Re: Newbie Writer requests feed back

[shadowniy]

Hello all I'm back at it again i have reformatted the first chapter of my story please dig in to it and let me know if i did better

 

[TsuruI_am_a_bot]

Tip : You forgot to link it

 

[shadowniy]

Oh, I thought it was sufficient to have the link in my signature, but here is the link directly to the chapter

https://www.scribblehub.com/read/1113453-apathy-of-the-universe-a-gods-tale--side-story/chapter/1113457/

 

[Lloyd]

The opening paragraph is too much fluff. Needs a hook for retarded people like me.

 

[shadowniy]

The opening paragraph is too much fluff. Needs a hook for retarded people like me.

yea I struggled to even make that opening line haha as I don't really know how to open my stories ever and I really wanted to include the roster cawing for some reason