[temporary closed :: busy writting]😈Raymann's Free Feedback Shop😈

[Raymann]

Welcome to the feedback thread of the newbie who got here just before you.
also known as
Rayman's free feedback thread

-----------------------------------------------------------------
"Believe me when I say, I am a true professional here. I ain't no normal reviewer. Giving feedback runs in my veins. Whether it is feedback about how ugly my neighbour's child looks or any web novel written by some random person on the internet, I perform my duty with utmost sincerity.

Do You know Mario.... Do You know Sonic.... Do You know Zelda...
Form Where do you think they got their feedback?
Me neither, but I can say one thing for sure that here, you will receive feedback that you will never forget."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

steps to ask for feedback

Post the web novel link and a short description of the genre. And write, what you specifically need feedback on (title, synopsis, chapters, user comments, your neighbour', etc.).

----------------------------------------------------------------

What I won't give feedback on

Stories I won't read:

1.) A story that its author himself cannot read.
2.) Story that is more than 2k words per chapter on average, bruh... I have a good life here, don't want to get transmigrated while reading.
3.) Anything that doesn't involve non-consent in sexual acts or stories that objectify Mine-Workers in any sexual manner.
4.) Even smut must have some standards. Your character should be breathing with the plot.
5.) Am I missing something??
----------------------------------------------------------------

How would I score the feedback
I would perform a long mathematical calculation to determine the exact value to be attached to your creation.
Each Scoring would consist of 5 of these.
--- how much I liked it
---- how much appeal it has to the general audience uhm... I mean readers
---- how much has Coolness plus freshness.
--- how much you bribed by comments, likes on my novels or posts, or plain buttering me up, give the feedback score.
---Overall sins (ya.. I know..I am straight up copying cinema sins yt now.) [+1 for magic novels]
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final word before I send you to fetch the quest
"Feedback is Feedback, it's not your grandfather's will. No need to take it seriously"
and
"You will always get 5/5 full stars form me on main site."

 

[RepresentingEnvy]

Can I post a meme one-shot here?

 

[Raymann]

Sure

 

[RepresentingEnvy]

Sure

The King’s Sniper (One-Shot)

Elaina takes her shot against the highest seat, The King.

www.scribblehub.com

Roast it.

 

[AdOtherwise]

Lowly Ascent

Within a desolate realm, where discarded worlds were stitched together, a rupture tore open, releasing a small child into this fragmented expanse. Above him, the sky revealed three eerie moons, while an ominous black mass loomed ominously in their wake. Disoriented and engulfed by a putrid...

www.scribblehub.com

I'm looking on feedback for anything really. But I mostly want help on if my story flows smoothly or if my earlier chapters are worse then my later chapters. If that makes sense

 

[Raymann]

The King’s Sniper (One-Shot)

Elaina takes her shot against the highest seat, The King.

www.scribblehub.com

Roast it.

-----------------------------------------------------
Warning!!!
Read only if you have the digestive system of a beast. The following review was written while reading along, I typed what came across my mind first.

"More than 5 kilometres east, away from the city, the king and his advisor were being watched."

That is almost twice the distance of the world's best sniper.

The view in the scope of her Magitek Rifle enhanced to such a degree that she could see the king’s sweat dripping from his forehead.

Okay, magic that explains it.
Now I am wondering what things might look like with that magic lens (cranked to max) if she was like 50 meters away.

“That is the part that troubles me. None of the poison testers have fallen. There have been no war declarations, and the guards haven’t spotted suspicious activity since the day of the attack.”

Ok... A terrorist/terrorist group is roaming around your kingdom, sniping off/bombing people (with a hole in their head or chest or maybe not, cause magic... yet, killing by shooting someone in no way looks look close to death by poison.) Why you (king) are gloating about having poison tasters?

“What you speak of is true, sire. Even my mages haven’t been able to learn anything useful.”

"Fire them. No need to waste my money."

....ungrateful.”

The runes of sound ceased, and the conversation cut off from Elaina, The Sniper. “Ungrateful,” Elaina said while letting her mana flow into the runes in the trigger well, “laughable.

Superb ears or magic lip reading

“Steady…Steady…Steady…”. *Boom*

Wait for it...

