Is my prologue attention grabbing enough?

[Sandycat135]

Hi!
This is my first piece of writing. It's the prologue for my story.
I would love some criticism.
It's about a fantasy world
Not really JRPG, but more traditional, more resembling the middle ages.



The white abyss stared at him.

He stared at it back.

Empty. Intimidating. Devoid of anything. But so full of possibilities.

What would he write?
The guards would come and collect him tomorrow. His time was running out.

This piece of parchment would determine his future.
Would he be executed? He wondered briefly, then tossed the idea carelessly aside. Of course he would. He had accepted this possibility a long time ago.

But, a small part of him still wondered. What had gone wrong? The future was exactly the same. Why did they lose? The plan was perfect. Was there a traitor? No, there wasn't one, in the future he saw.

He stared at the sharpened quill, the black inkpot.

He fiddled with the messy shaved bits of the goose-feather, dirty with sweat as his shaking hands slowly calmed down. He wiped his wet palms on his trousers, taking in a jittery, ragged breath.

So he was scared of death, after all. His eyes felt a little wet.
It was ironic.

Such a great writer. He had started the revolution. He had hundreds of lives in his palm. He was steering the future. And, when he was given the opportunity, when he could finally make a difference with the carefully crafted words that he chose -

He let go of it all.

He couldn't do it.

The pen shook, splatting droplets everywhere on the mahogany desk. No! He screamed in his head. He would not give up. And he started to write.

What effect would it have? Whatever, he dismissed coldly. The power of the spirits were undefeatable.

He would never know.

Because as he collapsed with exhaustion, the last dregs of his consciousness gone.

So, that was the punishment for selling your soul. He thought

And so, the story continued.

As a weary ember blew out, just like that.

Time ticked on.

 

[Nixil]

There really isn't much to say except for the writing/prose. From the title to the synopsis and prologue, I don't have any clue what story you are going to write about except that it's a story. What you have written is used mainly to showcase your writing skills. While it's fine, I don't think you have properly used the prologue to it's full effect. This is the first thing the readers will read so everything else will be built upon it. An effective opening would not only showcase good writing, but also impact the rest of the novel (Perhaps see Steins;Gate as an example?). Almost nothing is setup for later payoff; the only mystery is the name of the person who died. I don't really see how you will follow through with this. Maybe if you hadn't revealed what he wrote then I could see how there would be a major payoff later, but either the synopsis or the prologue needs to clue the reader in to what they are reading about.

The rest of this will be about the writing/prose if you're interested<?>:

Spoiler: Opening lines

I understand that 'white abyss' is meant to represent the paper, but the reader won't have a clue what it is the first time round reading it. Typically you would set the scene and confuse the reader the first sentence, but it is your choice. For a paper describing it as an abyss is a bit of a stretch as a blank piece of paper doesn't have any depth, but it's honestly just perspective. I would describe the size of the emptiness rather than the emptiness itself, but that's my perspective. The first two sentences should probably be joined together as it feels much more natural: 'The abyss stared at him and he stared back' or even 'The abyss stared at him. And he stared back' with the sentences being on different lines (while it may not be grammatically correct it does feel nicer to read. Take what you want from this.

Spoiler: Repetition

Repetition is fine, but if used too often it can be annoying to read. I don't know when that point is though. 'He couldn't. He just couldn't. He never could.' This use is pretty good. It shows the development of the characters frustration and also reveals a bit about the characters past and perhaps personality. On the other hand: 'What would he write? What could he write? What could he write - for those times that would come, for the time once was?' you might as well have written 'What could he write?' three times.

Spoiler: Grammar

KEKW grammar what is that? Can I eat it?

I also saw you posting another thing for feedback. Is this prologue at all related to that?

 

[Ral]

I agree with Nixil in this. There is just nothing in this prologue for you to be interested about.

I think you are trying to be poetic here but the prose is hackeneyed and lacks a sense of beauty. The message is also tackled unimaginatively, very obvious with how you repeat things over and over and over. Repetition is a great tool, but it can't substitute for substance.

