Free First Impressions Feedback Thread

[AdOtherwise]

Due to unpopular demand and the desire to find more ideas, I have decided to open this thread to lack of fanfare.

What I think my credentials are:

1. Have made big newbie author mistakes myself in my first novel, especially how it started.​

2. Actively planned and engineered a new novel to fix said mistakes.​

3. In 14 days after launching my new novel, on 14/04/2023 0000 UTC I hit Royal Road RIsing Stars #1. (I'm #2 as of 21/4, fuck)​

To achieve this, I spent a lot of time and research on what each website likes and so on and what the gaps are in the market.

I would like to think that I did not stumble upon luck, but rather explicitly designed the novel in such a different writing style. This, in my head, makes me qualified to see if your first chapter/impressions would do well and sell.

Readers on ScribbleHub are different from RoyalRoad, but they all have the same base common desires.

But enough about me bragging.

What I'll do for you:

1. Review your title​

2. Review your blurb​

3. Review your cover​

4. Review your first chapter and only your first chapter. ​

​

Unlike other feedback threads, my objective is not to have you writing perfect english, tenses, what not.

My objective for the review is to tell you if your novel can sell - e.g make money. However I can't tell you if you make a full-time job earning - it depends on how you carry the story as you go.

I will not vet grammar unless it is completely unlegible, I will not vet things like writing style unless it affects your selling.

My motto for writing is : write for the lowest common denominator.

Give me a link to your novel - and I'll give feedback only once in this thread. Any additional feedback requests is to be sent via private conversation.

No link = no review of novel.

Any genre goes.

Lowly Ascent

Within a desolate realm, where discarded worlds were stitched together, a rupture tore open, releasing a small child into this fragmented expanse. Above him, the sky revealed three eerie moons, while an ominous black mass loomed ominously in their wake. Disoriented and engulfed by a putrid...

www.scribblehub.com

Have at me

 

[M.G.Driver]

Hellosu!

Are you still giving feedbacks?
If so, I would like you to take a look at my story.

Infinity Seed | Scribble Hub

Thanks for reading

Title: 7/10

The title is intriguing enough that I am immediately hooked into finding out more. It reads like a manga title of sorts, so it's a good hook. I only gave it a lower star because of how it doesn't match the cover nor the synopsis.

Cover: 3/10

I like stained glass paintings/designs, but it really doesn't work here in my honest opinion. If you want to write to market you have to match market desires, and stained glass book covers ain't it.

Blurb/Synopsis: 2/10

This has got to be the most confusing synopsis I've seen in a long time. I'm quite impressed. I'm not entirely sure if I am being spoiled or not, and it shows that the story's elements are extremely mismatched. I hope this is a comedy, because I don't see the comedy tag placed anywhere at all.

First Chapter: 9/10

I'll give you close to full marks, because this chapter is the second best fever dream I've ever read, if not incoherent. The character is all over the place, and I'm very intrigued as to what the hell is going on. Unfortunately I don't have enough energy to read the second chapter at all.

Swallowing a fairy to eat it because u wanted to taste it is indeed very childlike, but the way it is written just makes it quite gross. If that's the intended reaction you wanted to elicit from the readers, you have succeeded.

Overall, title ok, cover meh, blurb what, first chapter deranged.

Feedback on first chapter?

Disfigured

Is abnormality Sickness? or is it a normal that is rejected by the mass majority? A healthy plant will always have smooth leaves since young, and an ugly plant will always have spots even in its seeds. If a black cat has crossed your path, the path is bound to...

www.scribblehub.com

Your attention would be appreciated!
the cover picture is this... might change later..
View attachment 20720

Title: 5/10

A bit too vague, can't really get a grasp of what the story is about.

Cover: 5/10

I still don't know what the story is about, so the cover doesn't really help much either. The child is too small in the thumbnail to see, so maybe a zoom in will help.

Blurb: 8/10

I like the idea behind the story, seems very experimental. These questions are a good curiousity hook for readers in general, but there's too many. I don't particularly think short stories collection do very well in webfiction/webnovel format, but that's just me.

First Chapter: 5/10

Honestly, a bit meh. I prefer imagery that is embedded rather than outspoken. The 'moral' is a bit too on the nose for this.

I'm not sure what else to say, really. The first chapter is extremely short, so no I don't think you're going to get any money out of this. The writing style seems workable if you actually decided to do a longform, but until then i'm gonna go with no, this is not marketable.

Overall, title meh, cover meh, blurb okay, first chapter meh

 

[M.G.Driver]

Please review mine too

The Sacrifice | Scribble Hub

Thank you

Title: 7/10

Intriguing, gives epic fantasy vibes. Can't say that it is the main hallmark of stories on SH, but looks alright.

Cover: 5/10

I like it personally, and it would make for a very good traditionally published book. Unfortunately, you're in a webfiction world, so the cover is pretty meh here. Might work on RoyalRoad, but generally mediocre.

Blurb: 1/10

Okay, there's a lot of worldbuilding being thrown out here. I don't know if this is your only penname or your first story, but it really screams amateur due to the amount of names, titles, and locations being thrown around. You have quite a few here.

1. Chief
2. Minyama
3. Martial World
4. Ben
5. Anopa
6. Talia
7. Nora
8. Dante
9. Unforgotten.

You basically have more than the power rangers cast in your blurb alone, I am now truly afraid to read your first chapter.

Narrow down what is important to your story, focus on this concept moving forward: if you only could say one phrase to your friends family and loved ones about what your book is about, what is that phrase?

Play around that.

