Unus(one for those who don't understand Latin[uneducated people/s]) chapter feedback

[LowinKeshin]

You're right it didn't have anything to push the readers to lift the second page. Also, the first two is the only slice of life to show just how far Jane have fallen down the rabbit hole.

For the reviving of of religion, actually, no one believes it. In the story 95% we're not religious as they just gotten out from a dystopic era which is why they said world leader than a president. The culture a bit different.

But yeah, there is definitely a lot to change in the first chapters if I want reader retention.

 

[georgelee5786]

I’d like one for my story please.

Anna’s Dream

This web novel is about Anna the only child of the enigmatic being known as The Dreamer. Join her as she travels a world filled with magic and wonders. She's not the chosen one, she has no destiny and there's no telling what she's going to do next, other than...

www.scribblehub.com

Subject+ive re+viewww-ww(Help me I'm bored)

"It felt like being poked or maybe a light shining into a dark room." What? How do you feel a light shining into a room?

"[..]it memorized all there was to know about the dreams. They seemed so happy. Yet something was wrong. Some of the dreams were fading." You used dreams twice. You do this several times across several places. Generally, in writing, you should avoid using the same adverb, adjective, verb, and noun twice in a paragraph, but since this is a website for amateur writing, you don't necessarily need to follow that rule, so I won't point out every occasion.

An issue I also notice is that it is bland. No vivid descriptions of the dreamer's surroundings or her feelings at them. "The dreamer was encased in a box of darkness, dimmer than a night that had been abandoned by the gentle caress of the cool light provided by the moon and stars. Suddenly, it noticed a needle of light fighting its way through the all-encompassing shadows." That'd be a better description of the darkness in the beginning of the chapter. You mention a gooey substance. Does it cling to her? Does it slide off? What color is it? Is it like mud or tar?

Another example: when she is walking through the forest, you write: "It was gray, but the memories were full of color." To be fancy, you could've written something like: "It was a dreary gray, not unlike the color of gray storm clouds, but in the memories, the land had been filled with radiance and beauty, with brilliant flashes of red, green, blue, and every other hue of the rainbow." This way of writing is generally more enjoyable, I think.

You also lack description. "She walked down the rough path wanting to investigate it." Why is the path rough? Are jagged stones scattered across it, causing the dreamer to tread carefully to avoid cutting her feet, which I assume are bare since you never mentioned her wearing anything. Are there roots, dead leafs from autumns past, and broken sticks? Signs of life? Nigh unnoticeable pits?

"She had vague memories of men in black robes breaking the door and grabbing her, but it was all a blur, so she couldn’t be sure." Couldn't be sure of what? Either men in black robes grabbed her, or not, it being a blur wouldn't mess with anything. Again: no description of the cabin. It was ransacked how? Were chairs turns over, paintings ripped from walls and broken over knees, plates and bowls broken, papers and books scattered about, windows broken inward, floorboards ripped up?

"The only part that was tight was around the chest. She looked down and noticed that the cloth seemed to be straining some in that area. " Nice job dancing around saying 'She had big breasts.' I don't mean that sarcastically. Showing is better than telling. To convey height, don't write: "He was tall," write: "He had to duck to avoid hitting his head against the top of the door frame." You did good there.

"Name’s Ted and yes, I have a place for you. Several girls went missing a few weeks back, and I’ve been shorthanded ever since." Convenient.

Wouldn't Ted have made Anna dress properly first? She is barefoot and is wearing a dress that is either in tatters or is fit for a queen, I don't know since you didn't describe it. Plus she'd be dirty from the goo from earlier. Either way, I think he'd have made Anna wash up and put on clothes that fit and etc. before making her work.