And even if the poetry is taken out, I can't make sense of the narrative. An anonymous person have writer's block, writes a few lines and then dies. Is writer's block deadly? I could try to look deeply into this but I don't think you really have anything deep to say here.

Looking at it in a narrative point . . . there is still nothing there. It doesn't say anything about what the story would be. I mean, a person writes a few lines and then dies . . . what story exactly would come out from this? Even with what was writen, it is just too nebulous to mean anything. There is no narrative hook that would grab your interest. The theme is very ambiguous if not absent. The character is anonymous. There is just nothing here story-wise.

Overall, this prologue is just empty.

Prologues have a bad reputation. They tend to be pointless. This, sadly, is one of those.

 

[clover2218]

Spoiler: I don't know if you'd like it, but this is my take

The white abyss stared at him.

He stared at it back. Even the word 'white' doesn't excuse the fact that this is a cliche. Also, is the paragraph break really necessary?

Empty. Intimidating. Devoid of anything.

But so full of possibilities. Again, unnecessary paragraph breaks just hinder the flow of reading. There are ways to use short, even one-word paragraphs as they are good for creating impact. But here, it feels more halting than anything impactful. The previous line(empty... of anything) is a better paragraph break. It created the right kind of impact.

What would he write?

What could he write?

What could he write The repetition here feels clunky to me. It doesn't feel very meaningful I guess? I don't know, it just feels kinda off.- for those times that would come, for the time once was? This, again, is a cliche.

This piece of parchment would determine his future.

He stared at the sharpened quill; the black inkpot; the ideas that could pour out - the words that could create.

He fiddled with the messy shaved bits of the goose-feather, dirty with sweat as his shaking hands slowly calmed down. Good description He wiped his wet palms on his trousers, taking in a jittery, ragged breath. Really shows the struggle he's going through.

It was ironic.

Such a great writer. And, when he was given the opportunity, when he could finally make a difference with the carefully crafted words that he chose-

He couldn't.

He just couldn't.

He never could. The repetition here feels more natural, but still, paragraph break.

The pen shook, splatting minuscule droplets everywhere on the mahogany desk.

No! He screamed in his head. He would not give up. He, who would write with his own blood, would never give up.

And he started to write.

What legends would he create?

What tales of glory and splendour, would he make with the opportunity of

a lifetime? All these short paragraphs really make the reading clunky. And here you didn't even end the sentence before one. It's not a poem, is it?

He would never know.

Because as he collapsed with exhaustion, the last dregs of his consciousness gone.

He left one line.

His last words

His last declaration.

Carved on the white abyss, in jet black. This sentence is sorta cool.

The sticky ink, dripping on his hand, eerily bloodlike.

With the final traces of flickering firelight, he saw them.

Continue.

Through death.

Through pain.

Through hopelessness.

Through despair.

The story goes on.

And so, the story continued.

As a weary ember blew out, just like that.

Time ticked on.

Hm, what more can I say? Paragraph breaks are powerful tools if used correctly. And while I believe there are places even for cliches, they are largely useless. About the prologue itself though, I have nothing to say. It didn't leave any impression on me. I don't see how this could create an impact on the story itself, nor who or what I'll be reading about. If this incident affects the story in any way, I for the life of me can't see what...

And on the subject of prologues, I'd be grateful if you can head to this thread and give your honest opinions about my own prologue... (Yes, this is shameless advertising...)

 

[Sandycat135]

Thanks for the feedback! I'll try and write a better one.

I also saw you posting another thing for feedback. Is this prologue at all related to that?

Yes.

Spoiler: How it all connects, if you're interested

The writer travelled back in time after dying a pointless death, wishing to be remembered by the world. He helped with the revolution that he knew would win. But he didn't. Something went wrong. He disappeared, since he sold his soul to a chaos spirit. The spirit messes with people with vague wishes, and so burned everything he ever wrote, to leave it up to the kingdom what he would be remembered for.
The war is a few years later. I'm planning to have the chaos spirit coming back again.