The Hive(Free Feedback Thread)

[Glitched]

Good evening. If you're into isekai litRPGs, you can check out my draft anytime. I know it isn't published yet, mostly because I'm thinking of changing the entire narrative yet again, but it will be one day.

Crimson Purple

docs.google.com

P.S. Chapter 8 is incomplete because, again, I'm busy changing the narrative.

Ok...I stopped at 4, and I'm lost. Excellent diction and flow, but everything feels like it's moving too fast. I have no idea about half the things going on, especially with all the foreign names for things in your world. It's unique sure, but it's hard to embrace said uniqueness when I can't tell what's going on. The prologue was sorta understandable, although the very end felt weird. But for chapter 1, all I understood was one merc squad wiped another because they were plotting behind their backs. I feel like you are trying to present a lot of things at the same time, and as a result too little time is spent on each element of the story. I understand you're still revising so it's not that much of a problem, but try to imagine you're a reader who knows nothing about the world trying to read this for the first time. There are a lot of holes, but I'm sure your story could take off if you just tweaked it a bit for understandability.

Not fit for the library as it is now, but feel free to resubmit in the far future.

Style Score: 8
Story Score: 5
Grammar Score: 9
Character Score: 8
Overall Score: 7.5

 

[Glitched]

Since you didn't mention rules, I'll throw mine in the ring. Lay the Dragon, link below in my sig. It is a smut novel, but all smut chapters are marked as NSFW, and the first isn't until like, chapter 6.

Haha, I do not care about the likes of smut human. How do you think I produce so many children?

Anyway, I loved your story and read all that's currently published. While I don't really resonate with Arland, I love every other character. I don't know what it is, but I can't find myself to like him. Maybe its his ego. Maybe its the fact he acts older than he really is. Whatever the case he has to be one very swole 10 year old to do the stuff he's doing even if he has talent with a sword. Talent≠muscle mass.

Your world is beautifully put together, and steers away from the typical Tolkien-style Elves, dragons, etc. Nice to see some originality. There are only 8 chapters though, so not much else I can say about the worldbuilding yet.

The dynamic between Arland and Leera feels a bit weird at times, especially with the age gap(she literally says "my guy"), but it's not to the point where it's unbearable. It's just that at times she acts like a mother, others like a trainer, and sometimes like she is below him. That being said, Leera is my favorite character so far. She's flexible as a person, and perhaps the one person the reader's thoughts are most likely to align with.

The smut was fine, although that's more of a compliment given how many bad smuts their are. My only peeve with the smut is that neither the length nor girth of an 11 will ever fit in a regular humanoid. Trust me, I know from experience. It'd be acceptable if she was modified magically somehow, but that's not mentioned.

The best part of my reading was this line:

"That said, I am proud of how far you've come, Arland. You wield that sword like an artist with his brush. But you have to be careful, lest it be YOUR blood that paints the canvas."

Absolutely beautiful. I'm not sure if it's original, but stuff like this makes me smile. Reminds me of this quote:

"To redraw the map, the blood of soldiers must be the ink."

Anyway, all I'm saying is good job with the use of metaphors and the like. This is very much fit for my library, and I'll likely come back to it when it has more chapters.

Style Score: 10
Story Score: 8
Grammar Score: 8
Character Score: 8
Overall Score: 8.5

 

[RiaCorvidiva]

The Crow Goddess humbly offers her work to the Swarm Mother, acknowledging Her stated tendencies away from GL works and accepting the limitations She and Her kin might have regarding feedback accordingly:

The Legacy of Dragonfire [Epic GL Romantasy]

Six months ago, the Kingdom of Alstara fell, conquered by the neighboring duchy of Loriae. Not that Zethira, a roguish half-dragon living in the underworld of Alstara's former capital, could care less. That is, until a chance encounter with Elissa, the former princess of Alstara and last scion...

www.scribblehub.com

Due to the delay, would you please instead provide feedback on my new work, Godslayer Lysette? If you have already started Dragonfire, that's okay too.

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1037559/godslayer-lysette-academy--cultivation--factionbuilder/

 

[Glitched]

Hey again you reviewed mystory the other day so it would be awesome if you could review this one
i gave up on the other one cus i reached a roadblock, but this one i feel like is at least 10x better
https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/80723/the-supreme-leader-a-supervillian-litrpg

Not sure why you canceled your other story, but I'm glad you found something you like. For a litrpg, this wasn't half bad. I read all of what is published, and I can say it sounds like it can gain traction if you were to countinue writing. Just try not to let the MC win too much. Despite his stats, he starts off with a S-Rank ability, so care how much plot armor you give him.

It's especially weird that he unlocked an S-rank, not because it's too high, but because the other abilities felt too low. The highest thing the system offered him was a D. A D-Rank for powers of electricity. It just comes off weird that their wasn't an ability of at least rank C offered. Whatever the case I'm assuming players also could've gotten A-C rank abilities based on their choices in the end, so I'll wait for some more info around that.

Overall the writing looks good, and I could probably give a more thorough review with more chapters.

