Alright so, I'll probably say a lot, please don't take this as me being cruel because I'm not, My own writing has improved by a HUGE amount after one of my readers started correcting my mistakes, althought it's far from perfect.
If you look at my first fic "Welcome to the System" I still think it was a good idea, but I improved a LOT, and I have no doubt I'll continue to improve as long as I continue to write, I bet you will too if you don't give up.
My greatest suggestion is to do your best and try to improve your grammar, get a program to help out with that, but be careful because autocorrect sometimes changes things into diferent words.
Like, for example, in your synopsis:
"...wanting nothing more than TO start a new peaceful life..."
You didn't put the "
TO" there. There's many mistakes like that, where small words are just missing. Also, you sometimes miss an S for pluralization or even in '
She', leaving me confused if you're talking about the MC or someone else that suddenly appeared.
Knowing who is doing what is incredebly important, so it's particularly important that you say the right thing in such situations.
She, he, him, her, his, hers, it's really important to not miss that or you can leave your reader confused.
I'm not really a native english speaker, so I can't really give a lot of suggestions, but some of those missing words can really hurt your story.
I mean, I miss a lot of things in my own writing, and I tend to ignore most mistakes when I'm reading something, but, when I have to pause my reading because I don't actually understand what happened, that hurts the fic.
The second most glaring thing is the spacing. Sometimes, you can lose the formating when posting the fic, so be carefull with that, otherwise, try to fix things to make for a better read, like in a random piece of chapter 2:
"
“He just helping Rose to study- Ah! “ A punch hit her in the face and blood come out from the bruken lips.
“He steal my wife and now want to steal my daughter! Rose! Come here now!” he ran upstairs toward her
room, Rose could here the steps in the stairs near the wardrobe, a second later sound of crash echoed
through the house. "
"
Here, I don't actually know where the paragraph is, it would be much better like this:
"
“He's just helping Rose to study- Ah!“ A punch hit her(?) in the face and blood come out from the(her?) broken lips.
“He stole my wife and now wants to steal my daughter! Rose! Come here now!” He ran upstairs toward her
room. Rose could hear the steps in the stairs near the wardrobe, a second later, the sound of a crash echoed
through the house."
"
Now, ignoring the mistakes, what I wanted to show was the spacing between paragraphs, the lines were really close in the same paragraph, but you can even skip a line when changing paragraphs and it will be a much better read.
Really, it's better to have a large space between paragraphs than no space at all. (But it's better to only have a small space.)
Now, there's a lot about punctuation that I could say, but that really is more nitpicking that you could improve slowly, like never forgetting to end a speech with some punctuation, or keeping speech and action on the same paragraph when it's the same person doing it.
Look at this other part of chapter 2:
"Rose raised her head.
" “He kill her… mom, he killed her”
Henry didn’t know what to say, he just looked at the girl and nodded silently.
Rose’s hand tightened in his jacket and she looked at him with a look full of terror “I don’t want him to hurt
you or anyone else!” "
It would be better like this:
"
Rose raised her head. “He killed her… mom, he killed her.”
Henry didn’t know what to say, he just looked at the girl and nodded silently.
Rose’s hand tightened in his jacket and she looked at him with a look full of terror. “I don’t want him to hurt
you or anyone else!” "
The new version clearly separates things, notice that Rose's action and speech remains on the same paragraph (the first one), and that now, her speech ends in with a period. This makes it very clear that she's the one that's speaking, and that it has ended.
Then comes Henry's action/reaction in a second paragraph and, again, Rose on the third paragraph, notice how, before her speech starts, there's a period, her speech also ends in a "
!" so you don't need another period.
Now, as I said, I'm not exactly an expert on all of this, but fixing the spacing, improving the grammar a little and solving the parts where there's confusion about who is speaking or doing something should really improve your fic.
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