noobie writer requests feedback

[shadowniy]

Hello, if you haven't already guessed, but I'm a noobie writer and would like some constructive criticism. The link to my story is in my signature. Its genre is mainly fantasy with sci-fi and RPG elements coming in to picture later.

Some friends read it, and they said it was good. But I want some other people's opinions. So far, I am happy with the first chapter, and most of chapter 2 is in the process of being done; I need to tweak the pacing for that.

 

[melchi]

As dawn quickly approaches, a roaster calls out, Beckoning all who hear its call to start their day. But at a nearby farmstead, a family of six has already started their day and is seated at the kitchen table, having just finished eating. Sitting all around their rectangular table, seated at its head, is a woman in her mid-forties; she still has leftover baby fat around her lovable belly; her height is approximately five feet six inches, while five young men are each placed at the table's sides.

This is the first sentence and second sentence. Can you see why this might scare readers away?

 

[shadowniy]

This is the first sentence and second sentence. Can you see why this might scare readers away?

If you're saying it does, I believe you. How would I fix it? Some of my friends wanted more of a description of the protag and family. And is the opening line really that bad?


It used to open like this

As dawn quickly approaches, a roaster calls out, Beckoning all who hear its call to start their day. But at a nearby farmstead, a family of six has already started their day and is seated at the kitchen table, having just finished eating. Sitting all around their rectangular table, seated at its head, is a woman, while 5 young gentlemen are each placed at the table's sides.

should I have kept it like that

 

[melchi]

It is a big block of text. The second sentence is a huge run-on.

Most importantly, it barely has any substance.

The first chapter should always have 1 purpose. It needs to hook readers.

My first thought after taking a glance was: "Do I really want to read something with so many comma splices?"

Also, the paragraphing is bad, hence block of text is first impression. It needs to be broken up into actors.

https://forum.scribblehub.com/threads/tutorial-writing-action-1-the-trick-to-writing-action-scenes-that-work.6699/#post-164551

Here's a guide about how to paragraph.

 

[shadowniy]

Thanks for the resource. I'll be sure to read it on my days off and redo my writing, aside from the formatting. How was the rest of it? Did it flow well? Were there any other problems that needed to be fixed?