My Free Feedback Thread

[MichaelKiuchi]

Hello Proctor, if you find the time please give my first chapter a review. (2 is in the making) thx in advance

War zone Wellness - Chapter 1 Okay, this hardly can´t get any weirder | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Proctor]

Hello! I would like a review as well. Thank you in advance! Edit: I forgot to mention that I want it here.
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/536925/under-thanatos-gaze/

Hello, sorry about being late. I read all chapters at the time of this review.

I guess it should be mentioned that while I’m most likely not the target audience for this story, I do have experience with the tropes. I’ve seen or read novels/comics like ‘Under The Oak Tree’, ‘Marriage And Sword’, ‘Villainess’ Stationary Store’, ‘Death Is The Only Ending’, ‘Villainess Reverses The Hourglass’, ’Red Knight Does Not Blindly Follow Money’… and more similar works I can’t remember off the top of my head. With that in mind, I’ll continue.

I guess you went with a mix of Duchess management crossed with the classic shy to confident emotional journey. A safe choice, though I have a couple of worries. One that immediately comes to mind is the MC herself and the potential danger of making her too much of a nervous wreck that causes fatal misunderstandings. While both are surprisingly common tropes in the Duchess space, having your focal character be too incompetent — even under understandable circumstances — and be subject to more ruthless misunderstandings before some proper growth and emotional healing can come eerily close to unintentional torture porn. Even ‘Under The Oak Tree’ laid off on the tension a bit after the first night. (Granted, the comic version did a poor job of portraying why the sex had to happen to begin with, but oh well.)

The other worry is the hook. Since I think you’re playing the concepts safe I’m wondering what your novel will do that’ll make it stand out from the others in the same sphere. Your synopsis, while mentioning the basics, didn’t exactly come with a hook that would give readers a general idea of the unique concept in play. The title might suggest that she may get a supernatural uncle that helps her with her marriage, but I’m only assuming at this point. Granted, there were only around 7,000 words to go off of, but I think I got my point across.

Grammar-wise, I’m inclined to believe that you’re not using a writing software that highlights misspellings, as there are spelling mistakes in the novel that a basic software would immediately catch. I put a few examples in the pile so you can see what I mean. That being said, Grammarly, LibreOffice, and Google Docs are free options to help with this, while a phone would come with an autocorrect feature I assume. Don’t write on Notepad.

Another is what I feel to be awkwardly written sentences, where either the wrong word was used and changed the intent of the sentence or a lot of words bogged up the meaning where a few simpler ones would’ve been better. I’m not talking about description exactly, but rather this odd situation where the topic or subject in the sentence gets changed midway and fogs up the overall clarity.

Grammar pile: (Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong or ignore my advice)

Spoiler: A bit of a chunky one this time

‘Walking on a black stoned pathway, the tall man dragged the souls with bloody and soaked in mud appearances of two recently deceased adults.’
- Awkward sentence.

‘On his back he had a sack with another soul still captured in a cruel-looking body which moved from time to time but so slightly that nobody couldn’t even believe it was not because of involuntary reflexes.’
- Awkward sentence.

“I am not going to do this. I have already took a decision. Her body can’t held her soul much longer, and sooner or later her time will come.”
- ‘made my’ instead of ‘took a’
- ‘hold’ instead of ‘held’

‘Thanatos lowered his gaze to the girl’s body and pondered quietly and carefully, intensely analyzing the condition in which she truly was.’
- ‘intensely analyzing her condition’, and remove the rest after it, I think.

‘Thanatos looked again at the girl and sighed heavely, moving his head aside.’
- ‘heavily’

‘Her cousin had borrowed her all of these so she could make a good impression on the first meeting with the Duke of Wintkrim.’
- ‘Her cousin had let her borrow all of these’, I think.
- ‘a good first impression with the duke of Wintkrim’, in my opinion.

‘She didn’t knew how this man looked like, what his interests were or what he desired from his bride and future wife.’
- ‘what’ instead of ‘how’, I think.
- 'know' instead of 'knew', I think.

She always asssumed they will bully her, like the others.
- ‘assumed’

‘After silently squirmed in her seat, Naavah clutched the dress in her hands and murmured something incomprehensible.’
- Either a ‘she’ between ‘after’ and ‘silently’, or ‘squirming’ instead of ‘squirmed’.

‘There was a chance that he will honestly consider her point of view. Nonetheless, there was the chance of him rejecting her ideas. And for her, the latest was frightening.’
- ‘latter’ instead of ‘latest’, I think.
- 'a' instead of 'the' between was and chance

‘“I want my wife to take care of my domein which includes the manor, the village, and the land I own. Furthermore, I want her to not cheat on me while I’m on the battlefield.”’
- ‘Domain’

“Yes. Besides being a duke, I am also a knight. For my services, the Emperor decided to give me a domein I am responsable for. I also take resposability for all villagers. But because sometimes I am gone for a long time, I can’t do it properly.”
- ‘Domain’
- ‘Responsible’
- ‘Responsibility’

‘“Was the maid on your liking?” he asked, looking at the table.’
- ‘to’ instead of ‘on’, I think.

SH wise I’d give a 3, in truth it’s a 2.5. The main thing dragging the novel down in my opinion is the grammar and prose, while I think the story itself could use a unique twist somewhere so it stands out among the other Duchess novels, or have its concept advertised more overtly.

 

[Snowyflakes]

Hello, sorry about being late. I read all chapters at the time of this review.

I guess it should be mentioned that while I’m most likely not the target audience for this story, I do have experience with the tropes. I’ve seen or read novels/comics like ‘Under The Oak Tree’, ‘Marriage And Sword’, ‘Villainess’ Stationary Store’, ‘Death Is The Only Ending’, ‘Villainess Reverses The Hourglass’, ’Red Knight Does Not Blindly Follow Money’… and more similar works I can’t remember off the top of my head. With that in mind, I’ll continue.

I guess you went with a mix of Duchess management crossed with the classic shy to confident emotional journey. A safe choice, though I have a couple of worries. One that immediately comes to mind is the MC herself and the potential danger of making her too much of a nervous wreck that causes fatal misunderstandings. While both are surprisingly common tropes in the Duchess space, having your focal character be too incompetent — even under understandable circumstances — and be subject to more ruthless misunderstandings before some proper growth and emotional healing can come eerily close to unintentional torture porn. Even ‘Under The Oak Tree’ laid off on the tension a bit after the first night. (Granted, the comic version did a poor job of portraying why the sex had to happen to begin with, but oh well.)

The other worry is the hook. Since I think you’re playing the concepts safe I’m wondering what your novel will do that’ll make it stand out from the others in the same sphere. Your synopsis, while mentioning the basics, didn’t exactly come with a hook that would give readers a general idea of the unique concept in play. The title might suggest that she may get a supernatural uncle that helps her with her marriage, but I’m only assuming at this point. Granted, there were only around 7,000 words to go off of, but I think I got my point across.

Grammar-wise, I’m inclined to believe that you’re not using a writing software that highlights misspellings, as there are spelling mistakes in the novel that a basic software would immediately catch. I put a few examples in the pile so you can see what I mean. That being said, Grammarly, LibreOffice, and Google Docs are free options to help with this, while a phone would come with an autocorrect feature I assume. Don’t write on Notepad.

Another is what I feel to be awkwardly written sentences, where either the wrong word was used and changed the intent of the sentence or a lot of words bogged up the meaning where a few simpler ones would’ve been better. I’m not talking about description exactly, but rather this odd situation where the topic or subject in the sentence gets changed midway and fogs up the overall clarity.

Grammar pile: (Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong or ignore my advice)

Spoiler: A bit of a chunky one this time

‘Walking on a black stoned pathway, the tall man dragged the souls with bloody and soaked in mud appearances of two recently deceased adults.’
- Awkward sentence.

‘On his back he had a sack with another soul still captured in a cruel-looking body which moved from time to time but so slightly that nobody couldn’t even believe it was not because of involuntary reflexes.’
- Awkward sentence.

“I am not going to do this. I have already took a decision. Her body can’t held her soul much longer, and sooner or later her time will come.”
- ‘made my’ instead of ‘took a’
- ‘hold’ instead of ‘held’

‘Thanatos lowered his gaze to the girl’s body and pondered quietly and carefully, intensely analyzing the condition in which she truly was.’
- ‘intensely analyzing her condition’, and remove the rest after it, I think.

‘Thanatos looked again at the girl and sighed heavely, moving his head aside.’
- ‘heavily’

‘Her cousin had borrowed her all of these so she could make a good impression on the first meeting with the Duke of Wintkrim.’
- ‘Her cousin had let her borrow all of these’, I think.
- ‘a good first impression with the duke of Wintkrim’, in my opinion.

‘She didn’t knew how this man looked like, what his interests were or what he desired from his bride and future wife.’
- ‘what’ instead of ‘how’, I think.
- 'know' instead of 'knew', I think.

She always asssumed they will bully her, like the others.
- ‘assumed’

‘After silently squirmed in her seat, Naavah clutched the dress in her hands and murmured something incomprehensible.’
- Either a ‘she’ between ‘after’ and ‘silently’, or ‘squirming’ instead of ‘squirmed’.