A loud bang rang out. It was so loud that all of the city’s people turned their heads. Even the King turned towards the noise,

The human ear has a dynamic range from 0dB (threshold) to 120-130 dB.

As sound travels, its intensity decreases by about 6 decibels for each doubling of the distance.
For example, a 130 dB sound at the source will be 124 dB at 1 meter, 118 dB at 2 meters, and 112 dB at 4 meters.
However, the source couldn't exceed 194db.
The 194 db limit is because, at that level, the rarefaction part of the wave becomes a vacuum.

Conclusion.

Even the King turned towards the noise, and then…

The snipe was in sonic boom source point and thus got recoiled so hard (I am not counting recoil from refile I am talking about change in air pressure the moment refile was fired) that her perch shook.
(Let's give her some magic thing that protects her ears and prevents her from being spattered on the wall behind.)
But....nothing can be done about.

The citizens bleeding from their ears.
And maybe a dead king.
------------------------------------------------------
Click below to check the scorecard.

Total sins ---- (one extra for magic)
Total bribe----
Total coolness(inspire) ----
Total appeal ---
Total like ---

Overall score 3.5/5
Final words -- "One shot won't do. Make it multi-shot."

 

[MintiLime]

-----------------------------------------------------
Read only if you have digestion system of a beast. The following review was written while reading along, I typed what came accross my mind first.



That almost twice the distance of world best sniper.



Ok, magic that explains it.
Now I am wondering what things might look with that magic lens (cranked to max) if she was like 50 meters away.



Ok... There is a terrorist/terorist group roaming round your kingdom, sniping off/bombing people (with hole in their head or chest or maybe not cause magic.... Yet, killing by shooting someone in no way look close to death by poison.) Why you (king) are gloating of having poison tasters?


"Fire them. No need to waste my money."


Superb ears or magic lip reading

Wait for it....

The human ear as a dyamic range from 0dB (threshold) to 120-130 dB.

As sound travels, its intensity decreases by about 6 decibels for each doubling of the distance.
For example, a 130 dB sound at the source will be 124 dB at 1 meter, 118 dB at 2 meters, and 112 dB at 4 meters.
However, source couldn't exceed 194db.
The 194 db limit is because at that level, the rarefaction part of the wave becomes a vacuum.

Conclusion.

the snipe was in sonic boom source point thus got recoiled so hard (I am not counting recoil form refile I am talking about change air pressure the moment refile was fired) that her perch shook.
(Let's give her some magic thingy that that protected her ears and avoided her form being spattered on wall behind.)
But....
People bleeding form ears.
And maybe a dead king.
------------------------------------------------------
Click below to check scorecard.

Total sins ---- (one extra for magic)
Total bribe----
Total coolness(inspire) ----
Total appeal ---
Total like ---

Overal score 3.5/5
Final words -- "oneshot won't do. Make it multi shot."

This is the most entertaining review I’ve read on here All hail the Raymann that did the math!

 

[Raymann]

Lowly Ascent

Within a desolate realm, where discarded worlds were stitched together, a rupture tore open, releasing a small child into this fragmented expanse. Above him, the sky revealed three eerie moons, while an ominous black mass loomed ominously in their wake. Disoriented and engulfed by a putrid...

www.scribblehub.com

I'm looking on feedback for anything really. But I mostly want help on if my story flows smoothly or if my earlier chapters are worse then my later chapters. If that makes sense

List one chapter.

 

[RepresentingEnvy]

-----------------------------------------------------
Warning!!!
Read only if you have the digestive system of a beast. The following review was written while reading along, I typed what came across my mind first.



That is almost twice the distance of the world's best sniper.



Okay, magic that explains it.
Now I am wondering what things might look like with that magic lens (cranked to max) if she was like 50 meters away.



Ok... A terrorist/terrorist group is roaming around your kingdom, sniping off/bombing people (with a hole in their head or chest or maybe not, cause magic... yet, killing by shooting someone in no looks look close to death by poison.) Why you (king) are gloating about having poison tasters?


"Fire them. No need to waste my money."


Superb ears or magic lip reading

Wait for it...

The human ear has a dynamic range from 0dB (threshold) to 120-130 dB.

