The Chicken Pen (Feedback Thread)

[Kraken1]

Reincarnated as the Goddess of the sea.

A new goddess creates her first world. To run the world she needs help, she gets this help by reincarnating three people into the three nature goddesses of the sea, land and sky. Follow as the protagonist learns what it is like to be the goddess of the sea in...

www.scribblehub.com

Currently being rewritten, but can't hurt to see what needs to be improved... I think

 

[TsumiHokiro]

If you have time getting some feedback would be much appreciated!

The Soft Spoken Girl Next Door Won’t be Denied – Anamihikiru

That feeling that you've lost something. You had so much but you just let it slip away... Katsumi Murakami is in high school and has been on a downward spiral the last year. Horrible lifestyle choices and a delinquent girl that encourages this has led him to the brink. When...

www.scribblehub.com

Greetings, mykaDehr. The chick has accepted your feed and has decided to give you an opinion.

For the purpose of this opinion, the chick has read chapters 1 and 29 of your novel. The chick felt there was no need for further reading. This chick has numbered themselves the work since it lacks numbering, but at the time, these were the first and last chapters of your story.

Chapter 1:​

1. Narrative time: "The night prior, like almost every other night, Nara Takagi had come over. He never intends on doing this as often as he does but Nara shows up almost every evening." Your story is in the past, but here you're narrating in the present. You are still describing a very specific event; therefore, it is expected that you use the established narrative time.
2. Incongruent Idea: "He quickly averted his gaze from it and laid it down on his chest." The MC puts down his phone on his chest to await for his eyes to adjust to the brightness? Explain to this chick, how is his chest not supposed to block the light, making this effort moot?
3. Finish your sentences: "knew the answer to this question","He didn’t reply to this","motion she threw them open","'I-I apologize Hasegawa-sensei'. Yes, after so many times forgetting that dot at the end of your sentences this chick had to mention it. You are not writing on a web chat here.
4. Check your spelling: "her’s", "cram-school", "back middle". I didn't think I'd have to tell people these.

Chapter 29:​

1. Redundant words: "before he heard someone call out to him (…) His name being called out caused him", "The two made their way to one of the many tables set throughout the library. Sitting opposite from each other once they got to one." Don't repeat yourself needlessly. Readers don't usually forget themselves so fast when they're reading something that interest themselves. And if they have forgotten, and they are still interested, more often than not, they will go back and reread a scene. Expand an idea, don't repeat it.

Conclusion:
You have not improved in the time you have written. From the first chapter to the last one, I have noticed you repeating the same mistakes. If anything, the only improvement I have noticed is that you are not forgetting to finish your sentences as you had forgotten at first. That, however, is something that could be easily addressed to by using one of the many writing assistants that are available out there.

Spelling mistakes were found in your latest chapter, I just found it depressing and figured out that if your objective was good text, you would have done a better job of editing it before publishing. Since it is not, I will tell you where you might not have been able to correct with the easier to find tools available out there: stop repeating needlessly your ideas. There is a difference between furthering a description and shallowly bringing back to your readers mind the same ideas again. You are doing the second, and this does not add to a story, it subtracts. Fewer words, more story.

 

[Sergeandgreen]

@TsumiHokiro
Hey, i just wanted to ask how much time you usually require for such a review? I think it is quite cool that you do something like that and asked myself how much time and effort is needed for this?

 

[TsumiHokiro]

@TsumiHokiro
Hey, i just wanted to ask how much time you usually require for such a review? I think it is quite cool that you do something like that and asked myself how much time and effort is needed for this?

Your feedback should be ready in a few moments.
Read: before 24h. I do a feedback a day.

Chronicles of the red eyed girl

Synopsis: The year 506 a.d. marked the 15th year of the second magical school in the world, Toadwits. Charlotte was one of it's older students and because of her special relationship with the founders she received a few special privileges, but none of her classmates would want to trade positions...

www.scribblehub.com

Hello i think it is amazing what you do and read the feedback you gave to others, and thought it was worth it to try to feed the chicken too. As I tried a completly different writing style in this story the feedback would be invaluable.

Hello, Sergeandgreen, The chick has accepted your feed and has decided to give you something back in return.

For the purpose of this return, the chick has read chapter 1 and chapter 17 of your story. Although not much time has passed between them, less than a month, the quality difference between the chapters is visible. This chick recommends you go back to your first chapters and edit them.

