Looking for help with my story's description

UndyingEmbers

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Hi, everyone! I started a new story recently, and I'm really struggling with coming up with a good description it. The primary genres are isekai and fantasy. I'm hoping that some of you might be able to read the first chapter as well as the blurb that I have come up with so far in order to help me come up with something better. Anyway, thanks to all of you in advance!

Here's what I have so far:

After a long day of school followed by hours of cram school in Tokyo, Yukito just wants to relax a little on his train ride home. Unfortunately for him, his world is turned upside down when he finds himself summoned to another world and is told by an all powerful voice that he must choose a form and a power. Things only get better when the priestess who summons him calls him a loser, and tosses him to the street.

Join Yukito as he tries to make his way in a fantastical world of magic, beasts, war, and gods!


Link to story: Neverenthia

Edit: I hope this is in the right location. If not, I'm sorry. ^_^;
 

Bronzeapollo

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If I were to judge the blurb on its own, it's very generic. Which isn't a bad thing, more of a neutral thing. People who were interested in the story, to begin with, will still be interested and those who weren't likely still won't.

So I would personally suggest something shorter. The "description", will refer to as synopsis, is meant to pull the reader in. Something you already understand. But something I feel is forgotten is the power and usefulness of hooks. A synopsis doesn't need to be long or even tell the whole prologue. It is meant to gain potential readers attention and get them to read the first chapter.

So let's say you find 2 titles and cover arts equally interesting, but one has a long synopsis while the other is say two lines. Which will you read first? Likely the two lined one, and if the two lines are interesting enough to pull you in, you may not read the second potential story. Doesn't mean the other story was any better or worse, but attention is likely to be lost when readers are prowling for new books.

Now I've gone on a long, likely useless, tangent. Let's see what me, and hopefully others, can do to help.

After a long day of school followed by hours of cram school in Tokyo, Yukito just wants to relax a little on his train ride home. Unfortunately for him, his world is turned upside down when he finds himself summoned to another world and is told by an all powerful voice that he must choose a form and a power. Things only get better when the priestess who summons him calls him a loser, and tosses him to the street.

Join Yukito as he tries to make his way in a fantastical world of magic, beasts, war, and gods!
(I'm someone who wished writing teachers would explain their corrections step by step but if you aren't such, I put the show my work in the spoilers.)

After a long day of school followed by hours of cram school in Tokyo, Yukito just wants to relax a little on his train ride home. Unfortunately for him, his world is turned upside down when he finds himself summoned to another world and is told by an all powerful voice that he must choose a form and a power. Things only get better when the priestess who summons him calls him a loser, and tosses him to the street.

Join Yukito as he tries to make his way in a fantastical world of magic, beasts, war, and gods!

So there is what I would remove to start with. We first removed everything that wasn't needed for the reader to be interested.

After a long day of school followed by hours of cram school, Yukito just wants to relax on his train ride home. He finds himself summoned to another world, told by an all-powerful voice that he must choose a form and power. Things only get better, the priestess who summons him tosses him to the street.

Great! Now let's enhance the writing.
  1. Make sure everything is in the same tense (I personally use past, so I will use that for my suggested summary)
  2. Change repeated words to fitting synonyms
  3. Choose more exciting words
  4. Add passion to the writing, with exclamation marks and questions
  5. Add a hook
  6. Add a cliffhanging closer
  7. Make final edits
(Every step will be its own spoiler. Read based on which ones you want.)

After a long day of school followed by hours of cram school, Yukito just wanted to relax on his train ride home. He found himself summoned to another world, told by an all-powerful voice that he must choose a form and power. Things only got better, the priestess who summoned him tossed him to the street.

After a long day of school followed by hours of cram school, Yukito just wanted to relax on his train ride home. Despite this, he was summoned to another world, told by an all-powerful voice that he must choose a form and power. Immediately thereafter, he was tossed aside by the priestess who summoned him.


Succeeding the day of both school and cram school, Yukito just wanted to unwind on his train ride home. In defiance of this, he was summoned to another world, directed by an all-powerful voice that he must optate a form and power. Cast aside by the priestess who summoned him thereafter.

Succeeding the intense day of both school and cram school, Yukito only dreamt of unwinding! In defiance of his desire, he was summoned to another world! Seamlessly, directed by an all-powerful voice that he must optate both a form and power. Fate pulled no punches, cast aside by the priestess who summoned him thereafter.

The world punches once you shrug it off annoyed. The world punches again, you curse to the heavens. The world raises it's fist a third time? You won't allow her the chance for a fourth.
Succeeding the intense day of both school and cram school, Yukito only dreamt of unwinding! Fate had sent its first punch. In defiance of his desire, he was summoned to another world! Seamlessly, directed by an arrogant voice that he must optate both a form and power. Fate pulled no punches for her second assault, cast aside by the priestess who summoned him thereafter.

