to the main character right away which is what we want.

By describing what Haruhi observed in this different dimension, we get to have a sense of what is to come. At the same time, it encourages the readers to look forward to this new dimension.

I was hoping to hear that from you.

Truth be told, I ripped a fair bit of this from a homework assignment I was instructed to write by a Professor. The assignment was to write a query letter for a literary work from your own portfolio. I used an older version of Haruhism of a Lesser--one that I'd scrapped because it made me embarrassed, but which I couldn't figure out how to grow beyond. That professor who gave me that assignment is the very same who, I hope, will write the foreward for this iteration of HOAL. (At least, I hope it will be this iteration of HOAL.)

He helped me a lot with his workshop. More than I can thank him for, I feel!

EDIT: Did you by any chance finish with the prologue? I think you mentioned having picked it apart.

 

[HJ]

It was implied to be written by a STEM student from Planck University, an institution mentioned on what would be the front cover to a novel but is instead the profile picture for a webnovel. I wanted to play on STEM students being bad at writing to prove a point, that STEM students can sometimes be perfectly alright at writing.

If you are still interested in showing this premise in your story, then I suggest you ease into it. The scientific terms you mentioned do not add much appeal unless used properly. It would be better to include this idea in the middle of your story.

My initial vision was to deeply layer the narrative of the introduction, but now I feel like that was unnecessary and simply hurt the appeal of the whole product.

Build up slowly and gradually. There is no need to rush with the world building. The first parts of your story is the most important. It should captivate readers on the first chapter so as to propel them to look forward to the next chapter.

To do this, the readers must first understand the material they are reading. Your task as an author is to make sure the readers are able to connect with the world you are building.

Actually, your story is interesting when explored well.

 

[HJ]

Did you by any chance finish with the prologue? I think you mentioned having picked it apart.

I did. But as it stands, I am more of an editor than a teacher. I cannot point out all that needs working on.

But I could give you ideas on what to watch out when it comes to writing fiction - reader's expectations and writer's responsibilities.

Do beware of careless blunders such as wordiness. Here is a quote from Laura Spencer which I found useful.

"Is your writing full of extra words and phrases that don’t add anything to your message?
Wordiness can dilute your message."

In addition, this is what she says about word usage.

"Misunderstood words. If you don’t understand the meaning of a word, you can’t use it correctly."

 

[Suzumiya]

If you are still interested in showing this premise in your story, then I suggest you ease into it. The scientific terms you mentioned do not add much appeal unless used properly. It would be better to include this idea in the middle of your story.

Yeah, much to their chagrin and my shame, I was given this advice during a workshop for the last iteration of HOAL.

Build up slowly and gradually. There is no need to rush with the world building. The first parts of your story is the most important. It should captivate readers on the first chapter so as to propel them to look forward to the next chapter.

To do this, the readers must first understand the material they are reading. Your task as an author is to make sure the readers are able to connect with the world you are building.

Actually, your story is interesting when explored well.

That's the MO now! To replant the recently extracted plot and sew it elsewhere, slowly and with much care.

I think, at least, more care than I'd given to the recently scrapped introduction.

How could I have thought there could be an excuse for bad writing. I'd slap myself if it wouldn't hurt.

I did. But as it stands, I am more of an editor than a teacher. I cannot point out all that needs working on.

I'm sorry if I came off as rude earlier. I was a bit overeager for a free classroom experience.

But I could give you ideas on what to watch out when it comes to writing fiction - reader's expectations and writer's responsibilities.

Writer's responsibilities? Such as the duty to always tell a story?

"Is your writing full of extra words and phrases that don’t add anything to your message?
Wordiness can dilute your message."

"Misunderstood words. If you don’t understand the meaning of a word, you can’t use it correctly."

-Laura Spencer

That's good advice. I feel it's rather pointed, as if there's a word I've unwittingly misused in the prologue. Should I search for it? I mean, well, yes I should always search for it. But have you seen it? I'd like to make a game of finding the word you saw.

 

[HJ]

responsibilities? Such as the duty to always tell a story?

Duty to show a story. Build a picture, a scene, that readers can imagine. Be as descriptive but do not overdo it. Watch out for unnecessary words. Use clear and concise sentences that produce an impact to the story.
Make the character interesting. If the readers cannot connect with the characters, they are more likely to drop the story.
Appeal to the reader's emotion. Use sound devices if you must.

it's rather pointed, as if there's a word I've unwittingly misused in the prologue.

I already pointed it out in my previous comments. The problem lies with wordiness and inappropriate word usage. This is something that beginning writers fail to realize. Only when you distance yourself from the writer's psyche to look at your work from a stranger's perspective will you notice the awkardness of the prose.

 

[Suzumiya]

Duty to show a story. Build a picture, a scene, that readers can imagine. Be as descriptive but do not overdo it. Watch out for unnecessary words. Use clear and concise sentences that produce an impact to the story.

That's a good distinction! In that one essay, Stephen King said to always tell a story, but I like this version a bit more. It reminds me of a high school teacher I had way back in the day who would always say "show not tell" when critiquing my work.

The problem lies with wordiness and inappropriate word usage. This is something that beginning writers fail to realize. Only when you distance yourself from the writer's psyche to look at your work from a stranger's perspective will you notice the awkardness of the prose.

Hmm, I guess it's as they say - there's always room for improvement. Feels kinda bad being likened to beginning writers, as I've been keeping a daily journal since middle school, but maybe I'm being overly critical of myself. Even masters sometimes make rookie mistakes. I'm no master yet, but maybe at least I'm somewhere in the middle.

I'll chew on how to read from a stranger's perspective, though. It would be very useful to be able to better recognize awkwardness in prose.

I've spent a fair number of years as an editor for news publications, so I've a bit of confidence in being able to adjust for spelling and grammar, but it seems I've a ways to go when it comes to awkwardness. (I couldn't even recognize that the initial introduction was merely awkward when it was plainly apparent. ... Maybe it has something to do with stubbornness? I should look into that.)

Get it together, me!

Thank you for the curt words.

 

[NotYourTypicalMan]

Duty to show a story. Build a picture, a scene, that readers can imagine. Be as descriptive but do not overdo it. Watch out for unnecessary words. Use clear and concise sentences that produce an impact to the story.
Make the character interesting. If the readers cannot connect with the characters, they are more likely to drop the story.
Appeal to the reader's emotion. Use sound devices if you must.



I already pointed it out in my previous comments. The problem lies with wordiness and inappropriate word usage. This is something that beginning writers fail to realize. Only when you distance yourself from the writer's psyche to look at your work from a stranger's perspective will you notice the awkardness of the prose.

I always use 1st POV and obv i should describe the MC feelings.I use a lot of 'i' and 'then'.
Does it count as inappropriate word usage?