neat so far, will probably keep reading
WHOO! Awesome! Enjoy!
I'll check out your story!
I checked out the first chapter! Fabulous start!
First- Compliments and rightful praise of the enjoyable parts: the prose is great! I really appreciate the descriptors and verbs used for dialogue and action. They conjure a great image for the mind, and are not the ones that are overused either. It really makes me feel in the moment, and I think that is one of the greatest strengths of the story so far. Being able to feel the nausea and the shaking, as well as know the body language the MC and other characters go through, really serve to capture my investment.
I also find the uniqueness of fantasy creatures in space to be a great hook that will likely lead me to reading more of the story.
The rushed format is pulled off quite well, and gives it nice pacing for the action.
As I said in the comment, I absolutely adore the odd digital/anime actions brought into real-life reality, with a reasonable view on it. I want more of that strangeness inhuman-ness. Hopefully there is more and it is focused on too!
Overall, super strong first chapter and throws the reader into the action in a great way, at least to me.
Second- Feedback: "Spaceships just didn’t do that when things worked or they weren’t near a planet." This sentence is kind of awkward in terms of word choice and the obviousness of certain assumptions (for example, readers tend to be like "Duh, of course spaceships make sounds when things don't work"). I, personally, would put this part "Spaceships just didn’t do that when things worked" as one sentence as well. And for the second part of the sentence, maybe it could be rewritten to a thought of the MC in question form, like "
Maybe they were near a planet? How could that happen though? Oh [bleep]!" Just suggesting though!
"Zarine shouted, realising her voice wouldn't reach the tiny fairy." Realizing is supposed to have a z, not an s. That's just me being nitpicky though! Also, I would change these to transition better "Zarine shouted, only to realize that her voice wouldn't reach the tiny fairy." Something like that.
"Even Tyna, our resident Space Fairy, was fine but still somehow asleep in a small box on one of the pilot seats." I think this is a separate thought, right? It should be put into italics, since we are changing from 3rd-person to 1st-person for this sentence.
I do want to know more about the ship and the consoles, finding out about the environment as she goes around in a frenzy trying to make sure everyone is saved.
