Very bad free feedback thread.

[AstraMagically]

Can you do mine please?


Thank you in advance

 

[TheKillingAlice]

I read the first 10 chapters of your work.
This is probably my favorite in this thread so far.
The premise and characters are all pretty good, the pacing is also very nice.

About your writing. Now, I don't have any major problem with it, except for one thing.
The whole part about the organization back on the protagonist's world and things related to that is confusing. Maybe because there were too much terms, but I honestly didn't care very much about those. I'm fine with it, but I don't know about the others.

Now that is out of the way, let's talk about another problem - The synopsis.
Despite her power and prestige, Rowena Dynari van Varnhagen might have had a few minor... personality quirks.
She used those quirks against the female lead of "The Saintess' Unbreakable Shield", which ended her story shortly after the novel began and she was killed by sudden pneumonia to get her off the script - unfortunately that doesn't mean the end of Celia's story. After an unexpected heart attack, she woke up in Rowena's body with an impending marriage to a distant tyrant looming over her new head and all sorts of other minor inconveniences.
This part was certainly confusing for me, mainly because you suddenly threw the name Celia in, which was odd.
And then there's the next part.
Celia, who had been a puppet playing to the tune of the government, fighting creatures called "Visitors" who had been invading earth for centuries, together with Pan, her partner in crime and a Visitor of Special Grade himself.
Looking at those two parts together, I think you should've introduced who is Celia first before going into the transmigration part.
Of course she didn't believe her soul could travel into the world of a book, but good thing she didn't find herself to be alone there.
This part is just unnecessary.

Overall though, I really liked it. Keep up the good work.

Hellooooo
Thank you so much for your input
Ah, the things about VAULT were somewhat important, as it was a scummy government organization that did a number on her for the most part. The scummiest is something you learn soon in the newer chapters. Of course, since it was her whole life, she references a lot. I don't know if that's a problem for many, but I didn't really have a way to go around it.
Still, a bit sad that to hear that it's inconvenient while reading >-<"

And the synopsis... I don't know. For real, I put up a post in the feedback thread before, just because I needed help with that problem. I'm aware that it's bad, but I'm really shit at writing a synopsis

But yeah, thank you for your time! It still gave me a bit of hope for the story.

 

[Allemite]

Looking forward to the free lesson.

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/897062/everything-is-connected/

 

[Kalliel]

Hellooooo
Thank you so much for your input
Ah, the things about VAULT were somewhat important, as it was a scummy government organization that did a number on her for the most part. The scummiest is something you learn soon in the newer chapters. Of course, since it was her whole life, she references a lot. I don't know if that's a problem for many, but I didn't really have a way to go around it.
Still, a bit sad that to hear that it's inconvenient while reading >-<"

And the synopsis... I don't know. For real, I put up a post in the feedback thread before, just because I needed help with that problem. I'm aware that it's bad, but I'm really shit at writing a synopsis

But yeah, thank you for your time! It still gave me a bit of hope for the story.

Hey, no. The story is very good. Just keep on writing.
About the synopsis, I suggest that you keep it brief but informative enough for the readers.
Here is an example of what I might write for the synopsis, it's very bad, but it is what it is.

Celia was a puppet of the government. She fought against creatures called ''Visitors'', who had been invading Earth for the last centuries. Ironically, her partner - Pan, was also a Visitor, and of a Special Grade at that.

After dying unexpectedly due to pneumonia one day, she woke up and found herself as a minor villainess in a novel she had read - Rowena Dynari van Varnhagen. Said villainess, using her ''personality quirks'', offended the female lead and was promptly killed off right at the start of the story.

Now, with her partner in crime - Pan, she aims to fight for a future worth having, determined to not let anyone trample on, and use her again.

 

[Dredd_Sama]

So, I'm bored.
And I think I need to actually read something sometimes to take a break from my writing.
That means, If you're brave enough to post stories here, I will try to read the first chapters of your work (Usually 5 maximum), and give you very janky reviews.
Keep in mind, I am both a bad writer and a bad reader, so be prepared.

Beyond the Rift
Please give feedback here.
This is my first time writing something like this ... but i am proud of what i have in mind for the future of this story .. hope it reaches that point

 

[TheKillingAlice]

Hey, no. The story is very good. Just keep on writing.
About the synopsis, I suggest that you keep it brief but informative enough for the readers.
Here is an example of what I might write for the synopsis, it's very bad, but it is what it is.