As sound travels, its intensity decreases by about 6 decibels for each doubling of the distance.
For example, a 130 dB sound at the source will be 124 dB at 1 meter, 118 dB at 2 meters, and 112 dB at 4 meters.
However, the source couldn't exceed 194db.
The 194 db limit is because, at that level, the rarefaction part of the wave becomes a vacuum.

Conclusion.

The snipe was in sonic boom source point and thus got recoiled so hard (I am not counting recoil from refile I am talking about change in air pressure the moment refile was fired) that her perch shook.
(Let's give her some magic thing that protects her ears and prevents her from being spattered on the wall behind.)
But....
People bleeding from their ears.
And maybe a dead king.
------------------------------------------------------
Click below to check the scorecard.

Total sins ---- (one extra for magic)
Total bribe----
Total coolness(inspire) ----
Total appeal ---
Total like ---

Overall score 3.5/5
Final words -- "One shot won't do. Make it multi-shot."

Not roasted enough, but thank you~

 

[Raymann]

Not roasted enough, but thank you~

What to do can't help myself. I am a nice person after all.

 

[RepresentingEnvy]

What to do can't help myself. I am a nice person after all.

(humble)

 

[manwithastick]

The thing is in case you would be willing to read around 5k chapters then do so with this link: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/833485/toward-demarcus/
But since you said you prefer reading around 2k, give me feedback after reading from here: https://www.webnovel.com/book/toward-demarcus_27248604305906305
I dont need any feedback on title or synopsis; both of which is under construction but do give me some feedback on prose, structure, and especially pacing and at last whether if you would continue reading!
Thanks in advance good sir!

 

[Slays_The_Crusader]

A Merc’s Guide to Mercing

Ah, being a Mercenary, it's like being a soldier except more fun, and you don't have to care about silly things like 'not blowing up a children's hospital' Follow a team of ten totally unprofessional soldiers of fortune as people throw money at them to solve tasks that range from...

www.scribblehub.com

It's about a bunch of Mercenaries doing random stuff for money.
Review however much of it you want.

 

[Jay_stylez]

You can check out my novel if you like but if not that's ok to.

The little cat from bail more

This is the story of a cat who was born ill and was killed by its mother being too weak to exist. The life of Mau was short, but now with the opportunity to live again in a world of fantasy and advanced technology, he is determined not only to...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[AdOtherwise]

List one chapter.

Chapter 25

 

[melchi]

Aww my first chapter is 4k words....

 

[Raymann]

A Merc’s Guide to Mercing

Ah, being a Mercenary, it's like being a soldier except more fun, and you don't have to care about silly things like 'not blowing up a children's hospital' Follow a team of ten totally unprofessional soldiers of fortune as people throw money at them to solve tasks that range from...

www.scribblehub.com

It's about a bunch of Mercenaries doing random stuff for money.
Review however much of it you want.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 2, Review

WARNING, DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVE PURE HEART OF A MAIDEN. YOU CAN SKIP TO CLICK SCORECARD BELOW.
I will write whatever comes in my mind first while reading along.

....turns out three years studying Mercology doesn’t prepare you very well for ...

Mercology? Sounds like the degree I hold, utterly useless irl.

Janet snatched the phone from her pocket.

Pocket : "hey, I was using that..."

Yes, we want you to grave rob

My favourite pastime in last summer.

“Yes, well, er,” The man angrily sighed.

Sigh + angry with er sound.

“Woooo, I am so fucking cool!”

Fucking + cool.

“Those three years of Mercology were worth it!”

Can't say the same about my irl degree.

“And her stories ain’t that borin’”

I'll be the judge of that

Recon, Vitra here, come to the briefing room, I’ve got a job for you,

Vitra*

room alongside her were: Sally, Johnson, Jimmy and Chirag.

Da Team...

One person I tolerate, two I hate and some rando I keep forgettin’ exists, fantastic!” Jenny

The rando gonna die ~

Bad news, we’re doing government work,”

The audience of Mercs all groaned, except for Johnson, who had a big smile on his face.

His uncle must be some politician or he is the person who always keep a creepy smile.

Sally asked, the most cheerful of all about not paying her taxes.

Why is she behaving more like a Texas oil businessmen than a merc.

