Looking for feedback, Stray Soul Vol.1

[MortalWriter]

Greetings everyone,

I posted the prologue and first 11 chapters of the manuscript I have completed. There has not been many interested readers. Part of me feels that the chapters might be too long. Part of me is concerned that the story is not good. Anyone willing and able, please give the work a look and let me know. All feedback are welcome.

If the chapters are indeed too long for readers, I can split the chapters into smaller posts. If the lack of interest is due to a lack of “updates” for the completed manuscript, I can repost the 11 chapters on a timed schedule to create exposure.

Thank you.

Stray Soul Volume 1 (Manuscript)

 

[Malonymous]

Hello, easy ways to get more attention and readers:
1. Space out your chapter postings a bit, I've heard once a day is recommended if you are posting a lot. Each time you post one your story shows up on the front page for a while.
2. Shorter chapters with more frequent postings. This one is up to you, and shorter might not always necessarily be better in the long run. For example, a thousand words of exposition and not a lot of action with no cliffhanger may be a turn off for some readers.
3. On this site, a cover image with an anime girl. This is also up to you, but it works for the clicks

From what I read, aside from the occasional typo I would recommend that you be careful with your tenses. Most of it is written in past tense but sometimes there are sentences in present tense. Some readers may find abruptly switching tenses distracting, but present tense works with italicized thoughts from characters of course.

 

[AMissingLinguist]

I lightly skimmed through your novel, and I found nothing that stood out.

What makes your story unique? What differentiates your story from other similar stories? Just from looking at the length of each chapter, I felt like I was doing chores instead of finding enjoyment from reading. Just with word count alone, you definitely compete with other Chinese novels in being long winded. There's too much telling, and not enough showing.

"The disciples then complained that he was making the sect mission harder than it needed to be. The Chief Elders immediately took turns and chastised the disciples for being lazy, not valuing this opportunity to gain fighting experience and merit points," -Chapter 10: Intention to Come to Light . Who are these people? They don't matter to the reader at all. Why am I reading about this? I can't sympathize with faceless people. Give them names and personality. Have characters besides Vazarl Nulu say something a kid would say. This is only a small part of what I found dull to read.

You're story isn't so bad it's terrible. The grammar is fine, and I found no spelling mistakes.

I would rate your novel a 3/5. It's average. Sorry to be blunt, but nothing stands out, and I would rather watch paint dry than read this story. At least with bad stories, I have something that sticks in my mind. I hope my feedback helps. Good luck, @MortalWriter.

 

[MortalWriter]

Hello, easy ways to get more attention and readers:
1. Space out your chapter postings a bit, I've heard once a day is recommended if you are posting a lot. Each time you post one your story shows up on the front page for a while.
2. Shorter chapters with more frequent postings. This one is up to you, and shorter might not always necessarily be better in the long run. For example, a thousand words of exposition and not a lot of action with no cliffhanger may be a turn off for some readers.
3. On this site, a cover image with an anime girl. This is also up to you, but it works for the clicks

From what I read, aside from the occasional typo I would recommend that you be careful with your tenses. Most of it is written in past tense but sometimes there are sentences in present tense. Some readers may find abruptly switching tenses distracting, but present tense works with italicized thoughts from characters of course.

Thank you for the feedback. I looked through the early chapters again and saw that my tenses were all over the place. I shall take down these chapters to edit, then repost once I have received more feedback.

 

[MortalWriter]

I lightly skimmed through your novel, and I found nothing that stood out.

What makes your story unique? What differentiates your story from other similar stories? Just from looking at the length of each chapter, I felt like I was doing chores instead of finding enjoyment from reading. Just with word count alone, you definitely compete with other Chinese novels in being long winded. There's too much telling, and not enough showing.

"The disciples then complained that he was making the sect mission harder than it needed to be. The Chief Elders immediately took turns and chastised the disciples for being lazy, not valuing this opportunity to gain fighting experience and merit points," -Chapter 10: Intention to Come to Light . Who are these people? They don't matter to the reader at all. Why am I reading about this? I can't sympathize with faceless people. Give them names and personality. Have characters besides Vazarl Nulu say something a kid would say. This is only a smart part of what I found dull to read.

You're story isn't so bad it's terrible. The grammar is fine, and I found no spelling mistakes.

I would rate your novel a 3/5. It's average. Sorry to be blunt, but nothing stands out, and I would rather watch paint dry than read this story. At least with bad stories, I have something that sticks in my mind. I hope my feedback helps. Good luck, @MortalWriter.

Thank you for the feedback. From the web novels I read previously, I also found myself skimming a lot and skipping some sections entirely. Therefore, I had intended to write a story that would be read chronologically, with a protagonist who has to revise his own plans as the story unfolds. My focus was on plot and character development, so there are time skips and expositions for those time skips. If I am to show every development in detail, there would be a lot of repetition and skippable sequences. In general, I tried to not name characters who do not show up later in the story. The fact that you picked a random chapter and found it boring is a concern, however.