​

Chapter 1:​

This chick has done something different this time, do not become used to it.​

• "The door opened, and my mother came in. She wore her usual brown and black dress that matched her brown hair and her caramel-colored eyes. I loved those eyes. They gave me a warmth that even the hottest fireplace couldn’t give me. Mother looked at me with a smile that was only emphasized by the little wrinkles that had formed around her mouth in the past two years. She had grown older while I had barely changed since I turned sixteen years old, which was two years ago."

You write too much, especially where there is no need, and you write too little where there was a need. Why are you repeating "My mother" so many times? Is this a small child speaking? It makes me think of someone whose entire world is their mother.

​

There is no need to repeat "that" so many times. It makes a sentence so tiring, and needlessly so. Cut these when you don't have to specify things. "Was only emphasized"? So nothing else made that smile noticeable? A terrible choice of words. A mother's smile should be noticeable to their child regardless if they have wrinkles or not, be it because they are fake, in pain, genuine or the brightest they have ever had in their life, not only because of the wrinkles they had formed in the past two years.

​

Also, what is important should be given emphasis, everything else should be described as simply as possible. In fact, the important things should be even more important, and even more words should be used to explain how relevant they are.

• "The door opened, and she came in. She was wearing the usual brown and black dress that matched her brown hair and caramel-colored eyes. I loved those eyes. They gave me a warmth that even the hottest fireplace could not give me. Mother looked at me with a smile that was made even more evident by the little wrinkles that had formed around her mouth these past two years. She had grown older, while I had barely changed since I had turned sixteen years old, which had been two years ago."

Chapter 17:

1. Word repetition: Bath/Bathe. "I had to admit (...) I had to admit". The bath - bathe words are somewhat OK depending on how you sound them, sometimes not OK, and they are repeated quite a few times. And you use this expression I've chosen to highlight here twice in a roll, a clear no-no. You can simply say "Also" considering how close they are from each other in the text!
2. The huge paragraph: What did you want to mean by this huge slab of text? I have seen huge slabs of text, but there does not seem to be a coherent idea linking it. Also, there is some awkward English here: "more or less expected for them to take on some roles if they wanted to or not.", "whether they wanted or not."

Conclusion:

Your first chapter is a mess of English mistakes and non-standards. You really should go back and edit it for your own good. In comparison with your latest, the difference is as clear as night and day. Do your readers a favour, make sure there are no Honey Batchers and Badgers in the same paragraph. Curb those repetitions as you have done in your latest. The texts are so discrepant that I was asking myself what it was that was wrong in the first! Even your story title is weird: "Chronicals" It should be Chronicles!

You have a tale to tell, but your form is also important. Some people pay attention to how you present your narrative, and those who don't, might be won by the times they have to ignore mistakes. You are still using too many words where you could have gone with fewer words, and you can still improve your characters with a bit of more editing. Your chapters can improve a lot from cutting those extra words and giving extra attention to the parts that deserve attention.

 

[Sergeandgreen]

Your feedback should be ready in a few moments.
Read: before 24h. I do a feedback a day.

Hello, Sergeandgreen, The chick has accepted your feed and has decided to give you something back in return.

For the purpose of this return, the chick has read chapter 1 and chapter 17 of your story. Although not much time has passed between them, less than a month, the quality difference between the chapters is visible. This chick recommends you go back to your first chapters and edit them.

​

Chapter 1:​

This chick has done something different this time, do not become used to it.​

• "The door opened, and my mother came in. She wore her usual brown and black dress that matched her brown hair and her caramel-colored eyes. I loved those eyes. They gave me a warmth that even the hottest fireplace couldn’t give me. Mother looked at me with a smile that was only emphasized by the little wrinkles that had formed around her mouth in the past two years. She had grown older while I had barely changed since I turned sixteen years old, which was two years ago."

You write too much, especially where there is no need, and you write too little where there was a need. Why are you repeating "My mother" so many times? Is this a small child speaking? It makes me think of someone whose entire world is their mother.

​

There is no need to repeat "that" so many times. It makes a sentence so tiring, and needlessly so. Cut these when you don't have to specify things. "Was only emphasized"? So nothing else made that smile noticeable? A terrible choice of words. A mother's smile should be noticeable to their child regardless if they have wrinkles or not, be it because they are fake, in pain, genuine or the brightest they have ever had in their life, not only because of the wrinkles they had formed in the past two years.

​

Also, what is important should be given emphasis, everything else should be described as simply as possible. In fact, the important things should be even more important, and even more words should be used to explain how relevant they are.

