Please tell me if something is wrong. Last chapter I messed up when writing my dialogue. My new chapter is 80% so I am just double checking.

ElijahRyne

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Last time my spidey senses were going wild when double checking my chapter. But, I could not find anything. When I asked here I figured out I messed up the flow of my dialogue. So I am double checking here. If everything goes well, I won’t ask for help again unless my spidey senses act up once more.
Joseph’s face as he shouted, how it twisted from fear to hate. Curse your damned demonic eye! A shout echoed through my mind. Then blue, a pure blue, consumed me. That bright light...That was the last thing I can(could) remember. What happened for Joseph to become so afraid of me? I was just asking him to return to his post. I knew that there was something he was hiding. We had known each other for years now. The last time he acted like that was four years ago, (I don't think there should be a comma here. not sure though) when he tried to attend his post without any armor. Yet, what happened… What happened for him to hate me so much?

This is just the first paragraph. I haven't read past it, but this already feels awkward.
 

ElijahRyne

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Joseph’s face as he shouted, how it twisted from fear to hate. Curse your damned demonic eye! A shout echoed through my mind. Then blue, a pure blue, consumed me. That bright light...That was the last thing I can(could) remember. What happened for Joseph to become so afraid of me? I was just asking him to return to his post. I knew that there was something he was hiding. We had known each other for years now. The last time he acted like that was four years ago, (I don't think there should be a comma here. not sure though) when he tried to attend his post without any armor. Yet, what happened… What happened for him to hate me so much?

This is just the first paragraph. I haven't read past it, but this already feels awkward.
Thank you for your feed back! I fixed the first two. As for the comma, I to am unsure. When reading outloud it seems like a good place to pause, so I kept it.
I remember Joseph’s face as he shouted, how it twisted from fear to hate. Curse your damned demonic eye! A shout echoed through my mind. Then blue, a pure blue, consumed me. That bright light...That was the last thing I could remember. What happened for Joseph to become so afraid of me? I was just asking him to return to his post. I knew that there was something he was hiding. We had known each other for years now. The last time he acted like that was four years ago, when he tried to attend his post without any armor. Yet, what happened… What happened for him to hate me so much?
 

Artique

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"Wake up!" A voice called out from the aether, beckoning me, but where was it guiding me to? "Wake up!" Something shook my shoulder, as I tried(Pretty sure try is also correct) to open my eyes.

“Pain, pure pain, my face, it burns! It burns! Pain!” My face felt as if it was melting. My eyes felt like they were being pulled out from my skull. “!” As my fingers cautiously approached my face, I wanted to know if what I was feeling was all an illusion.(This allows for a smoother flow of words...I think. ) Slowly, I touched my forehead...I felt no pain. (Three dots allow it all to be in a single sentence...and I changed nothing to no pain. I thought the mc was not able to feel his forehead at all. But the next sentence told me that he was talking about the pain.) Was my pain nothing but an illusion? I thought. Once more, I tried to open my eyes but I can't seem to open my right eye at all. I felt nothing as I touched my right eye.

This is how I would write the paragraph. Try not to put everything in a single paragraph. The readers will feel more connected to the story when you have to express a single emotion in a single line.

And just a tip...try using Grammarly...even the free version is worth a try 😁
 

ElijahRyne

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"Wake up!" A voice called out from the aether, beckoning me, but where was it guiding me to? "Wake up!" Something shook my shoulder, as I tried(Pretty sure try is also correct) to open my eyes.

“Pain, pure pain, my face, it burns! It burns! Pain!” My face felt as if it was melting. My eyes felt like they were being pulled out from my skull. “!” As my fingers cautiously approached my face, I wanted to know if what I was feeling was all an illusion.(This allows for a smoother flow of words...I think. ) Slowly, I touched my forehead...I felt no pain. (Three dots allow it all to be in a single sentence...and I changed nothing to no pain. I thought the mc was not able to feel his forehead at all. But the next sentence told me that he was talking about the pain.) Was my pain nothing but an illusion? I thought. Once more, I tried to open my eyes but I can't seem to open my right eye at all. I felt nothing as I touched my right eye.