I'm not really into litrpgs, especially with how they get in the long run, but I'll add it to the library since my nerdy daughter may find interest in it.

Style Score: 7
Story Score: 8
Grammar Score: 8
Character Score: 8
Overall Score: 7.7

 

[John_Owl]

Style Score: 10
Story Score: 8
Grammar Score: 8
Character Score: 8
Overall Score: 8.5

I have to say, I do agree with you. Writing Arland is difficult, as the story is a rewrite. So I'm trying to keep him true to the version of him people read before, while also trying to portray him as a child.

as for the smut, I am aware of that, but I meant for it to be a sort of a "porn-physics" thing.

 

[LeeroyCGNA]

Hello @Glitched

I would love your feedback on my entry for J-Novel LN competition that I have posted on here. Since the competition window has ended, I won't be able to modify my entry, but it would be nice to hear some feedback. While some of my readers have commented, it's not really in a structured or critiquing kind of way.

Major League System

Follow the captivating journey of Ken Takagi, a high school baseball prodigy whose dreams were shattered by a devastating shoulder injury during a crucial match. After being forced to quit baseball and become a regular office worker, his life turns sour upon seeing his teammates compete on the...

www.scribblehub.com

Thank you in advance!

 

[someawkwardflame]

I have two books! Happy for you to read both or either id love comments on all my writing. Both are smut. The mecha one i have the least comment so if you don't have a preference and can only fo one.

Me & My Nemesis In a Giant Mech

Updated Friday & Monday Hera Cooper is about to get her final approval for the Deep Space Diplomatic Exploration program, and pilot a brand new DeepDiplo MKIX S-Xplorer Mecha to find the next great alien species humanity can connect with and achieve her life long dream. Meet and make meaningful...

www.scribblehub.com

The Tower of Passion

Updates: Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday, Sunday Fiona is a bored software engineer who spends all of her free time and money on her... special interests, roleplaying with her online friendgroup until one day she is teleported into a new world, turning into the character she has been...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Rookieqw]

Alright I stopped at two beacuse there's quite a bit to unpack here mortal. For starters, we have to do something about your initial presentation. There's a reason your view count is fairly low. When I look at a story given to me by you humans, there are two things I look at first and foremost. The book's cover, and then its title after I've been hooked or intrigued by the cover. In your case you pretty much lack both. I say "pretty much" mainly because you have a title, albeit it being lowercase. For the sake of my eyes and your readers, please capitalize it. Big letters attract attention and look more formal. As for a cover, find another mortal to craft one for you. Or use a robot. Do as you'd like.

Thank you! The title should be fixed and the cover is added.

That being said, anyone can draw in views with good tags, cover, and title, but it's much harder to entertain or retain said viewers. One thing I noticed is that your average chapter length was over 4000 words. Unless you are a God-tier writer that can hook viewers with very well written stuff over long periods of time, try to write shorter chapters. Viewer attention starts to fall off after 2000 after all.

Will do, and I am not a good writer; my prose and story as of yet are at their lowest, and my grammar could use help. I have no idea how to shorten what is already being written (I try to go one chapter one event or scene), but this advice is the one I've been hearing time and time again. I need to make myself heed it.

On the other hand, you somehow manage to leave me confused about the world they live in despite the high word count in chapter 1. I feel like more focus on the world early on would be nice, especially with how unique the world and way of naming is. Right now I can't imagine your story setting any differently the LoL's Zaun and Piltover's Underside/Topside relationship.

Sorry for subjecting you to this. I'll try to do better next time.

Thank you for your help and pointers!

 

[Glitched]

I'll throw my hat into the hive, why not.

Sweet Venom – Rebroken

Arc 1 & 2 - A small Nomad colony reports that thousands of people missing and no one dares to look into it, Diego Harley decides to investigate and becomes the fascination of dark, dangerous creatures that begin to obsess over him, putting everyone around him in danger as they try to claim...

www.scribblehub.com

Smut scenes are marked and skippable, otherwise its a blend of sci-fi, fantasty, action, thriller and horror. Good reviews mostly, just revamped the beginning too!

What is this!? Females with male reproductive organs? Amber level my ass. I was into the bj scene, only for Diego to suddenly get pegged. You vile creature. I will never forgive you. I should've known when I saw that you had an FA. Where can I find the Oxyi x Diego scene if there is one.

Smut aside, the story telling was perfect. I don't know what a piece like this is doing on the Hub of Scribbles. It deserves much more attention than it actually gets. Well your writing style at least. I understand that most aren't into anthropomorphism. That being said it definitely makes for a more unique world.

If I'm being completely honest, I'm not sure what there is for me to critique. Your characters interact and operate realistically, and your world is fleshed out nicely without info dumping. It's a shame more sci-fi novels don't write in this kind of style.

This is definetly going in the library, as one of my top picks actually.