• "The door opened, and she came in. She was wearing the usual brown and black dress that matched her brown hair and caramel-colored eyes. I loved those eyes. They gave me a warmth that even the hottest fireplace could not give me. Mother looked at me with a smile that was made even more evident by the little wrinkles that had formed around her mouth these past two years. She had grown older, while I had barely changed since I had turned sixteen years old, which had been two years ago."

Chapter 17:

1. Narrative time: The next morning, we cleared camp and began the trek to the town of Eden. Eden is located to the northeast of the ex-capital. In the morning, it was clear from the smoke in the southwestern sky that the capital was still burning. Eden was located. You are describing something that is occurring at the time of the story, even if the city might still exist outside the story.

Conclusion:

Your first chapter is a mess of English mistakes and non-standards. You really should go back and edit it for your own good. In comparison with your latest, the difference is as clear as night and day. Do your readers a favour, make sure there are no Honey Batchers and Badgers in the same paragraph. Curb those repetitions as you have done in your latest. The texts are so discrepant that I was asking myself what it was that was wrong in the first! Even your story title is weird: "Chronicals?" It should be Chronicles!

You have a tale to tell, but your form is also important. Some people pay attention to how you present your narrative, and those who don't, might be won by the times they have to ignore mistakes. Aside from that, as you might have noticed by the number of problems have highlighted on your latest chapter, there are few things this chick would really blame you on your latest. Sure, you might be able to improve your narrative, but they're more related to how your story is being told, and those are more about what this chick does not like, and therefore, are things you, as an author, should decide whether you want to sell or have fun. This chick does not evaluate commerciality of novels, rather, if they are well written and consistent.

Thanks for the feedback. I wrote this story just for my own entertainment and thought that some people might enjoy reading it at least half as much as I enjoy writing it, so I published it. I use this story to improve myself as a writer, so I tried something completely new there (at least for me), and it took some time to grow into this "style," but it's good that you pointed out the mistakes I made so that I could edit them. But I think you read a different chapter 17. At least the following part is not from my story, or was it just meant to be an example of what you mean with narrative time?
Chapter 17:

1. Narrative time: The next morning, we cleared camp and began the trek to the town of Eden. Eden is located to the northeast of the ex-capital. In the morning, it was clear from the smoke in the southwestern sky that the capital was still burning. Eden was located. You are describing something that is occurring at the time of the story, even if the city might still exist outside the story.

 

[TsumiHokiro]

Thanks for the feedback. I wrote this story just for my own entertainment and thought that some people might enjoy reading it at least half as much as I enjoy writing it, so I published it. I use this story to improve myself as a writer, so I tried something completely new there (at least for me), and it took some time to grow into this "style," but it's good that you pointed out the mistakes I made so that I could edit them. But I think you read a different chapter 17. At least the following part is not from my story, or was it just meant to be an example of what you mean with narrative time?
Chapter 17:

1. Narrative time: The next morning, we cleared camp and began the trek to the town of Eden. Eden is located to the northeast of the ex-capital. In the morning, it was clear from the smoke in the southwestern sky that the capital was still burning. Eden was located. You are describing something that is occurring at the time of the story, even if the city might still exist outside the story.

You are correct. Whose chapter 17 was that? (I already found out whose and I shall rectify this)
Let me fix this right away!
And it's fixed.

 

[TheMonotonePuppet]

Hello there, stranger, welcome to the Chicken Pen.
Are you a writer, but do not have opinionated readers? Are you an author, but no one wants to actually look at what you have created? The chicken pen is the perfect place for you, then!
The Chicken Pen is a place of opinions. We offer several menus for you to choose from: from simple chick size to super chick size! But it all comes as a surprise! You have to first feed one of our resident chicks with your Story, and it will decide whether it is worth being eaten or not. But fret not, our chicks are not particular about what they eat:

1 - A story's text has to be selectable from a web-browser;
2 - A story must be posted on the internet and not downloaded into someone's computer;
3 - The chick decides what it eats. It never overfeeds;
4 - You can try to feed the chick more than once, but it is up to the chick to decide whether it eats or not;
5 - The chick only eats things that belong to the person trying to feed it;

If you would like to try your luck on a chick's opinion, here is your chance!
If you have any questions about an opinion, ask about it. The chicks do not tend to comment on comments about their comments.

**The Chicken Pen is a place dedicated to knowledge. Anyone who wanders here acknowledges that they are trying to better themselves on that which they have offered themselves in doing. Therefore, you are aware that once you have fed something to a chick, and it has returned to you an opinion, you acknowledge that you asked for it, and that regardless of how offended you might be by the chick's opinion, you will not pursue any senseless act of self-righting your so-called honour that might have been hurt by this Chicken Pen.**

I absolutely love your characterization of your review! Very unique! Can the Chicken Pen please peck at my story "The Red Marionette"?

