This young master's evaluation: Not bad
It has more pov switches than I would have preferred.
I descend on the remaining beast as it greedily stuffs its mouth. It too falls, and I anticipate another warm trickle of Qi.
Then, something unexpected occurs. Another of the interlopers that had successfully escaped my swarm returns to aid its fallen ally. I pause my assault and watch in deep thought as together they rise and flee into the night.
////
Nipper and Grimclaw found themselves locked in a heated argument when Silverfur and Five-Claws trudged back to the thorn patch.
"...That's why I'm telling you, we can't just give up, we have to go back!" Nipper insisted.
However, these transition sequences are to my liking.
Nipper. Lately, sheād caught him giving her that look. Worse, Grimclaw had noticed it too, and made some not-so-subtle insinuations that she might āTeach the lad more than just raidingā. She would have to set the boy straight when they returned. He was justā¦ Well, he wasnāt her type. It was better a little pain now than to let him continue digging in the wrong direction and be crushed later.
This daoist thinks the placement of this information is strange. Maybe give hints earlier (previous chapter) or remove it because
"Listen, lad," Grimclaw softened his voice, "I get that you had a soft spot for Poison Bite, but trust me-"
āI didnāt!ā Nipper immediately denied āI meanā¦ā his voice lowered to a whisper ā...Youāre speaking like sheās already dead..."
already fulfills that purpose.
āThis isnāt a punishment, son. Thereās more to the world than sect politics and tournaments. Youāll be second in command after Senior Disciple Yu, I expect you to show leadership and wisdom.ā
āFishballs is coming?ā
His father paused at the nickname. Disciple Yu Yuanās parents were quite cruel. His name was written with the characters for āExpansiveā and āFar reachingā, but when spoken, it sounded a lot like āfishballsā. For that reason, he usually went by āSenior-disciple Yuā or just āYuā, but the two of them got along well, and it had become an affectionate moniker.
Wordplay pleases this young master more than swordplay
He and Senior Disciple Yu had entered the restaurant on a whim, just as it was opening for the evening. Lan Tian had been amused by the lively performance of the staff, who danced and sang outside, proclaiming the wondrous dishes that lay within.
āFirst, look at the teapot. It's made from authentic Yixing clay! its porous nature absorbs the essence of the tea over time. Every brew in this pot tells a story, as if it's whispering ancient secrets into our cups.ā Yu Yuan explained.
Add more tidbits like these
Certain word choices are odd.
From sunlight, a symphony of alchemy unfolds. A dance of photosynthesis, converting its brilliance into nourishment. Glucose fuels my growth; the raw material for my desires.
Use "chemistry" if it is more science-based.
Ascension. It was to fully transcend the biological functions of oneās body, to become purely spiritual, to embody a universal truth and permanently imprint oneās self into the aether, to imbue oneās soul with power so dense that this mortal plane could no longer contain it and then āpopā your existence into a higher plane.
Also, it is odd to use "aether" in a Chinese cultivation setting.
Other Comments:
Why is there a Prologue and a Prelude before a Chapter 1
While it is true "Nipper" is a strange name, this daoist should not expect much from a beast's name and this one has also heard of myths where a God named his son "Boy"
This one is also confused about Little Bamboo. There is a 14 year time skip, but bamboo grows very fast, and Little Bamboo seems to be the entire grove, not one stalk. And how does Little Bamboo have knowledge of modern science, this daoist hopes there is an explanation in the future.
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