‘There was a chance that he will honestly consider her point of view. Nonetheless, there was the chance of him rejecting her ideas. And for her, the latest was frightening.’
- ‘latter’ instead of ‘latest’, I think.
- 'a' instead of 'the' between was and chance

‘“I want my wife to take care of my domein which includes the manor, the village, and the land I own. Furthermore, I want her to not cheat on me while I’m on the battlefield.”’
- ‘Domain’

“Yes. Besides being a duke, I am also a knight. For my services, the Emperor decided to give me a domein I am responsable for. I also take resposability for all villagers. But because sometimes I am gone for a long time, I can’t do it properly.”
- ‘Domain’
- ‘Responsible’
- ‘Responsibility’

‘“Was the maid on your liking?” he asked, looking at the table.’
- ‘to’ instead of ‘on’, I think.

SH wise I’d give a 3, in truth it’s a 2.5. The main thing dragging the novel down in my opinion is the grammar and prose, while I think the story itself could use a unique twist somewhere so it stands out among the other Duchess novels, or have its concept advertised more overtly.

Thank you for your feedback!

Story - While emotional evolution is present throughout the storyline, personal growth and skills development are likewise part of it. Of course, I won't reveal more.

The MC - She is presented as being shy and emotional at the beginning of the story, only because she is in an unknown situation (new people, new places, new habits) to which she has to adapt. Given the circumstances, she is more cautious, not wanting to bother anyone until she figures things out. Also, it will be shown in the following chapters that she is not incompetent at all.

Grammar and prose - I am not currently using any writing software (only Microsoft Word). Although I check my chapters a few times before posting, there are mistakes I need to correct (Thank you for the pile! It seems that I missed basic stuff ). Regarding the prose, I will edit what I consider to be awkward sentences/ expressions soon.

 

[Proctor]

I would like some feedback

Again, sorry for being late. I read both chapters available at the time of review. You didn't specify where you wanted it so I'll put it here.

So I guess this is an episodic sort of story with a rather villainous protagonist. While I don’t have much to go off of, the way you structured both chapters as mini-stories of a woman’s daily life that ends in her committing homicide might attract readers out of morbid curiosity initially, but I think it lacks a long-term concept hook for people to stick around for the long haul. Unless the later chapters start getting really creative about the way she pulls off her wonton violence, it might be worth thinking about a few plot details that’d keep people around outside of gory murder.

This might just be a me thing, but I think the MC’s inner voice sounds more like I’m listening to a man narrate instead of a woman. I think one of the reasons is the no-nonsense way of describing crossed with the liberal swearing that made me feel like this. Now I know that there can be people who act outside of traditional expectations, but I couldn’t seem to shake the thought once I had it.

Speaking of the straight-laced inner voice, I think it might be a double-edged sword in the way that it was used in the novel. On the positive side, it gave off the impression that killing people to the MC was a natural part of the day like eating food or doing laundry. On the negative angle, the way a good chunk of the prose was written seemed like it leaned more on the telling side and ditched chances for ‘showing’ the shock factor or building up more tension through details before it got to the inevitable payoff.

Grammar-wise, there is one thing I want to bring up with you. When punctuating dialogue, use a comma if there’s a character tag accompanying it, or a period if it's an action beat. You seem to flip flop on this a fair bit as if you’re unsure, so I dropped some examples on the pile.

Grammar pile: (Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong or ignore my advice)

Spoiler: A bit more than a handful

‘Bingo. Now’s the time for me tos slip in.’
- ‘to’

“Um, no thanks.” I said in the nicest tone I could muster, pushing his hand off of me.
- Comma, this one is a character tag.

“So, I see that you’re not much of a people person.” I assumed, taking a sip from my drink.
- Comma, this one is a character tag.

“Just a hunch,” He took a swig from his drink and looked down at the floor.
- Period, this one is an action beat.

“Heh, I can see that,” He extended his hand to me.
- Period, this one is an action beat.

“Kasdeya. Pleasure to meet you,” I shook his hand.
- Period, this one is an action beat.

“Um, yeah,” William stepped in the room, scratching the back of his head like a dumbass.
- Period, this one is an action beat.
- 'into' instead of 'in', I think.

SH wise and in truth I’d give it a 3. This ends up coming down to personal taste on my end, I reckon. I may likely edit this to add more opinions later, but the episodic feel of it all made it hard for me to give an overall impression based on only two chapters. The synopsis didn't suggest a deeper overarching narrative either, so I went with my instinct for now.

 

[Vibroblade]

Hello there, when you find some time, consider my novel for reviewing. It's two chapters in thus far, I'd like to fix anything bad right away so that I don't have to edit retroactively later xd. No need to be gentle, if something stinks or induces headaches please do tell.

Deadly Dreams: Transmigrated into an Unbeatable RPG

Nathan is a guy in his early twenties and one of the few players that insist on the old game Deadly Dreams. After managing to unlock the true ending through unexpected luck, he accepts a quest from the final boss and finds himself as his own character in the beginning...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[CrazyKid21]

Again, sorry for being late. I read both chapters available at the time of review. You didn't specify where you wanted it so I'll put it here.

So I guess this is an episodic sort of story with a rather villainous protagonist. While I don’t have much to go off of, the way you structured both chapters as mini-stories of a woman’s daily life that ends in her committing homicide might attract readers out of morbid curiosity initially, but I think it lacks a long-term concept hook for people to stick around for the long haul. Unless the later chapters start getting really creative about the way she pulls off her wonton violence, it might be worth thinking about a few plot details that’d keep people around outside of gory murder.

This might just be a me thing, but I think the MC’s inner voice sounds more like I’m listening to a man narrate instead of a woman. I think one of the reasons is the no-nonsense way of describing crossed with the liberal swearing that made me feel like this. Now I know that there can be people who act outside of traditional expectations, but I couldn’t seem to shake the thought once I had it.

Speaking of the straight-laced inner voice, I think it might be a double-edged sword in the way that it was used in the novel. On the positive side, it gave off the impression that killing people to the MC was a natural part of the day like eating food or doing laundry. On the negative angle, the way a good chunk of the prose was written seemed like it leaned more on the telling side and ditched chances for ‘showing’ the shock factor or building up more tension through details before it got to the inevitable payoff.

Grammar-wise, there is one thing I want to bring up with you. When punctuating dialogue, use a comma if there’s a character tag accompanying it, or a period if it's an action beat. You seem to flip flop on this a fair bit as if you’re unsure, so I dropped some examples on the pile.

Grammar pile: (Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong or ignore my advice)

Spoiler: A bit more than a handful

‘Bingo. Now’s the time for me tos slip in.’
- ‘to’

“Um, no thanks.” I said in the nicest tone I could muster, pushing his hand off of me.
- Comma, this one is a character tag.

“So, I see that you’re not much of a people person.” I assumed, taking a sip from my drink.
- Comma, this one is a character tag.

“Just a hunch,” He took a swig from his drink and looked down at the floor.
- Period, this one is an action beat.

“Heh, I can see that,” He extended his hand to me.
- Period, this one is an action beat.

“Kasdeya. Pleasure to meet you,” I shook his hand.
- Period, this one is an action beat.

“Um, yeah,” William stepped in the room, scratching the back of his head like a dumbass.
- Period, this one is an action beat.
- 'into' instead of 'in', I think.

SH wise and in truth I’d give it a 3. This ends up coming down to personal taste on my end, I reckon. I may likely edit this to add more opinions later, but the episodic feel of it all made it hard for me to give an overall impression based on only two chapters. The synopsis didn't suggest a deeper overarching narrative either, so I went with my instinct for now.

Thanks for the feedback! I would be sure to make those edits.

 

[HelloHound]

For Want of A House

Waking up is always a difficult part of anyone's day- it's even worse if you wake up inside some squalid room to spit out mysterious black cubes in a land you are not familiar with. Now imagine what Sybil's going through. Watch this short and tempered child grow, seeking a...

www.scribblehub.com

It's my first story and I currently have a small but relatively steady following (I am still a little proud about 50 followers even if only 30 or so are actively reading it) so I'd like to hear your impressions on it; hope you're having a decent day.
if it's not too much trouble I'd prefer the review on here btw :>

 

[Proctor]

I would also love a review when you get the chance! I'm super new here, so I'm not sure what "want it on here or SH" means, so I'll leave it up to you!
I only have the first three chapters polished, but have written about 2.5 books in this series. I've been debating if I should upload the rest of the rough chapters or not. Although they are readable, they are very clearly first drafts, but I don't have the time atm to fix them. Please also let me know if you think I should upload the rest or wait until I have time to edit them more.
Thank you in advance for your help!

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/...rech-book-one-of-the-guardians-of-lajen-saga/

Hello, sorry for the late review. I’ll post it here since you gave me the option. What I meant about ‘SH’ was ScribbleHub itself instead of the forum, for future reference.

The first thing I want to get to is your first paragraph:

‘Lila Doyle wiped the sweat from her brow with the back of her hand as she hauled a full bucket of water up from the depths of the well in the middle of the small farmyard. Gathering her skirts with her free hand, she carried the bucket to the large barn to water the animals inside.’