TMP1-The Red Marionette | Royal Road

I am a puppet, by the puppets, and for the puppets!I find myself amidst so much color, with so many colors. At my heart, *buttons tremble* -Ohoho! Even my button eyes are afraid of the feeling inside of me.At my heart, I have enough greed to rival a dragon! A full-throat yell could not let me...

www.royalroad.com

 

[AstraMagically]

Can you give me feedback too?
Here's my story that I offer you:
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/...is-run-by-players-western-cultivation-litrpg/
Thanks in advance!

 

[Deaath]

Can you please taste this and let me know your opinion?

Prey (Monster LitRPG/Progression)

A vengeful duo, united in a single body on a revenge quest, wielding a monster turned sword. Betrayed by his companions, including his once-trusted best friend who fatally wounded him, Atreus Eastel awakens three years later in a desolate realm only to realize he's not entirely human. Rather...

www.scribblehub.com

Note: chapters 1 & 6 to 10 were written using ai assistance, though you are free to pick what you want.

 

[TsumiHokiro]

I've got a synopsis, a prologue, and 6 chapters at the ready, including several character profiles. Please let me know what you think. I was gonna upload the PDF version of this, but after some thought, it still needed work. I'll be actively editing this draft as we speak. Thank you.

Crimson Purple

Synopsis “You can’t earn your happy ending in a house that always wins.” Hajime was never hit by a truck, let alone died and transported to the game-like world of Cretis. Insane as it sounds, his kind can be considered aliens, magicless beings who look human until someone gets a taste of their...

docs.google.com

Hi, PBJ_Time. The chick has accepted your feed and decided to give you something back in return.

For the purpose of this opinion, the prologue, and chapters 1 and 6 have been read. As an abridged, know that the major concern this chick has had with your writing is the direction you are trying to take it. This is a very personal issue; therefore, it might be interesting you approach this opinion as more of that of a reader who did not like what you wrote and less of someone who managed to do an objective critic of what you wrote.

Prologue:​

1. Repeated words: "insignificant mortal, a man (…) insignificant mortal". You repeat yourself quite fast here, without a need. Also, it is something you do not have a habit of doing. Repetitions, to be meaningful, require context to be, and there is no context here for this. At least, it wasn't written well enough if that was your purpose.
2. Narrative time: "The «Old Gates» had swung open" Swung open, will you tell your story from an even more preterite past than usual?
3. Incongruent Ideas: This is the main problem this chick has had with your story: unite the pantheon until the end of times? How? A single mortal? How could they unite on these charges: Conspiracy (against a disunited group? They should be happy when someone is going against each other); Rebellion (if you're going against the gods, you're going against a group of them, because they were not united before, they became later, and even then, they would have grudges just as any mortals in your scenario it seems, so why would they unite?); and grievances against the head honcho (people with grievances with the head honcho would have loved this mortal for what they were doing, just this would have absolved this mortal in their view). Then, how could there be a Head Manager if they were not United? This very thing is so strange! Your very world-building, from the very beginning, is thorn and unable to be stitched in unity in the view of this chick.

Chapter 1:​

1. Strange words: "Tower-ers. Please mind the dash for better clarity." What do you mean by this? If you want to make a comment, make it in narrative voice, explain what you meant by this term instead of making such strange offhand comments: Tower-ers, those who lived on the Tower-ers/Tower-ers, those who adventured on the Tower. Also: "Hajime Shinou. Twenty-five and counting, he preferred perching on ledges": you don't need the "he", use a comma between the name and the age, and you're done here.

Chapter 6:​

1. Incongruent Idea: "Out of all the bystanders, a man with a shining glass eye continued to stare", "The «Tower of Angels». With its glaring (…) last year." You never mentioned anyone staring, how can you say they continued to stare? And this paragraph, why are you saying this?? What do you exactly mean here? What's the purpose?

Conclusion:

You do know how to write. You are not making the most common mistakes that other people are doing, but your story is lacking something else entirely this chick would say consistency, fundamentals, and logic. In its opinion, this is even more serious than if you simply did not know how to write! Of course, it could be that they're not your public, which there might be a great chance, considering it does not read anything that does not make sense of it at all, and your reading is the very materialization of that! Therefore, it was not able to tell you that you were able to follow that which it expects of people: to have some basis on some kind of reality, to keep consistency and develop events to progress the story. From its understanding of what should have happened in the situation you have tried to present to your readers, yet failed from the very first step, therefore, anything else you had tried to do was bound to have failed as well (in the story department that is).