This is how I would write the paragraph. Try not to put everything in a single paragraph. The readers will feel more connected to the story when you have to express a single emotion in a single line.

And just a tip...try using Grammarly...even the free version is worth a try 😁
Here is what I did:
"Wake up!" A voice called out from the aether, beckoning me, but where was it guiding me to? "Wake up!" Something grabbed and shook my shoulder, as I struggle to open my eyes.



“Pain, pure pain, my face, it burns! It burns! Pain!” My face felt as if it was melting. My eyes felt like they were being pulled out from my skull. “!” I cautiously guide, my fingers to my face. I wanted to know if what I was feeling was all an illusion. Slowly, I touched my forehead. I felt no pain, nothing. Was my pain nothing but an illusion? I thought. I tried opening my eyes once more. Yet, I can’t open my right eye. I once more moved my hand and tried touching my right eyelid. I felt nothing, truly nothing
As for Grammarly, I will try it. I have been using this, but I have realized that some of the suggestions it had made were wrong/bad. An example would be turning the tried’s to try. So if a word of warning to anyone wishing to use quill bot, be careful.
 
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Here is what I did:
"Wake up!" A voice called out from the aether, beckoning me, but where was it guiding me to? "Wake up!" Something grabbed and shook my shoulder, as I struggle to open my eyes.



“Pain, pure pain, my face, it burns! It burns! Pain!” My face felt as if it was melting. My eyes felt like they were being pulled out from my skull. “!” I cautiously guide, my fingers to my face. I wanted to know if what I was feeling was all an illusion. Slowly, I touched my forehead. I felt no pain, nothing. Was my pain nothing but an illusion? I thought. I tried opening my eyes once more. Yet, I can’t open my right eye. I once more moved my hand and tried touching my right eyelid. I felt nothing, truly nothing
As for Grammarly, I will try it. I have been using this, but I have realized that some of the suggestions it had made were wrong/bad. An example would be turning the tried’s to try. So if a word of warning to anyone wishing to use quill bot, be careful.
I'd recommend using grammarly as well. Maybe tweak with the setttings a bit. I'll try going over another paragraph or two. That'll have to wair for tomorrow, though.
 
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I remember Joseph’s face as he shouted, how it twisted from fear to hate. Curse your damned demonic eye! A shout echoed through my mind. The words kept echoing through my mind. Then blue, a pure blue, consumed me. That bright light...That was the last thing I could remember before a bright blue light consumed me. What happened for Joseph to become so afraid of me? Why was Joseph so afraid of me? I was just asking him to return to his post. I knew that he was hiding something. We had known each other for years now. The last time he acted like that was four years ago, when he tried to attend his post without any armor. Yet, what happened… What happened for him to hate me so much? Why did he hate me this much?


"Wake up!" A voice called out from the aether, beckoning me, but where was it guiding me to? "Wake up!" Something grabbed my shoulder and shook me my shoulder, as I struggled to open my eyes.



“Pain, pure pain, my face, it burns! It burns! Pain!” My face felt as if it was were melting. My eyes felt like they were being pulled out from my skull. !” I cautiously guided, my fingers to my face. I wanted to know if what I was feeling this was all an illusion. Slowly, I touched my forehead. ,yet I felt no pain, nothing. Was my pain nothing but an illusion? Was it all just in my head? I thought. I tried opening my eyes once more, and succeeded - though, partially. Yet, I can’t couldn't open my right eye. I once more moved my hand, and tried trying to touch my right eyelid., but I felt nothing.



"What!?" I screamed in my head. My eye was missing. Panic consumed my thoughts, (needs a transition) until they were gradually replaced with a sense of loss. Panic consumed my thoughts, and my heart felt like it would burst. I kept tracing the outlines of my now empty socket, replaying my last memory. I had lost both my eye and a friend. I felt as if I was stranded on the ocean, while on a raft, and storm clouds were obscuring the sun. I felt alone, stranded in the ocean with dark clouds obscuring the sun.

(new line) "You are awake, right? Are you awake?" A voice shouted, clearing my mind.

(new line)"Where am I?" I thought, as I looked around me. looking around.
A small disclaimer: I'm not an expert, not even close. You can disregard everything I said, if you want.