First Chapter: 7/10

As a fellow evil MC writer, I can kind of see the angle that you're trying to introduce. But you're not playing into the mystery enough, instead weakening the impact of the reveal through his thoughts etc. It would be better the pov was limted to that of the grave robbers.

Interestingly, you had nearly zero names in this chapter, unlike your synopsis. Very strange, I hope this isn't a prologue.

Oh damn it, it is a prologue. Well you've just cratered your marketing by about 60%. Webfiction readers generally hate prologues, so that's a big minus

Overall, title ok, cover meh, blurb bad, first chapter okay-ish.

A Merc’s Guide to Mercing

Ah, being a Mercenary, it's like being a soldier except more fun, and you don't have to care about silly things like 'not blowing up a children's hospital' Follow a team of ten totally unprofessional soldiers of fortune as people throw money at them to solve tasks that range from...

www.scribblehub.com

Do as you please, big fella.

Title: 9/10

Very good title, Big hook. This title styles usually work very well on webnovel websites.

Cover: 3/10

Too amateur. Get some A.I Art done. If not get a tenner from fiver or smth.

Blurb: 8/10

Short blurb, good and succinct. Doesn't really have a hook persay, but it is marked as comedy, so it is what it is.

First Chapter: 1/10

Wow, this is extremely all over the place, it's insane. I think this is a good exhibit of having too many characters in a single scene. It would work in a video format, but in a novel format it's obviously not working well at all.

The dialogue is pretty natural, and i can tell there's a bit of character work done, but to a first time reader, this is really chaotic and all over the place. I can't seem to really tell where the viewpoint is shifting, and the scene changes pretty quickly as well with just a simple 'go here, go there'.

Suggestion would be to hyperfocus on a third-person limited POV of just one of the mercs doing a solo mission, it would make it easier for the viewers to latch on.

Overall, title great, cover bad, blurb great, first chapter terrible.

 

[breakofdawnstories]

hello :) https://www.scribblehub.com/series/899943/hushed-paradise/

 

[KDBooks97]

Hello! I'm sure you're probably swamped with requests, but if you happen to have the time, I'll throw my hat in the ring. Warning: Has self-harm, suicidal thoughts, etc. It can be very heavy at points, but is not explicit with gore or sexuality.

Also, you might be very confused if you try to read the first chapter without the prologue, so I'd prefer if you read the prologue rather then trying to go straight into the first chapter. You're welcome to read them both, mind you, but I understand these kind of forums are very busy so if you have to pick one or the other, the prologue is your best bet.

Thank you so much for your help. I eventually want to publish the second or third draft, so having a published author look over my work makes me really happy! It's a bit like a celebrity reading my little book. :P

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/862159/the-miserably-macabre-tales-of-luna-samuels/

 

[M.G.Driver]

Please review my book MARS. I want to publish one day and getting your feedback would mean a lot!

Title: 4/10

A bit too vague, I think if u seriously want this published the title has to scream out fast.

Cover: 7/10

That's a nice cover overall, but i think more could be done to make it look a lot more professional. I'm not an expert myself, but worth looking up a few of the erotica stories on the zon and see what works and what doesn't.

Blurb: 7/10

Nice blurb, it's a bit long, but good enough for readers of this genre. I am not particularly well-versed in smut, but that should be a pretty good hook.

First Chapter: 8/10

I'm going to skip the introduction part called Interlude, and head straight into the first chapter.

You got a lot of good things going here, nice realistic relationships and character development. Dialogue is really good flow, the action is weaved in nicely. Problem is that there's too many characters in the first chapter, and i think opening scenes always work best when they focus on just one character, with maybe two or more being side.

Otherwise, i think this book overall should do pretty well on KU. Get a line editor and push it up.

I can't comment on the sex part, i'm not really into erotica, but it definitely does help make the story a lot more realistic and intimate, so that's a good thing you got in this.

Overall, Title meh, cover ok, blurb ok, first chapter better than most.

Here's my novel, please give it a shot:

Universal Insanity

(WARNING: This novel contains graphic language, highly disturbing subjects, sexual content, and detailed gore. Reader discretion is highly advised.) After escaping a highly advanced alien research facility, Lucius mysteriously found himself alone, stranded on a ruined version of Earth, filled...

www.scribblehub.com

I also posted this novel on Webnovel, but on that site I separated the prologue and the first chapter. On SH, I merged them together into the first chapter. You can tell me if either separating or merging them was a good idea.

Edit: Nvm, I forgot that I decided against the idea of merging the first chapter in SH. Sorry, I forgot about it. Can you still please read them both? I know it's a bit much of me to request this, but the prologue is very important to read as it essentially acts as the first chapter. And chapter 1 is actually the continuation of the prologue. It shouldn't take long to read them, as both of them combined would have around 2300 words in total, which is actually pretty standard for a single chapter.

Title: 5/10

Interesting choice of words there, it hooks me, but i'm not entirely sure if it hooks other readers. Take this part of the rating with a grain of salt.

Cover: 2/10

I'm 100% sure you could get a much better cover than this, use stable diffusion or something to get a more character focused cover, better hooks overall.

Blurb: 5/10

I can tell you have been heavily influenced by other webnovels, and your blurb is nearly identical to the thousands of other blurbs on WebNovel.

My biggest advice to you is: if you want to be on top of the trash heap, you cannot be the trash heap. Consider blurbs from far better authors outside of the platform especially if you're looking to improve your writing skills rather than just pump words out.

You can read every other feedback post i've done in this thread for details on how to get a better blurb, at this point i'm reiterating the same thing.