Ask other people if they can believe in your story. If they can, then ignore what this chick has to say about it and only focus on this: consistency is key for any story. You should continue with those arguments that people are able to believe (even if this bird is not one of them). Your English falters from time to time, and you will make reference confusion as well, which is what it has pointed in chapters 1 and 6; therefore, these should then be only useful advice from their opinion, otherwise.

 

[PBJ_Time]

Hi, PBJ_Time. The chick has accepted your feed and decided to give you something back in return.

For the purpose of this opinion, the prologue, and chapters 1 and 6 have been read. As an abridged, know that the major concern this chick has had with your writing is the direction you are trying to take it. This is a very personal issue; therefore, it might be interesting you approach this opinion as more of that of a reader who did not like what you wrote and less of someone who managed to do an objective critic of what you wrote.

Prologue:​

1. Repeated words: "insignificant mortal, a man (…) insignificant mortal". You repeat yourself quite fast here, without a need. Also, it is something you do not have a habit of doing. Repetitions, to be meaningful, require context to be, and there is no context here for this. At least, it wasn't written well enough if that was your purpose.
2. Narrative time: "The «Old Gates» had swung open" Swung open, will you tell your story from an even more preterite past than usual?
3. Incongruent Ideas: This is the main problem this chick has had with your story: unite the pantheon until the end of times? How? A single mortal? How could they unite on these charges: Conspiracy (against a disunited group? They should be happy when someone is going against each other); Rebellion (if you're going against the gods, you're going against a group of them, because they were not united before, they became later, and even then, they would have grudges just as any mortals in your scenario it seems, so why would they unite?); and grievances against the head honcho (people with grievances with the head honcho would have loved this mortal for what they were doing, just this would have absolved this mortal in their view). Then, how could there be a Head Manager if they were not United? This very thing is so strange! Your very world-building, from the very beginning, is thorn and unable to be stitched in unity in the view of this chick.

Chapter 1:​

1. Strange words: "Tower-ers. Please mind the dash for better clarity." What do you mean by this? If you want to make a comment, make it in narrative voice, explain what you meant by this term instead of making such strange offhand comments: Tower-ers, those who lived on the Tower-ers/Tower-ers, those who adventured on the Tower. Also: "Hajime Shinou. Twenty-five and counting, he preferred perching on ledges": you don't need the "he", use a comma between the name and the age, and you're done here.

Chapter 6:​

1. Incongruent Idea: "Out of all the bystanders, a man with a shining glass eye continued to stare", "The «Tower of Angels». With its glaring (…) last year." You never mentioned anyone staring, how can you say they continued to stare? And this paragraph, why are you saying this?? What do you exactly mean here? What's the purpose?

Conclusion:

You do know how to write. You are not making the most common mistakes that other people are doing, but your story is lacking something else entirely this chick would say consistency, fundamentals, and logic. In its opinion, this is even more serious than if you simply did not know how to write! Of course, it could be that they're not your public, which there might be a great chance, considering it does not read anything that does not make sense of it at all, and your reading is the very materialization of that! Therefore, it was not able to tell you that you were able to follow that which it expects of people: to have some basis on some kind of reality, to keep consistency and develop events to progress the story. From its understanding of what should have happened in the situation you have tried to present to your readers, yet failed from the very first step, therefore, anything else you had tried to do was bound to have failed as well (in the story department that is).

Ask other people if they can believe in your story. If they can, then ignore what this chick has to say about it and only focus on this: consistency is key for any story. You should continue with those arguments that people are able to believe (even if this bird is not one of them). Your English falters from time to time, and you will make reference confusion as well, which is what it has pointed in chapters 1 and 6; therefore, these should then be only useful advice from their opinion, otherwise.

Thanks for the feedback. The "insignificant mortal" line being repeated was intentional for narrative purposes, to show how important the trial really was. The "uniting the pantheon" part was going to be "bringing the pantheon under one roof," which probably would've made more sense. I just thought it would've conflicted with the idea that all of Heaven and Hell gathering for the trial was already established.

I'm surprised you didn't point out the other problems that haunted me all night, like how Haruto supposedly had more injuries failing him to stand when what he mainly got was a heart attack. I'm also surprised you didn't have anything to say about the other chapters. As for the "man with a shining glass eye" part, it's kinda spelled-out from a previous paragraph that mentioned a "scythe-wielding bastard."

