This is my first time writing a novel and wanted to see what everyone thinks I need to improve on. Thank you all in advance!
Kamen was a young man who had recently graduated from high school and was looking forward to the next chapter of his life. However, fate had other plans for him. One day, while wandering in the woods, he stumbled upon a mysterious man named Alistair. The two started a conversation,...
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Hello, hello! Wanted to see if I could help! I'm surprised nobody's here before I am, I'm pretty new to the server, but I can offer some constructive criticism.
First off, there is very little characterization going on, very little in the ways of expressions and reactions, for descriptions of tones. The dialogue is pretty awkward and generic as well. For example, let's look at the 2nd-to-first paragraph!
<It had been a depressing day for me. "I don't understand why she had to say that before we graduated, I thought we had something." I thought back to that moment before I walked up to take my diploma, Jenny was staring at me, she looked saddened by something.>
Just declaring that it had been depressing often leads readers to be like "No duh... got anything else? Or is that it?"
You can be far more elaborate! Make these things your special snowflake in the literary world and avoid telling, and use that showing instead! You want this person to have personality, right? Well, you should describe that personality, infuse it into every word.
Out of the blue, Jenny just broke up with him. The man has to be feeling numb; sick to his stomach; incredibly angry but also befuddled and sad.. Or worse, he has a background that made it so he has terrible self-esteem, so he is absolutely terrified that something is so awful about him that Jenny is using her parents as an excuse to leave him because she can't stand to be around him anymore, and he just spirals into an anxiety-ridden mess.
Most importantly, the man has thoughts! Which might sound dumb! But this is first-person! There has to be a billion thoughts running through his mind and first-person POV is wonderful for that type of thing (and should be used for that)! And all of this applies to the entirety of the dialogue you had in your first chapter. I... uh... haven't read the rest. Sorry. But! I have reasons! It's my birthday! Got pizza to eat and a nice relaxin' shower to take.
Here's how I would write this particular paragraph, and you can apply the rules to anything else, while still trying to keep the general idea and structure that you had:
<I stared at the blank walls, a tear falling down my face as I smiled confusedly at the empty corridors. What else could I do? I was too befuddled, too numb, to understand why she would say
that. And right before we graduated? I thought we had something. Did... did I do something wrong? I rubbed my sleeve across my nose and sniffed, biting my lip. I thought back to that moment, right before I walked up to take my diploma.
"Hah," I laughed mirthlessly. I was so high off success. And during it all, Jenny stared at me, absolutely crestfallen, completely at odds to the mood. I was so caught up in the mood that I brushed it off until...>
but to be fair its my first time writing so it wouldnt be surprising 