Looking for feedback on first chapter of my new story

[hrhngnbrbhgrng]

Hey, I recently just started working on a fantasy story that you can find here.

Right now, I've only got one chapter done. But obviously, first impressions are important, right? So I want to have my first chapter critiqued and analyzed so I can 1. fix it up and 2. fix up later chapters.

The theme I'm aiming for in the long run is basically what you can see in the genres. Action, adventure, comedy, fantasy, drama.

Things I'm especially looking for feedback on is the style, character quality, and overall quality.

Thanks.

 

[JustHANO]

I really can't. I enjoyed it too much. The character was enjoyable and described very well. Used really descriptive words to explain the pains. Yeah I ain't got nothing bad to say.

 

[Jemini]

You seem to more or less have the right idea, but the style can use some work, especially in the paragraph structure department.

I didn't quite feel all that immersed by the tone, and a lot of the reason is that each paragraph is too short and you move from one idea to the next too quickly. Try taking a little more time to dwell on each individual idea and give a little more detail to it. You seem to be aware you should start a new paragraph every time a new idea comes up, so stick to that rule and make the paragraphs longer. Given what I see of your writing ability already, the simple act of making the paragraphs longer should cause the innate awareness of the other rules of writing you seem to have to force you to make the rest of the necessary corrections here without me having to call them out individually.

 

[Rudexvirus]

At a glance I agree about the paragraphs.

Short paragraphs and line breaks are great, especially when using online formats for writing/reading. They help break up the text and can really add tension and help with pacing, as well as add importance to special lines and sentences.

But if all the paragraphs are tiny, and a lot of lines are by themselves it has the opposite effect. I don't know which ones are more important and all of them lose impact. It makes the story feel longer becuase everything is out on its own.

Make those beefier and I think it will do a wonders for the story.