 

[TsumiHokiro]

Thanks for the feedback. The "insignificant mortal" line being repeated was intentional for narrative purposes, to show how important the trial really was. The "uniting the pantheon" part was going to be "bringing the pantheon under one roof," which probably would've made more sense. I just thought it would've conflicted with the idea that all of Heaven and Hell gathering for the trial was already established.

I'm surprised you didn't point out the other problems that haunted me all night, like how Haruto supposedly had more injuries failing him to stand when what he mainly got was a heart attack. I'm also surprised you didn't have anything to say about the other chapters. As for the "mas with a shining glass eye" part, it's kinda spelled-out from a previous paragraph that mentioned a "scythe-wielding bastard."

I only point out some issues. I believe it is up to the author themselves to understand their work better than anything. I'm not being paid here to edit chapters, nor did I volunteer to edit your story, so do understand that if it had been up to me to do so, the few hours that I dedicated to your story, and not even a whole day, would not have been enough for me to come up with the quality that would have made me feel content to share with others.

I am only pointing out a part of that which I have noticed. I have commented elsewhere some which I might not have shared here along with you, but that is because, either here, the forums, is not the right place for such considerations, or because such things ended up being less important in face of these that I have decided to share with you. In the end, my opinion does not contain all my observations, and only the key ones, nor did I read all your chapters. Understand, I am volunteering.

And I'm answering you so that those in the future who come to question themselves why I might not have noticed such things, here and there, remember that what I am trying to promote is awareness over your own text beyond that which you already have, and not bring up to your attention that which you might already know. Otherwise, since you have not directed any questions to me, only offhand commentary, I would have adopted the same stance as before: simply emote to you as a sign that I have acknowledged your comment. But I hope this works as a future lesson for feeders.

And if you are already aware of something which you could have done better, why did you not edit your text before? This chick cannot understand that. It offers opinion, not text edition. Go ask on the Discord or somewhere else if that's what you're hoping for.

 

[OatMush]

Here chicky chicky. My Grain might be a little unripe, but I hope there's a kernel of goodness to it.

 

[Sergeandgreen]

Can you give my other story also a try?

 

[TsumiHokiro]

King: The Silver King’s echo (Reworked)

Disclaimer: This is the reboot of the original. Synopsis: A King is more than just a generation or a class. They are known as Kings due to the mysterious powers they wield. Their power allows them to destroy armies alone, guide their people to greatness, split mountains with their bare...

www.scribblehub.com

Here you go, oh great and powerful chicks, I stopped writing for 2 years, and only managed to deliver a prologue and 2 chapters. I hope it's quality is enough to satisfy you.

Hi, Sylverius. The chick has accepted your feed and has decided to return you an opinion.

Initially, I have read all the available chapters up to this moment (0, 1 and 2) for the purpose of writing this opinion. To sum up the opinion, the main concern this chick had was with the English grammar.

Chapter 0:​

1. Several aspects of the English Grammar (spelling, preposition, parallelism) "pitch black world", "like I'm in underwater", "Your father are already downstairs eating." By themselves, each one is not much, but they add up. And it's intriguing how often these small things come by in your text.
2. Redundancy: "Soon, we'll get out of this in no time." Another little thing that happens quite frequently in all your chapters, needless repetition of these ideas which have just been said.

Chapter 1:​

1. English Grammar and redundancy: "headache appears", "this always happens everyday." The headache I've put under grammar because it's unusual for a headache to appear… but it could have been a reference mistake as well. So many possibilities…
2. Idea Incongruence: "his slit eyes continued releasing tears as he cradles his wet newborn into his arms" This scene is very queer. Slit eyes releasing tears? It seems like you tried to describe an unnatural feeling the observer might have been feeling, but you forgot to warn your readers that there is such a feeling. It is OK to inspire such feelings in the reader and "forget" to warn them, but your transition to cause this on them is too short, the scene is also very short, causing on this chick the feeling that this was a badly written scene instead of intentionally written as such.

Chapter 2:​

1. Narrative time: "Kier and Kenny charges towards him (…) joint on his leg." A whole paragraph which is written in the present, whereas the narrative is in the past.

Conclusion:

You ought to pay more attention to how you write. Your English will from time to time approach such strangeness, I wonder if you are not thinking on your native language and translating it into English. Pay more attention to your grammar, it might not be the most important thing but a mistake here and your meaning is changed.