First Chapter : 2/10

You requested for me to read both the prologue and the first chapter together, so I will.

This is quite interesting to me as my own novel, BlackMarket has a similar setup. Yet here you insist on a prologue, while I do not have any prologue on my side. I think this simply boils down to something most amateur authors do not consider when attempting to write a proper story.

One of the questions you need to ask yourself is : is every piece of worldbuilding important? Is understanding backstory important and a necessity to the current story in the first chapter?

If your instinctive answer to both of this is yes, you've royally fucked up your first chapter. Increasing the barrier of entry to understanding your first chapter only serves to alienate your newer readers.

And I'll be honest, the moment I read the first chapter, I instantly could say to myself "yep this would only be read on WebNovel or MTL websites." I don't know if you are native english, but if you are this is terrible.

I myself am not native english and can potentially rewrite this chapter to have more voice, flair, style. Right now each and every line reads like a screenplay. I know other 'popular' webnovels have similar writing styles, but be honest with yourself - would you take any of those books and say 'hey everyone should learn how to write like this.'? I wouldn't. If you do, well then I wish you the best of luck.

I would have given a 1/10, but u get an extra point because the chapter hits all the right notes for unbridled progression.

Overall, title meh, cover bad, blurb okay-ish, first chapter horrendous.

You're very kind to offer this. Thoughts very welcome on my first chapter posting on this site...

Trickster Girl

Alexa Rey is way too smart for school – and for the crooks, cops, and corporate creeps who are out to get her.

www.scribblehub.com

Thanks.

Title: 7/10

Sounds intriguing already, not much else to say, really.

Cover: 2/10

I.... yea okay.

Blurb: 2/10

This is way too short.

First Chapter: 7/10

The writing style is surprisingly good, despite the lack of a cover and proper blurb. I did not expect it, tbh. However, the first chapter is way too short, and the descriptions of her hiding in the alley only serves to slow down the story.

I will admit that curiousity is the biggest hook in this chapter, and the ending hook is pretty damn good, so good that it made me click the next chapter. In this sense i think combining the two chapters into one would make more sense, allowing people to truly get a feel.

Maybe it's a bit too on the nose that Alex is obviously lying, but that's just me. In general the story seems pretty good so far, dialogue is nice.

I think if you worked on ur blurb and cover a bit more, it should cover a lot more gaps.

Overall: title ok, cover terrible, blurb wth, first chapter better than expected.

 

[Graceful_Ghost]

Heyo. 〜⁠(⁠꒪⁠꒳⁠꒪⁠)⁠〜. Would be a pleasure to know what others think, especially in a marketing side. Thanks!

Yggdrasil’s Knowledge Seekers

Alice Blodeuwodd Duke Fenix is the phoenix of the generation. Her mother, Angela Del Dharia Fenix, had left her so abruptly in the world without being able to teach her heir. Being the Grand duchess of the Oslaris Galaxy, Alice tries her best to be the phoenix that everyone expects....

www.scribblehub.com

 

[TsumiHokiro]

Well, the other thread I was waiting for feedback has gone deaf, so... I would love to hear from you.
Btw, it doesn't have a cover because I haven't set for one. So, figures.

Transience – a world not so different

It might be a distant future, it might not be. Everything that happens here is what it appears to be. It is a not a World of Possibilities, but a World of Reality. But the real question is, do you know what Reality is? In a Universe not so unlike...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[M.G.Driver]

Lowly Ascent

Within a desolate realm, where discarded worlds were stitched together, a rupture tore open, releasing a small child into this fragmented expanse. Above him, the sky revealed three eerie moons, while an ominous black mass loomed ominously in their wake. Disoriented and engulfed by a putrid...

www.scribblehub.com

Have at me

Title: 7/10

Pretty good title, a good hint of progression already from the get-go. Could be a bit more obvious about what's going to happen, rather than just a generic progression of sorts. Feels like a blank slate novel if that makes sense.

Cover: 5/10

I think you just changed it, but this kind of cover might only work in trad pub - scribblehub and royalroad need cooler character covers to hook readers, people want MC's to get behind.

Blurb: 7/10

Very good worldbuilding, and it seems that worldbuilding is the main draw of the story. I like worldbuilding, and the blurb is very interesting to me.

However, in general, characters are the ones who run the show. They are the main vehicle through which a reader would explore the world around them, so this 'vehicle' has to be as enticing as possible as well.

The blurb reads to be very event-driven rather than character-driven, and that's great if you can keep it up.

First Chapter: 5/10

I wanted to like it, the sole reason why i was reading was because of curiosity as to how the MC even came to be in such a place as the Landfill.

Except you solved that mostly within a single chapter, so my curiosity dropped by about 60%.

The old man is clearly a tool to info dump to the readers as to the origin and reasoning behind the world. The safety net that the old man provides also reduces the tension a lot.

I know, by the end there's a foreshadowing of a tree who wants to grab the kid as a 'pawn', but that tension seems like an afterthought rather than a deep one that really hooks the reader.

Overall, it's a very heavy worldbuilding start, and the readers are instantly loaded with a lot of perspective. You might think of it as 'setting the stage', but the way the story should naturally flow is 'exploring the stage'

Title good, cover meh, blurb okay-ish, first chapter could be much better

 

[M.G.Driver]

hello :) https://www.scribblehub.com/series/899943/hushed-paradise/

Title: 7/10

Gives a bit of a horror vibe, I like it. If it's not horror, then i guess the vibe the title gives is completely off.

