Oh thanks. I completely forgot about that post. And yes I completely agree about Jess, she won't be returning. She was a simple fling, during his vacation. I actually culled her entire part because of the reasons you stated.
I think I understand what you meant about the storm pattern. I'll have to think it over alittle.
The Queen and the King relationship will be developed more. But yea probably unnecessary and too soon. But wouldn't you think she'd have assimilated after 2 decades?
The fight scene was very relevant. But the explanation is also very far away. I struggled how to play this out honestly. For a villian in the shadow, what's the best time to strike? That's what led to this scene from the plot. Because basically they are all in a room with noobs. The Queen wants to get the Heroes who are incapable of helping themselves to safety, but they are completely surrounded. So it isn't easy. It was supposed to feel very chaotic. Also I tried to hint at the Kings Oath influence, as what gave Zion the "helping hand", when it came to using aura. I didn't want him to be so handicapped for the next 20 chs, when his error gets fixed. But I actually changed that in the rewrite. His status will stay bugged until the.. lol. But yea, now he's basically cheesing to get stats/lvl up.
In regards to Zion and the King, did it come off unreasonably? They King isn't supposed to be hated, by the reader. From Zion's perspective he understands the King wants to protect his citizens and no reasonable person should willingly give strangers incredible power over themselves. That's a reasonable assumption, Zion holds. But at the same time, Zion doesn't want to be drafted into a war, in a world he knows nothing about. So he understands the King, but hates his method. As the King refuses to budge on the issue, was willing to kill them all outright and in fact placed them under an oath that sways their perception of him. Though that's a spoiler iirc. I believe I took that part out and just hinted at it, when Zion finished his Oath and was lying on the floor from the Kings Gaze and Truth spell.
Honestly thank you so much. I think my main problem probably extends from pacing after reading your feedback. I probably should do a better job at foreshadowing as things that are relevant don't seem that way from another's perspective. Last two things, yup the flower pot and Jess was supposed to be comedic. Added that after a friend said the intro was too intense. Also, Zion's interaction with the princess reads wrong I'm thinking. She's leading him on for shits and giggles and he.. well he's a guy lol. So yea thanks again. I didn't even expect a full feedback on the entire 10chs, so I very much appreciate this. But I'll ask a question to end this.
Personally in my head, the story is about a 8.5 to 9.5. I like alot of what I came up with and think it's very unique, so I'm proud of myself there. But I'm also very cynical and am my worse critique. So I think it reads as a 6.5 to 7. And I know it's very early on but what would you say? Don't bother hurting my feelings, I know I'm very much a noob and am trying to get better, so you can lay it on me