Haruhism of a Lesser
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HJ
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The first person narrative is unique in a way because it gives readers a privy to intimate thoughts and feelings. However, it is easy to fall into the trap of overplaying words such as... (let me quote your work, Veni, Vidi, Vici)
Other people say the I, I, I approach is permissible because I is an invisible word like said. Do not believe them.
An on overabundance of the same words or structures will seem off. Readers may not tell you what is wrong but they will notice that something is off.
Let's revamp the text above.
I can feel fresh blood touching my skin and the blood is dripping from my forehead.My face already painted by blood,i can't even see anything since the blood cover up my eyes.
I withstand the pain i feel and wiped the blood on my eyes.I raise up my head,even when my body feel limp,even when my spine is about to burst out,even when my vision is darkened down.
I looked at the man face,he still smiling all over.He seems to take this as funny.
But i'm not! i got madness displayed over my face...wrath and revenge controlled me.
Blood already gushing at mouth and i vomited.
But i resist it and pounced towards the man...
"I WILL KILL YOU!" i cried out "I SWEAR I WILL KILL YOU"
But the man still smiled even when our distance so close.
Then i saw his hands covered by something black.And that hand suddenly covered all my vision
I fell down..i got no strength left
"You stupid kid!if you still can't use BeguBirong,you should obey and let me punch you more! or go suck your momma's milk"
He then wear his gloves and went towards the door,leaving me behind with a pool of blood.
~ excerpt, Chapter 1, Veni, Vidi, Vici
I withstand the pain i feel and wiped the blood on my eyes.I raise up my head,even when my body feel limp,even when my spine is about to burst out,even when my vision is darkened down.
I looked at the man face,he still smiling all over.He seems to take this as funny.
But i'm not! i got madness displayed over my face...wrath and revenge controlled me.
Blood already gushing at mouth and i vomited.
But i resist it and pounced towards the man...
"I WILL KILL YOU!" i cried out "I SWEAR I WILL KILL YOU"
But the man still smiled even when our distance so close.
Then i saw his hands covered by something black.And that hand suddenly covered all my vision
I fell down..i got no strength left
"You stupid kid!if you still can't use BeguBirong,you should obey and let me punch you more! or go suck your momma's milk"
He then wear his gloves and went towards the door,leaving me behind with a pool of blood.
~ excerpt, Chapter 1, Veni, Vidi, Vici
Fresh blood dripped from my forehead, almost blinding my eyes.
The pain was excruciating. My body became limp. My spine was about to burst. Dark spots threatened to claim my vision. With much difficulty, I raised my head, refusing to give up.
The man smirked, mocking the degenerate state that I have become.
This stirred the madness within me. The thirst for revenge became overwhelming. Wrath filled my body causing me to cough. One thing resonated in my mind.
Spitting the blood, I pounced on him. “I will kill you!”
He smirked.
Getting close, I saw his hands that were covered with a black substance. He flicked a hand toward me. All of a sudden, my vision turned black and I became unsteady. Strength left my body and I fell on the ground.
“Stupid kid!” He spat. “If you can’t use BeguBirong, you should just obey me and let me punch you more.”
As he wore his gloves, he continued to mock me. “Better yet, go suck your momma’s milk.”
He disappeared through the door, leaving me behind in a pool of blood.
The pain was excruciating. My body became limp. My spine was about to burst. Dark spots threatened to claim my vision. With much difficulty, I raised my head, refusing to give up.
The man smirked, mocking the degenerate state that I have become.
This stirred the madness within me. The thirst for revenge became overwhelming. Wrath filled my body causing me to cough. One thing resonated in my mind.
Spitting the blood, I pounced on him. “I will kill you!”
He smirked.
Getting close, I saw his hands that were covered with a black substance. He flicked a hand toward me. All of a sudden, my vision turned black and I became unsteady. Strength left my body and I fell on the ground.
“Stupid kid!” He spat. “If you can’t use BeguBirong, you should just obey me and let me punch you more.”
As he wore his gloves, he continued to mock me. “Better yet, go suck your momma’s milk.”
He disappeared through the door, leaving me behind in a pool of blood.
Did you notice the changes?
When rewriting, beware of verbosity or wordiness. Wrong words could make you seem pretentious and long-winded. In the other version, each sentence has a purpose, a scene to show, an emotion to feel.
In the rewrite, note the removal of filter words/ phrases.
I feel
I looked
I saw
seems
The use of filter words and phrases puts a distance, an opaque barrier, between the reader and the story. Limit the use of filter words. A direct approach is much better.
Other examples of filter words are
assume, believe, can, decide, experience, feel, hear, know, look, noted, notice, realize, remember, see, seem, sound (sound like), taste, think (thought), touch, watch, wonder.