Cover: 6/10

Are we absolutely sure this is not horror? This looks like a zombie novel cover.

Blurb: 10/10

I like the dialogue start, sets up very good tension and intrigue, the description is nice and concise as well, no major complaints.

First Chapter: 8/10

I like the scene, the dialogue and the way the story flows. There's an ambient tension from the masturbation scene, and the way it is hidden from the reader is pretty great. For a moment i didn't know that Isagani and Gani were the same people, but i think this is a personal fallacy on my part instead of yours, just wasn't reading well enough.

Overall, the real disadvantage of the chapter was the pov swapping. It feels like you're writing third person limited, and that camera keeps jumping between the two characters. It would be much better if you fixated the camera to, say, Yumi's shoulder for example, and stick with that viewpoint throughout the entire chapter. This would result in a much cleaner and smoother transition between dialogue scenes.

There's also a bit of info dump of their childhood past, but with how it is written, i much rather find out about it through the dialogue rather than the narration interrupting the scene. It's very jarring in that sense, like an advertisement popping up in the middle of a nice movie.

Title creepy, Cover zombie, blurb brilliant, first chapter almost there.

Hello! I'm sure you're probably swamped with requests, but if you happen to have the time, I'll throw my hat in the ring. Warning: Has self-harm, suicidal thoughts, etc. It can be very heavy at points, but is not explicit with gore or sexuality.

Also, you might be very confused if you try to read the first chapter without the prologue, so I'd prefer if you read the prologue rather then trying to go straight into the first chapter. You're welcome to read them both, mind you, but I understand these kind of forums are very busy so if you have to pick one or the other, the prologue is your best bet.

Thank you so much for your help. I eventually want to publish the second or third draft, so having a published author look over my work makes me really happy! It's a bit like a celebrity reading my little book. :P

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/862159/the-miserably-macabre-tales-of-luna-samuels/

Title: 8/10

Pretty good intriguing title, i'll say its a good hook for sure.

Cover: 3/10 (10/10 if trad pub)

I can see this being a good cover if i saw it in the library or the bookstore. But if u want it to work as a webnovel on SH and RR, you're going to need a more elaborate A.I Cover to really gain the traction you need.

I understand that scribblehub is generally not the best place to post such a fiction. Maybe you might be better off trying to post it on Wattpad or other romance related websites?

Blurb: 7/10

This is a very intriguing hook, I can already see this being a hit.

But only in the YA girls section of the bookstore.

There's a lot more that needs to be done in order to push this in front of readers eyes. I'm sure if you do a bit of digging you'll find where the best place to post this genre is (hint: it's not smuthub). I'm only saying this because you said u wanted to be published.

Now self publishing is also perfectly valid. You might want to take a look at Madix-3's pubcrawl, where they go through the different publisher routes for LitRPG. The last one in the playlist is all about self publishing, and i think that is a very good way to get started.

First Chapter: 9/10

I am proud to announce that you are one of the rare few books that managed to get me to read more than three chapters ( i can count on one hand how many has done that so far in the feedback thread. )

People don't know they like drama until they read it, and you really did nail the drama very well in my humble opinion.

I will say that the interlocking of the diary writings and the happenings in real life is a bit jarring, but i understand it's a downside of how the story is structured.

There's a very real and natural tone to the dialogue and interactions within the characters, and that's very well done IMO.

Now, since you said you wanted to be published, i'll put in a little bit more effort for you. I don't think the manuscript itself is bad persay, but the marketing needs a lot more work if u want to get it in front of readers' faces.

Cover is the number one reason why someone clicks on a site. You need it to be a lot more attractive, and I highly suggest getting a stable diffusion cover ASAP. do not limit yourself to the usual covers u see in the library and bookstores , they are from an industry that is extremely hard to enter.

For webfiction, covers are the make or break for a writer's career. It has to hook very fast, and must look nice in a thumbnail. People get the sense that such a cover would imply a boring YA girl fiction etc, so u want to bait them into the story as much as possible.

There is 100% an audience for slice of life romance on amazon, so you're in the right market to make some money for sure. Start making author friends, link up with groups and communitys.

And begin posting wide, post far and wide. We're talking Wattpad, Dreamy, Radish, Tapas, RoyalRoad, etc etc. build up the fanbase for a zon launch.

Of course, one single book isn't enough. You want to build up the number of books in your catalog over time. consistency and content are the two largest factor of building an author's name.

Hopefully this is enough to get you started on the right track. I personally despise traditional publishers, so I don't know much about literary agents and such, so take my advice with a grain of salt. Self-publishing on KU is completely viable.

 

[M.G.Driver]

Heyo. 〜⁠(⁠꒪⁠꒳⁠꒪⁠)⁠〜. Would be a pleasure to know what others think, especially in a marketing side. Thanks!

Yggdrasil’s Knowledge Seekers

Alice Blodeuwodd Duke Fenix is the phoenix of the generation. Her mother, Angela Del Dharia Fenix, had left her so abruptly in the world without being able to teach her heir. Being the Grand duchess of the Oslaris Galaxy, Alice tries her best to be the phoenix that everyone expects....

www.scribblehub.com

Title: 7/10

Pretty good title, but a bit too vague? I don't know if it's a fantasy or mythical epic novel etc.

Cover: 5/10

If you drew it yourself, that's awesome. I can't draw that well myself. But I'm sure you can make an equivalent cover in A.I with better font and typography to make it stand out from the competition.

I'm only saying this because you asked for marketing side, so from pure marketing POV, the cover screams amateur writer. That combined with only 11 chapters means a reader wouldn't even bother to start reading.