This example to me doesn’t have much of a ‘hook’ to it that entices readers to keep going. What makes this stand out to me is that the next paragraph and the one after it does. A dark barn that evokes a claustrophobic image which then leads into your concept, as her powers activate for the first time and light the barn up. That is much more engaging in my opinion, while people have to trust that something after that very first paragraph will come up in comparison. Hearken back to stuff like George Orwell’s 1984:

‘It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen.’

It might seem simple at first, but the clocks striking thirteen give a ‘hook’, a question. Try to find an opening sentence that does the same for your novel.

Another part I want to point out is the accent the two ladies have in the countryside hut. While I understand them as they are right now, some others might struggle to parse out the meaning in a way that slows down their enjoyment of the work. When going with accents, it's better to show the difference in the way a person has their local sayings or simply the way they structure their sentences. Gimli from Lord of the Rings has an ‘accent’, but it's quite understandable outside of the times he actually speaks in his mother tongue, as an example.

A minor complaint, but:

‘“Is it Thomas? Is Thomas okay?” Hope cried.’

Ok and its variant Okay wasn’t around in the mainstream until the late 1830’s due to deliberate misspellings in a humor article, while ‘Kay’ for West Africa was documented in the 1780’s but might have been used earlier, while Okeh could be said to have Choctaw roots. It’s one of those ‘gotcha’ words people will poke you on if they see it while you use actual history as your backdrop.

I have one minor comment regarding religion. Depending on the time period you decided to emulate for your medieval England, there might be a bigger variety of Christian and pagan groups than someone not well versed in history might expect. The Vikings bringing Asatru and the Irish with their Insular Christianity might be examples of early English dealings, while the later period (including post renaissance) saw many denominations and ‘heresies’ like Quakers, Lollards, Protestants, Anglicans, Puritans, and more. I guess this might not be a big deal later on since you did imply an isekai, but mild research can help with credibility when it comes to emulating real life regions.

Grammar-wise, I think you lean a bit too much on weak adjectives and adverbs. An example is that the word ‘suddenly’ comes up 8 times in the first chapter alone, while word searching ‘ly’ got at least 51 hits. Even if you get optimistic and round down perhaps 6 false calls, that is 45 instances in about 1850~ words. Here’s one nice example of what I mean:

‘As though in response to Lila’s musings, clouds suddenly began to form, almost directly above her, spiraling out nearly to the horizon. She watched in shock as they grew darker, heavy with rain.’

The first sentence has three weak adjectives lined one after another, and I doubt it’s with a secondary intent outside of the typical description. The main issue with using these too much is that they tend to make details vaguer instead of having a concise, concrete picture of what’s going on. I’m not saying to purge every single one from existence, but a more moderate look at where you don’t need them might help the novel, in my opinion.

I don’t have a grammar pile lined up for you, as there weren’t many technical errors I noticed on my read. Most of it came down to filter words and weak words instead.

SH wise I’d give about a 3, same with the truth. Part of it is simply due to me not being the target audience, while the other part is because of the passive description.

 

[Proctor]

Hello Proctor, if you find the time please give my first chapter a review. (2 is in the making) thx in advance

War zone Wellness - Chapter 1 Okay, this hardly can´t get any weirder | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

Hello. Since you didn’t specify you get my uneducated ramblings here. I read the one chapter available at the time of this post. Well okay, half of the chapter. I’ll explain as I go.

I want to talk about the synopsis first. While you mentioned a lot about your concept, you failed to mention anything about the main characters at all. Two things to remember: Concept is hook, and Character is retention. No mentions of your characters in your synopsis is only advertising a portion of what your story is about. Put another way, it is like giving somebody a travel destination but not telling them who their tour guides will be.

Saint’s Row and Borderlands seem to be big influences for this novel, based on what I’m reading. I might be wrong, but they feel quite similar to your work in tone and style. Saint’s Row relied a lot on moral (and later on plot) absurdity to sell copies while Borderlands went with more individual charm in aesthetic and characters. If you want my opinion, Borderlands meshes better with novel style writing over Saint’s Row, so it's better to emulate more in that direction instead.

Chaotic and crude comedy are two of the hardest types of humor to pull off well in novel fiction. What most newer authors don’t understand about comedy is that it also has its structures and guidelines. Stand-up comedians practice their delivery and lines at an almost religious level; rule of three, set up and pay off, subverting expectation… there are many concepts to grasp here. Even chaotic comedy has roots in consistency, whether it be from the characters themselves or the atmosphere of the plot. On a good day, misusing this just raises eyebrows, on a bad one, you get people questioning the narrative. Example:

‘Both Mercenaries tried to conceal their identity by wearing tunics of the local steppe clan over the armored body suits, which wouldn’t have fooled anybody within half a kilometer. Maybe not even someone within one.’

If by chance they knew that, why bother then? Aren’t they on an important mission and would want to stand out as little as possible? This just makes your characters look silly.

Grammar-wise, there are a lot of basics you need to learn in my opinion. While I have utilized my pile, I want to point to one example in your story that lays out most issues best:

‘"I don’t get it. When I ping them every single mine is answering.“ her display switched to (>.<) „Man, fuck this shit. I knew we should have wired them! “ raged Mike. „Silence you two!“ With a grim look on his face, Schwarz stared after the silver metal snake. „We have to…“ a high sizzling sound pierced the air.'

There is a lot wrong with this excerpt. You have three different people speaking in the same paragraph, you have double commas (,,) acting as quotation marks (”), and you miss-capitalize words sometimes after dialogue, whether it be after a comma or period. These are just three examples I picked up, I’m not sure if there were more. These sorts of errors all at once tend to come from people who are either quite young or don’t read as many fictional books in English so don’t intuitively understand the rules at play. Reading is one of the main gateways to learning when it comes to storytelling, and it pays well to look up the authors in your realm of genres to get an idea of what sells and how to present it.

To add to the above, because the novel has multiple errors like that, it also means it’s filled to the brim with character tags that ultimately remind people they’re reading a book instead of immersing in an experience.

Grammar pile: (Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong or ignore my advice)

Spoiler: There were a lot so I cherry-picked instead

He blew some of the sweet smoke in her direction “If you know what I mean.”
- Missing period before the dialogue.

“So glad I don´t” Shady sighed.
- Missing comma before the character tag.
- Is that an italic apostrophe in don’t? It looks odd.

Mike shook his head “First off, we ain´t robbing anyone.
- Missing period before the dialogue.
- That weird-looking apostrophe again.

“Don´t you mean search & destroy?” She asked. “dOn´T YoU mEaN sEaRch & DeStrOy” he copied her in a whining tone.
- Different speakers need different paragraphs.

“So it’s more of a wait & destroy mission,” she replied. “Since you have to search for something to find it and we´re just chilling.” He spat his joint into the tall grass and activated the mine´s mini screen. “Jesus fucking Christ woman…”
- Different speakers need different paragraphs. This paragraph actually has a third person speaking at one point but you get the idea.

“Good, come back. The trackers picked up movement. Contact in approximately 2 minutes.” Schwarz cut the connection abruptly. “Love it when he blindly trusts us,” said Mike. “Can you connect to the mines?” he looked at Shady.
- Different speakers need different paragraphs.

“Neon Rat 1 here. Neon Rat 2, do you copy?” Schwarz radioed the other team. “Neon Rat 2 here, loud and clear boss. We are ready to rumble.”
- Different speakers need different paragraphs. I’m a broken record at this point.

All Squads employed by the mercenary gild were allowed to pick their code name.
- ‘guild’, I assume.

Just a heartbeat more and…….nothing happened.
- An ellipsis is three periods, going over that on purpose usually doesn’t work out well.

"WTF!” Mike jumped up. “I don’t understand, the connection to the mines is there!” she cried out flustered. “Try it again!” barked Schwarz.
- Different speakers need different paragraphs.
- The abbreviation in Mike’s dialogue feels kind of immature compared to writing it out.

SH wise I’d give you a 2, in truth I’d give a 1. This is one of those moments where I wasn’t sure whether or not to be honest on the score, but I decided it’s better to rip off the band-aid. A lot of the reduced points came from the grammar portion, as a clarifier. It’s best to read up on the rules since aside from subjective stuff like plot, basic grammar isn’t really that flexible in comparison.

 

[MichaelKiuchi]

Hello. Since you didn’t specify you get my uneducated ramblings here. I read the one chapter available at the time of this post. Well okay, half of the chapter. I’ll explain as I go.

I want to talk about the synopsis first. While you mentioned a lot about your concept, you failed to mention anything about the main characters at all. Two things to remember: Concept is hook, and Character is retention. No mentions of your characters in your synopsis is only advertising a portion of what your story is about. Put another way, it is like giving somebody a travel destination but not telling them who their tour guides will be.

Saint’s Row and Borderlands seem to be big influences for this novel, based on what I’m reading. I might be wrong, but they feel quite similar to your work in tone and style. Saint’s Row relied a lot on moral (and later on plot) absurdity to sell copies while Borderlands went with more individual charm in aesthetic and characters. If you want my opinion, Borderlands meshes better with novel style writing over Saint’s Row, so it's better to emulate more in that direction instead.

