Some Feedback Please

[TwilightForest]

Hi friends!
I'm looking for some feedback/ reviews on my latest novel here.
Love and hatred, I'll take them all~

Spoiler: Introduction

A young athlete is banned from taking part in women's sport due to the high level of testosterone in her body. She discovers herself to be an intersex person and decides to go for sex change operations. But does the struggle to discover her true identity end here? Does she find true love? What awaits her at the end of her journey?

Author's Note: This story is purely fictional and any resemblance to any living or non-living person is purely coincidental.

Link: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/27825/blue-rose/

Thanking you in advance~

 

[Eukro]

It's an interesting character for sure, I got swept up in the main character's life, but I also felt like the main character's life was hollow. It was hard to stay interested. Maybe it's too early in the story and the main plot hasn't been seen yet?

 

[TwilightForest]

It's an interesting character for sure, I got swept up in the main character's life, but I also felt like the main character's life was hollow. It was hard to stay interested. Maybe it's too early in the story and the main plot hasn't been seen yet?

Perhaps it is the hollowness of their life that the MC seeks to fill.

 

[JustHANO]

"Decorated with colourful lights and festoons they looked like giant drops of candy" They should be *that or a start of a new sentence.


"Outside the Well of Death spectators cheered on happily as I struggled to keep my mind focused on the path curved on the wall inside the cylindrical arena." Need a comma after Death.

"Inna dragged me towards one of these restaurants. As I recognized it I shuddered instantly" it didnt let me copy and paste but a lot of spaces between words in this sentence is double spaced for some reason.

"Warm smell of food floated..." sounds werid. Probably add The at the beginning.

"mother's 3rd death anniversary." Makes it sound like happy lol. 3rd anniversary of my mother death. This one is opinionated tho.


"It was for Bill who used to return with me from time to time. " comma after Bill and maybe it's whom. Idk I'm not a whom expert tho. You know what I might be wrong about both things here.

That's where ill stop for now, sorry at work. There's grammar mistakes that can be solved by re-readi ng your work any chance you get. Um there was also a part when mc and Bill was talking that felt like shakey dialogue. Bill goes whats wrong and mc just never responds to that and changes the question. Idk, with my friends who care enough to ask this, no response wouldn't be enough to escape the question. Maybe a quick "nothing im good."

I'll try to get back later. At the point where im at, there's nothing keeping me here, but i feel at the end of the chapter something will come up to hold the audience. I have fate. It's not like it's bad, its just nothing interesting has happened yet.

 

[TwilightForest]

"Decorated with colourful lights and festoons they looked like giant drops of candy" They should be *that or a start of a new sentence.


"Outside the Well of Death spectators cheered on happily as I struggled to keep my mind focused on the path curved on the wall inside the cylindrical arena." Need a comma after Death.

"Inna dragged me towards one of these restaurants. As I recognized it I shuddered instantly" it didnt let me copy and paste but a lot of spaces between words in this sentence is double spaced for some reason.

"Warm smell of food floated..." sounds werid. Probably add The at the beginning.

"mother's 3rd death anniversary." Makes it sound like happy lol. 3rd anniversary of my mother death. This one is opinionated tho.


"It was for Bill who used to return with me from time to time. " comma after Bill and maybe it's whom. Idk I'm not a whom expert tho. You know what I might be wrong about both things here.

That's where ill stop for now, sorry at work. There's grammar mistakes that can be solved by re-readi ng your work any chance you get. Um there was also a part when mc and Bill was talking that felt like shakey dialogue. Bill goes whats wrong and mc just never responds to that and changes the question. Idk, with my friends who care enough to ask this, no response wouldn't be enough to escape the question. Maybe a quick "nothing im good."

I'll try to get back later. At the point where im at, there's nothing keeping me here, but i feel at the end of the chapter something will come up to hold the audience. I have fate. It's not like it's bad, its just nothing interesting has happened yet.

Thank you for reading and pointing out the mistakes. *notes them down*
I'll keep them in mind when I come back to it for re-editing.
I hope you get back to it later.

 

[JustHANO]

Ok back. I can say this isn't going to be my type of series.

That being said, the way you made that chase scene was amazing. The way you Painted the picture of them getting closer (literally and metaphorically) was amazing.

The twist at the end was decent. I'm not really a drama/love fan so I can't give out much here.

Biggest suggestion, Grammarly. Free and helps with grammar. Not sure if it'll add the needed commas tho.

 

[TwilightForest]

Ok back. I can say this isn't going to be my type of series.

That being said, the way you made that chase scene was amazing. The way you Painted the picture of them getting closer (literally and metaphorically) was amazing.

The twist at the end was decent. I'm not really a drama/love fan so I can't give out much here.

Biggest suggestion, Grammarly. Free and helps with grammar. Not sure if it'll add the needed commas tho.

Thank you so much, friend! I understand how this is not your type of novel as I have already read the first chapter of the series you posted. That was pretty decent imo.
Yes, this is not the type of story that everyone will love. Most of my writings actually fall in that category.
I'm not a fan of Grammarly, though. Though English isn't my native language, I've been using it as the medium of my studies and work since a very young age. My familiarity with the language sometimes leads me to take some liberty with it. But I can tell you that it is more instinctive than intentional.
Thank you again for the compliment~