So the cover has to really hook - in your profile, you said u posted on tapas/webnovel/royalroad/scribblehub, so i don't know what the cover looks like on the other side, but here on scribblehub it's pretty bad, especially in thumbnail form.

Always try to imagine how it would look like from a reader's perspective, and different platforms. Laptop? Monitor? Mobile? Printed out on paperback? All these have to be considered when choosing a cover.

Blurb: 9/10

Quick, fast and concise. Would be better if you split them up into multiple lines, and start with a tagline of sorts.

Something along the lines of 'what happens when the ruler of a galaxy gets addicted to a VRMMO?'

That starting tagline is very common in popular novels on RR. It's a good premise statement to hook readers quickly, especially in the age of tiktok brain, where attention span is dwindling.

Another point of improvement would be to reduce the number of 'new concepts' introduced.

First Chapter: 6/10

I've read both the prologue and the first chapter.

Now, since u asked for marketing, I can tell you straight up: foreshadowing is the number one cause of death by authors.

Prologue will almost always nearly get skipped in webnovels, and if it were not skipped, it is so far removed from the events of the first chapter that any lingering emotional attachement, tension or curiousity linked to any characters in the prologue will be lost and diffused. This creates a sort of barrier to entry.

If your first instinct when reading this is 'but if i don't do the prologue, then how will they understand events later?', that is signs of bad traditional publishing writing and story planning. Throwing worldbuilding/foreshadowing/new concepts at readers is most likely the pitfall of many books. Each new 'term', 'character', 'location', 'concept' serves to take up RAM in the reader's mind. There is a limit to how much RAM a reader can hold.

So with the amount of 'telling' in the first chapter and the amount of new concepts given in both the prologue and the first chapter, it feels very much like a worldbuilding start. There's this weird disconnect with the MC, and that somehow I cannot connect with her. Is it a personal issue? maybe, but i don't think many people can connect with a divine beast phoenix.

What is good is the interaction between Alice and Vanessa, that's the only human side of everything i've seen thus far. everything else is just fluff and waffle about how the world is and how it works. It reads like an overexcited boy wanting to tell his parents about his new lego set.

As a storyteller, you want to have the lowest barrier of entry possible into the story. Be aware of the reader perspective and see from their eyes if possible. I can show a few good examples of novels similar to yours, that you would no doubt immediately glaze ur eyes over every time they talk about the 'world' or info dump etc.

If you were doing it for a hobby instead of selling it, ignore what i've said. Your writing style is perfectly fine.

Overall, title okayish, cover meh, blurb great, first chapter + prologue meh. The rating is based on marketing.

 

[wannabewriter]

Hi, I'm a complete newbie with this but any feedback would be appreciated.

Customer Service Magic

Welcome to MagicPerformax, your premier destination for hero assistance for over a decade. Our team of highly-trained Hero Care Assistants is at your service 24/7. We’re here to ensure your survival in treacherous dungeons, seal away those pesky demon generals, and of course, rescue the damsels...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[breakofdawnstories]

Title: 7/10

Gives a bit of a horror vibe, I like it. If it's not horror, then i guess the vibe the title gives is completely off.

Cover: 6/10

Are we absolutely sure this is not horror? This looks like a zombie novel cover.

Blurb: 10/10

I like the dialogue start, sets up very good tension and intrigue, the description is nice and concise as well, no major complaints.

First Chapter: 8/10

I like the scene, the dialogue and the way the story flows. There's an ambient tension from the masturbation scene, and the way it is hidden from the reader is pretty great. For a moment i didn't know that Isagani and Gani were the same people, but i think this is a personal fallacy on my part instead of yours, just wasn't reading well enough.

Overall, the real disadvantage of the chapter was the pov swapping. It feels like you're writing third person limited, and that camera keeps jumping between the two characters. It would be much better if you fixated the camera to, say, Yumi's shoulder for example, and stick with that viewpoint throughout the entire chapter. This would result in a much cleaner and smoother transition between dialogue scenes.

There's also a bit of info dump of their childhood past, but with how it is written, i much rather find out about it through the dialogue rather than the narration interrupting the scene. It's very jarring in that sense, like an advertisement popping up in the middle of a nice movie.

Title creepy, Cover zombie, blurb brilliant, first chapter almost there.

Thank you for your insightful evaluation. I really really appreciate it. It's my first time writing a book and designing a book cover (plus no friends to give objective review on my work) so your points would totally help me in a long run. Actually, the original title of this book was "The Little Moth" (with different book cover too haha) but decided to use "Hushed Paradise" instead, never thought that it was giving horror vibes. At least now I know! hahahaha. Thank you, again! ^-^ I hope you have a nice day!

 

[Graceful_Ghost]

Title: 7/10

Pretty good title, but a bit too vague? I don't know if it's a fantasy or mythical epic novel etc.

Cover: 5/10

If you drew it yourself, that's awesome. I can't draw that well myself. But I'm sure you can make an equivalent cover in A.I with better font and typography to make it stand out from the competition.

I'm only saying this because you asked for marketing side, so from pure marketing POV, the cover screams amateur writer. That combined with only 11 chapters means a reader wouldn't even bother to start reading.

So the cover has to really hook - in your profile, you said u posted on tapas/webnovel/royalroad/scribblehub, so i don't know what the cover looks like on the other side, but here on scribblehub it's pretty bad, especially in thumbnail form.