For the rest, you should pay attention when choosing your words a bit more. You have a story to tell, though your prologue almost lost this chick for a while. This chick, however, is not much of a reader of Isekai these days, much considering the staleness of the genre, so it has all to blame, and not so much you, the author. Edit a bit more, read out loud what you are writing. Rereading what you have written is a fundamental part of any quality content. No one has written something without having visited it back at least twice again, I can assure you that. Do not fear visiting your text, you will find in yourself the best inspiration for your future, as well, the proof that you have improved.

 

[harrydouthwaite]

Aww, this is a great little idea. Here chicky, I offer you my feed. I love adorable things like this. :)

 

[TsumiHokiro]

Request 2.0: Read novel below

Schwarz

1. Click link.
2. Go reader preferences.
3. Set paragraph spacing to 0.
4. Set theme.
5. Check whether the settings satisfy you.
6. Read.

Hello, Assurbanipal_II. The chick has accepted your feed and has decided to give you an opinion.

Firstly, this chick has read chapters 2, 57 and chapter 103 in order to write this opinion. Go and die due to those names, this chick hates unconventional names. Seriously, put a numerical list. Die. Have fun finding out which chapter is which, which you should have a way.

Prologue:​

1. Needless redundancy, paragraph logic: "Some duchies were small (…) its military might." You are trying to make a point, a point with "Duchy", but you're also repeating it too much. The second time you mention "duchy with history" becomes too much, you could have omitted here. The word "Duchy" has lost its value when it's repeated with an already presented value. Don't make it cheap. You want to sell an idea of grandeur associated with it, and repeating attributes is making it cheaper, common. You also fail to give this paragraph a conclusion. This is not good. What is this duchy? Why is it important? You have created expectations, but you left your readers in a cliff, a logical and expectation one, right in its middle and the chapter has only just begun! You should join both second and third paragraphs for better understanding, because there is no need for this section of logic other than to create expectations. Remember that paragraphs are logical units themselves: they have an introduction (of their topic), a middle (discussion of the topic), and a conclusion (of the topic).
2. Purplish language: "The Schwarz were an old, a powerful lineage (…) throughout the ages with their place firmly among" Be affirmative, don't simply enumerate their characteristics, state them. "Were an old and powerful" or "old powerful". Also: "ages, their place firmly among" is a statement of effect, cut the unnecessary "with", which might indicate, "along with others".
3. Incongruent Idea: "They were neither mercenaries nor bandits. They were professionals." This chick gets the idea you are comparing the proficiency of arms of knights, mercenaries and bandits, but "Professionals" was the best you could come up with? All three of them are professionals in their own fields, and all of them would be a profession in a fantasy reality in its mind. Some might even argue they might find mercenaries who are more proficient of arms than cushy knights, who might know plenty of theory but not much of the real art of killing, whereas some knights might not even know how to kill. This chick hopes you get the idea. It won't mention how there might not be a distinction between bandits and mercenaries given time, or a knight might be any of these given circumstances… If you're going to say "Professionals", say of what, to distinguish from the others.

Chapter 5:​

1. Narrative time: "Her water brings life to the vast eastern plains of Schwarzwalt. (…) even in the direst of the times." Mixed narrative time, what a great joy! You are talking about a single thing, yet you are talking about two moments! What a complete mess you made, unnecessarily! The moment it began on present tense, this chick had a bad feeling, and when it switched to the past, confirmed it! Why are you mixing the description of natural occurrence with storytelling? This should be storytelling, not both… "It rains, we harvested the field" is verily what you have made. They are independent sentences, one states it is raining, the other something which happened, but you wanted to write cause effect; therefore you need to keep the same verb tense: "It rained, we harvested the field." This chick hopes this makes it easier for you to understand. Things can't happen at two different times and have cause relation, unless one happens after the other, and in your writing, you talk about the future happenings (present) and then about the past consequences, and not of "Today I know of forum members' past infidelities."

Conclusion:

What, no third chapter? Your most recent chapter was full of dialogue, and by rule of thumb, of this chick, it mostly does not mess with dialogue. Why? This chick believes characters may be whatever they want! They may be a confused mess of narrative, so never trust characters! It also has not read most of your story to know your characters enough to feel confident that it could judge their character well enough (this is the real reason, sorry) and it did not feel like doing a fourth chapter. Bummer.

All in all, go back and edit those chapters. Your writing is not so top-notch as it was led to believe. You are making the same mistakes that other writers are doing. If you are famous, it's because you have a good story, not because you are not making any mistakes. Which is a good thing, even good writers commit mistakes, they only have more of the good stuff than the bad stuff. You are not yet at any Literary Award-level kind of level if that is where you want to reach. Aim for it, you can do it!

