I can give help with your diction and grammar. Although I do not know how much I can help story-wise. I'll review your first chapter and if you want some more detailed critique there are other authors who can do so over here
https://forum.scribblehub.com/threads/one-shot-feedback-association.346/#post-9715
Ok you open with the character's thoughts and that's a nice beginning however we don't understand what is he complaining about. What is not coming up? What is he thinking about? What is he trying to recall? The reader doesn't know hence the first sentence that should have been a nice start is wasted.
Here I am, dangling on a wall with hardly any recollection, let alone appendages. When I first came to, I was in a shop supposedly connected to a smithy. After a bit of confusion and gathering my wits about me, I came to one mind-bending realization: I perhaps might be a sword. Rather an abrupt truth, isn’t it? Of all things, a sword!
^ this portion, to me, seems to have a bit of disconnect between sentences try to smooth it out by concentrating on one topic and transition it to the next one.
I suggest writing it something like so:
Dammit! Nothing! I can't remember a thing! Great, just great. Here I am stuck to a wall, hung by a string with no comfort of memory nor cover! I literally have no clothes! Well... it isn't odd at all for a sword to have no clothes but.... still!! A sword with a conscience has to have some privileges right? Anyway why would I even be embarrassed? Im a sword for crusts sake! Ugh... but I just cant ignore the feeling I used to be something else.
^ since your second paragraph starts with him saying "ventings aside" your first paragraph can be mostly complaints that insert details of the situation here and there. You would have a better flow since the paragraph doesn't insert too much ideas into it because its main idea remains to be complaining about situation.
Your earlier paragraph had other ideas mixed into it such as location of the person and what realizations the MC had about himself. In the case of several ideas in a paragraph, give the space to transition so it wouldn't get awkward however please keep in mind that even in essay and speech writing the main ideas are usually 1-2 in a single paragraph or else it will get messy.
As for the details of the sword's location you can place that in the next paragraph easily. You've already set aside the complaints and are moving on to a new topic. Keep this paragraph with the idea of describing the general location of the sword. The paragraph already has a nice idea going but the word choice could use a little work.
Instead of writing
suspended on a post for hours, watching the few entrances and departures of persons ranging from smallish creatures to towering behemoths.
you can try writing
suspended on a post for hours, watching the few customers who's sizes range from small halflings to towering behemoths, enter and exit the doors.
^ you don't need to use big words to get what you want across and you may want to start with mentioning the subject then what the subject is doing. This is why I placed the "customers" first before the verb entrance and exit.
In the English language we were taught in elementary that subject comes before the verb. Although there are exceptions to this rule, it makes things easier to follow when sentences are written this way.
Other than the frail woman at the table and the distant clanging of metal in the background, nothing’s been going on
^ instead of using nothing's been going on, use nothing much is going on. This is because you have to take into account that you've said that the sword watched people enter and exit the shop.
For the whole night, I was awake, never tiring once.
^this sentence would be better if you changed "never tiring once" to " and strangely, I didn't feel tired at all."
Although never tiring once gets the point across, it sounds weird in my opinion. It gives off a poetic kind of vibe which doesn't really match the atmosphere we started with.
^ upon is a more exact term and then you pair it with about which is a more guesstimate kind of term, try not to do this since the words contradict each other.
Those hopes appeared to be answered rather quickly.
The man that entered swung the belled door rather airily with an egotistical waft gusting strongly into the shop.
^ there is only one hope we are addressing so do not use those as it is plural and the sword is thinking in a "present" kind of moment so adjust the writing to reflect this. Furthermore the first sentence didn't make sense at first read, so I broke it into 2 sentences to smoothen the transition between paragraphs and so that it would make more sense.
This hope of mine was answered rather quickly.
The bell chime rang as the door was swung open. The man that entered had an egotistic aura, almost narcissistic to be exact.
^ here I placed the sword's impression of the man so that I can characterize more, there is no need to put excessive description on things that wouldn't have personality.
The woman dryly welcomed the jet black haired man. Centered in the middle of the shop, the spry man stood poised, leisurely perusing the selection. Then, in one single moment, his eyes locked onto me.
^ You did well here. You didn't describe the man all in one go and broke the description through different sentences and in between actions. You didn't describe the color of his eyes which I will applaud you for since if you had placed that description it would over saturate the reader on the description for the man.
“Oh dear goodness, please not me.” I immediately thought. With a large, impudent smirk, his single, thin, tan finger pointed.
^ too much description for the finger, keep it down to 1 or 2 adjectives. No need to use "single" as we all know finger is a singular noun
With a large, impudent smirk his thin finger pointed
Actually you can do away with the description of the finger and it still gets the point across without distracting the reader too much.
With a large, impudent smirk he pointed at me.
^ Indicate what he is pointing at
He said with a brazen politeness
^ although you may want to use an oxymoron here (a figure of speech in which two apparently contradictory terms appear together) it kinda doesn't work in this situation try using another adjective
As opposed to her soft expression, the dainty woman’s eyes pierced at the man.
^ place this detail after her dialogue of 20 gold pieces, it would fit better there
"It's 20 gold pieces." she declared sharply, her eyes piercing, contradicting the soft expression on her face
Then separate the sword's thought from the action placed after the dialogue
"It's 20 gold pieces." she declared sharply, her eyes piercing, contradicting the soft expression on her face
Rather... I'm actually worth 15 pieces... what kind of saleslady are you? Raising the prices just cus he was an arrogant ass? Really?
^ you can also insert some humor in the thoughts if you so wish
The woman, flustered, was speechless. She attempted to gather herself, and she nearly did.
You don't need to place flustered as we can infer her being flustered by the next sentence which says that she attempted to gather herself.
The woman sighed in defeat, as did I (if I could).
Here instead of placing "if I could" in a parenthesis, place it with the actual action like so
The woman sighed in defeat, I would have too if I actually had lungs and a mouth.
^ you can take the opportunity to add sarcasm or humor
the woman said rather upset, saying her usual ending line
you can shorten this to
The woman recited her usual ending line, rather upset.
^ using the word recited enforces the fact she is upset, as reciting something feels more wooden than saying something
He looked at her knowledgeably
the right word here would be knowingly not knowledgeably
This would fit more after a dialogue like so
"4 gold" she responded with a sneer.
With only my hearing available to me, I heard the woman say,
I know that the "sight" was taken away because he is now inside the sheath but it's better if you actually show it. This will also make a smoother flow to the next portion.
example:
The man tossed four gold towards the woman and proceeded to grab sheath, placing me inside
geh! It's dark in here! Oi oi what am I supposed to entertain myself with now? I can't stare at leather all day! The only sense I can use now is my hearing... this is sad.
“That’s right. Before you go, I will need your name, as with the requirements.” The woman called, interrupting my internal complains
^ btw specify what requirement she's asking for since I got confused on what else she's asking for aside from his name.
That's all! I hope this helps :)