Celia was a puppet of the government. She fought against creatures called ''Visitors'', who had been invading Earth for the last centuries. Ironically, her partner - Pan, was also a Visitor, and of a Special Grade at that.

After dying unexpectedly due to pneumonia one day, she woke up and found herself as a minor villainess in a novel she had read - Rowena Dynari van Varnhagen. Said villainess, using her ''personality quirks'', offended the female lead and was promptly killed off right at the start of the story.

Now, with her partner in crime - Pan, she aims to fight for a future worth having, determined to not let anyone trample on, and use her again.

Okay, thank you >-<"
And thank youuuuuu
I did take most of what you cut together. Still added or changed things up, so it's a bit more than what you wrote, but different from before. I don't know I hope it's better than before.
I'm really not good at things like this...

 

[OyoJan]

If you have time, please give my story a read! Thanks!

Divinians | Scribble Hub

 

[Asthael]

I've been working on this in a bubble. Curious to see what it looks like from the outside:

The Legend of Geoff: Planning for Retirement as a Supervillain

Ellie would not fail. Geoff would not try. High-achieving Ellie Gardner meets intentional slacker, Geoff Cobalt, throwing their previously steady life trajectories into chaos. Ellie is an adopted daughter of a midwestern crime family in dire straits, sent to Orange County, CA not only to get a...

www.scribblehub.com

Thanks for any comments!

 

[Kalliel]

If you can review the prologue of my book that would be much appreciated: Prologue

Alright, I read the prologue as you have requested.
There is only one thing I would say about it: Redundant.
Usually, I would read prologues to see if there's anything interesting that could hook me in if the title or synopsis didn't already do that. I didn't really care about the girl's ability, nor did I care about all that explanations regarding the lab people, or other stuff. I want something interesting.
So yeah, It felt more like a normal chapter rather than a prologue.
I would not be reading all of that even if I were interested in your story's genres.

Hello! Please roast me until I quit writing. Thank you sooo much!

Hushed Paradise

Out of the blue, Yumi decided to break the tranquility and asked, 'Gani...do you think both of us will change?' 'What do you mean?' 'Do you think we will stay this close forever?' Gani glanced at the heavy-in-thought girl, 'Yumi, change is constant. We all change......

www.scribblehub.com

I read the first three chapters.
It was good.
No complain about the writing, it's good enough for me. The occasional 'a!' was kinda weird though, made me feel like I was reading Chinese novels, which are usually not like yours, so it felt unfamiliar, to say the least.
And the dialogues in the synopsis were unnecessary, in my opinion.
Other than those, it's pretty interesting.
Keep up the good work!

 

[wannabewriter]

Fairly new here but would appreciate any feedback

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/843676/customer-service-magic/

 

[breakofdawnstories]

Alright, I read the prologue as you have requested.
There is only one thing I would say about it: Redundant.
Usually, I would read prologues to see if there's anything interesting that could hook me in if the title or synopsis didn't already do that. I didn't really care about the girl's ability, nor did I care about all that explanations regarding the lab people, or other stuff. I want something interesting.
So yeah, It felt more like a normal chapter rather than a prologue.
I would not be reading all of that even if I were interested in your story's genres.

I read the first three chapters.
It was good.
No complain about the writing, it's good enough for me. The occasional 'a!' was kinda weird though, made me feel like I was reading Chinese novels, which are usually not like yours, so it felt unfamiliar, to say the least.
And the dialogues in the synopsis were unnecessary, in my opinion.
Other than those, it's pretty interesting.
Keep up the good work!

Thank you for your inputs :) It means so much for me. Regarding the "a" hahahah. It's actually a Filipino endings. I'm having seconds thought if I should just omit it or not but reading your review I think I'm leaning towards removing it :) Thank you again!

 

[D.S.Nate]

Alright, I read the prologue as you have requested.
There is only one thing I would say about it: Redundant.
Usually, I would read prologues to see if there's anything interesting that could hook me in if the title or synopsis didn't already do that. I didn't really care about the girl's ability, nor did I care about all that explanations regarding the lab people, or other stuff. I want something interesting.
So yeah, It felt more like a normal chapter rather than a prologue.
I would not be reading all of that even if I were interested in your story's genres.