Chaotic and crude comedy are two of the hardest types of humor to pull off well in novel fiction. What most newer authors don’t understand about comedy is that it also has its structures and guidelines. Stand-up comedians practice their delivery and lines at an almost religious level; rule of three, set up and pay off, subverting expectation… there are many concepts to grasp here. Even chaotic comedy has roots in consistency, whether it be from the characters themselves or the atmosphere of the plot. On a good day, misusing this just raises eyebrows, on a bad one, you get people questioning the narrative. Example:

‘Both Mercenaries tried to conceal their identity by wearing tunics of the local steppe clan over the armored body suits, which wouldn’t have fooled anybody within half a kilometer. Maybe not even someone within one.’

If by chance they knew that, why bother then? Aren’t they on an important mission and would want to stand out as little as possible? This just makes your characters look silly.

Grammar-wise, there are a lot of basics you need to learn in my opinion. While I have utilized my pile, I want to point to one example in your story that lays out most issues best:

‘"I don’t get it. When I ping them every single mine is answering.“ her display switched to (>.<) „Man, fuck this shit. I knew we should have wired them! “ raged Mike. „Silence you two!“ With a grim look on his face, Schwarz stared after the silver metal snake. „We have to…“ a high sizzling sound pierced the air.'

There is a lot wrong with this excerpt. You have three different people speaking in the same paragraph, you have double commas (,,) acting as quotation marks (”), and you miss-capitalize words sometimes after dialogue, whether it be after a comma or period. These are just three examples I picked up, I’m not sure if there were more. These sorts of errors all at once tend to come from people who are either quite young or don’t read as many fictional books in English so don’t intuitively understand the rules at play. Reading is one of the main gateways to learning when it comes to storytelling, and it pays well to look up the authors in your realm of genres to get an idea of what sells and how to present it.

To add to the above, because the novel has multiple errors like that, it also means it’s filled to the brim with character tags that ultimately remind people they’re reading a book instead of immersing in an experience.

Grammar pile: (Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong or ignore my advice)

Spoiler: There were a lot so I cherry-picked instead

He blew some of the sweet smoke in her direction “If you know what I mean.”
- Missing period before the dialogue.

“So glad I don´t” Shady sighed.
- Missing comma before the character tag.
- Is that an italic apostrophe in don’t? It looks odd.

Mike shook his head “First off, we ain´t robbing anyone.
- Missing period before the dialogue.
- That weird-looking apostrophe again.

“Don´t you mean search & destroy?” She asked. “dOn´T YoU mEaN sEaRch & DeStrOy” he copied her in a whining tone.
- Different speakers need different paragraphs.

“So it’s more of a wait & destroy mission,” she replied. “Since you have to search for something to find it and we´re just chilling.” He spat his joint into the tall grass and activated the mine´s mini screen. “Jesus fucking Christ woman…”
- Different speakers need different paragraphs. This paragraph actually has a third person speaking at one point but you get the idea.

“Good, come back. The trackers picked up movement. Contact in approximately 2 minutes.” Schwarz cut the connection abruptly. “Love it when he blindly trusts us,” said Mike. “Can you connect to the mines?” he looked at Shady.
- Different speakers need different paragraphs.

“Neon Rat 1 here. Neon Rat 2, do you copy?” Schwarz radioed the other team. “Neon Rat 2 here, loud and clear boss. We are ready to rumble.”
- Different speakers need different paragraphs. I’m a broken record at this point.

All Squads employed by the mercenary gild were allowed to pick their code name.
- ‘guild’, I assume.

Just a heartbeat more and…….nothing happened.
- An ellipsis is three periods, going over that on purpose usually doesn’t work out well.

"WTF!” Mike jumped up. “I don’t understand, the connection to the mines is there!” she cried out flustered. “Try it again!” barked Schwarz.
- Different speakers need different paragraphs.
- The abbreviation in Mike’s dialogue feels kind of immature compared to writing it out.

SH wise I’d give you a 2, in truth I’d give a 1. This is one of those moments where I wasn’t sure whether or not to be honest on the score, but I decided it’s better to rip off the band-aid. A lot of the reduced points came from the grammar portion, as a clarifier. It’s best to read up on the rules since aside from subjective stuff like plot, basic grammar isn’t really that flexible in comparison.

Hello Proctor, thank you for taking the time to review my first chapter. I have some things that I want to thank you for, things I want to defend and a question at the end. But if you don't want to read it or don't have the time, I understand. =)

1. Thanks:

- "you have double commas (,,) acting as quotation marks (”), and you miss-capitalize words sometimes after dialogue, whether it be after a comma or period." Thanks for pointing this out to me, I was actually aware of this but thought that I already fixed everything. If not for you I might not have realized it, or much much later.

- "- Missing comma before the character tag. / - Missing period before the dialogue." Thanks for letting me know. I recently started to double-check my texts with Grammarly and blindly trusted the app to find these kinds of mistakes for me. Now I know that I still have to look out for those on my own. =) I will fix this asap.

2. Defending my text:

- "‘Both Mercenaries tried to conceal their identity by wearing tunics of the local steppe clan over the armored body suits, which wouldn’t have fooled anybody within half a kilometer. Maybe not even someone within one.’

If by chance they knew that, why bother then? Aren’t they on an important mission and would want to stand out as little as possible? This just makes your characters look silly." That was my intention.^^

- "Saint’s Row and Borderlands seem to be big influences for this novel" Actually there are no influences from video games in my novel.
Or at least there shouldn't be but on the other side, I played Borderlands 2 a lot when it came out. So you might be right about that?
Can´t say I'm not influenced by the media I consume. Wasn't intended.^^

3. Question

" - Different speakers need different paragraphs." I did some research about that and found this "There is no rule that you must use a separate paragraph for different speakers. So long as who is talking is made clear, there is no reason that you have to." and other quotes stating likewise. So right now I´m still chewing on the question if I should just ignore what you said or edit my text according to your advice. Sorry if I sound like I don't trust your judgment. It's just that I sometimes can be an unnecessary stubborn bastard.^^ If I edit my text, for example, this part:


“Good, come back. The trackers picked up movement. Contact in approximately 2 minutes.” Schwarz cut the connection abruptly. “Love it when he blindly trusts us,” said Mike. “Can you connect to the mines?” he looked at Shady.


Would this be the correct approach?


Good, come back. The trackers picked up movement. Contact in approximately 2 minutes.” Schwarz cut the connection abruptly.

“Love it when he blindly trusts us,” said Mike. “Can you connect to the mines?” he looked at Shady.


I´m asking because I really don´t know.


Anyway, you helped me a lot, thank you again. See you next time, or not. Wish you a good day. =)

 

[Proctor]

Hello Proctor, thank you for taking the time to review my first chapter. I have some things that I want to thank you for, things I want to defend and a question at the end. But if you don't want to read it or don't have the time, I understand. =)

1. Thanks:

- "you have double commas (,,) acting as quotation marks (”), and you miss-capitalize words sometimes after dialogue, whether it be after a comma or period." Thanks for pointing this out to me, I was actually aware of this but thought that I already fixed everything. If not for you I might not have realized it, or much much later.

- "- Missing comma before the character tag. / - Missing period before the dialogue." Thanks for letting me know. I recently started to double-check my texts with Grammarly and blindly trusted the app to find these kinds of mistakes for me. Now I know that I still have to look out for those on my own. =) I will fix this asap.

2. Defending my text:

- "‘Both Mercenaries tried to conceal their identity by wearing tunics of the local steppe clan over the armored body suits, which wouldn’t have fooled anybody within half a kilometer. Maybe not even someone within one.’

If by chance they knew that, why bother then? Aren’t they on an important mission and would want to stand out as little as possible? This just makes your characters look silly." That was my intention.^^

- "Saint’s Row and Borderlands seem to be big influences for this novel" Actually there are no influences from video games in my novel.
Or at least there shouldn't be but on the other side, I played Borderlands 2 a lot when it came out. So you might be right about that?
Can´t say I'm not influenced by the media I consume. Wasn't intended.^^

3. Question

" - Different speakers need different paragraphs." I did some research about that and found this "There is no rule that you must use a separate paragraph for different speakers. So long as who is talking is made clear, there is no reason that you have to." and other quotes stating likewise. So right now I´m still chewing on the question if I should just ignore what you said or edit my text according to your advice. Sorry if I sound like I don't trust your judgment. It's just that I sometimes can be an unnecessary stubborn bastard.^^ If I edit my text, for example, this part:


“Good, come back. The trackers picked up movement. Contact in approximately 2 minutes.” Schwarz cut the connection abruptly. “Love it when he blindly trusts us,” said Mike. “Can you connect to the mines?” he looked at Shady.


Would this be the correct approach?


Good, come back. The trackers picked up movement. Contact in approximately 2 minutes.” Schwarz cut the connection abruptly.

“Love it when he blindly trusts us,” said Mike. “Can you connect to the mines?” he looked at Shady.


I´m asking because I really don´t know.