Always try to imagine how it would look like from a reader's perspective, and different platforms. Laptop? Monitor? Mobile? Printed out on paperback? All these have to be considered when choosing a cover.

Blurb: 9/10

Quick, fast and concise. Would be better if you split them up into multiple lines, and start with a tagline of sorts.

Something along the lines of 'what happens when the ruler of a galaxy gets addicted to a VRMMO?'

That starting tagline is very common in popular novels on RR. It's a good premise statement to hook readers quickly, especially in the age of tiktok brain, where attention span is dwindling.

Another point of improvement would be to reduce the number of 'new concepts' introduced.

First Chapter: 6/10

I've read both the prologue and the first chapter.

Now, since u asked for marketing, I can tell you straight up: foreshadowing is the number one cause of death by authors.

Prologue will almost always nearly get skipped in webnovels, and if it were not skipped, it is so far removed from the events of the first chapter that any lingering emotional attachement, tension or curiousity linked to any characters in the prologue will be lost and diffused. This creates a sort of barrier to entry.

If your first instinct when reading this is 'but if i don't do the prologue, then how will they understand events later?', that is signs of bad traditional publishing writing and story planning. Throwing worldbuilding/foreshadowing/new concepts at readers is most likely the pitfall of many books. Each new 'term', 'character', 'location', 'concept' serves to take up RAM in the reader's mind. There is a limit to how much RAM a reader can hold.

So with the amount of 'telling' in the first chapter and the amount of new concepts given in both the prologue and the first chapter, it feels very much like a worldbuilding start. There's this weird disconnect with the MC, and that somehow I cannot connect with her. Is it a personal issue? maybe, but i don't think many people can connect with a divine beast phoenix.

What is good is the interaction between Alice and Vanessa, that's the only human side of everything i've seen thus far. everything else is just fluff and waffle about how the world is and how it works. It reads like an overexcited boy wanting to tell his parents about his new lego set.

As a storyteller, you want to have the lowest barrier of entry possible into the story. Be aware of the reader perspective and see from their eyes if possible. I can show a few good examples of novels similar to yours, that you would no doubt immediately glaze ur eyes over every time they talk about the 'world' or info dump etc.

If you were doing it for a hobby instead of selling it, ignore what i've said. Your writing style is perfectly fine.

Overall, title okayish, cover meh, blurb great, first chapter + prologue meh. The rating is based on marketing.

Thank you very much of this wonderful insight. I'm quite struggling in between telling how much the world is, the fundamental world that affects the story, and the storytelling to make it marketable. I'll factor those things in mind when I edit chapter 1.

Knowing how many things have to be omitted really effects the mindset while writing, eh? It's sometimes hard keeping the target audience in mind.

 

[JackJohnJackson]

Would very much appreciate the first impressions feedback of my story https://www.scribblehub.com/series/912353/stray-stars/

 

[AdOtherwise]

Title: 7/10

Pretty good title, a good hint of progression already from the get-go. Could be a bit more obvious about what's going to happen, rather than just a generic progression of sorts. Feels like a blank slate novel if that makes sense.

Cover: 5/10

I think you just changed it, but this kind of cover might only work in trad pub - scribblehub and royalroad need cooler character covers to hook readers, people want MC's to get behind.

Blurb: 7/10

Very good worldbuilding, and it seems that worldbuilding is the main draw of the story. I like worldbuilding, and the blurb is very interesting to me.

However, in general, characters are the ones who run the show. They are the main vehicle through which a reader would explore the world around them, so this 'vehicle' has to be as enticing as possible as well.

The blurb reads to be very event-driven rather than character-driven, and that's great if you can keep it up.

First Chapter: 5/10

I wanted to like it, the sole reason why i was reading was because of curiosity as to how the MC even came to be in such a place as the Landfill.

Except you solved that mostly within a single chapter, so my curiosity dropped by about 60%.

The old man is clearly a tool to info dump to the readers as to the origin and reasoning behind the world. The safety net that the old man provides also reduces the tension a lot.

I know, by the end there's a foreshadowing of a tree who wants to grab the kid as a 'pawn', but that tension seems like an afterthought rather than a deep one that really hooks the reader.

Overall, it's a very heavy worldbuilding start, and the readers are instantly loaded with a lot of perspective. You might think of it as 'setting the stage', but the way the story should naturally flow is 'exploring the stage'

Title good, cover meh, blurb okay-ish, first chapter could be much better

Thank you for the review. Much appreciated

If you would have more time, I hope you will continue to read. Although I know my story isn't the best in the beginning (everything you pointed out is spot on). The story, in my opinion, becomes much greater and more intricate later on.

Again, thank you for the review :)

 

[M.G.Driver]

Thank you for the review. Much appreciated

If you would have more time, I hope you will continue to read. Although I know my story isn't the best in the beginning (everything you pointed out is spot on). The story, in my opinion, becomes much greater and more intricate later on.

Again, thank you for the review :)

Therein lies the biggest trap for the author.

Imagine you as a consumer, looking for new books to get lost in, and i tell you that 'don't worry, *insert show* gets better at season 8'

Immediately your mind will consider for a moment, however brief: "Is it worth slogging through seven seasons to get to the good part?"

In that same fashion, the idea of 'it gets better', 'it gets more intricate' shows the underlying problem. You can't sell the world if there is nothing to hook them in the first place. I only say this because of webnovel style - again, if you were writing traditional published books, your writing style is a-ok.

And the reason why I can say all of this to you is because I was once like you, telling readers 'don't worry, if you read more than 77 chapters of ceres chaos it gets better!'