Grammar issues:

"It pressed the eye against the crack which seemed to be getting larger." A comma should go between 'crack' and 'which'

"Suddenly the eye pushed through" I think there should be a comma between 'suddenly' and 'the'

"[...]It found itself in a strange world still looking at the dreams." There should be a comma between 'world' and 'still'

They began to writhe and lash about destroying anything in the general vicinity." Comma between 'about' and 'destroying'

"Suddenly she had the feeling she needed to leave this place." Comma between 'suddenly' and 'she'

“What can I do for you Miss?" Comma between 'you' and 'miss'

“You’re a natural Anna,” comma between 'natural' and 'Anna'

Overall: your story is simply boring. The lack of description, boring writing, meh pacing, and plot are nothing that attract me. There is no clear plot, no burning questions that make me go to the next chapter, desiring more to satisfy a burning lust to know what happens next. There aren't any real pros to balance it out, either. I can't justify giving you a high score.

One agitated beaver(possibly high).

 

[Deleted member 113259]

The very existence of all of these I'll give you feedback on one chapter threads has given me the best feedback to actually make my story clear within one chapter.

 

[Seaspecter]

Subject+ive re+viewww-ww(Help me I'm bored)

"It felt like being poked or maybe a light shining into a dark room." What? How do you feel a light shining into a room?

"[..]it memorized all there was to know about the dreams. They seemed so happy. Yet something was wrong. Some of the dreams were fading." You used dreams twice. You do this several times across several places. Generally, in writing, you should avoid using the same adverb, adjective, verb, and noun twice in a paragraph, but since this is a website for amateur writing, you don't necessarily need to follow that rule, so I won't point out every occasion.

An issue I also notice is that it is bland. No vivid descriptions of the dreamer's surroundings or her feelings at them. "The dreamer was encased in a box of darkness, dimmer than a night that had been abandoned by the gentle caress of the cool light provided by the moon and stars. Suddenly, it noticed a needle of light fighting its way through the all-encompassing shadows." That'd be a better description of the darkness in the beginning of the chapter. You mention a gooey substance. Does it cling to her? Does it slide off? What color is it? Is it like mud or tar?

Another example: when she is walking through the forest, you write: "It was gray, but the memories were full of color." To be fancy, you could've written something like: "It was a dreary gray, not unlike the color of gray storm clouds, but in the memories, the land had been filled with radiance and beauty, with brilliant flashes of red, green, blue, and every other hue of the rainbow." This way of writing is generally more enjoyable, I think.

You also lack description. "She walked down the rough path wanting to investigate it." Why is the path rough? Are jagged stones scattered across it, causing the dreamer to tread carefully to avoid cutting her feet, which I assume are bare since you never mentioned her wearing anything. Are there roots, dead leafs from autumns past, and broken sticks? Signs of life? Nigh unnoticeable pits?

"She had vague memories of men in black robes breaking the door and grabbing her, but it was all a blur, so she couldn’t be sure." Couldn't be sure of what? Either men in black robes grabbed her, or not, it being a blur wouldn't mess with anything. Again: no description of the cabin. It was ransacked how? Were chairs turns over, paintings ripped from walls and broken over knees, plates and bowls broken, papers and books scattered about, windows broken inward, floorboards ripped up?

"The only part that was tight was around the chest. She looked down and noticed that the cloth seemed to be straining some in that area. " Nice job dancing around saying 'She had big breasts.' I don't mean that sarcastically. Showing is better than telling. To convey height, don't write: "He was tall," write: "He had to duck to avoid hitting his head against the top of the door frame." You did good there.

"Name’s Ted and yes, I have a place for you. Several girls went missing a few weeks back, and I’ve been shorthanded ever since." Convenient.

Wouldn't Ted have made Anna dress properly first? She is barefoot and is wearing a dress that is either in tatters or is fit for a queen, I don't know since you didn't describe it. Plus she'd be dirty from the goo from earlier. Either way, I think he'd have made Anna wash up and put on clothes that fit and etc. before making her work.