That said, I tried maintaining the expressions you used the best I could. Most of your mistakes should be caught in proofreading, so you should use grammarly, and understand and listen to what it says.

I couldn't explain every edit I made without making a mess, so if any don't seem to make sense, let me know, and I'll explain them.
 

KiraMinoru

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Pain, pure pain, my face, it burns! It burns! Pain! My face felt as if it was were melting.

Am I the only one who finds this sounds stupid? Why would someone exclaim the bold part out loud in dialogue? Nobody’s going to go around saying that out loud if it feels like their face is melting. That’s more fitting to an internal thought.

Pain.

Pure pain.

“It burns! IT BURNS! AHHHHHHHH!” My face felt as if it were melting.

Adding in a shrill cry inside the dialogue is more logical if one’s face feels like it’s melting, no? Another change for this line is removing the ‘my face’ from the dialogue as it’s redundant. I haven’t read everything for context of the scene, but if there is an observer, they should be able to discern what hurts based upon your characters actions such as clawing at his face rather than words here. You’ve included the face outside the dialogue which gives the reader who can’t see the context.

Personally I’d still edit that line further though.

“It burns! IT BURNS! AHHHHHHHH!” Followed by my shrill agonized cry, I clawed at my face, overwhelmed by the searing pain. It felt as if it were melting.

For extra effect though, that cry in the dialogue would work pretty nice with a unique font. One that looks like it phase shifts up and down. Making you feel like he’s truly shaken up to the extreme by that sense of pain.
 
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ElijahRyne

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Pain, pure pain, my face, it burns! It burns! Pain! My face felt as if it was were melting.

Am I the only one who finds this sounds stupid? Why would someone exclaim the bold part out loud in dialogue? Nobody’s going to go around saying that out loud if it feels like their face is melting. That’s more fitting to an internal thought.

Pain.

Pure pain.

“It burns! IT BURNS! AHHHHHHHH!” My face felt as if it were melting.

Adding in a shrill cry inside the dialogue is more logical if one’s face feels like it’s melting, no? Another change for this line is removing the ‘my face’ from the dialogue as it’s redundant. I haven’t read everything for context of the scene, but if there is an observer, they should be able to discern what hurts based upon your characters actions such as clawing at his face rather than words here. You’ve included the face outside the dialogue which gives the reader who can’t see the context.
It was supposed to be an inner thought, instead of dialogue! I.E. “I am hungry.” Compared to “I am hungry.” One is italicized, which I think indicates thought, I don’t remember whether or not I surround those thoughts in quotation marks… Yet, I do see your point!
 

KiraMinoru

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It was supposed to be an inner thought, instead of dialogue! I.E. “I am hungry.” Compared to “I am hungry.” One is italicized, which I think indicates thought, I don’t remember whether or not I surround those thoughts in quotation marks… Yet, I do see your point!
Also, you should make better use of white space. I don’t mean just putting a space between each new line. I mean cutting up those clunky blocks of paragraphs into much smaller digestible chunks. Reading a physical book and reading something digitally are two completely different things. Something that makes me not want to read is when I look at it and it just feels like it would be tiring to read it. It feels heavy looking at those thick blocks.

The greatest offender is this:

"Our Lime Copper tower never used the demonic runes." They said, as they placed the tome on a desk in the corner of the room. They continued to speak while flipping pages in the tome. "300 B.C. was when we arcanists discovered interplaner communication. Each tower communicated with different planes. Through this, our civilization had learned about many things. One of those being the danger of the runes." They grabbed my arm, and helped me back into bed. They then brought me the tome. "Runes are made from the soul seals of supremely powerful beings. All beings with a soul have one. The seal allows your soul to brand energies. For example, when you eat, your body will assimilate some of the food you take in. When this happens, your soul will seal this matter. When you cultivate, your soul seals the energies you capture. The soul seal can change as you grow stronger. When one forms a core, they carve a formation on it. When they do so, they change their soul seal, which assimilates the carved formation. When a soul becomes strong enough, this seal can be used by others to manipulate energies." I was baffled, so I asked, "How do we know this?" "I was getting to that," they responded, "Souls formed on planes are branded with the plane's seal. This seal protects the soul of those on the plane from the plane's spiritual suppression. For example, our plane’s soul seal is a magic hand. When you use it in a spell, you can use it to create life." "It’s impossible to create life with magic!" I exclaimed. "Why? To create a living being, the being needs a soul and a body. So all you need to do is capture a few incomplete souls, mark them with the seal, and then feed them until they become a complete soul. Then you add it to a body."They responded, with a look of contempt on their face.
 