Thanks for the review.

I'm guessing that you mean was that it was too long to read and so you lost interest? Because though it dose have a follow girl and her powers and how she's connected to events It's not the core take away I was aiming for in chapter.

 

[Assurbanipal_II]

So, I'm bored.
And I think I need to actually read something sometimes to take a break from my writing.
That means, If you're brave enough to post stories here, I will try to read the first chapters of your work (Usually 5 maximum), and give you very janky reviews.
Keep in mind, I am both a bad writer and a bad reader, so be prepared.

Free reader ... Sounds tempting.

I thee summon with cookies!

*click on links below*

 

[Kalliel]

Thanks for the review.

I'm guessing that you mean was that it was too long to read and so you lost interest? Because though it dose have a follow girl and her powers and how she's connected to events It's not the core take away I was aiming for in chapter.

That is right.
If the main takeaway was something else, then I would rather not read about the girl and her power unless it was relevant, because you could always explain it in detail later.
Just my preference though.

 

[Kalliel]

Can you do mine please?


Thank you in advance

I read the first three chapters.
It was good.
Interesting concept, I didn't notice anything weird about the writing, so that's two pluses.
And you captured the discord experience pretty accurately as well, another plus from me.
So yeah, keep up the good work!

 

[Kalliel]

Looking forward to the free lesson.

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/897062/everything-is-connected/

I read the first two chapters.
Now, I have a few things to say about your novel.
First, the title. It's a nothing burger, to be honest. Doesn't tell me anything about the story at all, not a fan of it.
Second, you seriously need to use dividers. Between small timeskips I think you don't absolutely need to use them, but you should definitely use them between changes in scenes, where the characters you're following change.
Third, you seem to struggle with dialogues, they sounded pretty robotic and lifeless for me.
Fourth, there wasn't a single direct thought or dialogue in chapter two. It was like reading a report, or a monologue of the narrator.

Conclusion? The premise was mildly interesting, but the execution was not the best. I felt very distant toward the main character.

Maybe more direct thoughts would help. And you need to work more on dialogues.

 

[Allemite]

I read the first two chapters.
Now, I have a few things to say about your novel.
First, the title. It's a nothing burger, to be honest. Doesn't tell me anything about the story at all, not a fan of it.
Second, you seriously need to use dividers. Between small timeskips I think you don't absolutely need to use them, but you should definitely use them between changes in scenes, where the characters you're following change.
Third, you seem to struggle with dialogues, they sounded pretty robotic and lifeless for me.
Fourth, there wasn't a single direct thought or dialogue in chapter two. It was like reading a report, or a monologue of the narrator.

Conclusion? The premise was mildly interesting, but the execution was not the best. I felt very distant toward the main character.

Maybe more direct thoughts would help. And you need to work more on dialogues.

Thank you for the feedback.

The title was something that was supposed to make sense later on, but I guess it doesn't offer much at the moment. Though I feel fine with it the way it is, so I'm gonna have to decline your correction.

As for the dividers, I will follow your advice.

As for the dialogue, the first three chapters weren't supposed to have much of it. Although I admit that the second one was more like a report than a narrative, I also needed to explain his ability in terms of an objective summary, since he doesn't have a system or a pocket grandpa to explain things for him.

Also, even if the dialogue seemed lifeless to you, I don't really think that way in my perspective. Dialogue doesn't have to be upbeat and people don't have to be chatty all the time. The only 'proper' dialogue in the first two chapters was between two middle-aged men in the latter part of the first chapter, so you couldn't really expect them to be that lively.
Maybe you could try reading at least until the fourth chapter. It's the first instance that the MC has a proper interaction with others, although I'm not counting on it, as you already have a bad impression of the story.

As for the thoughts, hehehe, the narrative is FULL of them, albeit written in the 3rd person, so it might not seem obvious to people who are used to 1st person narratives, which I think you are, based on the other forum post where I read your comment.

Anyway, thank you for taking the time to read it. This is the first time someone has ever reviewed my story, and it's a great learning experience.

 

[Kalliel]

Thank you for the feedback.

The title was something that was supposed to make sense later on, but I guess it doesn't offer much at the moment. Though I feel fine with it the way it is, so I'm gonna have to decline your correction.

As for the dividers, I will follow your advice.