Grammar issues:

"It pressed the eye against the crack which seemed to be getting larger." A comma should go between 'crack' and 'which'

"Suddenly the eye pushed through" I think there should be a comma between 'suddenly' and 'the'

"[...]It found itself in a strange world still looking at the dreams." There should be a comma between 'world' and 'still'

They began to writhe and lash about destroying anything in the general vicinity." Comma between 'about' and 'destroying'

"Suddenly she had the feeling she needed to leave this place." Comma between 'suddenly' and 'she'

“What can I do for you Miss?" Comma between 'you' and 'miss'

“You’re a natural Anna,” comma between 'natural' and 'Anna'

Overall: your story is simply boring. The lack of description, boring writing, meh pacing, and plot are nothing that attract me. There is no clear plot, no burning questions that make me go to the next chapter, desiring more to satisfy a burning lust to know what happens next. There aren't any real pros to balance it out, either. I can't justify giving you a high score.

One agitated beaver(possibly high).

Ouch, well thanks for the feedback I did ask for It I guess.

 

[TheMonotonePuppet]

So long as the story isn't smut, genderbender, boy's love, girl's love, eechi, or harem, I'll read the first chapter and give some very subjective feedback. I don't count prologues as the first chapter. I'll rate it on a scale of one agitated beaver(possibly high) to ten agitated beavers(possibly high.) I only give short feedback and it will always been done in-threat unless you request otherwise.

edit: unus, not anus, get your mind out of the gutter

Mine please. https://www.scribblehub.com/series/740729/charisma/

Chapter is capitulum. Capitulum is neutral. Ergo, unum and not unus. Aside from that, assigning the masculine feels quite arbitrary here. We would need to explore the gender of feedback.

Ordinalia such as unus, duo, tres count the quantity. Cardinalia such as primus, secundus, tertius meanwhile describe the position. So the use of unus,una, unum is correct.

Latin Expert here!

... side track.

Why the fuck not.

Big jugs make me pp hard.

TMI. Def TMI.

 

[georgelee5786]

Mine please. https://www.scribblehub.com/series/740729/charisma/

I apologize for taking so long....did I also mention this review is subjective?

"The sun beat merrily down on the pavement like a toddler playing with a xylophone." Interesting comparison, and the word ordering is bad. 'The sun beat down merrily' or 'The sun merrily beat down'

"“Excuse me!"" shouldn't it be 'excuse you'?

"Why did you abandon me?” Woah woah, abandon is a stretch.

"Managerial Command on us.” Bold and italicized? A tad overdramatic.

"It just instills a strong sense of obedience and it makes your body resist doing non-work actions, but for someone who has 2 years till they unlock their system, the legal distinction is negligible when you can’t invest in the Willpower stat." Why? Just why? Why the hell would you need to have a system to get some damn willpower? This isn't the kind of thing a system needs to provide. Does it provide intelligence too? Carefulness? Unless willpower works solely against system powers, you've made the system's abilities far too wide.

“Move faster. You’re messing up the proportions. I have never seen such abysmal wrap assembly. I want 10 large salads done in every five minutes. Cut that lettuce faster! Don’t stop until you’re done. Remember, no talking unless talked to.” Why is it partially italicized?

"An old, white curmudgeonly woman" Too straight forward. It is good to avoid outright saying what she is. Instant of just saying 'old' mention her as having gray hair or some other characteristic that will make people think she is old.

"He really did not realize what this corpo. contract entailed." You shouldn't use abbreviations in sentences. It is 1st POV, so I'll let it slide.

There's no way this restaurant isn't breaking laws. There's gotta be at least a law against forcing your employees to work while they are injured. Also how does managerial command know they requested their lunch break? Does it tell Karen and she releases it? Does it do it by hearing the words? Can you say it whenever and get away with it or does it know when you've used your break? Also why would anyone work their for more than a day? Fuck money, I like having uncut hands. Also, doesnt having blood in your food make its cleanliness subpar? Wouldn't a health inspector(if those exist) notice?

"I pull out a heap of medical supplies till I find the gauze and expertly wrap my hands up." Why does she carry a bunch of medical supplies with her? Because of the job?