That's not how it works in webnovels. I'm not saying you have to be good from the start, but as a new author you want to hook the readers in first before showing them the worldbuilding. It is perfectly fine to worldbuild, but its about how much you dump on them.

I'm absolutely sure that your story gets better over time, but it's only because your writing is getting better. The first million words of any author will be not as good as the next million words, barring stagnation.

But please lose this mindset of 'readers should read because it eventually gets better'. First you should prove to the readers that the story is good FROM the very start, not the middle, not the end. When u sell a product you put your best foot forwards, not put your best foot backwards. It's like a movie, the opening sequence has to hit hard. (because they use that pilot scene to pitch the movie to directors)

Once more, if you were writing this as a hobby or for traditional publishing, ignore everything i've said and continue. There is nothing inherently wrong in your story structure nor your writing.

But if you want to market it as a webnovel? Some changes have to be made. My personal suggestion would be to write a new book, not because the old book is terrible, but because you as of now, are a far better writer than you were when u started. Use that, and keep going, keep writing new stories. Eventually your catalog will be so big on amazon, you'll rake in millions. Authors who thrive on a single series are very few.

Thank you very much of this wonderful insight. I'm quite struggling in between telling how much the world is, the fundamental world that affects the story, and the storytelling to make it marketable. I'll factor those things in mind when I edit chapter 1.

Knowing how many things have to be omitted really effects the mindset while writing, eh? It's sometimes hard keeping the target audience in mind.

The question u need to ask yourself is, does the reader truly need to know how the world works right this very instant? like right now? If he didn't know about it, would he suffer? would he cry out murder?

Sometimes, as nerds of our own stories, the information is bursting out of our words, and we're struggling to keep all the fun details of the world we kept in.

But curiosity is also a good hook for readers to keep reading. And telling too much slows the pace down immensely. No one reads on scribblehub to earn a degree in history of alternate worlds. Dripfeed it. Only show the absolute minimum necessary.

If you had a scene in the city, in a baker shop, is it necessary to tell the reader who rules the city? Not really. If i visited any other country like Morocco or Chad or Thailand, I don't immediately think - "hey, who's the ruling faction of the city? How much did the economy increase y-o-y? What's the inflation rate? Is the unemployment rate increasing? What is their stance on kidnapping? Whats the maximum charge for money laundering?"

It's not important to them. Answering these questions would be sick, but wholly unimportant in enjoying the country. In a similar fashion, treat the reader as a tourist in the new world. Show them things one by one, no need to overload them. No longwinded history tours etc.

Well, the other thread I was waiting for feedback has gone deaf, so... I would love to hear from you.
Btw, it doesn't have a cover because I haven't set for one. So, figures.

Transience – a world not so different

It might be a distant future, it might not be. Everything that happens here is what it appears to be. It is a not a World of Possibilities, but a World of Reality. But the real question is, do you know what Reality is? In a Universe not so unlike...

www.scribblehub.com

Title: 6/10

I like the concept, but this wouldn't work on a webnovel site. This feedback thread is for marketing, so the rating is based on marketing. Personally i give 9/10, but i'm not the average reader.

Cover: -/10

The current cover of fractal patterns honestly looks like a uvula. Can't blame me, we're on smuthub.

Blurb: 7/10

Interesting concept, i like the idea of short scenes exploring humanity's future, so i'm all onboard for it. But the captialization of words is really really jarring. Hopefully they don't write like this in the future, or else the publishing industry will keel over in whimpers. (Death, Taxes and Angry Editors)

First Chapter: 6/10

I like it.

I like the whole first chapter. But unfortunately this feedback thread is for marketing, and I can immediately tell you this is absolutely the wrong place to post such a story. You might be better off in r/HFY or SpaceBattles.

Other than that, the narration is very jarring. Sometimes it is impersonal, sometimes it is personal. I'm referring to random paragraphs that suddenly refers to the reader as 'you'. It doesn't seem to be done on purpose, so i'm chalking it up as a mistake.

The concepts of the scenes are great, but as with any experimental story like this, scene jumping is the pitfall of the book. Would have worked very well in video format, but not in book where there isn't the help of visuals to guide you.

Generally, i think it's great, but i don't have enough experience with experimental story publications to know how to help you.

Overall, title meh, cover smut, blurb okayish, first chapter unsure.

 

[TsumiHokiro]

Title: 6/10

I like the concept, but this wouldn't work on a webnovel site. This feedback thread is for marketing, so the rating is based on marketing. Personally i give 9/10, but i'm not the average reader.

Cover: -/10

The current cover of fractal patterns honestly looks like a uvula. Can't blame me, we're on smuthub.

Blurb: 7/10

Interesting concept, i like the idea of short scenes exploring humanity's future, so i'm all onboard for it. But the captialization of words is really really jarring. Hopefully they don't write like this in the future, or else the publishing industry will keel over in whimpers. (Death, Taxes and Angry Editors)

First Chapter: 6/10

I like it.

I like the whole first chapter. But unfortunately this feedback thread is for marketing, and I can immediately tell you this is absolutely the wrong place to post such a story. You might be better off in r/HFY or SpaceBattles.

Other than that, the narration is very jarring. Sometimes it is impersonal, sometimes it is personal. I'm referring to random paragraphs that suddenly refers to the reader as 'you'. It doesn't seem to be done on purpose, so i'm chalking it up as a mistake.

The concepts of the scenes are great, but as with any experimental story like this, scene jumping is the pitfall of the book. Would have worked very well in video format, but not in book where there isn't the help of visuals to guide you.