DISCLAMER: No chicken thumbs were hurt in the making of this opinion. Only humans'.

 

[Assurbanipal_II]

Hello, Assurbanipal_II. The chick has accepted your feed and has decided to give you an opinion.

Firstly, this chick has read chapters 2, 57 and chapter 103 in order to write this opinion. Go and die due to those names, this chick hates unconventional names. Seriously, put a numerical list. Die. Have fun finding out which chapter is which, which you should have a way.

Prologue:​

1. Needless redundancy, paragraph logic: "Some duchies were small (…) its military might." You are trying to make a point, a point with "Duchy", but you're also repeating it too much. The second time you mention "duchy with history" becomes too much, you could have omitted here. The word "Duchy" has lost its value when it's repeated with an already presented value. Don't make it cheap. You want to sell an idea of grandeur associated with it, and repeating attributes is making it cheaper, common. You also fail to give this paragraph a conclusion. This is not good. What is this duchy? Why is it important? You have created expectations, but you left your readers in a cliff, a logical and expectation one, right in its middle and the chapter has only just begun! You should join both second and third paragraphs for better understanding, because there is no need for this section of logic other than to create expectations. Remember that paragraphs are logical units themselves: they have an introduction (of their topic), a middle (discussion of the topic), and a conclusion (of the topic).
2. Purplish language: "The Schwarz were an old, a powerful lineage (…) throughout the ages with their place firmly among" Be affirmative, don't simply enumerate their characteristics, state them. "Were an old and powerful" or "old powerful". Also: "ages, their place firmly among" is a statement of effect, cut the unnecessary "with", which might indicate, "along with others".
3. Incongruent Idea: "They were neither mercenaries nor bandits. They were professionals." This chick gets the idea you are comparing the proficiency of arms of knights, mercenaries and bandits, but "Professionals" was the best you could come up with? All three of them are professionals in their own fields, and all of them would be a profession in a fantasy reality in its mind. Some might even argue they might find mercenaries who are more proficient of arms than cushy knights, who might know plenty of theory but not much of the real art of killing, whereas some knights might not even know how to kill. This chick hopes you get the idea. It won't mention how there might not be a distinction between bandits and mercenaries given time, or a knight might be any of these given circumstances… If you're going to say "Professionals", say of what, to distinguish from the others.

Chapter 5:​

1. Narrative time: "Her water brings life to the vast eastern plains of Schwarzwalt. (…) even in the direst of the times." Mixed narrative time, what a great joy! You are talking about a single thing, yet you are talking about two moments! What a complete mess you made, unnecessarily! The moment it began on present tense, this chick had a bad feeling, and when it switched to the past, confirmed it! Why are you mixing the description of natural occurrence with storytelling? This should be storytelling, not both… "It rains, we harvested the field" is verily what you have made. They are independent sentences, one states it is raining, the other something which happened, but you wanted to write cause effect; therefore you need to keep the same verb tense: "It rained, we harvested the field." This chick hopes this makes it easier for you to understand. Things can't happen at two different times and have cause relation, unless one happens after the other, and in your writing, you talk about the future happenings (present) and then about the past consequences, and not of "Today I know of forum members' past infidelities."

Conclusion:

What, no third chapter? Your most recent chapter was full of dialogue, and by rule of thumb, of this chick, it mostly does not mess with dialogue. Why? This chick believes characters may be whatever they want! They may be a confused mess of narrative, so never trust characters! It also has not read most of your story to know your characters enough to feel confident that it could judge their character well enough (this is the real reason, sorry) and it did not feel like doing a fourth chapter. Bummer.

All in all, go back and edit those chapters. Your writing is not so top-notch as it was led to believe. You are making the same mistakes that other writers are doing. If you are famous, it's because you have a good story, not because you are not making any mistakes. Which is a good thing, even good writers commit mistakes, they only have more of the good stuff than the bad stuff. You are not yet at any Literary Award-level kind of level if that is where you want to reach. Aim for it, you can do it!

DISCLAMER: No chicken thumbs were hurt in the making of this opinion. Only humans'.

You will hear from me. Probably. Your words amused me.

 

[Seaspecter]

Thank you for doing this keep up the good work @TsumiHokiro

Also, no feedback for me just wanted to say that you're awesome!

 

[TsumiHokiro]

Thank you for doing this keep up the good work @TsumiHokiro

Also, no feedback for me just wanted to say that you're awesome!

The chicks know to distinguish when people offer gratitude and when they offer feed, so feel free to visit the pen without a need of offering feed.