""You should have gone slower!” Karen shouts, spittle flying onto my face." I'm with Karen here ngl. Also you choice of name has all the subtly of a bright red bulldozer driving through your kitchen

"You may now offer your applause." Slow, sardonic clapping

Grammar issues:

'I check my watch “8:50!"' Comma between 'watch' and "

"“8:50! I am ten minutes before my shift starts.”" 'I am here ten minutes[...]' is more grammatically correct, I believe

"and with the dead look of a long-suffering individual, " I think, think, there should be a comma before 'and' or before 'with'

"Her glare softens “Ugh, you’re too cute to stay mad at."" Comma between 'softens' and "

"[...] says “I have been stuck talking with Karen for the past hour because you weren’t here when I finished my preparation of the store."" Comma between 'says' and "

"I run my work card through the system and got started on the daily grind" 'Get started'

"An old, white curmudgeonly woman" Comma between 'white' and 'curmudgeonly'

"Luckily it isn’t bleeding too profusely" Comma after 'luckily'

"whisper “Time. For. Lunch. Break!”" Comma between 'whisper' and "

"“Hiya Boss!”" Comma between Hiya and...you can guess

""I’ll make sure to remedy my mistakes”" comma between 'mistake' and "

Overall: despite all the errors and such I pointed out, I liked the story. It was amusing, but there's no clear plot. The only vague question posed is what...the MC's(no name, I see that as an issue) punishment is. Hardly pressing me to the edge of my seat. Also, Elisa, despite being the MC's best friend, makes all of one appearance and has two lines(maybe three). A little more camaraderie between the two would've been nice. There's a lack of description about the restaurant and stuff, but, that aside, decently amusing story. Six agitated beavers(possibly high).

 

[TheMonotonePuppet]

I apologize for taking so long....did I also mention this review is subjective?

"The sun beat merrily down on the pavement like a toddler playing with a xylophone." Interesting comparison, and the word ordering is bad. 'The sun beat down merrily' or 'The sun merrily beat down'

"“Excuse me!"" shouldn't it be 'excuse you'?

"Why did you abandon me?” Woah woah, abandon is a stretch.

"Managerial Command on us.” Bold and italicized? A tad overdramatic.

"It just instills a strong sense of obedience and it makes your body resist doing non-work actions, but for someone who has 2 years till they unlock their system, the legal distinction is negligible when you can’t invest in the Willpower stat." Why? Just why? Why the hell would you need to have a system to get some damn willpower? This isn't the kind of thing a system needs to provide. Does it provide intelligence too? Carefulness? Unless willpower works solely against system powers, you've made the system's abilities far too wide.

“Move faster. You’re messing up the proportions. I have never seen such abysmal wrap assembly. I want 10 large salads done in every five minutes. Cut that lettuce faster! Don’t stop until you’re done. Remember, no talking unless talked to.” Why is it partially italicized?

"An old, white curmudgeonly woman" Too straight forward. It is good to avoid outright saying what she is. Instant of just saying 'old' mention her as having gray hair or some other characteristic that will make people think she is old.

"He really did not realize what this corpo. contract entailed." You shouldn't use abbreviations in sentences. It is 1st POV, so I'll let it slide.

There's no way this restaurant isn't breaking laws. There's gotta be at least a law against forcing your employees to work while they are injured. Also how does managerial command know they requested their lunch break? Does it tell Karen and she releases it? Does it do it by hearing the words? Can you say it whenever and get away with it or does it know when you've used your break? Also why would anyone work their for more than a day? Fuck money, I like having uncut hands. Also, doesnt having blood in your food make its cleanliness subpar? Wouldn't a health inspector(if those exist) notice?

"I pull out a heap of medical supplies till I find the gauze and expertly wrap my hands up." Why does she carry a bunch of medical supplies with her? Because of the job?

""You should have gone slower!” Karen shouts, spittle flying onto my face." I'm with Karen here ngl. Also you choice of name has all the subtly of a bright red bulldozer driving through your kitchen

"You may now offer your applause." Slow, sardonic clapping

Grammar issues:

'I check my watch “8:50!"' Comma between 'watch' and "

"“8:50! I am ten minutes before my shift starts.”" 'I am here ten minutes[...]' is more grammatically correct, I believe

"and with the dead look of a long-suffering individual, " I think, think, there should be a comma before 'and' or before 'with'

"Her glare softens “Ugh, you’re too cute to stay mad at."" Comma between 'softens' and "