The focus when writing a first person POV should not be the writer. Be as unobtrusive and invisible as you can be. Don't draw the attention to yourself. Put the focus on the character, their activities. If your do this, you will draw the readers into the story. They will feel as though they are one with the character. This will make the reading experience more immersive and enjoyable.
While we looking at an excerpt of Veni, Vidi, Vici. Beware of these problems.
Repetition of words - The I, I, I, which I already discussed above.
Here are a few examples of I alternatives.
I feel like I'm hungry. --> My stomach is growling.
I believe the ball is round. --> It's known that a ball is round.
I am convinced that --> In my opinion
Grammar - Simple grammatical errors can distract the readers from the story.
- capitalization of words, I is always capitalized
Verb tense - Be consistent with your verb tense.
ex. 1) I withstand (withstood) the pain i feel (felt) and wiped the blood on my eyes.
Alternative. Withstanding the pain, I wiped the blood off my eyes.
I used a gerund withstanding. Despite using a present participle we are still consistent with the past tense here - wiped the blood. Withstanding the pain occurred simultaneously with wiping of the blood. Remove the filter phrase I feel. On my eyes feels awkward. Blood is on top of your eyes? Really? I wiped the blood off my eyes is short but it delivers the action in a straight forward manner. Off is used as a preposition to mean away from. The character removed the blood from his face.
2) I raise (raised)up my head....
How do you raise your head? Of course the direction is up. It is a given. Thus, there is no need to mention it.
Misuse of words
ex. Blood already gushing at mouth and i vomited. Better change to: Blood gushed from my mouth.
No need to use the word vomit, unless the blood came from the stomach. The character was roughed up, am I right? So the injury he received causing him to spit blood is due to the cut in his mouth. It was only exacerbated by the punches he received in his torso.
Skipping of words
ex. I looked at the man (man's) face, he still (was) smiling all over.
Better alternative: The man smiled.
Why remove the filter phrases and other words? Because they are redundant. The don't serve a purpose but to distract readers. How can you know that the man smiled? Of course the character looked. The character looking at the man is already a given in this instance. This is in line with the show, don't tell premise.
Here are a few examples of I alternatives.
I feel like I'm hungry. --> My stomach is growling.
I believe the ball is round. --> It's known that a ball is round.
I am convinced that --> In my opinion
Grammar - Simple grammatical errors can distract the readers from the story.
- capitalization of words, I is always capitalized
Verb tense - Be consistent with your verb tense.
ex. 1) I withstand (withstood) the pain i feel (felt) and wiped the blood on my eyes.
Alternative. Withstanding the pain, I wiped the blood off my eyes.
I used a gerund withstanding. Despite using a present participle we are still consistent with the past tense here - wiped the blood. Withstanding the pain occurred simultaneously with wiping of the blood. Remove the filter phrase I feel. On my eyes feels awkward. Blood is on top of your eyes? Really? I wiped the blood off my eyes is short but it delivers the action in a straight forward manner. Off is used as a preposition to mean away from. The character removed the blood from his face.
2) I raise (raised)
How do you raise your head? Of course the direction is up. It is a given. Thus, there is no need to mention it.
Misuse of words
ex. Blood already gushing at mouth and i vomited. Better change to: Blood gushed from my mouth.
No need to use the word vomit, unless the blood came from the stomach. The character was roughed up, am I right? So the injury he received causing him to spit blood is due to the cut in his mouth. It was only exacerbated by the punches he received in his torso.
Skipping of words
ex. I looked at the man (man's) face, he still (was) smiling all over.
Better alternative: The man smiled.
Why remove the filter phrases and other words? Because they are redundant. The don't serve a purpose but to distract readers. How can you know that the man smiled? Of course the character looked. The character looking at the man is already a given in this instance. This is in line with the show, don't tell premise.
Good luck on the metus contest.
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Sushirollw
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NotYourTypicalMan
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HJ
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You're welcome.
Grammarly is good especially when you use the full features. Something I found with its freeware though is that it points out stuff that it considers as an error. But when I look at it, the words are perfectly fine.
Protip: Your ears are excellent critics.
Read what you wrote out loud. If you are using a computer, try the tex-to-speech option of MS word and listen to what was written.
You will be able to spot the repititions that are hidden in silent reading. These repititions will become obvious and irritating when processed by the ears.
Grammarly is good especially when you use the full features. Something I found with its freeware though is that it points out stuff that it considers as an error. But when I look at it, the words are perfectly fine.
Protip: Your ears are excellent critics.
Read what you wrote out loud. If you are using a computer, try the tex-to-speech option of MS word and listen to what was written.
You will be able to spot the repititions that are hidden in silent reading. These repititions will become obvious and irritating when processed by the ears.
Sushirollw
Sus
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