As for the dialogue, the first three chapters weren't supposed to have much of it. Although I admit that the second one was more like a report than a narrative, I also needed to explain his ability in terms of an objective summary, since he doesn't have a system or a pocket grandpa to explain things for him.

Also, even if the dialogue seemed lifeless to you, I don't really think that way in my perspective. Dialogue doesn't have to be upbeat and people don't have to be chatty all the time. The only 'proper' dialogue in the first two chapters was between two middle-aged men in the latter part of the first chapter, so you couldn't really expect them to be that lively.
Maybe you could try reading at least until the fourth chapter. It's the first instance that the MC has a proper interaction with others, although I'm not counting on it, as you already have a bad impression of the story.

As for the thoughts, hehehe, the narrative is FULL of them, albeit written in the 3rd person, so it might not seem obvious to people who are used to 1st person narratives, which I think you are, based on the other forum post where I read your comment.

Anyway, thank you for taking the time to read it. This is the first time someone has ever reviewed my story, and it's a great learning experience.

No, I forgot to mention, but I didn't consider it 'bad'.
About the title, it's fine if you don't want to change it, the readers can still rely on tags and the synopsis to get an idea of what your novel is about.
And the dialogues, if you consider them alright, then I won't say anything more.
But about the thoughts though. I know that the narrative did have the protagonist's thoughts, full of them, in fact, but they were all told through the narrator, which might seem distant, as I said. I have read stories in 3rd PoV before, and a lot of them did have 'direct thoughts', just a few lines in Italic to tell the readers exactly the thought of the character, that's what I want.
But as you said, I am a 1st PoV person, so I'm naturally very biased.
Glad I could help you on the dividers though.

 

[Kalliel]

Beyond the Rift
Please give feedback here.
This is my first time writing something like this ... but i am proud of what i have in mind for the future of this story .. hope it reaches that point

I read the first three chapters.
It was pretty decent.
Aside from some occasional, very minor formatting issues, it read generally well.
I also understood the concept you were trying to make and the atmosphere you were trying to build in the first three chapters, which is definitely a plus. No one wants to read two or three chapters of nothing.

Well, keep up the good work!
And I hate Beth to death.

If you have time, please give my story a read! Thanks!

Divinians | Scribble Hub

Ur story is dead. Rest in pieces.

I've been working on this in a bubble. Curious to see what it looks like from the outside:

The Legend of Geoff: Planning for Retirement as a Supervillain

Ellie would not fail. Geoff would not try. High-achieving Ellie Gardner meets intentional slacker, Geoff Cobalt, throwing their previously steady life trajectories into chaos. Ellie is an adopted daughter of a midwestern crime family in dire straits, sent to Orange County, CA not only to get a...

www.scribblehub.com

Thanks for any comments!

I read the prologue and the first two chapters.
First thing first, very interesting prologue.
Grammar and prose, I didn't notice anything strange.
The concept... I don't have any comment.

Now, onto the complaints.
Personally, I would have liked you to show more, not just tell the reader what the information is, especially in chapter two. It got kind of grating for me after a while, you know.
And, whatever the hell this is:

A low, borderline artificial sounding voice boomed, “This is Ombra.”

Skipping 150 words of expositions here.

Ellie gave herself an inhale and an exhale to collect her nerves and forced a smile. “Oh? Elizabeth Gardner. I’m a fan. Got any tips? Or a job opening?” Did she just give her name to the world’s only supervillain? Was she too flippant? Too late. She got her answer.

“You want to work? Very well. You will be privileged with an apprenticeship, guidance, and resources. In exchange, you will ensure Geoff passes all of his classes and graduates college in a timely manner. Without cheating.”

Needless to say, I was confused. Why did she suddenly introduce her name? And why did gramps suddenly decide to give her the work?
I mean, I know the general direction that you wanted to follow, with gramps probably knew everything about Ellie, and Ellie was just panicking, but it reads confusing, for me. Maybe you could modify the dialogues there a bit.



So overall, I think the story is fine.

 

[WhiteArgent]

Suggestions are accepted.

Fractured Realities

In a future society where androids age alongside humans, Ophelia, an advanced and emotionally sentient android, discovers a devastating secret: her adoptive parents plan to sell her at an android auction house to settle her father's crippling gambling debts. As Ophelia grapples with the...

www.scribblehub.com