Anyway, you helped me a lot, thank you again. See you next time, or not. Wish you a good day. =)

You're welcome, glad to see my feedback helped in some way.

That was my intention.^^

If it is, then I'd like to point at my reasoning still. While you had the intent to go for that atmosphere, always consider the consequences of what showing such things can do long term. If they still went with that idea despite knowing it was silly, it can harm a reader's perception of the characters' intelligence going forward. That's fine if it's really what you wanted alongside softening the seriousness of the tone, but it comes at the cost of their respect.

Actually there are no influences from video games in my novel.
Or at least there shouldn't be but on the other side, I played Borderlands 2 a lot when it came out. So you might be right about that?
Can´t say I'm not influenced by the media I consume. Wasn't intended.^^

Saint's Row and Borderlands being similar to your work isn't a mark against you, I was using it as a comparison to help get my idea across about what tropes to use and what tropes to try and avoid if you're not advanced enough yet.

I did some research about that and found this "There is no rule that you must use a separate paragraph for different speakers. So long as who is talking is made clear, there is no reason that you have to." and other quotes stating likewise. So right now I´m still chewing on the question if I should just ignore what you said or edit my text according to your advice. Sorry if I sound like I don't trust your judgment. It's just that I sometimes can be an unnecessary stubborn bastard.^^

To be more precise, you don't need permission to do anything with writing specifically, and you could go with having multiple speakers in a single paragraph because of style or something... but then you're giving readers the incredibly annoying task of trying to decipher all that without clear breaks. What I talked about was a guideline in fiction writing; pick up almost any published book and you'll see they follow this guideline without exception.

Good, come back. The trackers picked up movement. Contact in approximately 2 minutes.” Schwarz cut the connection abruptly.

“Love it when he blindly trusts us,” said Mike. “Can you connect to the mines?” he looked at Shady.

While technically correct on spacing, this new clarity highlights the second issue I mentioned about your excessive dialogue tags, the second paragraph in particular. Better flow in that line's instance comes from:

"Dialogue" Character tag/action beat "Dialogue"

This gets particularly advanced in terms of 'hearing the prose' but the general line-up is:

- "Dialogue" Character tag/Action beat
- Character tag/Action beat "Dialogue"
- "Dialogue" Character tag/Action beat "Dialogue"

There are deviations but most styles revolve around those three as the core.

 

[Proctor]

Hello there, when you find some time, consider my novel for reviewing. It's two chapters in thus far, I'd like to fix anything bad right away so that I don't have to edit retroactively later xd. No need to be gentle, if something stinks or induces headaches please do tell.

Deadly Dreams: Transmigrated into an Unbeatable RPG

Nathan is a guy in his early twenties and one of the few players that insist on the old game Deadly Dreams. After managing to unlock the true ending through unexpected luck, he accepts a quest from the final boss and finds himself as his own character in the beginning...

www.scribblehub.com

Hello, you didn’t specify so you get my uneducated rambles here. I’m trying to clean my list while I have time so please forgive any grammar errors on my end. I read all available chapters at the time of this post.

Synopsis first. Most of it is quite decent and to the point. While I’d prefer a little more personally, I just have a suggestion for the final line:

‘The problem is: even in the true ending, everyone is dead.’

My suggestion would be:

‘The problem is: even in the true ending, everyone dies.’

Your original example has this odd connotation to it as if all characters died and it’s just Nathan in the next run or everybody became zombies of some sort. It’s more a tense thing relative to the rest of the synopsis, but I think I got my point across.

So your story has a simple but solid outline to it so far that also alludes to a lot of potential resets before the MC gets the run he needs to succeed. I also like that the first try is a quick and genuine failure that included an unexpected variable, so readers can judge early on whether or not they want to strap in for the long haul.

While it's a little raw at the moment, I also like the steps you take to make the MC slowly acclimatize to his new surroundings and begin to evaluate the quite human decisions he initially criticized the other game characters for. The breakdown after the failure is all too human and while I agree that it is a little bare bones, it is a step in the right direction.

One thing though:

‘It was funny that, thinking back, there were no updates for this game since day one. No mod compatibility. No nothing. It was very strange that hackers couldn’t get a good enough program to crack the files completely and reach the end game or beat the boss. Now I had some strange appreciation from the fact that I half “understood” why there was never any news from the developers. Perhaps this was some kind of huge interdimensional conspiracy I was unaware of.’

This is one of those paragraphs that is nice to have regarding plot holes, but I think it's wiser to mention that hackers couldn’t crack the game files for some reason or another in chapter one. The MC doesn’t need to know the real reason in the beginning, like just a passing thought for earlier. He can still lament once he realizes the real reason in chapter 3 too, almost like a mild setup that has a payoff.

You already mentioned that you were figuring out how to do tables, so I won't get into details there. The sooner the better though, for clarity. It becomes a real distraction in chapter two once the action begins in my opinion.

Grammar-wise, I’d first like to point out the quotation marks in chapter one. In the instance where you used it to highlight the game MC’s regular sayings, I’d go with a single quotation mark if you’re listing them like that. It’s more a style thing, but the differentiation can help with clarity down the line.

Aside from that, most of what I want to touch on are ellipsis, missing periods, and commas after question marks. For ellipsis, the best way to use them is sparingly. They are in this odd space where each instance of it holds more weight the less it is used overall. An overabundance of them tends to cause readers to speed up their subconscious pausing to keep pace with the prose.

As for missing periods and commas after question marks, refer to the pile. It’s a big one this time.

Grammar pile: (Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong or ignore my advice)

Spoiler: Big boy pile

I don’t play games too much and I am very picky with my interests, but this game is considered bad by the critics and the gamer community... For a very simple reason: it is frustrating.
- Since the ellipsis used here connects to an incomplete sentence, I think the ‘for’ shouldn’t be capitalized.

“... We will get it right the next time, don’t worry”
- Missing period at the end.

“Because I know that the next time will be different. That I will be stronger and my companions will live... And that there is something to be gained after the game clear”
- Like with the first example, in this case, I think the ‘and’ shouldn’t be capitalized.
- Missing period at the end.

Because I understood that there was nothing for them after beating the boss... New content? An achievement? A happy cutscene? Or a sad one... No matter how real it appeared, it was all data by the end of the day.
- The first ellipsis I’d argue is a period instead.
- The last sentence feels strange to me. A rare time when I can’t nail down the reason. Either remove the ‘Or a sad one’ or maybe combine the happy and sad cutscene phrases and use those as the topic to connect the rest? Nah, maybe the rule of three works best here.

“Next time?.... So, you also understand the nature of this world. Yet you do not despair? How is this possible?”
- An ellipsis is 3 dots.
- I’d argue that it’s a comma between ‘world’ and ‘yet’.

“Such tenacity. Let’s see how long it lasts”
- Missing period at the end.

“Huh, a Bloodstone again. Not a lot of you guys left”
- Missing period at the end.

“... What?”, he asked, confused.
- Unnecessary comma after the dialogue. The question mark is already your punctuation.

“Hello students, I am Joseph Smith, your instructor for the first practical lesson. Time is of the essence, so let’s get to it. You can get familiar with each other on the way”
- Missing period at the end.

“We should reach the place in under three minutes. Let me show you a close look of what you should expect”
- Missing period at the end.
- Grammarly suggests 'at' instead of 'of'. I think it's right.

“There are a few teams already deployed to clean up the underwater creatures and some beasts near us, our job is to eliminate this one mutated Cockatrice and await further instructions.
- I think the comma is a period here. Not 100% sure.

The quests were simple initially just to showcase the mechanics, but... What in the hell was I experiencing?
- Like with the first example, in this case, I think the ‘what’ shouldn’t be capitalized.

“We’re just about there, grab your weapons and let’s go”
- Missing period at the end.

A torrent of fire was immediately cast his direction, but it dispersed by the time it reached us
- I’m guessing you get it at this point but doesn’t hurt to be meticulous. Missing period at the end.
- An 'in' between cast and his, I think.

I forgot an important detail about Amelia’s starting quest: the first Cockatrice was just an aperitive.
- I’m usually all for expanding vocabulary, but this is one instance where I might suggest the age old ‘the appetizer’ over ‘an aperitive’. Aperitive or aperient is commonly known as another way to say laxative, rather than its less common form of having a stimulating effect on the appetite. Plus appetizer is easier for non-native speakers.

“Alexander?”, Joseph had some awareness of Alexander’s skills, though it wasn’t as clear cut as a game panel.
- Unnecessary comma after the dialogue. The question mark is already your punctuation.

“Huh, what a fucking loser, to be singing praises for the girl who dumped you without rime or reason. And it’s not even been a day”
- ‘Rhyme’, I think. Rime is when frost forms on cold objects by the rapid freezing of water vapors in clouds or fog.
- You know the drill at this point: missing period at the end.

SH wise, I was wavering between two choices, but I decided on 4 in the end. In truth, I’d give a 3.5. The higher SH score is because your concept touches on recent trends that readers might like to see, while the average truth rating is a mix of my subjective preference and the grammar taking you down a notch.