Is the work bland because of the skimming (in search of action sequence) or bland because of the narration is too long winded?

 

[AMissingLinguist]

Thank you for the feedback. From the web novels I read previously, I also found myself skimming a lot and skipping some sections entirely. Therefore, I had intended to write a story that would be read chronologically, with a protagonist who has to revise his own plans as the story unfolds. My focus was on plot and character development, so there are time skips and expositions for those time skips. If I am to show every development in detail, there would be a lot of repetition and skippable sequences. In general, I tried to not name characters who do not show up later in the story. The fact that you picked a random chapter and found it boring is a concern, however.

Is the work bland because of the skimming (in search of action sequence) or bland because of the narration is too long winded?

To answer your question, a lot of both. I also decided to read partway through and give my thoughts on parts of chapter 10.

Why did so many people gather for sect mission with Vazarl? Do they not have their own lives to live?

Why would Vazarl seem impish when helping his fellow disciples after luring mana beasts? Isn't he just an asshole?

What was the point of the sect leader passing the flute to another person, who also passed it on? Am I suppose to be laughing or crying?

Why am I reading about the Crown Prince admitting about losing instead of reading a conversation of him admitting it? Why tell me instead of showing it? "Huanlan might be my superior in cultivation/hunting/whatever, but Vazarl is nothing compared to me."

I've yet to actually read a western author use "[subject] smiling and asked" in a hardback book. Someone doing the "smiling ask" just makes me think of China.

How did the disciples fight during the 3 continuous hours? Did they just take turns similar to RPGs? Hit, get hit, repeat? Why is only Vazarl unscathed? Was he a coward?

I don't care about the faceless disciples speculating. If the speculation mattered, it would be have to be in dialogue, heard through whispers or wild theories made between friends.

Why the hell is Drakkean telling me that Vazarl is capable of committing atrocities? Am I suppose to like Vazarl now that I know he can kill me 10 times over?

Why is Crown Prince Altan feeling humiliated? I thought he was fine being below Huanlan?

What were the disciples doing during the month long sect mission? Did they eat mana beast meat? Did no one get hurt?

Before I even got a a third of the way into the chapter, I'm burned out from reading. That's not a good sign.

Why are people giving up their cultivation cores?

I stopped after reading about the relinquishing of cores and skimmed. I tried to keep reading, but the more I read, the more I wanted to not read. There's only so much I can take of mind numbing reading.

 

[MortalWriter]

To answer your question, a lot of both. I also decided to read partway through and give my thoughts on parts of chapter 10.

Why did so many people gather for sect mission with Vazarl? Do they not have their own lives to live?

Why would Vazarl seem impish when helping his fellow disciples after luring mana beasts? Isn't he just an asshole?

What was the point of the sect leader passing the flute to another person, who also passed it on? Am I suppose to be laughing or crying?

Why am I reading about the Crown Prince admitting about losing instead of reading a conversation of him admitting it? Why tell me instead of showing it? "Huanlan might be my superior in cultivation/hunting/whatever, but Vazarl is nothing compared to me."

I've yet to actually read a western author use "[subject] smiling and asked" in a hardback book. Someone doing the "smiling ask" just makes me think of China.

How did the disciples fight during the 3 continuous hours? Did they just take turns similar to RPGs? Hit, get hit, repeat? Why is only Vazarl unscathed? Was he a coward?

I don't care about the faceless disciples speculating. If the speculation mattered, it would be have to be in dialogue, heard through whispers or wild theories made between friends.

Why the hell is Drakkean telling me that Vazarl is capable of committing atrocities? Am I suppose to like Vazarl now that I know he can kill me 10 times over?

Why is Crown Prince Altan feeling humiliated? I thought he was fine being below Huanlan?

What were the disciples doing during the month long sect mission? Did they eat mana beast meat? Did no one get hurt?

Before I even got a a third of the way into the chapter, I'm burned out from reading. That's not a good sign.

Why are people giving up their cultivation cores?

I stopped after reading about the relinquishing of cores and skimmed. I tried to keep reading, but the more I read, the more I wanted to not read. There's only so much I can take of mind numbing reading.

Thank you so much for the questions! These questions show how underdeveloped the work is and that I had rushed to put words on paper. The story was in my head and I was able to observe the situations, but, as you noted, the reader does not observe the occurrences I had in mind. The work is bad. I can only try again and repost when these questions have been addressed without forcing readers to trudge through “mind numbing reading.”

 

[AMissingLinguist]

Thank you so much for the questions! These questions show how underdeveloped the work is and that I had rushed to put words on paper. The story was in my head and I was able to observe the situations, but, as you noted, the reader does not observe the occurrences I had in mind. The work is bad. I can only try again and repost when these questions have been addressed without forcing readers to trudge through “mind numbing reading.”

Good luck on rewriting! I hope you succeed in your endeavors.