How good is my story

real.Tensai

Active member
Joined
Dec 31, 2021
Messages
1
Points
41
Honestly I just need feedback for my story. I'm a new author and this is my first work. I do think my story is good but still need feedback.

 

SakeVision

Sama/kisama
Joined
Jul 30, 2021
Messages
1,013
Points
128
What logical cause-and-effect decision process made you write in such a way, that 90% of everything is just dialogs?
 

LillyanaKabal

Active member
Joined
May 16, 2021
Messages
21
Points
43
Paragraphing is certainly...overzealous. For example;




I think we all once watched a sport anime and thought fully motivated,



"I will start doing this sport!"



But most of the time we didn't even start or quit after a few days.



I thought this time would be the same. I start but end up giving up because it would be to hard or I wasn't talented.



But this time it should be different.



Could be much easier written and read as;

I think we all once watched a sport anime and thought fully motivated, "I will start doing this sport!" But most of the time we didn't even start or quit after a few days. I thought this time would be the same. I start but end up giving up because it would be to hard or I wasn't talented. But this time it should be different.


Also, If you want to show passage of time within the same chapter, use Asterisk. Three of them like * * * is what I use. It looks cleaner than just random dots.
 

Gryphon

The One who has the Eyes
Joined
Dec 10, 2021
Messages
681
Points
133
A few suggestions right here. First off, work on your dialougue. It sounds robotic and not at all human. For example, the first thing the MC says is "I will start doing this sport." Now say that aloud and you'll see what I mean by when it sounds robotic. In fact, I don't think there should be spoken dialogue in the first place. This is another problem I see you have. Your narration doesn't convey any emotions or information. It's just basic statements one after the next. Here's how I would write this scene.

Your version:
I think we all once watched a sport anime and thought fully motivated,



"I will start doing this sport!"



But most of the time we didn't even start or quit after a few days.



I thought this time would be the same. I start but end up giving up because it would be to hard or I wasn't talented.



But this time it should be different.

My version:
I wake up one day at 3AM, feeling motivated as all hell. Once my eyelids open, I tell myself that I'll train again and again until I can successfully make three 3-point shots in a row. I've tried again and again, but every time I dunk the second shot, the third never hits. It either misses the mark by miles, or does some insane level gymnastics just to screw with my emotions.

However, this isn't going to be like all those other days. It's 3AM, the perfect time to feel motivated to do anything in life. The sun hasn't even risen yet and I'm already getting my life together. This is the day it all changes. Smacking the side of my face so hard my cheeks turn red, I pump myself up, telling myself this'll be the day. I jump in place, my heart starts pumping, and I move toward the door. As soon as I touch the door handle, the hype leaves my soul and I fall to the floor.

"I'll do it tomorrow."

Now compare the original to the new one. The original tells us nothing about the main character, the situation he's in, and it doesn't even hint at the premise of the story. Where as the new one doe all those things. The main character is ambitious and has a goal of what he wants to do. He wants to score three 3-pointers in a row to prove to himself that he has skill to be a basketball player. However, he finds it hard to fulfill his ambitions and ends up putting them off.

It also does a few other things like show us the character's limits. He can shoot two goals, but not a third. That gives him something to work toward and a through line for his actions later on. It also adds in a spice of comedy to give the narration some character rather than just being bland and boring statements. It even adds to the word count.

I hope this advice can help you improve in your future endeavors.
 
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