 

[Vibroblade]

Hello, you didn’t specify so you get my uneducated rambles here. I’m trying to clean my list while I have time so please forgive any grammar errors on my end. I read all available chapters at the time of this post.

Synopsis first. Most of it is quite decent and to the point. While I’d prefer a little more personally, I just have a suggestion for the final line:

‘The problem is: even in the true ending, everyone is dead.’

My suggestion would be:

‘The problem is: even in the true ending, everyone dies.’

Your original example has this odd connotation to it as if all characters died and it’s just Nathan in the next run or everybody became zombies of some sort. It’s more a tense thing relative to the rest of the synopsis, but I think I got my point across.

So your story has a simple but solid outline to it so far that also alludes to a lot of potential resets before the MC gets the run he needs to succeed. I also like that the first try is a quick and genuine failure that included an unexpected variable, so readers can judge early on whether or not they want to strap in for the long haul.

While it's a little raw at the moment, I also like the steps you take to make the MC slowly acclimatize to his new surroundings and begin to evaluate the quite human decisions he initially criticized the other game characters for. The breakdown after the failure is all too human and while I agree that it is a little bare bones, it is a step in the right direction.

One thing though:

‘It was funny that, thinking back, there were no updates for this game since day one. No mod compatibility. No nothing. It was very strange that hackers couldn’t get a good enough program to crack the files completely and reach the end game or beat the boss. Now I had some strange appreciation from the fact that I half “understood” why there was never any news from the developers. Perhaps this was some kind of huge interdimensional conspiracy I was unaware of.’

This is one of those paragraphs that is nice to have regarding plot holes, but I think it's wiser to mention that hackers couldn’t crack the game files for some reason or another in chapter one. The MC doesn’t need to know the real reason in the beginning, like just a passing thought for earlier. He can still lament once he realizes the real reason in chapter 3 too, almost like a mild setup that has a payoff.

You already mentioned that you were figuring out how to do tables, so I won't get into details there. The sooner the better though, for clarity. It becomes a real distraction in chapter two once the action begins in my opinion.

Grammar-wise, I’d first like to point out the quotation marks in chapter one. In the instance where you used it to highlight the game MC’s regular sayings, I’d go with a single quotation mark if you’re listing them like that. It’s more a style thing, but the differentiation can help with clarity down the line.

Aside from that, most of what I want to touch on are ellipsis, missing periods, and commas after question marks. For ellipsis, the best way to use them is sparingly. They are in this odd space where each instance of it holds more weight the less it is used overall. An overabundance of them tends to cause readers to speed up their subconscious pausing to keep pace with the prose.

As for missing periods and commas after question marks, refer to the pile. It’s a big one this time.

Grammar pile: (Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong or ignore my advice)

Spoiler: Big boy pile

I don’t play games too much and I am very picky with my interests, but this game is considered bad by the critics and the gamer community... For a very simple reason: it is frustrating.
- Since the ellipsis used here connects to an incomplete sentence, I think the ‘for’ shouldn’t be capitalized.

“... We will get it right the next time, don’t worry”
- Missing period at the end.

“Because I know that the next time will be different. That I will be stronger and my companions will live... And that there is something to be gained after the game clear”
- Like with the first example, in this case, I think the ‘and’ shouldn’t be capitalized.
- Missing period at the end.

Because I understood that there was nothing for them after beating the boss... New content? An achievement? A happy cutscene? Or a sad one... No matter how real it appeared, it was all data by the end of the day.
- The first ellipsis I’d argue is a period instead.
- The last sentence feels strange to me. A rare time when I can’t nail down the reason. Either remove the ‘Or a sad one’ or maybe combine the happy and sad cutscene phrases and use those as the topic to connect the rest? Nah, maybe the rule of three works best here.

“Next time?.... So, you also understand the nature of this world. Yet you do not despair? How is this possible?”
- An ellipsis is 3 dots.
- I’d argue that it’s a comma between ‘world’ and ‘yet’.

“Such tenacity. Let’s see how long it lasts”
- Missing period at the end.

“Huh, a Bloodstone again. Not a lot of you guys left”
- Missing period at the end.

“... What?”, he asked, confused.
- Unnecessary comma after the dialogue. The question mark is already your punctuation.

“Hello students, I am Joseph Smith, your instructor for the first practical lesson. Time is of the essence, so let’s get to it. You can get familiar with each other on the way”
- Missing period at the end.

“We should reach the place in under three minutes. Let me show you a close look of what you should expect”
- Missing period at the end.
- Grammarly suggests 'at' instead of 'of'. I think it's right.

“There are a few teams already deployed to clean up the underwater creatures and some beasts near us, our job is to eliminate this one mutated Cockatrice and await further instructions.
- I think the comma is a period here. Not 100% sure.

The quests were simple initially just to showcase the mechanics, but... What in the hell was I experiencing?
- Like with the first example, in this case, I think the ‘what’ shouldn’t be capitalized.

“We’re just about there, grab your weapons and let’s go”
- Missing period at the end.

A torrent of fire was immediately cast his direction, but it dispersed by the time it reached us
- I’m guessing you get it at this point but doesn’t hurt to be meticulous. Missing period at the end.
- An 'in' between cast and his, I think.

I forgot an important detail about Amelia’s starting quest: the first Cockatrice was just an aperitive.
- I’m usually all for expanding vocabulary, but this is one instance where I might suggest the age old ‘the appetizer’ over ‘an aperitive’. Aperitive or aperient is commonly known as another way to say laxative, rather than its less common form of having a stimulating effect on the appetite. Plus appetizer is easier for non-native speakers.

“Alexander?”, Joseph had some awareness of Alexander’s skills, though it wasn’t as clear cut as a game panel.
- Unnecessary comma after the dialogue. The question mark is already your punctuation.

“Huh, what a fucking loser, to be singing praises for the girl who dumped you without rime or reason. And it’s not even been a day”
- ‘Rhyme’, I think. Rime is when frost forms on cold objects by the rapid freezing of water vapors in clouds or fog.
- You know the drill at this point: missing period at the end.

SH wise, I was wavering between two choices, but I decided on 4 in the end. In truth, I’d give a 3.5. The higher SH score is because your concept touches on recent trends that readers might like to see, while the average truth rating is a mix of my subjective preference and the grammar taking you down a notch.

Thanks, my man. I fixed most grammar issues you pointed out. I'll see what I can do about the ellipsis, I don't know what I can do to fill the void of just waiting for time to pass or a longer than usual pause in the novel. I felt like putting it into text or filling it with thoughts would feel awkward. I didn't think of other measures. I didn't expect them to have such a negative effect on the reader's experience.

I'll hear your advice and later make the changes to the story and think of a better summary.

That being said, I was quite surprised to have so many errors, I eventually found a few more with the case of commas. It must have been quite annoying to read through it. Sorry for having to put up with it and thank you so much for pointing it out, I'll be more careful.

 

[Vaas13]

I've created this thread in the hope of honing my self-editing skills. If you do post here looking for a review, do note that it may take a while - from hours to days - to get back to you depending on my circumstances. (work, my writing, etc.)

What to expect: An amateur's general opinion of what I saw, what I liked and didn't like, mentions of general narrative structure, and grammar if it stands out too much. I'll generally go through a handful of chapters to get a feel before I reply.
What not to expect: A paid editor's overview. I'm not one of those.

A couple of things before you post:

- Let me know if you want it on SH or here. I'm gentler on SH due to the nature of the rating system, while I won't hold back as much here. If you want an example, I go by the same name on the main site and have already done a few reviews before. (Probably better to look at the 3 and 4-star ones.)​

- If you don't specify, I'll just assume you wanted it here and will act as such.​

- I won't review stories with these elements: Scat, Golden Showers (If it's super mild, okay), Fetishized Rape, Snuff (unless it's shown as horror), Netorare, Netorase, Vore, Pedophilia.​

​

Preference Sheet:

(Note that I'll read anything except what I explicitly stated above, this is just to give you an idea of the kind of person I am so you can gauge whether or not I'm within your target audience if that matters.)​

Love It: Soft Sci-fi, Mystery, Harem, Action, Adventure, Comedy, Romance, Seinen.
Like It: Fantasy, Horror, Ecchi, Adult, Mature, Girls Love, Mecha, Smut, Supernatural.
Neutral: Hard Sci-fi, LitRPG, Gender Bender, Drama, Historical, Isekai, Josei, Martial Arts, Psychological, School Life, Slice of Life, Tragedy, Incest, Furry.
Dislike: Fanfiction, Sports, Boys Love, Futanari, Asshole MC.

I guess that's it for now. If I remember something I'll be sure to add it to this post.

read my shit please-https://www.scribblehub.com/series/546088/pete-ink/

 

[Proctor]

For Want of A House

Waking up is always a difficult part of anyone's day- it's even worse if you wake up inside some squalid room to spit out mysterious black cubes in a land you are not familiar with. Now imagine what Sybil's going through. Watch this short and tempered child grow, seeking a...

www.scribblehub.com

It's my first story and I currently have a small but relatively steady following (I am still a little proud about 50 followers even if only 30 or so are actively reading it) so I'd like to hear your impressions on it; hope you're having a decent day.
if it's not too much trouble I'd prefer the review on here btw :>

Hello, I was able to find time so I decided to get to the feedback list again. I finished about ten chapters at the time of this review. I’ll be honest here, I was frequently confused while reading, so I don’t know how helpful my advice is going to be this time.