Style Score: 10
Story Score: 9
Grammar Score: 8
Character Score: 9
Overall Score: 9.0

 

[Mikan_Citrus]

Hello! I am new to Scribble Hub and would like to receive constructive feedback on the chapters that I have posted here so far. Please let me know what you think, and I look forward to getting along with the community.

Arisaka: Celestial Violet (Action Packed Urban Fantasy!)

The Republic of Arisaka stands tall as the most powerful nation in the entire world. However, even this almighty superpower state of extraordinary metahumans and mages have struggled with an ancient conflict, one that has raged on for millennia—the war between humans, demons, and all sorts of...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[AvergeJoe]

Hello, I am new to Scribble Hub, I have uploaded a novel with 16 chapters I take any feedback I can get on it.

Genius Student Unbeknownst To Himself

In the competitive landscape of the 2060s, success and struggle are more evident than ever, particularly for high school students. At the pinnacle of this intense environment is the prestigious National Stellar Competition, a platform exclusively for the most gifted individuals. The protagonist...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Beta_Krogoth]

What is this!? Females with male reproductive organs? Amber level my ass. I was into the bj scene, only for Diego to suddenly get pegged. You vile creature. I will never forgive you. I should've known when I saw that you had an FA. Where can I find the Oxyi x Diego scene if there is one.

Smut aside, the story telling was perfect. I don't know what a piece like this is doing on the Hub of Scribbles. It deserves much more attention than it actually gets. Well your writing style at least. I understand that most aren't into anthropomorphism. That being said it definitely makes for a more unique world.

If I'm being completely honest, I'm not sure what there is for me to critique. Your characters interact and operate realistically, and your world is fleshed out nicely without info dumping. It's a shame more sci-fi novels don't write in this kind of style.

This is definetly going in the library, as one of my top picks actually.

Style Score: 10
Story Score: 9
Grammar Score: 8
Character Score: 9
Overall Score: 9.0

What a wonderful reply to come back to! Glad you enjoyed, even if Seeth was swinging in ways you perhaps didn't expect! Do let me know if you keep reading! I love how arc one pans out, still have some of my favourite moments of the whole series!

 

[ReadyGoLove]

Hi, I'd appreciate it if you could take a look at my work! Any and all feedback is greatly appreciated!

Starless Flower

If you could fundamentally understand people and the meaning behind their words, how would that change you? As a child, Marou Miyashita had a unique ability—he could see deep into people's souls. By focusing his gaze onto the stars that seemingly filled people's eyes, he would be able to...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[TheEldritchGod]

You seem insect-like, do you have a nice, glossy EXOskeleton? I am not a big fan of skeletons, in general, but I must admit, this new fad where one has a hard shell is eye-catching. If you do, then I would not mind you reviewing any of the stories in my sig file, should any jump out at you. They usually wait until you are alone and in a poorly lit location.

If you have an endoskeleton and those disgusting consumption orifice bones, please do not. I cannot respect your artistic choices and thus would not respect your review of my books.

 

[3kockeleda]

Hello!!

If its not too much to ask would it be ok for you to review the first two available chapters of my story?

The Crystal – A Cyberpunk Mystery

In the neon-soaked, rain-drenched streets of Novus Aether, a city of splendor shadowing a world of despair, a former guardian finds himself summoned to the enigmatic Crystals. An invitation, simple yet profound, propels him into the heart of the metropolis's glittering dangers and whispered...

www.scribblehub.com

Currently it's only two, but starting monday it will be updated daily so I'd like some honest opinions

 

[fluffypie374]

Well... the hive seems to be getting busy now, but I'll still bug you... come add some honey to mine before roasting it over da fire: Eternity Starts From His Seed

 

[KuyaImbo]

Hey! Please try mine: APOKALYPSIS: Lost Magic Awakening. I'll appreciate your review.

 

[Dhael_Ligerkeys]

Can your swarm read as well, my Lady?

Here's mine. Feel free to be brutally honest and I'm happy for you to make the review as public as you'd like. Even better if you could put it on the books page in the Hub of Scribbles - if that's not pushing your magnanimous kindness.

 

[Incoming]

Hello, this red egg wants to get feedback so he's sending you his little series. The first two are frankly...not good, but he personally thinks that the third one is the best so far. Let us know what you think! Cheers!

(https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1008583/the-void/)

 

[harrydouthwaite]

I did originally request some feedback on this, but I deleted it as I realized there was quite a lot of editing I had to do on it first.

Here is my human literature. In it you will find themes from popular titles such as The Curious Incident Of The Dog In The Nighttime, Diary of a Wimpy Kid, and The Railway Children. As the protagonist is interested in railways and is young at heart, there are also references to anthropomorphic tales such as Thomas The Tank Engine and Cars.

I've just finished revamping the first three chapters. Hopefully you find it intriguing.

Feelings and Fondness

In the mid-2000s, eleven-year-old Robin Brush lives in the commuter belt village of Stanstead Abbotts in Hertfordshire, England. He suffers constantly from being bullied, ridiculed, or misunderstood by almost everyone. Forced to live an isolated life as an outcast, he doesn't even have any...

www.scribblehub.com