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It was supposed to be an inner thought, instead of dialogue! I.E. “I am hungry.” Compared to “I am hungry.” One is italicized, which I think indicates thought, I don’t remember whether or not I surround those thoughts in quotation marks… Yet, I do see your point!
Thoughts shouldn't be placed in between quotations. You can do it but most people who read it would be confused. I thought the MC was directly addressing the readers.
Also, pure pain doesn't mean anything. I get what you meant but it doesn't make sense. Instead: pain, unbearable pain, would convey it better.
 

ElijahRyne

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Thoughts shouldn't be placed in between quotations. You can do it but most people who read it would be confused. I thought the MC was directly addressing the readers.
Also, pure pain doesn't mean anything. I get what you meant but it doesn't make sense. Instead: pain, unbearable pain, would convey it better.
Thank you for the input fixing it now, had class earlier
Also, you should make better use of white space. I don’t mean just putting a space between each new line. I mean cutting up those clunky blocks of paragraphs into much smaller digestible chunks. Reading a physical book and reading something digitally are two completely different things. Something that makes me not want to read is when I look at it and it just feels like it would be tiring to read it. It feels heavy looking at those thick blocks.
.
fixed!

Current version:
Andha Ild’s POV



I remember Joseph’s face as he shouted, how it twisted from fear to hate. Curse your damned demonic eye! A shout, with words that echo through my mind. Then it was blue, a pure blue, that consumed me. That bright light...That was the last thing I could remember. Why… What happened for Joseph to become so afraid of me? I was just asking him to return to his post. I knew that there was something he was hiding. We had known each other for years now. The last time he acted like that was four years ago, when he tried to attend his post without any armor. Yet, what happened… What happened for him to hate me so much?



"Wake up!" A voice called out from the aether, beckoning me, but where was it guiding me to? "Wake up!" Something grabbed and shook my shoulder, as I struggle to open my eyes.



Pain, I am freezing, my face, it burns! Its freezing! It burns! Pain! My face felt as if it was frozen before being set out into the sun and then melting into a puddle of goo. My eyes felt like they were being pulled out from my skull. “!” I cautiously guide, my fingers to my face. I wanted to know if what I was feeling was all an illusion. Slowly, I touched my forehead. I felt no pain, nothing.

Was my pain nothing but an illusion? I tried opening my eyes once more. Yet, I couldn’t open my right eye. I once more moved my hand and tried touching my right eyelid. I felt nothing, truly nothing.



What!? My eye was missing. Panic consumed my thoughts, until they were gradually replaced with a sense of loss. I had lost both my eye and a friend. I felt as if I was stranded on the ocean, while on a raft, and storm clouds were obscuring the sun. "You are awake, right?" A voice shouted, clearing my mind. Where am I? I thought, as I looked around me.



I was in a small room made of tan stone bricks. Each brick had a strange small magic formation carved into them. They were strange, because they didn’t concur with the modern orthodox for creating a formation.

In the orthodoxy, you start by drawing the rune for the element you wish to use, then you write a runic code for the spell you wish to make inside the rune, then you connect the code to itself using magic lines, and then you connect the code to the elemental rune.

Here, though, the formations start with the elemental rune, then they use one or two runes for their code, and then they fill the elemental rune with strange patterns made from magic lines. Due to the peculiarities of the formations, as I scanned the bricks, I recognized only three of these formations. One being a dust removing formation, the other being a water repealing formation, and the last being a silencing formation. Between the bricks seemed to be a particular blue-green color, akin to rusted copper.



There was someone standing to my left. They had short hair and wore a peculiar robe that looked as if it were made from copper. Their eyes and hair were brown in color. With their eyes being darker than their hair, as I was looking around, they began to speak.

