Hoping for some feedback on a one-off I wrote.

[Brownie]

I wrote a one-off a while ago, with the potential for more story to develop. It's the first ever writing I've shared online, and I was hoping to get some feedback on it. If I get a lot of positive reviews, I'll definitely try continuing the story. There's a poll at the end, and the one-off is fairly short (A little over a thousand words). So just give me feedback from there, or post here! Constructive criticism is always welcome.

Edit; Since it doesn't seem to be in latest updates no matter how much I look, the story is (tentatively) called "The Rise of The Golden Sands". Thanks for reading it, if you do!

 

[Kotohood]

The Rise of the Golden Sands

Ozymandias, the ruler of the world, has grown old. In his youth, he started from nothing, building his tribe into a clan, a nation, an empire. He fought battle after battle, and at the end of it all, stood at the very top. However, he remains unsatisfied. He has decided...

www.scribblehub.com

It was ok I guess. I wouldn't say mediocre, but it was close to it. You spend more time describing the objects around the man rather than his achievements, his regrets and his emotions. Sure the objects you were describing did paint he was successful in a way, but I think it could have been done better. Like for example, you could have started with the man dreaming about his former glory only to wake up and see the lie that it is. That will drive home the feeling of wanting to go back to the good old days.


Grammar wise it was good. Nothing too jarring there.

The premise was also okay, not too shabby. His machinations of the gods is interesting. But as a pilot chapter, I must admit it didn't hook me as much as it should.

I enjoyed it for what it is, don't get me wrong. But everything just seems so forgettable.

These are my honest thoughts, I hope I'm not too mean or anything.

Edit:Typos.

Edit 2: PS: Your announcement box wasn't working properly either. Try to use the preview function. It helps to find these kinds of errors.

 

[UndyingEmbers]

I think it's well written and could be interested. There was some repetitiveness that I felt while reading through it and I'm not sure how I feel about his eyes constantly changing colors, but maybe that'd be explained later on. The thing I was most confused about is that he says he cannot turn back the sands of time, but at the end he does? Anyway, keep writing, I think it has potential.

 

[Kotohood]

I think it's well written and could be interested. There was some repetitiveness that I felt while reading through it and I'm not sure how I feel about his eyes constantly changing colors, but maybe that'd be explained later on. The thing I was most confused about is that he says he cannot turn back the sands of time, but at the end he does? Anyway, keep writing, I think it has potential.

Oh wow, I didn't notice the changing eye colours at all. I must have filtered it out or something.

I agree that the last part confused me as well.

 

[Brownie]

Oh wow, I didn't notice the changing eye colours at all. I must have filtered it out or something.

I agree that the last part confused me as well.

@Kotohood
@UndyingEmbers
Thank you two for your input. I didn't really consider that his decision in the end was a bit vague... And its true that I haven't described the man himself much. If you do want to know, he could not turn back time: because such a feat would be next to impossible, but sent his soul to be reincarnated in the future.
That would probably be the next chapter if I were to make this a series xD
I'll take a look at it with fresh eyes tomorrow... For now I need some sleep Zzz

 

[UndyingEmbers]

I see. That's pretty interesting. You could probably just rewrite that last part to make it clearer somehow. Overall, if you do write more, I'll be sure to check it out. ^_^