"[...] says “I have been stuck talking with Karen for the past hour because you weren’t here when I finished my preparation of the store."" Comma between 'says' and "

"I run my work card through the system and got started on the daily grind" 'Get started'

"An old, white curmudgeonly woman" Comma between 'white' and 'curmudgeonly'

"Luckily it isn’t bleeding too profusely" Comma after 'luckily'

"whisper “Time. For. Lunch. Break!”" Comma between 'whisper' and "

"“Hiya Boss!”" Comma between Hiya and...you can guess

""I’ll make sure to remedy my mistakes”" comma between 'mistake' and "

Overall: despite all the errors and such I pointed out, I liked the story. It was amusing, but there's no clear plot. The only vague question posed is what...the MC's(no name, I see that as an issue) punishment is. Hardly pressing me to the edge of my seat. Also, Elisa, despite being the MC's best friend, makes all of one appearance and has two lines(maybe three). A little more camaraderie between the two would've been nice. There's a lack of description about the restaurant and stuff, but, that aside, decently amusing story. Six agitated beavers(possibly high).

Appreciate the grammar mentions!
Feel free to ignore the following sentences because most of it is me responding, but it's not like you could have done anything with the one chapter limit and you were sayin' it as you see it (which is good!).
Plot comes in second chapter and Elisa gets plenty more characterization when they leave the restaurant. The chapters need to be separate. People just didn't like them together and neither did I. Besides, the first chapter is meant to mislead you. Mwahahahahaha...
So I totally understand that it doesn't really come off well. And I also totally understand that you may not enjoy it anyway, even knowing now that it has major plot impact. If I'm sounding like I'm criticising your subjective review, I promise I'm not meaning to!!!
As for what seem to be gaping inconsistencies, that stuff gets revealed later. I can't reveal an entire dystopian world in the format I chose. You win some, you lose some.
The comparison for the sun is purposeful, as the MC worships the Stars, and sees them as magnificent, entertainment-obsessed entities, though they are rather child-like in their one-mindedness. Though they are the opposite of simple creatures (but you don't need the whole theology).
It's partially italicized because Karen used her Managerial Command. Also, I do agree that bolding and italicizing something as simple as a skill is a bit much. Oops!
Anyway! Appreciate the review! Fun seeing the perspective solely through the first chapter!

 

[Seaspecter]

Subject+ive re+viewww-ww(Help me I'm bored)

"It felt like being poked or maybe a light shining into a dark room." What? How do you feel a light shining into a room?

"[..]it memorized all there was to know about the dreams. They seemed so happy. Yet something was wrong. Some of the dreams were fading." You used dreams twice. You do this several times across several places. Generally, in writing, you should avoid using the same adverb, adjective, verb, and noun twice in a paragraph, but since this is a website for amateur writing, you don't necessarily need to follow that rule, so I won't point out every occasion.

An issue I also notice is that it is bland. No vivid descriptions of the dreamer's surroundings or her feelings at them. "The dreamer was encased in a box of darkness, dimmer than a night that had been abandoned by the gentle caress of the cool light provided by the moon and stars. Suddenly, it noticed a needle of light fighting its way through the all-encompassing shadows." That'd be a better description of the darkness in the beginning of the chapter. You mention a gooey substance. Does it cling to her? Does it slide off? What color is it? Is it like mud or tar?

Another example: when she is walking through the forest, you write: "It was gray, but the memories were full of color." To be fancy, you could've written something like: "It was a dreary gray, not unlike the color of gray storm clouds, but in the memories, the land had been filled with radiance and beauty, with brilliant flashes of red, green, blue, and every other hue of the rainbow." This way of writing is generally more enjoyable, I think.

You also lack description. "She walked down the rough path wanting to investigate it." Why is the path rough? Are jagged stones scattered across it, causing the dreamer to tread carefully to avoid cutting her feet, which I assume are bare since you never mentioned her wearing anything. Are there roots, dead leafs from autumns past, and broken sticks? Signs of life? Nigh unnoticeable pits?