"You are now in the last of the arcanist towers, or at least the last I know of. I am Daska Teleftai. I am the only living arcanist on this plane. Perhaps the last in the Void Sea…" They sighed, as I was shocked and scared."You mean the arcanists who started the calamity?! Weren’t you destroyed when you tried to protect the plane from those demons you invited?!" I said as I was trying to find an exit.



I should have known when I was looking at these formations. Yet, now that I am looking at them, aren’t they different from what historians described? It was recorded that the arcanists relied almost solely on magic runes in their formations. But there was almost none here.



I looked back to Daska only to see that they were not there. Quickly, I scanned the room, only to find no one. I tried to stand up, only to be hit with a wave of dizziness once I succeeded. I fell to the ground. While trying to get back to my feet, I heard footsteps approaching my side. I looked over, only to see that Daska had returned, with a big tome.



"Our Lime Copper tower never used the demonic runes." They said, as they placed the tome on a desk in the corner of the room. They continued to speak while flipping pages in the tome. "300 B.C. was when we arcanists discovered interplaner communication. Each tower communicated with different planes. Through this, our civilization had learned about many things. One of those being the danger of the runes."

While talking, they grabbed my arm, and helped me back into bed. After doing so, they brought me the tome.

"Runes are made from the soul seals of supremely powerful beings. All beings with a soul have one. The seal allows your soul to brand energies. For example, when you eat, your body will assimilate some of the food you take in. When this happens, your soul will seal this matter. When you cultivate, your soul seals the energies you capture. The soul seal can change as you grow stronger. When one forms a core, they carve a formation on it. When they do so, they change their soul seal, which assimilates the carved formation. When a soul becomes strong enough, this seal can be used by others to manipulate energies."

I was baffled, so I asked, "How do we know this?" "I was getting to that," they responded, "Souls formed on planes are branded with the plane's seal. This seal protects the soul of those on the plane from the plane's spiritual suppression. For example, our plane’s soul seal is a magic hand. When you use it in a spell, you can use it to create life."

"It’s impossible to create life with magic!" I exclaimed. "Why? To create a living being, the being needs a soul and a body. So all you need to do is capture a few incomplete souls, mark them with the seal, and then feed them until they become a complete soul. Then you add it to a body." They responded, with a look of contempt on their face.



"Now then, stop interrupting me. Where was I… Oh yeah, our Lime Copper tower learned that some powerful beings can sense when their soul seals are used in spells. So, we issued a warning to all the towers... unfortunately, they did not listen. When we discovered how to travel between planes, a powerful being sensed our plane. It sent many of its subordinates to capture us. We resisted for twenty-six years, before we were defeated. Then they started to attack the towers. All the towers asked for help from the planes. One by one, towers were destroyed until reinforcements arrived."

"The cultivators?" I asked. "Yes," they responded, "the cultivators arrived and asked for payment, so we told them of our magic. They were happy with our payment, and killed or sealed the invaders. After that, they found the culprit behind the raids on our plane. They fought and sealed them on this world's moon. Now, what will you do to pay for this information?" They asked. "You didn’t expect this to be free. Not only did I save your life, but I also told you the tower's history. Before the calamity, that was enough to pay for five years' worth of formations. So will you pay now, or start working for me?"

"What?! That was more than four hundred years ago, and I doubt your information was worth that much. You only clarified some obscure history, in less than five minutes!" I exclaimed as I grew angry.



"Do you even know what happened to you? Do you know how much it costs to save you? Your soul was almost destroyed, when you were hit by that soul beam. Not only that, but your core exploded, damaging your body while your bloodline was rejecting your soul. How do you think I healed you?" They questioned. "It took a salve made from five soul berries processed with the roots of a five hundred year old tree, aged for 100 years. To heal your soul. To heal your body, I had to use a 50-year-old health potion, and don’t even get me started on your bloodline." They said this in a hushed but angry tone. "What do you think you should pay!" They said, as I was at a loss, I came from a small noble family, but they could not afford the health potion, let alone the other medicines. "I don’t have enough money to pay for the treatment, what should I do?" I asked, as a slight smirk appeared on their face. "Easy," they responded, "become my apprentice and pass on our legacy to the future generations."
 
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