Generally, i think it's great, but i don't have enough experience with experimental story publications to know how to help you.

Overall, title meh, cover smut, blurb okayish, first chapter unsure.

Thank you very much for your input.
I understand all your points and I was already aware this would never be a commercial work. At least, not here in SH, or not like this at least.
I am grateful for your experienced guidance as well. As for the reader "you", that was on purpose. It IS to be jarring, it is to make you uncomfortable. As you have said, this is an Experimental Work, it is something that is not to be read by many. I never had it in my mind that I would have 10k, 100k readers. If I was able to reach at least 10, I believe I had been able to do it.
I will not be presumptuous and hope you continue to follow what I write, but I will try to improve on what you have said. I will see those places you have said.

 

[jrell]

Thank you a lot for putting so much effort into this thread. I enjoy reading it occasionally to see how everyone is doing and what I can learn from it. And I'm sure I'm not alone in doing so.
Whenever you have a moment, I would love it if you could review my work and provide feedback on areas where I can improve.
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/882755/everlasting-dream-/

 

[AdOtherwise]

Therein lies the biggest trap for the author.

Imagine you as a consumer, looking for new books to get lost in, and i tell you that 'don't worry, *insert show* gets better at season 8'

Immediately your mind will consider for a moment, however brief: "Is it worth slogging through seven seasons to get to the good part?"

In that same fashion, the idea of 'it gets better', 'it gets more intricate' shows the underlying problem. You can't sell the world if there is nothing to hook them in the first place. I only say this because of webnovel style - again, if you were writing traditional published books, your writing style is a-ok.

And the reason why I can say all of this to you is because I was once like you, telling readers 'don't worry, if you read more than 77 chapters of ceres chaos it gets better!'

That's not how it works in webnovels. I'm not saying you have to be good from the start, but as a new author you want to hook the readers in first before showing them the worldbuilding. It is perfectly fine to worldbuild, but its about how much you dump on them.

I'm absolutely sure that your story gets better over time, but it's only because your writing is getting better. The first million words of any author will be not as good as the next million words, barring stagnation.

But please lose this mindset of 'readers should read because it eventually gets better'. First you should prove to the readers that the story is good FROM the very start, not the middle, not the end. When u sell a product you put your best foot forwards, not put your best foot backwards. It's like a movie, the opening sequence has to hit hard. (because they use that pilot scene to pitch the movie to directors)

Once more, if you were writing this as a hobby or for traditional publishing, ignore everything i've said and continue. There is nothing inherently wrong in your story structure nor your writing.

But if you want to market it as a webnovel? Some changes have to be made. My personal suggestion would be to write a new book, not because the old book is terrible, but because you as of now, are a far better writer than you were when u started. Use that, and keep going, keep writing new stories. Eventually your catalog will be so big on amazon, you'll rake in millions. Authors who thrive on a single series are very few.

The question u need to ask yourself is, does the reader truly need to know how the world works right this very instant? like right now? If he didn't know about it, would he suffer? would he cry out murder?

Sometimes, as nerds of our own stories, the information is bursting out of our words, and we're struggling to keep all the fun details of the world we kept in.

But curiosity is also a good hook for readers to keep reading. And telling too much slows the pace down immensely. No one reads on scribblehub to earn a degree in history of alternate worlds. Dripfeed it. Only show the absolute minimum necessary.

If you had a scene in the city, in a baker shop, is it necessary to tell the reader who rules the city? Not really. If i visited any other country like Morocco or Chad or Thailand, I don't immediately think - "hey, who's the ruling faction of the city? How much did the economy increase y-o-y? What's the inflation rate? Is the unemployment rate increasing? What is their stance on kidnapping? Whats the maximum charge for money laundering?"

It's not important to them. Answering these questions would be sick, but wholly unimportant in enjoying the country. In a similar fashion, treat the reader as a tourist in the new world. Show them things one by one, no need to overload them. No longwinded history tours etc.

Title: 6/10

I like the concept, but this wouldn't work on a webnovel site. This feedback thread is for marketing, so the rating is based on marketing. Personally i give 9/10, but i'm not the average reader.

Cover: -/10

The current cover of fractal patterns honestly looks like a uvula. Can't blame me, we're on smuthub.

Blurb: 7/10

Interesting concept, i like the idea of short scenes exploring humanity's future, so i'm all onboard for it. But the captialization of words is really really jarring. Hopefully they don't write like this in the future, or else the publishing industry will keel over in whimpers. (Death, Taxes and Angry Editors)

First Chapter: 6/10

I like it.

I like the whole first chapter. But unfortunately this feedback thread is for marketing, and I can immediately tell you this is absolutely the wrong place to post such a story. You might be better off in r/HFY or SpaceBattles.

Other than that, the narration is very jarring. Sometimes it is impersonal, sometimes it is personal. I'm referring to random paragraphs that suddenly refers to the reader as 'you'. It doesn't seem to be done on purpose, so i'm chalking it up as a mistake.

The concepts of the scenes are great, but as with any experimental story like this, scene jumping is the pitfall of the book. Would have worked very well in video format, but not in book where there isn't the help of visuals to guide you.

Generally, i think it's great, but i don't have enough experience with experimental story publications to know how to help you.

Overall, title meh, cover smut, blurb okayish, first chapter unsure.

Don't worry, I have nor will ever tell a reader my story gets better. I've only said that because you are a reviewer and a fellow author. I do plan on revising my story again and again as I get better, of course I can't revise everything because the story is already published but I just think of it as a way to update the book.

Again, I thank you for your insight.