"She had vague memories of men in black robes breaking the door and grabbing her, but it was all a blur, so she couldn’t be sure." Couldn't be sure of what? Either men in black robes grabbed her, or not, it being a blur wouldn't mess with anything. Again: no description of the cabin. It was ransacked how? Were chairs turns over, paintings ripped from walls and broken over knees, plates and bowls broken, papers and books scattered about, windows broken inward, floorboards ripped up?

"The only part that was tight was around the chest. She looked down and noticed that the cloth seemed to be straining some in that area. " Nice job dancing around saying 'She had big breasts.' I don't mean that sarcastically. Showing is better than telling. To convey height, don't write: "He was tall," write: "He had to duck to avoid hitting his head against the top of the door frame." You did good there.

"Name’s Ted and yes, I have a place for you. Several girls went missing a few weeks back, and I’ve been shorthanded ever since." Convenient.

Wouldn't Ted have made Anna dress properly first? She is barefoot and is wearing a dress that is either in tatters or is fit for a queen, I don't know since you didn't describe it. Plus she'd be dirty from the goo from earlier. Either way, I think he'd have made Anna wash up and put on clothes that fit and etc. before making her work.

Grammar issues:

"It pressed the eye against the crack which seemed to be getting larger." A comma should go between 'crack' and 'which'

"Suddenly the eye pushed through" I think there should be a comma between 'suddenly' and 'the'

"[...]It found itself in a strange world still looking at the dreams." There should be a comma between 'world' and 'still'

They began to writhe and lash about destroying anything in the general vicinity." Comma between 'about' and 'destroying'

"Suddenly she had the feeling she needed to leave this place." Comma between 'suddenly' and 'she'

“What can I do for you Miss?" Comma between 'you' and 'miss'

“You’re a natural Anna,” comma between 'natural' and 'Anna'

Overall: your story is simply boring. The lack of description, boring writing, meh pacing, and plot are nothing that attract me. There is no clear plot, no burning questions that make me go to the next chapter, desiring more to satisfy a burning lust to know what happens next. There aren't any real pros to balance it out, either. I can't justify giving you a high score.

One agitated beaver(possibly high).

I admit that you're review irritated me at first but now that I've had a few days to think about it I believe I can come up with a better response than ouch.

First off thank you for the critique and for finding more grammar issues, I've been chasing those down for a year now. I'll start with the dreamer's scene. At the time I didn't describe its surroundings because it exists in its own realm that contains nothing at all just the dreamer floating around dreaming honestly I wasn't sure how to word that. Now that I think about it I should have said something along the lines of "For the first time in eternity the dreamer woke up, it looked around to find something new in the unending void that it called home." From there go on to describe the crack.

Now on to Anna, you pointed out the lack of details in her environment. That was intentional I had originally thought about writing this story in the first person but decided to use an over the shoulder third person instead. Because of that we see the world from her perspective so brand-new elder god walking thought the forest knows that she has to climb over roots and such but for reasons described in later chapters the sharp stones, thorns, and such don't have any effect on her so from her point of view it's just rough. Same way with the cabin she knows its not supposed to look like that but other than some flashes from the memories she's not sure what it's suppose to look like.

The good dreams at the beginning were the missing girls and the nightmares were cultist that sacrificed them to open a portal. The only reason she exists is because of those missing girls so I don't know if I'd call it covenant that Ted mentions he needs help because the girls are gone. As far as why he didn't get her cleaned up and dressed properly well he didn't really care. She's cute willing to work and the customers are drunken sailors and dock workers so her being a bit dingy isn't all that important to them.

As far as there being no plot or burning questions well yeah it's just a slice of life story about the life and adventures of Anna the elder god. Some of the story arcs are fill of wild places and monster and others are her walking around cities and stuffing her face with treats.

So to sum this rambling up you're right I need to go back and fiddle with this chapter I wasn't good enough at writing to pull off what I had intended at the time but I think I've gotten better at it in the last year. Also I released the first 7 chapters at once so one was never a standalone so to speak anyway thanks for looking at it I'll keep your suggestions in mind if I ever get around to doing a rewrite.