Fate punches once you shrug it off annoyed. Fate punches again, you curse to the heavens. Fate raises her fist a third time? You won't allow her the chance for a fourth.
Succeeding the intense day of both school and cram school, Yukito only dreamt of unwinding! Fate had sent its first punch. In defiance of his desire, he was summoned to another world! Seamlessly, directed by an arrogant voice that he must optate both a form and power. Fate pulled no punches for her second assault, cast aside by the priestess who summoned him thereafter.
Fate had her first two chances, with the third Yukito will take his fight to the gods. Now that will be a story to behold.

Fate punches once you shrug it off annoyed. Fate punches again, you curse to the heavens. Fate raises her fist a third time? You won't allow her the chance for a fourth.
Succeeding the intense day of both school and cram school, Yukito only dreamt of unwinding! Fate had sent its first punch. In defiance of his desire, he was summoned to another world! Seamlessly, directed by an arrogant voice that he must optate both a form and power. Fate pulled no punches for her second assault, immediately berated and cast aside by the priestess who summoned him thereafter.
Fate had her first two chances, with the third Yukito will take his fight to the gods. Now that will be a story to behold.

Hopefully, this is useful to you. My final suggestion would be:
Fate punches once, you shrug it off annoyed. Fate punches again, you curse to the heavens. Fate raises her fist a third time? You won't allow her the chance for a fourth.
Succeeding the intense day of both school and cram school, Yukito only dreamt of unwinding! Fate had sent its first punch. In defiance of his desire, he was summoned to another world! Seamlessly, directed by an arrogant voice that he must optate both a form and power. Fate pulled no punches for her second assault, immediately berated and cast aside by the priestess who summoned him thereafter.
Fate had her first two chances, with the third Yukito will take his fight to the gods. Now that will be a story to behold.
 

UndyingEmbers

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Thank you so much for the detailed advice! It really makes a huge difference to see that short and sweet is better than a long detailed description that gives away the whole prologue. I hadn't been sure on how to approach this without giving any major spoilers, but this style of synopsis looks great and packs a punch! I'm going to rework my description based upon your suggestions.
----EDIT----
This is what I've come up with based on your suggestions:

Fate had never pulled its punches when it came to Yukito. He was forced day in and day out to endure endless hours of studying; only to have his day end with a long train ride home. All he wanted was to be able to zone out and listen to music for a while, but fate decided to smash her cruel fist into his face once more! He found himself whisked away to another world and told by a disembodied voice to choose a form and his power. What the hell did that mean, anyway!? Not only that, but was he welcomed to this new world with open arms? Of course not! He was summarily tossed into the street by the very priestess who summoned him.

Yukito had endured all that he was going to; it was time for him to take fate into his own hands once and for all and spit into the face of the gods.
------------
 
Last edited:

Bronzeapollo

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Much better than your first one!
Keep practicing with the style and you will get better and better every time :D
Glad my suggestions could help!
 

CupcakeNinja

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I skimmed, and if it were me? I would add more personality. Here's roughly how i woulda done it:
So. You're walking home, right. Tired, hungry, waiting to munch out on that leftover Chinese you got in the fridge before hitting the hay. Then BOOM. Summoned to another world. No Truck-sama, no big breasted milf goddess. Nope, just an annoying voice telling you what to do. And when you get done? The fucking cunt of a priestess you're given to throws your sorry ass out on the streets.

Now you can either work the corners or get petty and cause some chaos. You channel your inner bitch and choose the latter. Great! Now let's get started. There's a priestess out there who's cheeks need clappin' and a god kicked in the 'nads.

--something like that, off the top of my head. If you like it feel free to use it.
 

Vladarius

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I skimmed, and if it were me? I would add more personality. Here's roughly how i woulda done it:
So. You're walking home, right. Tired, hungry, waiting to munch out on that leftover Chinese you got in the fridge before hitting the hay. Then BOOM. Summoned to another world. No Truck-sama, no big breasted milf goddess. Nope, just an annoying voice telling you what to do. And when you get done? The fucking cunt of a priestess you're given to throws your sorry ass out on the streets.

Now you can either work the corners or get petty and cause some chaos. You channel your inner bitch and choose the latter. Great! Now let's get started. There's a priestess out there who's cheeks need clappin' and a god kicked in the 'nads.

--something like that, off the top of my head. If you like it feel free to use it.
omfg man your a legend XD.
 

Vladarius

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well so far the first chapter is full of info dumps which are quite rigid. without any dynamical sentences. the main character, well is that guy a main character ? because so far in the first chapter what you gave in the info dumps are that he hates studying, he likes music on the train, he studies a lot because of strict parents. is he good socially ? does he like memes ? is he anti social ? is he introverted or extroverted? does he have any passion ? well no, he is just another generic isekai character. in the first chapter you gave us an overview of what happened before and after the events of the world transport. and not an overview about the main character. while the second chapter shows us the other side of the isekai coin, while isekai has good points its has bad ones too, like each main character having "The Gamer's Mind" ability from The Gamer manga which lets characters be very calm in any situation. ig it would be too unnatural being anxious, nervous, scared, or suicidal in an unknown place with unknown dangers. leaving behind stuff like games, trolls on the internet, memes! etc. would have been even a bigger shit to swallow.
 
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