For the synopsis, I’d say that the biggest flaw about it is how general it is. You’ve written about character and concept, which is nice, but you didn’t leave enough specifics for readers to have a real hook. A lot of characters have journeyed to find home and belonging, so you have to let readers know what makes your version of this tale unique enough to give a go.

The second part of the synopsis sounds more like an exposition style author’s note rather than part of the sales pitch, in my opinion. I know there are warnings and such but if yours was meant to be one you didn’t differentiate it with a break or other visuals.

So when I read the first four chapters, I had to go back and re-read the opening because I realized I had been confused about something: I wasn’t entirely sure if this was an Isekai, Body Possession Swap, or what. I came across the detail about the MC’s memory being foggy, but it didn’t really give me the answers I was looking for. Later on I simply made the assumption that this was meant to be a mystery of some fashion, but the problem is that there are just so many questions piled all at once that I felt overwhelmed:

Why is she puking out black cubes and being all nonchalant about it? She lost her memory too and thinks she got kidnapped… how is she not freaking out?

- You start to truly touch on her odd emotional behavior with her reflecting at like chapter 6, and due to the style of the writing and lack of cues beforehand that perhaps her abysmal EQ was intentional I was left second-guessing the reasoning until then. This probably wouldn’t have stood out so much if I wasn't inundated with other questions or if the synopsis or tags mentioned this in advance.

Wait, she doesn’t understand the language, but she spoke it just fine earlier? Were the inverted arrows in the next chapter meant to signify a different language? Why mention this now and not in chapter one?

- I might be an idiot but I thought she understood what her mother was saying in chapter one. Part of this is because you actually translated the language into English, and the other part is because the MC acts so odd that I thought her social ineptitude was why she misunderstood the intent, not that the language was unintelligible to her.

I had other questions, but I think I’d bloat up the feedback too much so I’ll stop there. I think the main cause is the fact that the MC acts way out of the norm so it's harder to find familiarities to attach to. New world, potential isekai, oddball MC, and it all starts with her puking cubes. It is definitely quite an interesting opening, but the synopsis did not prep me for this wild ride at all.

One thing:

‘I await my death and when it stands me up, I descend upon the bush with a fervor I could describe as feral later in life.’

This sentence is odd because it implies the narrator (the MC) is giving us these details at a later point of her life when earlier there was no indication of this beforehand. When narration is being told like this usually there’d be an opening that details it, like the interrogation opening in Dragon Age 2.

Grammar wise there weren’t many errors aside from the occasional punctuation miss because of the use of the arrows. The prose was also quite good for the most part; simple but pronounced where it needed to be, while the paragraph breaks that help with emphasis and flow. The only thing I can think to pick on is the abundance of adjectives/adverbs, which tend to stand out due to the small chapter sizes. While it's okay to use them or argue that your character’s inner voice uses them a lot, I think finding stronger words to replace a few could help strengthen the prose.

Grammar Pile: (Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong or ignore my advice)

Spoiler: A couple as an example

A comparatively smaller waver rushes towards me and smacks me directly in the face.
- ‘wave’, I think.

“>I’ll find her,<” I inform them “>And then I steal her jerky as vengeance<”.
- Missing comma after ‘them’
- ‘and’ shouldn’t be capitalized here if going with the comma.
- Period should be after vengeance.

Usually, I’d rate, but I’ll forego it this time. The reason is that I was genuinely confused and I don’t know if it’s half my fault or not. The prose isn’t bad and I eventually got around to putting two and two together, but I didn’t want to play detective where I wasn’t sure if such stuff was intended or not. Sorry, I wasn’t able to be helpful this time.

 

[HelloHound]

Hello, I was able to find time so I decided to get to the feedback list again. I finished about ten chapters at the time of this review. I’ll be honest here, I was frequently confused while reading, so I don’t know how helpful my advice is going to be this time.

For the synopsis, I’d say that the biggest flaw about it is how general it is. You’ve written about character and concept, which is nice, but you didn’t leave enough specifics for readers to have a real hook. A lot of characters have journeyed to find home and belonging, so you have to let readers know what makes your version of this tale unique enough to give a go.

The second part of the synopsis sounds more like an exposition style author’s note rather than part of the sales pitch, in my opinion. I know there are warnings and such but if yours was meant to be one you didn’t differentiate it with a break or other visuals.

So when I read the first four chapters, I had to go back and re-read the opening because I realized I had been confused about something: I wasn’t entirely sure if this was an Isekai, Body Possession Swap, or what. I came across the detail about the MC’s memory being foggy, but it didn’t really give me the answers I was looking for. Later on I simply made the assumption that this was meant to be a mystery of some fashion, but the problem is that there are just so many questions piled all at once that I felt overwhelmed:

Why is she puking out black cubes and being all nonchalant about it? She lost her memory too and thinks she got kidnapped… how is she not freaking out?

- You start to truly touch on her odd emotional behavior with her reflecting at like chapter 6, and due to the style of the writing and lack of cues beforehand that perhaps her abysmal EQ was intentional I was left second-guessing the reasoning until then. This probably wouldn’t have stood out so much if I wasn't inundated with other questions or if the synopsis or tags mentioned this in advance.

Wait, she doesn’t understand the language, but she spoke it just fine earlier? Were the inverted arrows in the next chapter meant to signify a different language? Why mention this now and not in chapter one?

- I might be an idiot but I thought she understood what her mother was saying in chapter one. Part of this is because you actually translated the language into English, and the other part is because the MC acts so odd that I thought her social ineptitude was why she misunderstood the intent, not that the language was unintelligible to her.

I had other questions, but I think I’d bloat up the feedback too much so I’ll stop there. I think the main cause is the fact that the MC acts way out of the norm so it's harder to find familiarities to attach to. New world, potential isekai, oddball MC, and it all starts with her puking cubes. It is definitely quite an interesting opening, but the synopsis did not prep me for this wild ride at all.

One thing:

‘I await my death and when it stands me up, I descend upon the bush with a fervor I could describe as feral later in life.’

This sentence is odd because it implies the narrator (the MC) is giving us these details at a later point of her life when earlier there was no indication of this beforehand. When narration is being told like this usually there’d be an opening that details it, like the interrogation opening in Dragon Age 2.

Grammar wise there weren’t many errors aside from the occasional punctuation miss because of the use of the arrows. The prose was also quite good for the most part; simple but pronounced where it needed to be, while the paragraph breaks that help with emphasis and flow. The only thing I can think to pick on is the abundance of adjectives/adverbs, which tend to stand out due to the small chapter sizes. While it's okay to use them or argue that your character’s inner voice uses them a lot, I think finding stronger words to replace a few could help strengthen the prose.

Grammar Pile: (Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong or ignore my advice)

Spoiler: A couple as an example

A comparatively smaller waver rushes towards me and smacks me directly in the face.
- ‘wave’, I think.

“>I’ll find her,<” I inform them “>And then I steal her jerky as vengeance<”.
- Missing comma after ‘them’
- ‘and’ shouldn’t be capitalized here if going with the comma.
- Period should be after vengeance.

Usually, I’d rate, but I’ll forego it this time. The reason is that I was genuinely confused and I don’t know if it’s half my fault or not. The prose isn’t bad and I eventually got around to putting two and two together, but I didn’t want to play detective where I wasn’t sure if such stuff was intended or not. Sorry, I wasn’t able to be helpful this

Hello, I was able to find time so I decided to get to the feedback list again. I finished about ten chapters at the time of this review. I’ll be honest here, I was frequently confused while reading, so I don’t know how helpful my advice is going to be this time.

For the synopsis, I’d say that the biggest flaw about it is how general it is. You’ve written about character and concept, which is nice, but you didn’t leave enough specifics for readers to have a real hook. A lot of characters have journeyed to find home and belonging, so you have to let readers know what makes your version of this tale unique enough to give a go.

The second part of the synopsis sounds more like an exposition style author’s note rather than part of the sales pitch, in my opinion. I know there are warnings and such but if yours was meant to be one you didn’t differentiate it with a break or other visuals.

So when I read the first four chapters, I had to go back and re-read the opening because I realized I had been confused about something: I wasn’t entirely sure if this was an Isekai, Body Possession Swap, or what. I came across the detail about the MC’s memory being foggy, but it didn’t really give me the answers I was looking for. Later on I simply made the assumption that this was meant to be a mystery of some fashion, but the problem is that there are just so many questions piled all at once that I felt overwhelmed:

Why is she puking out black cubes and being all nonchalant about it? She lost her memory too and thinks she got kidnapped… how is she not freaking out?

- You start to truly touch on her odd emotional behavior with her reflecting at like chapter 6, and due to the style of the writing and lack of cues beforehand that perhaps her abysmal EQ was intentional I was left second-guessing the reasoning until then. This probably wouldn’t have stood out so much if I wasn't inundated with other questions or if the synopsis or tags mentioned this in advance.