Well, we’re breaking into an Ancient Egyptian tomb

The task

Close quarters combat, not my field of expertise,” Chirag commented, lightly lifting up his anti materiel rifle

Tell me again, Why did I hired him? What do you think battlefield is.... Close combat should be first thing they should teach u in merchology*

Why am I coming along?” spoke chirag

“Well uhhh…” Janet mumbled. “You’re uh… the only person here who speaks Arabic so…” She trailed off.

“Ah, makes sense,”

No it doesn't. You have anti material gun but no access to a good translator device or someone more capable.

for the glory for America

Ye murica! Hell ya.

(What did she say?) The receptionist might not buy the lie unless...

“لا شيء، هي لا تستطيع التحدث، وأنت تهلوس.” (Nothing, she cannot talk, and you are hallucinating,) Chirag quickly blurted out.

“حسنا إذا" (Okay then) The receptionist shrugged, believing the lie and let the Mercs into the elevator.

No what how could she buy that excuse.... Chirag jedi powers.
......
......
Sighs.
I will continue the review for ch 2 once I get enough time, the chapter is too long and my browser keep crashing,
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Nutshell --- "Robbing Egyptian musketeers with American made anti material guns to avoid paying tax."

 

[AlmondCrushPocky]

Just started writing a couple of days ago, and would appreciate any criticism. Don't hold back!

It's an isekai litrpg novel about a tired overworked laboratory assistant isekaied into a world as a homunculus. I'm going a bit darker so there are some details of the novel that are a bit graphic, as a warning. I would like feedback on the readability and any tips on the structure and just general opinion of the novel. I do typically write over 2000 words per chapter so if it's too much no pressure!

Reincarnated as the Homunculus Queen [LitRPG Kingdom]

The year is 25 A.E., 25 years after The Empire united the human nations under its rule, wielding an arsenal of holy weapons known as homunculi. These magical beings, brimming with immense mana reserves, have been enslaved to serve as power sources and instruments of war. The Empire's grip...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Sleds]

Welcome to the feedback thread of the newbie who got here just before you.
also known as
Rayman's free feedback thread

-----------------------------------------------------------------
"Believe me when I say, I am a true professional here. I ain't no normal reviewer. Giving feedback runs in my veins. Whether it is feedback about how ugly my neighbour's child looks or any web novel written by some random person on the internet, I perform my duty with utmost sincerity.

Do You know Mario.... Do You know Sonic.... Do You know Zelda...
Form Where do you think they got their feedback?
Me neither, but I can say one thing for sure that here, you will receive feedback that you will never forget."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

steps to ask for feedback

Post the web novel link and a short description of the genre. And write, what you specifically need feedback on (title, synopsis, chapters, user comments, your neighbour', etc.).

----------------------------------------------------------------

What I won't give feedback on

Stories I won't read:

1.) A story that its author himself cannot read.
2.) Story that is more than 2k words per chapter on average, bruh... I have a good life here, don't want to get transmigrated while reading.
3.) Anything that doesn't involve non-consent in sexual acts or stories that objectify Mine-Workers in any sexual manner.
4.) Even smut must have some standards. Your character should be breathing with the plot.
5.) Am I missing something??
----------------------------------------------------------------

How would I score the feedback
I would perform a long mathematical calculation to determine the exact value to be attached to your creation.
Each Scoring would consist of 5 of these.
--- how much I liked it
---- how much appeal it has to the general audience uhm... I mean readers
---- how much has Coolness plus freshness.
--- how much you bribed by comments, likes on my novels or posts, or plain buttering me up, give the feedback score.
---Overall sins (ya.. I know..I am straight up copying cinema sins yt now.) [+1 for magic novels]
--- only for smut tag.
----------------------------------------------------------------

final word before I send you to fetch the quest
"Feedback is Feedback, it's not your grandfather's will. No need to take it seriously"
and
"You will always get 5/5 full stars form me on main site."

You got me with the mario/sonic/zelda line.

here my story : https://www.scribblehub.com/series/815788/crystal-evolution/

Please tell me how I can improve my neighbor

 

[Rhaps]

Infinity in the Void – Freedom in the Abyss

A girl woke up in a white room, with no memory of who she is. Yet she knew deep inside her held a power unlike anyone, represents by the markings, the tattoos of the Eight Pointed Star, given to her by an unknown force. With her power, endless possibilities was...

www.scribblehub.com

I need more constructive feedbacks!