Wait, she doesn’t understand the language, but she spoke it just fine earlier? Were the inverted arrows in the next chapter meant to signify a different language? Why mention this now and not in chapter one?

- I might be an idiot but I thought she understood what her mother was saying in chapter one. Part of this is because you actually translated the language into English, and the other part is because the MC acts so odd that I thought her social ineptitude was why she misunderstood the intent, not that the language was unintelligible to her.

I had other questions, but I think I’d bloat up the feedback too much so I’ll stop there. I think the main cause is the fact that the MC acts way out of the norm so it's harder to find familiarities to attach to. New world, potential isekai, oddball MC, and it all starts with her puking cubes. It is definitely quite an interesting opening, but the synopsis did not prep me for this wild ride at all.

One thing:

‘I await my death and when it stands me up, I descend upon the bush with a fervor I could describe as feral later in life.’

This sentence is odd because it implies the narrator (the MC) is giving us these details at a later point of her life when earlier there was no indication of this beforehand. When narration is being told like this usually there’d be an opening that details it, like the interrogation opening in Dragon Age 2.

Grammar wise there weren’t many errors aside from the occasional punctuation miss because of the use of the arrows. The prose was also quite good for the most part; simple but pronounced where it needed to be, while the paragraph breaks that help with emphasis and flow. The only thing I can think to pick on is the abundance of adjectives/adverbs, which tend to stand out due to the small chapter sizes. While it's okay to use them or argue that your character’s inner voice uses them a lot, I think finding stronger words to replace a few could help strengthen the prose.

Grammar Pile: (Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong or ignore my advice)

Spoiler: A couple as an example

A comparatively smaller waver rushes towards me and smacks me directly in the face.
- ‘wave’, I think.

“>I’ll find her,<” I inform them “>And then I steal her jerky as vengeance<”.
- Missing comma after ‘them’
- ‘and’ shouldn’t be capitalized here if going with the comma.
- Period should be after vengeance.

Usually, I’d rate, but I’ll forego it this time. The reason is that I was genuinely confused and I don’t know if it’s half my fault or not. The prose isn’t bad and I eventually got around to putting two and two together, but I didn’t want to play detective where I wasn’t sure if such stuff was intended or not. Sorry, I wasn’t able to be helpful this time.

Thanks for your efforts and this is a mild spoilers but what's happened to Sybil is something very close to body possession and when she "wakes up" she's had years of existence without any world knowledge or language skills pass by so she's a little boggled.
Thanks again for your advice and I'll try and fix the synopsis (which is actually the second version so far lmao; it's really hard to explain my story in succinct terms) alongside the other grammar issues you pointed out.
As for the low EQ, it's a combo move of her "possession " and the fact that she ain't neurotypical

 

[MichaelKiuchi]

You're welcome, glad to see my feedback helped in some way.


If it is, then I'd like to point at my reasoning still. While you had the intent to go for that atmosphere, always consider the consequences of what showing such things can do long term. If they still went with that idea despite knowing it was silly, it can harm a reader's perception of the characters' intelligence going forward. That's fine if it's really what you wanted alongside softening the seriousness of the tone, but it comes at the cost of their respect.



Saint's Row and Borderlands being similar to your work isn't a mark against you, I was using it as a comparison to help get my idea across about what tropes to use and what tropes to try and avoid if you're not advanced enough yet.


To be more precise, you don't need permission to do anything with writing specifically, and you could go with having multiple speakers in a single paragraph because of style or something... but then you're giving readers the incredibly annoying task of trying to decipher all that without clear breaks. What I talked about was a guideline in fiction writing; pick up almost any published book and you'll see they follow this guideline without exception.


While technically correct on spacing, this new clarity highlights the second issue I mentioned about your excessive dialogue tags, the second paragraph in particular. Better flow in that line's instance comes from:

"Dialogue" Character tag/action beat "Dialogue"

This gets particularly advanced in terms of 'hearing the prose' but the general line-up is:

- "Dialogue" Character tag/Action beat
- Character tag/Action beat "Dialogue"
- "Dialogue" Character tag/Action beat "Dialogue"

There are deviations but most styles revolve around those three as the core.

Hello again Proctor, sorry for taking so long to reply. I was so busy recently, that I didn't have the time or energy to check on online stuff.
Thanks for taking the time to explain what you mean with examples. I understand it now better. I made a screenshot of it. It probably will come in handy in the future. I think for now I´ll continue to ramble away like my brain forms the sentences in my head and correct them at a later point.
English is my second language, so I fear it will take too much time for me to write anything if I try to recall writing rules that I´m unfamiliar with.

Once again, thanks for your effort. I invite you to try my story again when more chapters are available. let us say in about half a year?

Wish you a great day

 

[MBerkeley]

Den of Lions

Dante Sato's self imposed peaceful life at a foster home is interrupted when a prominent family named the Kaneko decides to adopt him due to his potential. After 6 years of being shut inside the house being trained to inherit half of the family's assets. His adoptive parents decide to enroll...

www.scribblehub.com

I would really appreciate a review.

 

[Proctor]

read my shit please-https://www.scribblehub.com/series/546088/pete-ink/

Hello there, sorry for the late reply, I actually missed you on my first pass. You also didn’t specify so you get my uneducated rambles here. I read up to three chapters at the time of this post.

In my opinion, the best way to describe this novel is ‘raw’:

- The novel will switch from first to third person on occasion.
- There are missing periods, quotation marks, and commas all over.
- Run-on sentences exist in frequency.
- Paragraphs get broken up in the weirdest ways.
- Random capitalizations occur.
- There are quite a number of unintentionally fragmented sentences.

Now I don’t usually start a review with grammar, but this time is important because the errors are so intrusive that most people wouldn’t give your story a chance based on this alone. Compared to other subjective things like plot and character, grammar in fiction has clear guidelines to learn from, and it’s only a matter of reading traditional fiction or using Google to find out. Learn the rules before you try to break them, as they say.

As for the story itself, I feel that it’s a bit too immature at the moment to give the proper tone and gravitas you’re trying to go for. The inner philosophical moments of Pete with his ‘fuck this’ and ‘fuck that’ crossed with his high temper and murderous impulses make him frustrating to read; killing people because they make noise or because a guy is a ‘pussy’ makes him come across as childish. I’m not against villainous protagonists, but Pete feels more like a Scrappy Doo from Spooky Island instead of a Hannibal or Dexter.

The other characters aren’t that much better either, Miss Holiday feeling like a kid one moment and an angry mouthpiece the next, while the Governor throws out lines like a Saturday morning cartoon villain. And Pete does have a point, having criminals pilot a spacecraft? That’s nuts. Even worse, only having like four guards escort Pete and other criminals to the spaceship and equipment with guns, then not pay attention in case one of the criminals tries a shootout, which actually happens as Pete kills them. What? Hello? There's a difference between not getting paid enough and not wanting to get riddled with bullet holes.

Grammar pile: (Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong or ignore my advice)

Spoiler: There were a lot so I cherry-picked instead

life is wonderful but for crying out loud SHUT UP! no one cares about your struggle just grow up.
- ‘No’ needs to be capitalized.

As Pete laughs hysterically, No one else in the room says a word
- The ‘no’ here shouldn’t be capitalized.
- Missing period at the end.

I AM A PRISONER! IS THAT NOT ILLEGAL?? Enraged Pete Shouts
- Missing quotation marks for the caps log dialogue.
- Character tag, so ‘enraged’ shouldn’t be capitalized.
- ‘shouts’ shouldn’t be capitalized.
- Missing period at the end.

The governor lights his cigar "We are not joking Pete, you and a group of the most notorious, disgusting criminals put on death row will be dying to benefit America."
- Missing period after ‘cigar’.

Why don't you just fucking do it yourselves yo-
- Missing quotation marks for dialogue.

"No", Miss Holiday interjects
- Comma should be inside the dialogue.
- Missing period at the end.

Pete visibly annoyed tries to end the conversation but out of slight fear of what he's getting himself into he tries to bargain after-all they are threatening the thing he holds most dear, his "peace of mind".
- This should be two sentences, in my opinion.

"Oh my god.... what the fuck is happening"
- An ellipsis is 3 dots. There are instances of 4 dots but this isn’t one of them.
- Missing period at the end.

"I don't know The word red just sounded cool is all." Miss Holiday replies with quirky
- The ‘the’ in the dialogue shouldn’t be capitalized.
- Since it is a character tag the dialogue should end with a comma.
- The character tag doesn’t even end properly, making a fragmented sentence. ‘replies with quirky’? What?

SH wise I’d give a 2, in truth a 1. While a valiant attempt, I think there’s a lot of editing and learning to go. As long as you apply yourself I think you’ll make it.

 

[ADpt]

Are you perhaps interested in Action?

Save The Boss

An incident occurred in the SH facility. As Tyler became a wanted criminal. Due to what he did to his Boss. What will happen to him who just joined the SH?

www.scribblehub.com

I'm a noobie by the way and there are only three chapters for now. Also, the three chapters are like an introduction, so, the next chapter I'm working on might really start the plot. Lol.